Ava Cabot
Confessional
A Law and Order: SVU fic
Summary: Elliot drabble. He confesses to the only neutral party he can think of: God
Disclaimer: Elliot is not mine. The prayers are not mine. The plot, however, is.
betaed by the fabulous Ashley (she's so great)
----
My voice seemed to bounce around the cold stone walls of the cathedral. I was alone in the presence of a seemingly serene place, prostrating myself before the God I had been raised to worship. The familiar prayers burn my lips as I form the words to beg forgiveness. I used to recite this prayer for childish indiscretions, like arguing with my parents or slugging a kid at school. I had been taught to prostrate myself before the icon of Christ, and plead for understanding. Now I ask for him to show mercy on my soul.
"O My God, I am heartily contrite for my sins, because they displease you. Forgive me for my indiscretions, and save me from all evil. With your help, I shall sin no more. Amen."
The Act of Contrition, a prayer favored for begging forgiveness from God. The merciful, always forgiving God, who would always take you back, no matter what. He was like the father that every kid wanted to have. Always watching, always forgiving, and always taking you back. With God, every forgiveness meant a clean slate, a chance to start over.
I wish all faults were forgotten and forgiven just like that. Just simply erased and gone from time. I want God to say, "You Are Mine." I want to start my life over again and not make everyone around me suffer.
It all began with a single thought, all those years ago. It's hard to believe that my life has been completely damned because of that one fucking thought. A single, lustful thought that drove me into a passionate frenzy because I couldn't have her. It's a known fact that thinking about your partner in any other way than in terms of partnership is taboo in the world. I know it's forbidden, yet I did it anyway. I violated all the rules of a good partnership. I drove every bit of my passion for her into those thoughts.
But I never slept with her.
It shouldn't have mattered that I was obsessed with her. There were boundaries that were supposed to be upheld. No one was to break those rules. Because if they did, all Hell would break loose. I only wish there were lines, limits, even barricades between Liv and I. There aren't any now, but not because of what I've done.
Another prayer broke out of my frozen lips, stinging with the same pain that the Act of Contrition had. Was this how all sinners felt? Did prayers hurt them because of what they'd done?
"Our Father, Who Art in Heaven, Hallowed Be Thy Name..."
That's the problem—we've nearly melded into one, and that's what worries me. Without her, I feel empty. Hollow, like something vital has been taken away. We are one embodiment. Liv and El, El and Liv. I don't think any set of partners have the same bond we shared.
And now, as I languish on my knees before a seemingly merciful God, I wonder how exactly I'll redeem myself, specifically for Kathy. Kathy, the woman I chose to be faithful to for the rest of my life. The woman whom I promised to forsake all others for. I even wonder if I would forgive myself for what I did. If I were a neutral party looking at this situation, I'd judge harshly. He has an ideal life, with a loving wife and four healthy children, all perfectly formed. So here's the million dollar question: Why doesn't he love her? Why would he want to go to another woman for love, solace, and the occasional rough fuck? I've mentally—not physically—strayed from the marriage. Is that even worse?
"Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done, On Earth As It Is In Heaven..."
And now I try to figure out what to do with myself.
I don't even remember when it started, me dreaming about her. It was probably was soon after she arrived. I wish to Christ she hadn't been assigned to Special Victims. Why did she have to be so god-damn compassionate? If she were only more cold-hearted and numb to the world, she could've been assigned to Homicide. She would've never crossed my path. If she hadn't been sent to Special Victims, would we have even met?
"And Forgive Us Our Trespasses, As We Forgive Those Who Trespass Against Us..."I've been wandering through life now with a half-open mind. I don't concentrate—I merely float wearily throughout the days. Olivia should know. I should've told her. She probably knows—but I won't admit anything just yet. Nothing's official. I haven't signed anything that legally separates me from my wife. Until then, she's staying out of this matter.
I almost wish everything had fallen to pieces at once. Instead, everything around me began to crumble. My life was dying a slow, painful death. Kathy started sniffing around for signs of infidelity years ago, but now she could finally hone in on something tangible. She'd found a scrap of Olivia's blouse in my jacket pocket, ripped clean from her skin when I almost fucked her. Almost being the key word. I never did the deed. I didn't even kiss her. I went as far as pressing her against the wall, running my hands hot and needing down her legs, opening my mouth to battle with hers...
And then I stopped. I jumped away, and ran out of the room. I never approached her like that since, and God help me if I ever try to again.
What hurt me were the silent accusations that I had slept with her. But they were all baseless accusations. I hadn't kissed her, I hadn't seen her naked, and I hadn't fucked her until the sun rose. I'd done nothing...
But what's the difference now?
I raised my eyes towards the mocking figure of Christ, and wondered if it would be worth it, just one time. Was fucking Olivia worth an eternity in Hell?
I glanced around the cathedral walls. I'm glad no one else was there besides me. I don't think I could've faced another human being at this moment. I don't think I could face myself, really. My breath is visible now in the cold, crisp air. It's a relief to see it, almost. In some surrealistic way, it's like I'm seeing all that I've confessed leave me. In a symbolic way, I'm watching my sins leave my body. But believe me, I'd want nothing more than to take back what I've done.
"Lead Us Not Into Temptation..."
It is too late to do anything now. I can't keep avoiding the problem forever. All I can do is pray, and return to the form of begging that I remember. I certainly can't take back what has happened and all the pain I've caused. One thing I can count on for sure: I won't rest easily with this heavy burden weighing down my conscience.
"And Deliver Us From Evil."
Perhaps it was too late for me.
----
A/N: The blue review box tells me what you thought. Click on it!