Coming Soon to a Theater Near You: Batman Begins

Summary:

Tony Stark finds out some of the Hollywood types he parties with are thinking about making a movie inspired by the urban legend known as the Batman of Gotham. He can't wait to call his boyfriend Bruce Wayne and tell him all about it.

Author's Note:

This fic was inspired by a comment I left on "Those 15 Minutes Of Fame (are clearly overrated)" by starkind, prime purveyor of IronBat fanfic on A03. This is unbetaed and unedited, so feel free to criticize.

Of course, the usual disclaimers apply: I own nothing. None of the real-life celebrities mentioned in this fic have anything to do with it whatsoever.

The sky has just lightened from the deep black of night to the charcoal of predawn when Tony calls. Bruce lets the Tumbler—no matter how often or loudly Tony insists, he refuses to call his vehicle of choice anything as tacky as the Batmobile—make that final leap through the waterfall and into the cave—also just "the cave" and never the Batcave—before answering.

"What."

"Bruciepoo!"

"No real names on comms," he barks out, powering down the vehicle and climbing out.

"Pfft! You're already home. I had JARVIS check. You don't have to do the Batman voice just because you haven't taken the suit off yet. Anyway, this is kind of relevant. I have news!" Tony sounds altogether too delighted, his voice all but purring like the idiomatic cat with the cream.

"Hnn." Bruce's brow furrows deeply as he removes the cowl.

"Is that all you're gonna say?" Pouting is an audible as well as visual expression. Tony has often proven this point, and he does so now.

Bruce just grunts. It's been a hard night, in which he narrowly avoided being chomped on by a man suffering from a reptilian strain of atavism who calls himself Killer Croc and does his best to live up to his appellation. He knows from Tony's tone of voice that the matter isn't urgent, just as he knows from experience that nothing he says will get his fellow genius billionaire superhero to spill the beans before he's good and ready.

So he just waits. Takes the time to start stripping the suit off. Refrains from groaning when bruised ribs protest at his movements.

"Fine! Don't ask. I'm telling you anyway, even though the look on your face if you found out after it's a done deal would be so totally worth it."

Bruce sighs. "What is it, Tony?"

"Well, you know how you told me you couldn't fly to Malibu for my party tonight? You totally, totally should have."

"You know I only socialize when I need to. And I hate those Hollywood parties."

"Yeah, well, at this Hollywood party, a little birdie shared some truly interesting news with me. Did you know Christopher Nolan is working on the script for a Batman movie?"

Bruce has changed into sweatpants and is in the process of pulling on a black t-shirt. He goes dead still at Tony's words. "What?!"

"I know, right? I mean, how dare you get a movie before I do? People aren't even sure you're real! You're still schlepping around as an urban legend, for crying out loud. I'm an Avenger!"

"Part-time," Bruce reminds him absently as he strides to the computer.

"Like that matters, when there are entire threads on Reddit where people are still debating on whether you even exist!"

"Did you say Christopher Nolan?"

"Yeah! He directed that movie we both liked, Memento? The one with the amnesia guy?" They'd watched the film a few months back, while Bruce had been recuperating from a gunshot wound.

"I remember." Bruce is already hacking into the man's email account, having found no solid data on the project on standard search engines or the deep web.

"Yeah, well, looks like talks are getting serious for him to direct it as well as write it, so you could be seeing yourself on the big screen in two, three years."

"Why tell you?"

"Huh?"

"Why tell you? Did you mention your interest in—"

"Hold your horses there, Mr. Frowny Pants! If I know you, you're wondering if someone tied me to you and you to Batman, but I promise you, that's not what happened here. I actually talked to the screenwriter Nolan's partnered up with, seems they want a consult with a real-life superhero on the kind of gear someone like the Bat would need."

Tony snickers and adds, "Bet they'd piss their pants if I told them I knew exactly what kind of gear Batman's using—then show them the schematics for the new Batplane."

"We're not calling it that."

"I designed it, so I call dibs on naming rights!"

Bruce grunts again. He's scrolling through emails between the two script writers. "Their ideas are completely without foundation."

"How do you kno—Brucie, my boo boo bear, are you illegally accessing Mr. Nolan's computer?" Tony's voice deepens into a half-growl, but retains that teasing tone. "You know it turns me on when you put on that black hat of yours, baby."

"He collaborates via email and uses a StarkPhone," Bruce says. "I'm not on his computer."

Tony snorts. "So not the point. JARVIS, show me what Bruce is looking at on the Batcomputer."

"Don't call it that."

"It's a computer. Owned and used by Batman. In the Batcave. Of course I'm calling it the Batcomputer." A pause. "Wow, they've really scoured all the Batman theories floating around on the internet." Snickering. "Even the one about you being a vampire or a demon, even though they're right, the ideas inspired by that theory are a little too M. Night Shyamalan."

"They seem to be angling toward a vengeance-oriented plot."

"Huh? Let me look for that." A pause. "Wow, does Nolan have a thing about angsting over dead women?"

"The murder of a loved one is a powerful motivation for the pursuit of justice."

"Not arguing the point, boo, just saying it's kind of been there, done that."

"I am concerned about their speculations on the Bat's alter ego."

"What, like nobody would've noticed how much it must cost to run a schtick like yours? Get real, babe. Besides, that's where they got the idea to ask me about it, so we can probably consider that a lucky break on our part."

"They mention me by name."

"Oh, you mean the part where they think it would be aces if the guy 'is as rich and blue-blooded as Bruce Wayne, but with actual brain cells instead of whatever cotton wool they've stuffed between the prodigal Prince of Gotham's ears'? Yeah, pretty sure they don't think you're the Batman, cupcake."

"They mention consulting you because of your connection to me and Gotham."

"Yep. I think I should do it. In fact, maybe I'll make noises about signing on as an executive producer or something."

"Have you lost your mind?"

"Better for you if we have some control over what goes into the movie. Plus, if I bring you into it, you can do your whole only-madmen-go-around-dressing-up-as-bats thing. Yep, I'm gonna do it."

"Tony—"

"You can thank me later, Bruciebear! Now I'm going to ring off, Master Wayne, as Alfred might say. Gonna ask to meet the guys before I leave for New York tomorrow."

"Tony, this is not a good idea."

"Sure it is, babe! Just you wait. We still on for that shawarma date tomorrow night?"

A sigh. "As long as—"

"As long as the Batsignal doesn't go up. I know, I know. Well, see you tomorrow, Batsy-my-love!"

One Year Later

"You will never guess who they're considering to play you in the movie, Brucie-Bat!" Tony says as he rolls over onto his back. They're in Bruce's bed in Wayne Manor.

Bruce scowls. "So much for afterglow."

Tony smacks the other man's bare buttock. "You should be flattered. They're looking at some very talented individuals now that you and the Joker have accidentally built some hype for them after that whole ferryboat thing, plus that whole Dent scandal."

"I lost my oldest friend over that 'scandal,'" Bruce reminds his lover, ice in his voice and in his eyes.

"Oh please," Tony says, his own voice hardening even as he rolls his eyes and takes on an affectation of flippancy. "Rachel stopped being your friend when she dropped your ass off on some sidewalk the day your parents' murderer got set free after promising to rat out the mob. Not to mention the fact that we saved her ass during that whole crisis and did our best to save her boyfriend too. It's not our fault he dumped her later. I told you Dent was too good to be true. He reminded me of my dad."

"Howard was not a good man, Tony," Bruce says, but the ice has melted, and he reaches for Tony's hand.

"Neither is Dent." Tony sighs. After a moment, he tries again. "So wanna hear who they're thinking of approaching for screen tests?"

Bruce grunts, but doesn't deny him, which is either resignation or apology for their previous topic of conversation.

Tony grins wide. "George Clooney."

"No."

"I don't know, babe. I kinda liked him in Oceans Eleven. But he's only one of many. They've tossed around a few names, and I don't think Clooney is dark enough for the script Nolan's putting those finishing touches on. If it weren't for that trademark salt-and-pepper hair of his, I'd probably say his style would fit that big blue friend of yours better than Batman's."

"Who else."

"Ben Affleck."

Bruce frowns. "Isn't he with that actress who looks a lot like Pepper?"

"Gwyneth Paltrow? Yeah, he was! But your info is way out of date, Brucie-poo. He and J-Lo just broke up, and I hear he's sniffing around Jennifer Garner—you know, that hot chick from Alias—these days. His BFF is Matt Damon, who might do better on the action scenes because, you know, Jason Bourne and all that."

Bruce just groans and buries his face in his pillow.

"I think Nolan's got the hots for Christian Bale, though. I wasn't sure, but I checked him out in American Psycho, and I think he could do justice to the whole scary Bat thing. He also did the action star stuff in Equilibrium. And he does kind of look like you."

Bruce turns his head to study Tony's face. "I thought the whole point of becoming an executive producer was to make sure the movie doesn't do justice to the Batman."

Tony waves a dismissive hand. "Of course, of course. You've read the latest draft of the script yourself, babe. John, the Bat's alter ego, is like the complete anti-Brucie. He's broody and intense and totally straight, not to mention emo over the murder of his wife. Nobody would look at him and think, 'That guy reminds me of Tony Stark's billionaire bimbo boyfriend Brucie Wayne.'"

"I'm not a bimbo."

"Course not, babe! You know that, and I know that, but the rest of the world thinks Brucie would be confused by the rattling if he ever accidentally had two thoughts in his head at the same time." Tony traces a line from the nape of Bruce's neck down to his ass. "Have I told you how sexy I find the whole secret genius thing?"

Bruce shifts, lays a hand on Tony's hip. Pulls him closer. "Show me."

Eighteen Months After That

"Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark! How do you feel about producing a movie about a superhero who isn't you?"

Tony, resplendent in a dark Armani suit with a crimson shirt and dark gold tie, tugs on Bruce's arm so they stop their progress down the red carpet. "I'm pretty sure the Batman is a vigilante, not a superhero," he says with a wink. "And mostly I liked having an excuse to visit my Brucie-bear here when they were filming on location."

"Mr. Wayne! Do you think the movie is an accurate depiction of the Batman?"

Bruce, looking picture-perfect in a midnight blue Hermès suit, shoots one of his signature confused-Brucie frowns in the reporter's direction. "Well, I wouldn't know, as I've never met him."

"What do you think of the real-life Batman, Mr. Wayne?"

Bruce shrugs and smiles vapidly. "I dunno, really. But a guy who goes around Gotham beating people up while dressed like a bat clearly has issues."

"I'll show you issues," Tony murmurs into Bruce's ear.

"What about you, Mr. Stark?"

"I'm sorry, what was the question?"

"What do you think about the real-life Batman? Have you met him? How does what he does compare to what you do as Iron Man?"

"Well, the only Gothamite I hang with is Brucie here, and neither of us is likely to be seen in the nighttime alleys the Batman is said to haunt. Plus, what I do with the Avengers as Iron Man is government-sanctioned, while the Batman is wanted by the GCPD, so I'm not really sure there's any point of comparison."

"What about the rumors that the Batman and Superman are forming a team of heroes to rival the Avengers?"

"As if! No offence to the big blue alien, but I'm not sure their little B team could be described as a rival for the Avengers. And if they're recruiting rabble like the Batman, I'm not entirely sure how they hope to work with law enforcement or any other branch of government. I mean, who else are they gonna rope in? That Hood guy from Star City?" Tony laughs and shakes his head. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a movie date with my boo-boo here."

As they walk toward the theater, Bruce leans in. "B team? You're gonna catch some flak from a certain Metropolitan flyboy for that one."

Tony snickers. "B as in Bats, baby! The boy scouts in red and blue might be the mascots, but you and I both know these hero teams fall apart without a genius billionaire to run them."

"I still can't believe you dragged me out to see this," Bruce grumbles.

"Aww, you know Brucie Wayne wouldn't miss this for the world. And don't think I didn't notice that Alfred served you coffee in a Batman-themed mug this morning."

"I hate you."

"That's not what you said when I talked Clooney out of doing a screen test. Or when I got the costume designer to take the nipples off the armor design."

Later That Week

Batman and Superman are in the cave discussing their progress when it comes to recruiting metahumans for their team. The Amazon goddess Wonder Woman is with them as well, having recently moved to Washington DC from Paris.

Tony's present, having proclaimed the necessity of upgrading the firewalls for the Batcomputer (a name Superman has begun to use, to Bruce's unending chagrin). Bruce has no choice but to introduce his teammates to the mouthy superhero from the opposing team who just so happens to be the love of his life. And he has no doubt Tony has engineered the entire encounter.

"So did you guys see the movie? What did you think?"

A frown seems out of place on a face as impossibly beautiful as Diana's. "It was very inaccurate."

Tony grins. "That was the point."

"The fighting was unrealistic. Batman doesn't use guns, and he does not execute his foes."

"That's Hollywood for ya."

"Still, I enjoyed the story, once I divorced the concept of the Batman on screen from the one I have come to know."

Tony pumps a fist in the air. "Yes!" He turns to Superman. "What about you, Big Blue?"

The Man of Steel frowns. "I read about what you said about the Justice League, Mr. Stark." His tone is scolding, a little like an olden-style schoolmarm, if schoolmarms were built like mack trucks and had the looks and deep voices typical of CNN anchors and Midwestern politicians.

Tony pouts. "Yeah, B said you'd be grumpy about that! But don't you get it? B-Team, because Batman! But that's not what I asked. What did you think about the movie?"

"It was very violent."

"Uh huh. Have you met this guy?" Tony jerks a thumb in Bruce's direction and gets a gauntleted one-finger salute in response.

"And very moving. Especially in the first few minutes, before the action started."

Tony stares at the alien, who shifts his weight awkwardly—a move made even more awkward by the fact that he's floating about three inches above the cave floor. Then he starts snickering. "You cried."

"…"

"You cried. Over the dog."

"It was a puppy!" The strongest man on Earth looks positively outraged. "Bruce, tell him! No way you can kill a puppy in the movie and not have people cry over it."

Bruce doesn't look up from the tablet where he's going over lab results from a case he's investigating. "I told you not to watch it."

"It was about you!"

"It was not. As Diana has already said, it was entirely inaccurate. This was intentional."

"You should've told me about the puppy! It wasn't on the poster. You know I never watch movies with dogs on the posters. You should have warned me."

"I did."

"You said, 'Don't watch the Batman movie.' That's it! No details, no nothing! Of course I was going to watch it. It was about my best friend! Lois and I made a date of it, and I was sobbing in the first fifteen minutes."

"Don't blame me for your idiocy."

Before Superman can ask what part of that statement Bruce considered idiotic, Tony interrupts, "What did you think about the actor playing Batman?"

Diana, wise to the necessity of a change of topic, jumps right in. "He was very handsome, and I could see some superficial similarity to our Dark Knight."

Superman scowls. "Don't think you can distract me from—"

"Did you know they were considering George Clooney for it?" Tony's grin is slightly manic.

"I—" The Man of Steel pauses. Tilts his head. "George Clooney?"

Bruce groans.

End Note:

Obviously, they couldn't make a movie where Batman's alter ego was actually Bruce Wayne. So I stole the plot from John Wick. Because that movie totally should've come with trigger warnings, and not about the violence, which was absolutely justified after that puppy, IMO.

Also, my poking at some of the actors here is not necessarily a reflection of what I think about them. For the record, I really enjoyed Christian Bale's depiction of the Dark Knight, and I loved Ben Affleck's snark as Bruce Wayne.