A/N

Kristen's Author's Note

Wow. I now know why this is called a crack fic. That's all. Don't judge me. xD and enjoy.

Elsi's Author's Note

Lol, this was fun to write and considering how it started its pretty good... enjoy x3

Please REVIEW! :D

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Snowed in with a 12 year old brat and a room full of subordinates, Roy mustang wasn't happy in the least.

"Muuussstttaaannnaaaagggg! Oh sorry, I mean Mustnag! You bastard, are you even listening to me?"

"Brother! Calm down!" Yelled a suit of armor as he attempted to hold back an angry Edward Elric.

"Bastard! Al and I have a train to catch!" Roy yawned. "To hell with that. If you can get your way through the snow, get the Hell out." For an office of subordinates, the verbal abuse between the Colonel and Fullmetal was nothing too out of the ordinary for them.

"This isn't fair you know; we can't even open the fucking door, you bastard! Besides, the snow could damage the blood seal. Idiot!" yelled the agitated alchemist with some very... imaginative hand gestures. "Edward," Riza said quietly. "Perhaps you should lower your voice. Yelling about it isn't going to help." Roy grinned. "Agreed. We should listen to dear Hawkeye."

"Bow-chick-a-wow-wow," whispered Havoc to Breda, who snickered. "What does that mean?" asked the very sheltered Alphonse. Havoc cleared his throat "Al. When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they-" "Hey! what the fuck are you teaching my brother you dumbshit?" yelled Ed to the now terrified Alphonse. "Alphonse... they lied!" "Brother? But you said that-" Ed shook his head furiously. "End of topic."

Even Roy and the solemn Riza were hiding smiles at the end of that conversation between the two brothers. "Hey! Shut up Mustnag," Ed growled. "Brother!"

Click. "Oh. My. God. There is no way in Xing I am staying in a power outage with a pervert like you, Havoc! Al... go stand on the other side of the room!" Ed yelled. And the verbal wars began again. Back and forth, curses and insults shot across the room like bullets. Hawkeye, overwhelmed by the sudden urge to shoot the next one to say something, let out a sigh.

"Lieutenant?" Roy asked. "Are you sure we are the only ones left in the building?"

"Yes, everyone else was able to finish their paper work hours ago... So I'll go find some candles." "I'll come!" exclaimed Mustang and hurried out behind Riza. "Wait... What! you're just going to leave us with... with HAVOC?" said Ed and Al. "What's wrong with Havoc?" yelled Havoc. "Ed, I'm scared... I don't wanna learn things!"

Riza felt a tiny guilty for leaving, but she had to get away from that. "Lieeuuutennant!" Called a childish Mustang. "Sir? I think I am capable of getting these candles myself." Roy smiled as he followed behind Hawkeye. "I know."

The two approached the supplies closet, and as Riza opened it - was surprised to see just how much unorganized crap Eastern had. She sighed as Roy and her stepped inside. She looked back at her commanding officer who suddenly made himself very busy with looking through a pile of discarded paperwork.

"Sir?"

"Uhmm, yes?"

"Try over there," Riza pointed. Mustang, who was very glad not to be called out on staring once again at Riza, quickly over to the mentioned piles. "Do you think Ed and Al are going to be OK with Havoc? He seemed to be in the... educating mood..." Riza asked.. "Hmm? Oh they'll be fine... So, did you have any plans for tonight?" "No, nothing extraordinary, sir. And seeing as which we are stuck in this godforsaken building, if I did, I couldn't act on them."

"Too bad," Roy mumbled. Riza nodded. "Candles, sir." She reminded him as he started to zone out. "Uh, yeah. Sorry." They searched through the crap, before Roy found them. "Aha. Bastards are right here," He muttered, pulling out a box of candles. "Great. Let's go." Riza strode over to the door, and tried to open it. Locked. "Are you kidding me?" "what? The door locked? Wow, haven't been locked in a closet in a while, eh Lieutenant?" Roy said, as a nervous chuckle escaped him. "Light a candle, sir," Riza asked as she uselessly knocked on the door, desperate to escape.

"It's no use, hon. They can't hear us." Roy said, lighting one of the candles with a flimsy match for lack of ignition gloves. "Well, sir. What do you suppose we do, then?" Riza said agitatedly. Roy, illuminated by the lone candle, grinned wickedly. "My ideas might differ from yours."

"And that would be?"

"Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much-" He began. Riza, to his surprise, chuckled. "No, sir. We couldn't possibly." Roy huffed. "Fine." The two sat in the cramped room, the candle in a make-shift candle holder. It was almost sickening how the almost life long friends stayed silent, until -

Roy covered her mouth with his. And to his mild surprise- she kissed back.

Meanwhile, in the office that was starting to feel rather cramped, Ed and Al were huddled under the desk praying Hawkeye would come back soon and save them from Havoc and his ranting. "And that's another thing... How come they don't like my hair? Women are allwwaayysss ranting about Mustang and his "oh so silky and gorgeous hair!" He stated in a huff. Breda and Falman sighed, "Give it up Havoc! and stop scaring the kids over there..." "Hmm? oh right... Hey Al where did you guys get to?"

"Shh! brother don't answer him!" "Havoc... you really screwed them up..." "Shuddup! and I'm teaching them to NEVER tell Mustang anything about their love life." "What love love life you idiot! I'm freaking 12 years old!" Yelled Edward. "But brother, what about Winr-" "Shh... hee hee what in the world are you talking about..." Falman, Breda, and Feury were all aware of the crazed look in Ed's eye and deemed it best not to say anything.

"So, Ed... any plans for the weekend?" "Yeah, research. You?" "Oh, brother... but... but you said we could maybe... go to that carnival. You used to love it! remember?" "i know, i know... Fine, but remember we used most of the budget on the last trip. And besides you can't fit in the rides anymore..."

"Oh..."

Great. Now I'm depressed! thought Havoc as he sighed, "Well I know that the Colonel is going to go with some girl, I'm sure he wouldn't mind two more!" "Heh heh heh. Two birds with one stone!" Havoc thought as he saw his good deed as a way to wreck Mustang's date. "Do you think that the Colonel would bring us?" Asked Alphonse who was bouncing up and down by now. "Get real Al, that bastard wouldn't do it if his life depended on it..."

"Ed! Why do you have to be so mean to everyone who ever does anything to help us?"

"I AM NOT!"

"Yeah, chief, you kind of are..."

"Shuddup you spine-less Two faced bastard who can't get a date!"

"See, Brother! You are mean!"

"Shut up!"

"Ed, i just got you a way to spend someone else's money at a carnival, that my friend is nice. Besides Mustang would do it anyways."

"Ha... yeah right..." Ed sighed as he settled back down under the desk with Al. "Chief... you know that he is just talk when you two argue, right?" asked Havoc. "You sure?" replied Ed. "Kid, if he meant all his threats, Havoc would have been six feet under years ago." added Breda. "oh..." "I WOULD NOT!"

"Um, sirs?" Feury squeaked. "Aren't you worried about the Colonel and the Lieutenant?" Havoc repeated mouthing the words 'Colonel' and 'Lieutenant' until he came to a conclusion. Laughing, he and Breda made eye contact as they both assumed the same thing.

"No way..."

"I think so."

"Got a camera?"

"Always." Breda turned to Feury, "Stay here and watch the kids, we'll be right back." and with that Havoc and Breda sprinted down the hallways. "Come on Breda! Dammit where the hell are they?" "I think they went th-" Breda started, to be interrupted with: "AAAAHHHHHHHHHH" "Oh shit that was Ed!" Both their faces paled as they only could imagine what had happened to make that hardcore, bad ass kid scream bloody murder. "Brother! W-whats wrong?" "It burns it burns... i can't un see it..."

Edward cowered in the corner with Feury and Al, when Havoc came. "What did you do to the kid?" He looked inside the room, to see two very flustered - but thankfully still clothed - officers. Hawkeye's jacket was off and hair was down and messy, where somehow Roy's shirt had made it off. Thank god chief Fullmetal made it in time.

"Don't stare, Havoc," mumbled an embarrassed Roy as he shrugged a jacket back on, and helped Hawkeye off the ground. If it weren't for fullmetal, Havoc probably would have yelled something along the lines as 'Riza you have a massive hickey!'

"Men, report back to the office, Alphonse you too..." "Fullmet- Ed... i can explain," Roy said as he took a seat next to the child on the floor as Riza collected herself. "So.. er Ed..." "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT! you pervert you were ON THE FLOOR... IN A CLOSET!" "That may be so, Ed, but it's natural and I'm sure we can be mature about it."

"Mature? YOU want ME to be MATURE about THAT! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ANYWAYS?"

"R-really? Oh, oh god... weeeelllll, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much-"

"DO NOT TALK TO ME! You SICK, SICK man! I'm NOT stupid! PERVERT!"

"Well then don't ask 'What the hell was that?' AND I'm not a pervert!" "Whatever you Bastard..."

"But Ed, I'm sure you have some legitimate questions, man-to-man... so..."

"SHUDDUP! BASTARD!"

"Fine. your loss... I am not exactly a beginner... So if you have any questions..."

"NNNOOOOO! MY EARS! WHY YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!" Ed quickly shut up though once Riza emerged from the the closet. "Edward..." she said as she took a seat on the other side of the kid placing a hand on his shoulder. "Edward I'm sure Roy has said something along the lines of this being natural-" "Oh NO WAY! Uh-uh... Besides YOU SHOULD BE FREAKING OUT OVER ALPHONSE! HE just saw two people he looks up to MAKING OUT IN A CLOSET... AND he's ELEVEN!" Roy smirked, "you sure you don't mean you? Eh, Fullmetal?" "That's it! Thanks for the terrifying night. I'm going to go find Al." And with that the fullmetal alchemist booked it to the office.

"I'm sorry, Riza."

"Why are you worried about me? Those two boys are the ones who never want to look at you again."

Roy sighed. "Are you mad at me too?" Riza shook her head, smiling loosely. "No, of course not." "Why am I always the bad guy?" Roy complained. "Because..." Riza crouched beside him and placed a quick, final kiss on his lips. "I don't fit the part." She then left him flat on his ass as she hurried back to the office.

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The rest of the night went by awkwardly enough - with Havoc, Breda and Feury's shocked, amused and down right perverted glances and comments - Hawkeye kept her gun close by at all times. Ed and Al went back to hiding under the desk, mumbling about something or other. Roy was doing his over-due paper work for lack of anything better to do... he didn't think Riza was up for the next base in the closet. But after a few hours once every one got a little bored with the hot Roy and Riza gossip, they moved on and began to do their own thing. After awhile Roy found himself picking up a sleeping Ed to place him on the couch he was also sleeping on, while Riza was talking to Al (who was finally convinced to come out from under the desk). "Come on Fullmetal, stop squirming..." Roy complained as his jacket was snatched and used as a blanket. Soon everyone had found a spot the fall asleep that night and peace and quiet finally came.

-WHACK-

"Dammit! FULLMETAL! What the HELL you could have BROKE MY NOSE! Ow!" "Wha- THE HELL! WHY AM I SLEEPING NEXT TO PERVE BOY? who knows what could have happened? What... WHY IS YOUR JACKET ON TOP OF ME!" "SHUT UP FULLMETAL!" "BROTHER! YOU WOKE EVERYONE UP! STOP BEING MEAN TO COLONEL MUSTANG! he was trying to be nice!" "SHUT UP!"

So what if the quiet didn't last long, and they were all screaming again as Falman told Havoc about 'cabin fever', making him cry and everyone really wanted to leave HQ... Only truth knows when the snow would melt. Besides, Alphonse found a Twister board...