I have never written something like this so let's see how this goes. It kind of just popped into my head when I watched the part about Gandalf in Dol Guldor, and I literally spent 20 minutes laughing my ass off. Hopefully, I'll be able to portray the full hilarity of this. Enjoy! And leave a review *puppy dog eyes*
Disclaimer : I do not own Tolkien's work, I think that's pretty obvious. Lavinnia however is fully my own.
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"Lavinnia!" she jumped slightly at the abusive bellowing of her name, glaring at the dark-haired male.
"What?!"
"Gandalf has been taken." Her eyes widened. "Aragorn, this better not be a joke." He sighed. "I wish I was. He was investigating the premises to see what exactly had been awakened there after Radagast alerted him." Lavinnia scrunched up her face. "So that's where Radagast went. I wondered about his random 'taking off and leaving me alone without a note' deal." The ranger nodded. "Now, Gandalf has been captured and Radagast is still trying to lose the orcs that are chasing him, so we have to rescue him." Again Lavinnia made a face, "but like, Gandalf is a wizard. He should be able to get out." He shook his head. "Not with You Know Who being there."
Yet again a disgusted face worked it's way onto Lavinnia's face. "Fine. Let's go save some wizard butt."
The pair finally reached Dol Guldor and were watching the entrance. "Well? What's the plan?" Aragorn winced. "I was hoping you could maybe zap us in there..." Livvy groaned. "Seriously?! My power doesn't work here. It blocks it. So we have to get real creative here." Aragorn gave her a dubious look. Just how creative are you talking?" She grinned at him and grabbed his hand, dragging him down though the entrance and right smack into orc city.
She squealed happily and caught the orcs attention right away. They had not seen a beautiful female in a long time so immediately some dove for her but she sidestepped easily, and looked at them. "I'm over here." One Orc snarled at her and she got the feeling that he was the leader. "What business do two humans have here?" Lavinnia giggled and twirled a lock of hair. " We've totally wanted to come here for sooooooooooooo long. Like, For-Evah!" She danced around clapping her hands and giggling while the poor orcs stood there looking confuzzled. She ran in one direction, "OOOOOH! Lookie, lookie, look, look! She touched the pillars, went onto the balcony, spun around in the room, blew kisses at the orcs and tangoed with Aragorn, whose code name was Bob. She was Princess Crystal Chalice the Magnificent.
"Stop this nonsense!" The Leader snapped. Lavinnia just wiggled her fingers at him. The orc rolled his eyes at her and yelled, "why are you stupids still standing here?! Go get her!" At this her face fell, she spoke in a soft, quivering voice, "You don't like me?" At he sweet puppy dog face, a collective 'awwwwwwww' could be heard by all the orcs. "No." Orc guy growled. Lavinnia let the water works burst from their dam. Her wails could be heard for miles. " YOU'RE RIGHT! I'M HIDEOUS! ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE COMPLIMENTED BY AN ORC, BUT I'M NOT BEEEEYOOOOOOOTIIFUUUULLLLLL ENOUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The Orc guy looked taken aback while Bob 'Aragorn' patted Princess Crystal Chalice's "Lavinnia" hand, shaking his head disappointingly. Orc guy felt uncomfortable. He felt as though...he had to do something... dare he think it?...Good?! He opened his mouth "No, no, princess, you are beautiful. Very, very beautiful." All the other orcs agreed. But Lavinnia kept wailing.
"OH, LEAVE ME ALONE! I WANT TO BE ALONE! I WANT TO WALLOW IN...WHATEVER IT IS PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO WALLOW IN! Do people wallow in pity? OH, LOOK AT ME! i DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE WALLOWING IN! I'M SO PATHETIC!" (A/N: MLP quote. I do not own MLP. And I am very unrepentant for using it here.)
Suddenly Bob (Aragorn) leaped up. He wailed to the stars, " Oh dearest Princess! Your beauty and tears have called out deeply to my heart, and it has responded! Let's get married." Princess Crystal (Lavinnia) lifted her face, beaming with great happiness, "YES! We shall be married at sundown!" Bob nodded enthusiastically "Then we will ride away into the sunset and live happily ever after, the end!" Princess Crystal jumped up and wrapped her arms around him, giving him a smooch. Then she whirled around. "YOU HEARD US! WE ARE GETTING MARRIED!" She pointed at one orc. "YOU TAKE SOME ORCS AND GET. ME. FLOWERS! OR I'LL TURN YOU INTO ORC CAKES, AND YOU TAKE SOME AND START MAKING FOOD. I WANT ANY AND ALL, SOMEBODY MAKE INVITATIONS TO OTHER ORC REALMS, AND I NEED SHE-ORCS TO MAKE MY DRESS! GOOOO!" All the orcs, including Orc guy, scrambled to obey her. She-orcs came running with some white fabric that they acquired from somewhere, and others were reading out their invitations that were to be sent off out loud. Bob was off with some orcs to make Groom's clothes, and over see the food preparations, flowers were put up everywhere and screechy music could be heard from the Orc- chestra (A/N Pun fully intended. So sue me).
Princess Crystal came careening around the corner, shouting orders and causing mayhem and pandemonium everywhere, ( and feeling quite pleased about it) When the nine ring wraiths appeared before her. "You have trespassed here woman, and you shall pay!" Lavinnia gasped and threw her arms around the Witch-King. "You are perfect! You shall be my officiant!" The Witch-King looked perplexed. "What is an officiant?"
"You like, do the wedding."
"Wedding?!"
"Yes. My wedding. I am getting married and you had better be there or else." She growled out the last part of the sentence, causing the Witch-King's knees to knock together. Lavinnia charged away once again leaving mayhem and pandemonium in her wake. The Wraiths looked at each other, then at Orc guy, who was to be the Best Orc. He just shrugged and said, "Just go along with it."
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At last, the wedding was ready and everyone was getting into their seats, when Bob and Princess Crystal Chalice the Magnificent came charging in.
"Everyone! I have and announcement." Lavinnia called out in a much nicer tone than what she used earlier. "Bob and I are not getting married." A collective groan echoed throughout the throne room and the Witch-King called out "It took me 2 hours to memories all these lines!"
Lavinnia smiled. "Not to worry. There is still a wedding. Orc guy..." He waved. "Shall be marrying Orc-gal." The doors flew open and the off key music started as Orc-gal's flower girl and ring-bearer, and bride's maids came down the aisle, and finally Orc-gal herself. She was dressed in a dirty white wedding dress and was beaming with happiness as she approached the alter.
The wedding started, and Lavinnia and Aragorn stayed long enough to watch the ceremony.
When everyone left to go to the reception, they bullet-ed down to the dungeons and bustled Gandalf out, relaying the entire story to him. Lavinnia had never heard Gandalf laugh that hard in all the years she'd known him.
The trio returned to Imladris, and were immediately accosted by the twin terrors and Glorfindel.
"Where have you two been?"
"Why do you smell?"
"Gandalf you're injured!"
"What have you been doing?!"
"What are you doing to far from Mirkwood forest Lavinnia?"
"By the Valar you three! Give them space!" Lord Elrond's voice boomed out and they fell silent, still giving the trio inquisitive stares. Arwen, Erestor, and Legolas followed him quickly, eyes widening in surprise at what they saw.
Elrond looked them up, then down and asked "What have you been doing?" That elicited giggles from the trio. They could not stop laughing for at least ten minutes, and then as they told their story, they kept having to stop in order to calm down a bit. By the time they'd finished, the whole group was hysterically laughing with them. Finally, Lord Elrond, Erestor and Glorfindel, whisked Gandalf away to have him looked over, and the friend group went to the kitchens to get some chow. Lavinnia still giggled a bit and she inadvertently glanced at Legolas, catching him smiling at her. Perhaps a real wedding could be seen on the horizon.
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A/N: So I laughed a lot. Not sure if I quite captured the hilarity of this occasion but we'll see! Review, pretty please?