PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING MESSAGE!!!!!!!!!

After some requests to do so, I've decided to write some one-shots for my Exile series (which consists of Exile and Anodyne). This one is dedicated to '-'IncubusHelen'-' for being the first to ask for more of my crazy writing:D I hope you enjoy this installment of 'Missing Moments of the Exile Series'. Please, feel free to request subject matter for future installments in the form of a review and/or PM. I'd also like feedback as to your thoughts on this particular one-shot. Thanks and, as always, happy reading and writing! Samantha

Operation: Get Edward Naked…Well, Half Naked

Sam POV

I stood on the front porch, sopping wet, pounding on the front door of the house in Alaska. Anger coursed through me as I cursed out loud and in my head. My hands, when not hitting the door, were clenched by my sides in an effort to restrain myself from breaking something Esme would miss…mainly Edward's pretty face.

"God DAMN it, you son of a bitch! Open this fucking door right now or the second I get in this house, your precious piano will be in pieces. Are you listening?!?! It will be SPLINTERS, which will then be shoved up your ass!"

"Samantha Jo Whitlock! What on Earth has gotten into you?"

I froze, cursing even more internally as I turned to my very angry mother.

"Mom, I…Edward—we were—he—"

"I don't care what you two are fighting about now, Sam. That kind of language is not necessary."

"But, Mom, he locked me out—"

"Shush! Get inside," she said as she pushed past me, unlocking and opening the door.

I trudged up the stairs and into our room, nearly slamming the door behind me before I caught myself. Edward's laughter floated to me and I saw red. Thankfully, Jasper chose that moment to come back and blocked me from doing something Esme would regret. It took him a solid hour to calm me enough to get the story out of me. I came back to reality to his face filling my vision and his voice ringing in my ears.

"Samantha, what has you so angry? You're furious, darlin'."

"I oughtta be…your brother is an asshole!"

I caught him biting his lip to hide laughter and slid off his lap, landing in a compromising position on the bed. After straightening myself as gracefully as I could, I glared at him and spoke through my teeth.

"You think the third worst day of my life is funny?"

His face immediately sobered as he protested, the only lingering sign of his mirth in his sparkling golden eyes. Realizing that was probably the best I'd get, I sighed.

"Whatever. I'll deal with you later. Right now, Edward is going to die."

His eyebrow quirked and his head tilted in the most adorable way. I shook myself to get my mind back on track and told him my tale of woe.

"So, Edward and I were done hunting at the same time and decided it would be a good idea to run back before it started raining, since I totally hate getting wet. He says it would be fun to make it a race. I knew I'd lose, but I wanted something to do.

"I agreed to race him back, but he wanted to 'make it interesting.' Thank God I didn't take the bet but not taking it pissed him off, I guess. So, he decides it would be hilarious to watch me get soaked. He got back before me and locked the door. He knew full well that he'd be the only one home, I had no key and I wouldn't break the house to get in because it would upset Esme.

"I get back, realize the door's locked and start yelling at him to open up. That jerk entirely ignored my screams and my not-so-nice verbal assaults on his mind and I get completely pissed…like apocalyptically mad, Jazz! I start cussing him out and, of course, Mom comes up and gets all maternal on me. The worst part is that Edward is sitting up there laughing at me!"

Jasper was still as the dead, looking like a deer in the headlights. I rolled my eyes and stood, making my way to the bathroom and mumbling under my breath. The smack to the back of his head on the way almost made me grin.

"It's not like you haven't seen me go nuclear before, Jazz. You don't have to look so shocked."

I seriously need a hot shower right now…and dry clothes…and a way to kick my brother's stupid ass. I started singing Shakira's 'Objection Tango' in my head as I tried to think of ways to get even with him. Ruining his piano would be too much…so would burning his CD collection. Only Alice would be pissed if I burned his clothes. It's not like I can clean the toilet with his toothbrush since we don't actually use either. Gah! I suck at planning revenge! Wait…Emmett can help me. He is the ultimate prankster!

I started as the door to the bathroom suddenly opened and my pixie of a sister started talking.

"Damn it, Alice! Naked in here…"

"Oh, please, it's nothing I haven't seen before. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that your plan will work."

I pulled aside the shower curtain enough to see my tiny sister bouncing up and down in between the sink and useless toilet. She came forward and started whispering so only I could hear.

"Your plan to ask Emmett to help you get back at Edward! It's brilliant."

"Alice, why are you telling me this? He's your husband—"

Her face was suddenly murderous as she cut me off.

"I don't care! He ruined priceless Givenchy couture by stranding you in the rain. I've had that top since 1965! He has to pay!"

"Okay, scary pixie. Remind me never to get anything on anything you've ever gotten me.…"

"You know you will…talk to Emmett soon or Edward will hear what's going on and stop you both."

With that, she disappeared, slamming the door behind her. I shook my head, trying to finish my shower in peace while singing the most annoying songs I could think of to keep my snoopy brother out of my head.

I found Emmett an hour later playing video games with Jasper in the living room. My husband immediately dropped his controller and was on his feet coming towards me as soon as he saw me.

"Are you all right? You've been sporadic—"

"I'm okay, Jasper. Thank you."

Emmett's sudden outburst and Jasper's quiet cursing brought my attention away from the rhythm of the circles Jasper had been rubbing in my palm and back to my original quest.

"Take that, general!"

Jasper rolled his eyes as I plopped down between them on the couch. As my husband picked up his controller, I leaned into Emmett and whispered so only he and Jasper could hear.

"Make sure you block your thoughts. Are both of you ready? Okay. Emmett, I need your help. I want retribution!"

Jasper groaned and sat back, sighing, while Emmett grinned and threw his arm around my shoulders.

"You've come to the Ruler of Revenge, Mighty Mouse. What can I do for you today?"

Rolling my eyes, I quickly told him my parameters for the prank. His face lit up like fireworks on the 4th of July.

"Oh, dear sister, you are so going to owe me for this. I have the perfect idea!"

I felt my own reciprocating grin as he told me what he planned for us to do to our dear brother. The self-satisfaction coming from both of us must have been to great for him to deal with because Jasper left the room, grumbling under his breath about an eye for an eye never working for our kind.

"Emmett, you are a genius! I could kiss you right now," I said, bouncing up and down on the couch. He sighed, putting a hand on my shoulder to stop the bouncing.

"You do realize this will only work if we get Alice's cooperation, right?"

"Yup. She's in…Edward ruined Givenchy couture."

His eyes widened almost comically.

"And he's still in one piece? Holy shit! I lost a button off a vintage vest she made me wear once and she got a piece of my ear."

I winced as that mental picture went racing through my head.

"So, when can we do this?"

The day had finally arrived and I was so excited I could spit…well, maybe not literally, but you get the idea. Our plot for revenge would finally come to fruition and retribution would be mine! I've told you a million times already I'm a drama queen…don't judge.

I whispered to Alice as we watched Edward come down the stairs.

"You made him wear the pants, right? You're sure this will work?"

"Yes to both. Sam, calm down. You saw this happen, too. Stop worrying."

I grinned as the dream replayed in my head. Thank goodness Edward had been in Seattle shopping with Alice when I'd had it. This was going to be fantastic if we pulled it off. Emmett came up behind Edward, almost pushing him down the stairs.

"Come on, Eddie. Move you skinny butt! We've got to get to school!"

I struggled to hide my mirth as I turned toward the door and made my way out. The laughter almost won when I heard Edward berating Emmett. If you think that was bad, Eddie, you should really get some perspective on life. There are things that happen that are so much worse…. I grinned at him when followed me out into the yard and glared at me inquisitively. Rolling my eyes, I took Jasper's hand and dragged him into the back seat of the Jeep.

We were at school before I knew it and it was lunchtime before my brain started paying attention to my surroundings. That's when the excitement kicked in and I had to sit on my hands to stop myself from bouncing around like Alice. Jasper secretly kept his hand in contact with bare skin somewhere on my person through the whole meal. As Edward stood to get rid of his unnecessary food, I nodded imperceptibly at Emmett, who winked and followed our brother.

When the trays were out of both of their hands, Emmett suddenly became a blur…well, to human eyes he would have been a blur. All of us watched with perfect clarity as he pantsed Edward in front of the whole entire cafeteria. The reaction was almost instantaneous after three seconds of silence: the girls' eyes were glued to him and the guys were laughing their asses off. Except for those of the student body who happened to be gay and/or lesbian…not the nicest way to be outed, I suppose.

I watched with overflowing humor and self-satisfaction as Edward, at human speed, pulled his pants back up and stalked out of the cafeteria angrily. I couldn't resist one last jibe at his retreating back. Operation Half-naked is complete. Don't piss me off, Eddie, or I piss on you. See you after school! His growls were only audible to us as he grumbled his way out the door.

"He's going to have to see that every time anyone looks at him in this school from now on. That was epic, Sam. Nicely done!"

I turned to grin at Rose as Emmett declared that he was the one who came up with the plan and was the one to actually pull down Edward's pants. He huffed in indignation as everyone ignored him and went back to observing the chaos that half-naked Edward had left behind. I, on the other hand, sat back in my chair completely satisfied. This has been the best day of school ever! I wish every day could be this entertaining.