The Longest Night
November 30th. Year unknown.
I'm not sure how I got here. The last thing I remembered was lots of smoke, some metallic scent, a brilliant flash of light, and then, nothing.
I had thought I'd died and gone to Heaven.
Everything around me was white. The sheets, the walls, the curtains… But I do not think that they have needles in Heaven… or prescription bottles. So I am not in Heaven then.
I needed to know where I was. It is only natural, I guess, to want to know what is unknown. And the best way was to look around. I realize a split second after swinging my legs to the side, that it was a very, very bad idea.
I woke again, for the second time in… a few hours? I still had no idea where I am… was. I'm not sure if the room had changed, but there were colours now. There's red, and green… and an ominous black. There's purple, there's blue… It was as if I had walked into a rainbow. What's missing was yello-… Oh, there's yellow too, a flying yellow, in fact, with very, very sharp teeth.
The red and green, he reminds me of Christmas. I don't like Christmas. But he seems nice enough. He was asking if I am alright, the purple also asked the same question. I nodded and smiled. I'm not sure why I smiled though, it just seemed… natural. The black was looking at me as if I was a dog who rolled in mud and played in the rain. That too, seemed natural.
But…
"Who are you?"
And…
"Who am I?"
December 5th. Year unknown.
It's been five days since I woke to the colours of the rainbow, which was followed by torrents of tears from the purple one. She said she was called Lenalee Lee. Her name sounds familiar, or at least, that was what I told her. I did not want to be drenched in tears again. And that had appeased her, somewhat.
The Christmas one, he said he was called Lavi. Lavi what? He said he had no last name. For some reason, I find the title 'Bookman Junior' very fitting for him. I told him so. He looked troubled. Apprehensive. Then he smiled and I felt as if I've seen that smile before. He said it was good that I remembered something from the past. I wasn't too sure what he meant by that.
The black one… I'm not sure what to make of him. He called me a 'baka Moyashi'. I'm quite sure that was an insult, but I cannot explain why I felt calm, almost reassured. I concluded that it was because he was the only one who was not 'colourful'. He was black. Black is the rejection of all colours. I find that I liked that theory a lot. The colours were starting to hurt my eyes.
I saw myself in the mirror today.
I don't like the colour white.
December 10th. Year unknown.
I was let out of the sick bay a few days back. The yellow one had followed and stuck by me the whole way through. I felt a sense of kinship with the yellow one. The others told me his name was Timcampy. I wonder why it's a he though. He doesn't seem to be one of a certain gender. Regardless, I was thankful for the companionship.
I found out that the black one, his name was Kanda Yuu. Or just Kanda, if one wishes to live through an encounter with him. Volatile was perhaps, a mild term to apply to him. He captivated me, that angry grace, he would be a very worthy opponent should I ever feel the need to fight.
I don't think I will though. My left hand hurts every time I attempt to use it. I was still unable to 'invocate', according to the one named Komui. I was not sure what that meant, but it sounded dangerous. Perhaps it had something to do with the stabbing pain I feel every time I touch the strange cross on the top? I feel as if I am being torn in two every time I do that.
I told no one. I just smiled and said I was fine.
This is the first lie I've said since I've awaken. I have a feeling that I've been lying for a far longer period.
December 15th. Year unknown.
I've been taken to this place called 'Central'. Apparently, my circumstances may be cured. There was a way to retrieve my still absent memories. I do not know what they meant by experiments. Was the cure still in its testing stages? Was it safe to be used on me? There is a nagging feeling that tells me that it was far from safe. But I'm willing to try, after nearly two weeks of being trapped in that giant castle with nothing to do, I was ready to try any method to 'bring the old me back'.
Because I feel as if I had to do something, anything, that if I do not move forward… something bad will happen.
December 16th. Year unknown.
They weren't kidding when they said those sessions would hurt. Damn, it really did hurt. My arms feel like they have been roasted from inside, and my bones are coated with liquid fire, and my legs would crumple if I tried to put weight on it. My left arm was strangely numb, though if I concentrated, I could hear a soft hum resonating from within. Odd. It had never done that before. Perhaps the cure IS working after all?
December 17th. Year unknown.
I used a new swear word today. I've learned a lot from the black one, Kanda, during my two weeks back at the giant castle, I just never thought of using them, until now. They had put me in this giant tank, and forced some sort of light into me for nearly ten hours straight. I am perfectly justified in saying that it hurt like a bitch. I am unsure as to how a female dog has anything to do with pain, but it felt right in saying it. I must ask the Bookman Junior when I see him tomorrow.
Oh, didn't I mention? The Bookman and Bookman Junior (Bookmen?) were coming to visit tomorrow, for recording purposes.
I think Lavi's just finding some excuse to escape the library.
Hmm… Lavi means Lion in Hebrew. I've also read somewhere, a long time ago, that it meant 'Combined'. I think the latter suits this Lavi more.
December 18th. Year unknown
Lavi came by to greet me today. Apparently, I was being held a prisoner here. I questioned his statement, saying that I'm only here to regain my memories. He laughed, but it wasn't an uplifting sound, in fact, it sounded like he was straining not to cry. He said that I have fallen, that I am a Noah, and the Central wants to keep me under lock and key until my usefulness have run out, or if they can't keep me contained any longer. I wasn't sure what he meant by all that, so I simply nodded.
He looked like he was in pain, so I decided to ask him something else, how pain related to a female dog. He looked confused at first, so I repeated that statement about hurting like a female dog, and he laughed, really laughed this time, and said I was a funny Moyashi regardless what the world thought of me, and that my friends would really miss me if something happened.
I didn't really hear what he had to say after that. I liked that laugh. I smiled, and I think I kept smiling the whole time through.
I like hearing that laughter.
Maybe I'll be a clown when I finally leave this place.
December 19th. Year unknown.
I'm not sure what happened, but I think Lavi has been barred from visiting me. Maybe it's because of what he told me yesterday. For the first time, I notice these two people standing outside my door. They were dressed in huge, dark robes and they looked like they belonged to the black parade. I was starting to believe Lavi's words. Something deep inside me growled. I was sure it wasn't my stomach.
There were no tests today, no sessions, nothing. So I stared at my room for the remainder of the hours before night fall.
Black. White. Black. White. Black curtains. White bed. Black wardrobe. White walls. Black carpet. White window. Black door. White ceiling.
I was starting to detest the white. I think I'll ask for a room completely shrouded in black tomorrow.
December 20th. Year unknown.
They started the sessions early today. I can barely move at the moment. I think they actually took off my arm. How is that supposed to make me remember, I do not understand. My head started hurting though, so I guess it worked?
Or I may just be so good at delusions, I've deluded myself into thinking that.
At least they have given me that all black room I've requested for. No colours, just black. I think I saw a flash of purple by the window. Purple and green. I don't remember any bird with purple eyes, and green feathers. But it couldn't be any other, right? After all, I'm in the top floors of this building. No human should be able to get up here.
Right?
December 21st. Year unknown.
Guess I was wrong. Lenalee Lee. Yes, I remember her name now. She had flown by my window yesterday, and once more when I was asleep. She left something for me. A package. I do not know what it was. It had a note: Open when necessary. I guess… now wasn't a necessary yet. But I took it with me anyway, when they summoned me for a session. It was small enough to put in my pocket, and they never searched me.
I readied myself for another day of blinding pain. I just realized. They DID take off my arm. My left one.
No wonder it was so hard to dress this morning.
December 22nd. Year unknown.
I'm starting to get sick of all these. I've asked for my arm back, and this time, they forced another of those light things into me. I do not know what it was, but it made me snap. I don't know how, but one minute, I was trapped in that large tank, and the next, my left arm was back, I could feel it, deep inside me, throbbing in my very veins and washing away the pain and fatigue I've been feeling for the past few days.
Oddly enough, what felt like my left arm, was this large broadsword made of black and white. Again, these two accursed colours. I was starting to miss my rainbow… even if it blinded me. It made life more bearable.
They had thrown in something new today though. And for the first time, or maybe not the first time, but the first time since I've awaken, I saw the world in its true colours.
It was black and white.
December 23rd. Year unknown.
Lavi, Lenalee and Kanda were the ones I found outside my room today, instead of the usual guards. I don't know why, nor do I know of the reason for those blood-soaked clothes, but the resentment I had felt for those who bore the mark of the cross had grown to such proportion, I didn't realize it was me who attacked them, until an enraged 'baka Moyashi' resounded in my ears.
I never felt so lost in my life.
I do not know what to think any more. I do not know what to do. My head felt like it was splitting in two, and the memories of those sessions, subliminal messages that I hadn't notice were pulling my limbs and controlling my actions, making me dance like a puppet that I never was, or was I?
Something small fell from my pocket as I dodged the blade that came swinging towards my face. I froze, allowing the tip to nip my cheek, but I didn't care.
Open when necessary.
I dodged another swing, this time at my neck, and lost all interest in them. I could hear the screams that command me to attack, but I ignored it in favour of the package. I knelt, and dimly, I heard the voices of Lavi and Lenalee stopping the black one, they were fools, for as much as I am gratified for their actions that ultimately saved my life, they were still fools. I was dangerous, didn't they know that? I guess not.
But right now, I was more interested in the package. I didn't realize I was trembling, until I picked the box up, and failed to open it. Frustrated, I sliced through the flimsy material with my nails, and a blob of yellow fell into my hands, a row of sharp, pointy teeth leering at me.
Stupid apprentice, if you're listening to this, that means that I'm no longer around, and the Musician has awakened…
Who was this voice? I heard a gasp behind me, a feminine one, but I ignored it. I nodded at Timcampy, even though I knew not the reason for that, and suddenly, my mind was filled with images not of my own, my eyes bombarded with all sorts of information.
A child on the streets, alone, knees pulled up to his chest, a large mitten hiding one hand.
The child, now older, following a man in a top hat, stumbling, but never stopping. Keep moving forward… A circus, a dog, a clown, a smaller clown, tears, loss, love… A graveyard, a tomb, a large grin, an umbrella, a skeleton, a curse, a blessing… Mana. The child, hair now white, face scarred, approached by a stranger, taught by the stranger, abused, perhaps… Running, hiding, fighting, learning, losing, crying, smiling… Keep walking forward… A giant castle, a supervisor, a swordsman, a flying girl, a bookman junior, a vampire, a timekeeper, a life of colours… A life of colours, and a path of monochrome.
"My right hand for humans, and my left hand for Akuma."
I didn't realize I was crying by now, clutching my head and weeping until my eyes hurt. I no longer know which set of memories are real, and which aren't. I no longer know if I am awake, or if I am trapped in a never ending nightmare. I don't know if the three before me are real, or if they were simple figment of my imagination. I no longer know which is black, and which is white.
Did I dream all these?
I know not but the darkness that stole my thoughts.
December 24th. Year unknown.
Déjà vu.
That's what I felt, as I opened my eyes to a sea of whiteness once again. The sheets were white. The walls were white. The curtains were white.
Everything felt like it has never happened before.
Sitting up, slowly, I looked around for some signs of recognition. I found dark eyes glaring at me before disappearing, and I don't know for certain, but I think I'm smiling.
I found the yellow blob on my pillow, I think it was sleeping, but I needed to know, so I risked my fingers and prodded it awake. It bared its fangs at me, but complied regardless.
As images filled my vision once more, I witnessed my capture, three years back, while battling alongside my comrades against an abnormal swarm of Akuma, only to realize it was a trap, and that I was the target. We realized it far too late, I was taken, Timcampy had came along for the ride, I do not know how, but he did. I was thankful for that.
I was shown scenes of those sessions, and I felt the scars across my forehead. This time, I was not held back by illusions and hallucinations. I saw the sessions for what they truly were. Yes, they were meant to awaken my memories, my memories as a Noah. They were meant to recreate me as a Destroyer, a true Destroyer, one that will destroy the world. The many times I thought I fought Akuma, and released their pitiful souls, I was fighting Exorcists, my ex-comrades. But it seems, I've never actually finished a fight. I recognized those as times when I've fainted during those 'sessions'.
Lavi had came in then, I noticed he looked far older than what had been but a few days ago when he 'visited' me, apparently, that was merely a hallucination of mine. Lavi filled in the blanks from their side of the story. I was labelled as a heretic, and was sentenced to death on sight. But the repeated times when I had aided the Exorcists instead of killing them, changed the Grand Generals' views, much to certain parties' displeasure. So the new task given, was to bring me home.
I don't know if I should be touched or not. I told Lavi that. And I told him what had transpired during our 'hallucinated' conversation. He looked troubled. He said he had a dream where he had conversed with me about the Order merely using me as a tool, using all of us as tools.
I wondered if it was coincidence, but decided not to dwell on it.
Lavi had also said that many teams were sent to retrieve me, but none had succeeded. At least three Exorcists were killed in the mission, and several more severely injured. Their team had been the last to be sent, and if they had failed, they would have called the Operation off.
They still don't know why they succeeded that day, Lavi said it was luck, I felt the tell tale signs of someone pulling the strings of my life.
At least, the red head had said, I was back in time for Christmas.
I hate Christmas.
December 25th. Year unknown.
I was hiding on the roof. They were celebrating downstairs. I traced the scars on my forehead again, and sighed. Timcampy was snoozing on my head, forcing me to look down. He was much fatter than I remembered. And he weighed quite a bit.
I sighed, examining my nails, the one on my left arm. If I squinted, I could pretend that I was wearing a black glove, instead of it being my real arm. The hint of red among black made it look like stale blood. I made a face.
Just a few hours ago, Komui, Lenalee, Lavi, Kanda (I think) and all the other people whose names now no longer resonate in my memory, had came to wish me happy birthday. They called me Allen, and for a moment, I wondered who they were addressing.
I'm not sure Allen even exists anymore, but I didn't tell them that. I just smiled and thanked them. I argued a bit with Kanda, narrowly avoided being crucified for having to fulfil a Christmas tradition and kiss Lenalee under a mistletoe, unfortunately failing to avoid another mashing of lips when a certain soon to be dead Bookman Junior pushed me against Kanda, and somehow managed to escape in one piece to the roof top.
So here I am now, 19 years old, still alive, barely, still fighting, still being used, still a tool, still in a war.
Still me? Hardly.
I stood, running a hand through now wavy white locks. Grey skin, I decided, looked far better with black than pale white. I didn't have to look into a mirror to know that Timcampy now matches my eyes.
Allen Walker… Allen Walker no longer exists. Neither, I mused, does the Musician. A door opened before me, a simple door, decorated with a clown that bears the weight of a chained chest on its back, smiling as it walked.
I've always wanted to be a clown.
I pushed the door open, pausing for a while, pondering my parting phrase, before realizing that no one will know about it anyway, so I settled for the simplest.
"Good night."
Author's Note: I realize that I have been a very, very irresponsible person. I left my other piece hanging and just disappeared on all of you, for that, I apologize. I've been bombarded with several obstacles in the last two months, including exams, my laptop breaking down, my muse dying, but it doesn't give me the rights to be so irresponsible. I understand and I humbly apologize. That said, I bid all of you Merry Christmas. Yes, I'll be continuing 'Existo'. It's by far my most favourite fanfiction so I'm not planning on abandoning it again. The guilt is too much to bear.