Yeah, don't really know where this came from...was listening to this song earlier and for some reason it got me thinking. This is my first songfic for a fanfic and I don't think it's that good, but yeah. I wrote it in like twenty minutes, lol. I'm tired...Ugh...Did everyone have a Merry Christmas?
Anyway, Hope you enjoy! Please review! Oh and as for warnings...just some slash toward the end is all, lol. Thanks again, and read my general disclaimer on my page if you want a disclaimer, 'cause I don't own this show or this song.
Onward!
Something More
Inspired by song of same title by Secondhand Serenade. Takes place during season 5, a bit before the finale, when Dean is feeling hopeless and Cas is just a former angel, now turned human.
Songfic
I lie awake again
My body's feeling paralyzed
It was late at night and as usual, Dean was in bed staring up at the ceiling. It was something he did a lot these days, it seemed, but he didn't care. Sleep didn't matter to him. He could sleep when he was dead, and that would probably be soon, by the way things were going. The Apocalypse was like a lost puppy he couldn't get rid of - he and Sam had fed it twice by breaking the first and last seals and setting Lucifer free, and now it refused to go away, constantly shadowing them like some stalker. Honestly, Dean was getting tired of it.
His body was stiff and sore from the latest hunt, but he only knew that because his mind told him it was so. He felt far too numb at the moment to really feel, but maybe that was just a sort of small blessing. He wasn't sure.
I can't remember when
I didn't live through this disguise
It was true. This was just a disguise, a façade he kept going for appearances, but on nights like this when painkillers had Sam knocked out on the second bed in the room, he allowed the tired tears to well coldly in his eyes. Tears used to be warm and salty, but now they were just cold as ice and held with them the pit of despair he held in his heart. Guilt ate at him continuously, and this stupid mask was keeping him from telling anyone. This stupid façade he'd created so long ago that now made him feel like a damn prisoner to himself. It was just a disguise, a ruse, and no one seemed capable of seeing through it.
So, quietly, alone in his own bed while Sam slept soundly and unaware anything was even slightly amiss with his big brother, Dean allowed the tears to roll down his cheeks freely.
They couldn't se me free
I'm stuck here in this life
I didn't ask for
It wasn't like he'd ever asked to be a hunter, it had just happened. This life had started a year after his mother had died. John had handed him a gun, shown him the basics of how to work it, and had instructed him to shoot first and ask questions later. It was a lot to take in when one was five-freaking-years-old. Not like John cared. He just wanted Dean to look after Sammy. John had been a little paranoid at the time, but all hunters got like that sometimes, Dean knew.
Even so, he hadn't asked for this life. Secretly, he dreamed of a life of freedom, a life with a family and 2.5 kids and a white picket fence, all the things he joked with Sam about. They were actually desires in his mind but no one would ever know, and he couldn't let them play out freely, either, because he was a hunter. This was his life.
Sure, he hadn't asked for it, but it was his life and it was all he had.
There must be something more
Do we know what we're fighting for?
What was he fighting for anymore? Him and Sam both? And Cas, where he was at the moment? The now-human angel had taken off earlier that evening, after the fight they'd just had against a coven of blood-driven vampires. Why were they fighting, still? The world was ending, there was nowhere to hide, nowhere to run…just nothing. Why fight when it was a losing battle anyway? What were they fighting for, anyway? Freedom? Peace on Earth? That was never going to happen.
Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out
Dean took a moment to breathe and collect himself. Angrily, he wiped away his tears. He wasn't a little kid, he couldn't cry. If Dad were here to see him like this…but he wasn't here. He was dead, just like Mary, and God, but everyone was dying around him. Soon there would be no one left anywhere, and he would be completely and utterly alone.
He took in deep breaths, hoping to ease himself to sleep or something, but his eyes remained glued to the ceiling.
With all the masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store
Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out
So many masks, different identities, and Dean didn't know who he was anymore. He didn't recognize himself. Maybe Famine was right…maybe he really was dead inside already. He could barely face himself in the mirror, let alone in life. And so many fake names, fake personalities and identities…he couldn't tell where Dean the Fake Identity ended and where the real Dean began. Maybe there wasn't even a difference.
The storm is rolling in
The thunder's loud, it hurts my ears
I'm paying for my sins
And it's gonna rain for years and years
He had done a lot of bad things in his life, especially in Hell, but he'd tried to do what he could to make up for them. He wasn't sure he would ever forgive himself for all the people he couldn't save, though, and being so tired now was just making it all the worse. He felt like if he gave up, everyone would die. But then he figured, everyone was going to die anyway…why make it take even longer? And besides, everyone got their own version of Heaven…a twisted, non-real, replay version, but a Heaven nevertheless…
God, he wished he knew what to do…Because right now, he felt utterly lost.
Tears of frustration, exhaustion, and despair raced down his cheeks like trickles of rain, going down, down, down…
I've fooled everyone
Now what have I become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over
What had he become? All this pretending, fooling Sam and Cas and even fucking Bobby…He didn't know who he was. He was supposed to be Michael's sword, his vessel, the one to lead the world to victory, but he didn't feel righteous or victorious right now. He felt tired and defeated more than anything, especially since that trip to Heaven when those two idiots had killed him and Sam. God didn't give a flying fuck about what happened to them, was just letting his 'children' run wild and throw a damn Apocalypse. Things were out of control. Dean didn't know who he was, but when he looked in the mirror, he saw blurred lines of defeat, despair, and the part of him that still wanted to help people. It was all running together, all of his fake personalities, and he didn't know where his real one began.
If he could go back and try again…maybe he would have done things differently. Maybe things would have been better in the long run.
There must be something more
Do we know what we're fighting for?
Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out
There had to be something else they could, something else they could try…but honestly, Dean couldn't see anything even if there was…all he saw was a gaping hole of darkness eating at his future, at the future of the world. Why were they still fighting? "Why…?" he uttered aloud before he could stop himself.
"Because," came a gravelly voice that he certainly hadn't expected to hear, and he shot upright in his bed, rubbing furiously at his eyes as Cas sat down on the edge of his bed, looking tired as well. He hadn't even heard him come in.
"Thought you didn't have your mojo," Dean accused, swallowing.
"I don't have to have my 'mojo', as you say, to know what you are thinking," Castiel said matter-of-factly. Dean didn't question it like he thought he wanted to, was just suddenly touched by the thought that maybe, just maybe, someone did know. Maybe someone did know how thin he was wearing…how much he wanted all of this to just be over…maybe someone had actually managed to see through the mask.
"Because why?" Dean asked quietly once he found his voice again.
With all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store
Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out
"Because, Dean," Castiel said slowly, as though he were talking to a five-year-old, "you are special."
Dean blinked at him. "What the hell?"
"Don't doubt it. You are Michael's vessel, and it is not like he can take just anyone. You are special, Dean Winchester. You are special to a lot of people."
"Oh yeah?" Dean scoffed, taking a deep breath. "Like who, exactly?"
Because Sam had chosen Ruby, a damn demon, over him and that certainly didn't sound like he was special to Sam. And if Sam didn't care…
Then obviously no one did.
Sam's version of Heaven had been when he was away from his family, away from Dean. Sam didn't care about him. It wouldn't change how Dean felt about his brother, but still…it hurt. Very badly.
He felt tears well up in his eyes again but he shoved them back down, taking in deep breaths.
I've fooled everyone
Now what will I become?
I have to start this over
I have to start this over
"You are special to Sam," Castiel said quietly. The soft lilt of his voice made Dean lean forward to listen. "His Heaven may have come as a shock to you, Dean, but you only saw parts of it. Trust me, if you could have stuck around for all of his greatest hits, as you say, then you would have seen how much he cares, how much he cherishes your time together."
Dean was quiet for a long moment, trying to take all of this in. It was a lot. He wasn't sure why he believed Castiel…maybe it was just because he really, really wanted to, but maybe it was something else…because his insides felt all warm and that was distinctly un-Dean like…
Or maybe that was just another fake Dean making an appearance. He didn't know anymore, couldn't control his masks, what he had become…
There must be something more
Do we know what we're fighting for?
"You are special to Bobby as well," Cas continued, tearing Dean from his thoughts, thankfully. His locked his dark green eyes, shining with tears, on Castiel's intense blue gaze as the former-angel continued to speak. "He cares for you like you were his own son, Dean, and you know. A lot of people care about you, and if you would just look around, you'd see that easily enough." There was a small pause, a touch of hesitation, and Castiel continued as he averted his gaze. "And…I think you are special, too."
Dean frowned at him, confused.
"Not just because I raised you from Hell," Cas was quick to say, "but because…I have seen inside your soul. You have a good heart, Dean. I know you are tired now and are wondering why you are still fighting, who you are."
How Cas could know all of that, Dean had no idea.
"But it's worth it, Dean. It really is."
"What is?" Dean asked wearily.
Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out
With all these masks we wore
We never knew what we had in store
Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out
"Everything. Life," Cas told him. "If you give up now, then you're just throwing everything away, everything you stand for, who you really are."
Dean sighed heavily and glared at the ground. "I don't even know who I am anymore, Cas."
He wasn't sure why he was confiding in an angel of the Lord, but he was. It was better than Sam, anyway. He already knew his brother thought him weak and different, and if he brought any of this up with him…well, he knew it wouldn't go over well. He'd already tried saying yes once, after all, and that had been a non-stop battle. He was surprised Cas was even still talking to him after the way he'd banished him from that room and everything.
Castiel cocked his head to the side in that innocent, uncertain angel way of his. "You're Dean Winchester," he said as though it should have been completely obvious. "You're a hunter and you save people."
Dean paused. That was true, but… "I don't…feel…" He trailed off, unsure as to how to continue.
Castiel sighed heavily. "You save people, Dean. I know you're thinking you're…what? Not worth it? Not important to people? I know you're tired, Dean, I really do. I'm tired too. But we're in this together, right?"
Dean thought for a moment. "Team Free Will to the end," he declared with a small nod, his heart somewhat feeling lighter.
There must be something more
Breathe in breathe out, breathe in breathe out
"Good," Cas said with a small smile, an honest-to-God smile, and Dean found himself smiling back.
"Thanks, Cas," Dean said. "I needed that."
Castiel paused and watched him momentarily. Dean shifted a little under his gaze. Then slowly, Cas moved forward and pressed his lips to Dean's in a gentle, reassuring touch. It was the light feel of comfort and Dean happily leaned into it, registering vaguely that this was Cas, an angel albeit formerly, but he didn't care. All he knew was that he'd wanted comfort secretly, Castiel had seen, and here they were.
It felt wonderful. They pulled apart and Dean smiled at him all the more. His heart did feel lighter, and maybe Sammy was onto something with this whole 'talking' thing of his.
"You're special too, you know," Dean said quietly to Castiel. "To me, I mean."
Castiel smiled. "Thank you, Dean."
Maybe there really was something more.
There must be something more…
Sorry about the crappy way I did this...Sigh. And Sorry about not having commas between breathe in breathe out...I was going off the lyrics on the CD cover and it didn't have a comma between them, so...haha yeah. Anyway, sorry if this completely sucks! I'm very tired...sleeping pills and all...lol but yeah. Thanks for reading and please review!
~Muffy the Dough Slayer~