Howdy! This is just your regular scheduled trans fic from your's truly!
TWs for this fic are Transphobia, Dysphoria and Abusive Families. Please put your comfort first before reading.
Also, fair warning: Any transphobia or other assorted bigotry will result in me dunking on you.
You may also find this fic under the same name on my A03 account, Hailing Torrent.
Onto the fic!
It was a beautiful day, albeit in an aesthetic sense. The sun was shining, rays glossing over the simple leaves of the land. A cool wind, carrying a scent of cinnamon traced along the noses of the Team Gai, blew like a gentle reminder of the luck they had to do a drill on such an auspicious day. All things considered, it was a beautiful day.
That's what she likes to remember. Neji likes to remember it was a beautiful day when she was forced out of the closet.
First thing's first: The Hyuga family, as a whole, are pricks. Now, there are some exceptions as Hinata and (after some much needed humility) Neji. But the old guard, as it were, kept to old ways. Old, outdated ways. Ways that should've died out years ago.
Such as the conservative hatred of anything abnormal, which they would use to describe anyone queer. If you're lucky, you get a quick exile with a not so gentle pat on the back after Coming Out. If you're unlucky, then the Old Guard lock the closet door and crush the key to dust, expecting you to keep up a charade for your entire life in service of honor. Honor being, you guessed it, old, outdated and ugly ways.
For Neji, she never gave much thought to questioning such destructive and hateful ways. A few memories she's not too proud of reminded Neji of how she took part in such destructive and hateful ways. There were a lot of those. Memories Neji would rather she could forget.
It was, say, a month after the Chunin Exams. After the aforementioned humility inducing beatdown, Neji took some time off from training. Got hell from the Elders, but she found pissing them off would become increasingly satisfying. During this sabbatical, it hit Neji how the old ways were incorrect, wrong, disingenuous, outdated and just about every form of not true she could think of.
And that opened the floodgates, as it were. Pouring over the illegal tomes (Read: Non-Hyuga propaganda) Neji begun finding out about the world her people and family had been trying to keep secret for all these years. Different cultures. Differents races. Different beliefs and genders.
The word transgender, stuck within her mind. A simple word:
adjective
denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex.
If the floodgates had opened previously, now they had been revealed to contain an even larger, more conflicted and turmulitious floodgate within its water. Which, following the example of its shielder, decided to break open in Neji's mind.
A simple word, but one that fit her. For years, these feelings had been suppressed within. Much like how the Hyuga's would force those who wish to come out back into their closets, Neji had unknowingly done the same to herself. Neji supposed she would have considered it ironic, if it wasn't for how much it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked!
Coming out was a definite no-no. Neji was not about to let these feelings pour out. The floodgate may have been unhealthy, but it kept her safe. Safe from the conservative practices of her people. Safe from discrimination within the Shinobi community. Safe from being able to walk down a street at night and feeling fear.
So, the floodgate became something of a reservoir. The feelings would be let out, whether through experimenting with clothing or makeup she so carefully stashed away, but never released into the world. A placation. A compromise. And the world was nothing but compromises, right?
Unfortunately, a compromise of pain is a fragile thing.
Neji thought she had cleared all of it off her. All the eyeshadow that made her eyes light up in the dark attic she practiced in. The lipstick that gave her a jubilant glow. The blush that helped counteract the natural paleness of the Hyuga. Neji thought she cleaned all of it off before training. And she had.
She just forgot to leave the actual makeup out of her pockets.
One simple sparring session with Lee. One surprisingly stiff kick. One falling over Neji. And finally, one knocked astray eyeliner tube.
"Oh, Lee-Friend! You dropped your-" As soon as the most enthusisatic fucker in the world, as Neji had taken to calling him in her mind, went to pick the tube up, Neji's swift and stern palm smacked away Lee's own.
"Didn't the barn teach you not to touch people's things!" This wasn't meant to happen. She had been doing this for years. Before she had to go out into the world and deal with all of it, she would go to her safe-spot in the attic and put on her shield. Ironically agan, the shield would be washed away before going out into danger. But, it did the job of curing the pain. Sorry, did I say curing? I meant easing.
And everytime she left, she would place it all in their spots. The blush and lipstick beneath the creaky floorboard, fourth from the right. The eyeliner taped to the banister that hung worryingly low. The shadow within the window sill outside her room. Everything had a place to stay safe. Her pocket was not one of those places.
In her worry to stop the Most Enthusiastic Fucker In The World from touching it, Neji had forgotten there were two spectators to the faux paus. But was quickly reminded when Tenten picked up the eyeliner.
"Nonononononononononononononononononononononononononon….."
This was it. This was the end. Goodbye the intern position in the Anbu. Goodbye the family. Goodbye to her friends on the team.
"Oh! It's eyeliner. Friend-Neji, I found this particular brand to be of shoddy quality. If you would allow me, I could lend you some of mine and Gai sensei's own brand, EYE-TIME OF YOUTH!"
That…..was not what Neji expected to hear from Lee as he moved to inspect the tube alongside TenTen, who seemed to be switching between being annoyed by Lee's plugging and concern towards Neji. Neji hoped it was concern.
"Don't touch my things!" Moving forward, Neji ripped the tube from TenTen's hand, feeling a tinge of guilt when she saw the hurt look on her teammates face, which was quickly replaced with annoyance.
"I don't see what the big deal is, Neji. So ya' a dude who wears eyeliner. So's Lee, and we put up with him." Lee beamed smiling, either ignoring or oblivious to the insult. Definitely both.
Neji was forced out of the closet that day. But it wasn't by either teammate who accompanied her that day. It was by the inner yearning within herself. The desire to be finally seen by the world as her. To shop for dresses with Hinata. To have her hair tied into buns by TenTen. To have those girly get togethers she read about in trashy books. The desire to be her thrashed against the carefully constructed walls of the reservoir everyday. It was only today that the dam broke.
"I'm not a dude who wears eyeliner. I'm a girl who wears eyeliner!"
"Well, shit."
"Gasp!" Why did Lee always literally say the word instead of actually gasping? "A second girl on the team! And one of such masculine power! Truly this is the greatest team in all of Konoha!" The mention of masculine earned a smack on the head from TenTen.
"Lee, I love you. But don't call a girl like Neji masculine. It's really not cool." Turning her eyes up, she faced Neji, her face rather neutral. "Unless you're grand with that?"
"Yo-You guys don't think I'm a freak?"
"Gasp!"
"Lee, I swear to God…" Upon hearing TenTen's admonishment, Lee straightened up and held his arms outwards. Almost as if he was…..
Oh God, he's going for a hug. And yet, Neji didn't resist.
"Neji-Friend, you are not a freak. If anything, we are the freakish one's for you to not be comfortable telling us. To be your true self," Breaking the hug, Lee burst into one of his archetypal poses. "THAT IS THE SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH!"
"Wouldn't use the same words, but I couldn't agree more." TenTen walked up to both of them, wrapping a good natured arm around both of their shoulders. Once more, Neji didn't resist. "It'll be cool to finally have another girl on the team. Would help balance out the, y'know." While her eyes darting towards her left to Lee suggested annoyance at his and Gai's habits, the sentimental smile suggested something else.
Yes, the day Neji came out of the closet was a beautiful one. And not just aesthetically.