Sam had never really gotten the point of dating apps, to be honest. No one represented themselves honestly, you had to pay to use some of them, and most people seemed to use it primarily to hook up, something he'd never been interested in. They were just a scaled-down version of dating sites, which were a natural progression from dating services, which had in turn descended from the village matchmaker. All tying back to the outdated idea that everybody needed a mate.
None of it was for Sam. Especially not with his...unique condition.
In his opinion, the worst one out there was Fluttr. He'd actually laughed out loud, without any real humor, the first time he'd seen an ad for it. An app that matched people based not only on their own personal traits, but on their angels, too. They couldn't have designed anything less suited for him if they'd tried
That was why he was so skeptical when Charlie came to him, pitching the idea of making a Fluttr account
"You're kidding, right?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "I'm not gonna 'match' or 'click' or whatever it's called with anyone on there. They'll take one look at my profile, see my angel, and swipe left as hard as they possibly can." He reached for the soda sitting on his desk, next to his slice of cold pizza, and took a sip. Ruby had suggested he go for something harder when he bought it, but he'd ignored her. "Hell, I'm not sure they'd even let me make a profile with his name in it." He gestured aggressively at his right shoulder with his free hand. "They'd think it was a bad joke. I'd probably have to get the FBI to send them that file they've got on me so they'd make an exception, and I just don't really feel like doing that."
"No, no, no, no." Charlie shook her head emphatically. "Fluttr's changed their entire setup. You don't have to put your angel's name in anymore."
"You know," Lucifer commented from Sam's right shoulder, "there are plenty of people out there who'd be thrilled to be my bearer." Legs no bigger than fingers swung back and forth, tiny heels drumming out a rhythm on Sam's chest. It somehow brought to mind the insistent dripping of a leaky faucet at one in the morning, when everything else was dead quiet.
Nobody I'd wanna meet, Sam thought, pushing memories of bad experiences out of his mind. Out loud, he asked Charlie, "Doesn't that kill, like...their whole gimmick, though?"
"Well, I guess." Charlie shrugged. "But it's still the biggest dating app out there. Tons of settings. Preferences, area, interests, political beliefs, even. And I went into their databases to take a look at the guts - "
"My doing." Charlie's demon, Meg, spoke up, raising an index finger where she was sprawled on Charlie's left shoulder.
" - and their code's pretty decent," Charlie continued as if she hadn't been interrupted. "Good algorithm. Very good security." She paused. "I mean, I got in, but probably most other people couldn't."
"Okay," Sam said, "so I don't have to put my angel on there. But isn't the whole point of this thing that you eventually meet up in person? Doesn't matter if they liked my picture or enjoyed chatting with me. It's game over at the first date. Everybody knows him." He pointed. "And even if, by some miracle, they don't recognize him, their angel definitely will."
"Fame's a blessing and a curse," Lucifer agreed sagely.
"C'mon," Meg complained to Charlie. "You tried, and he's too busy stewing in his own juices to listen. As usual. You only get one hour for lunch. Let's get out of here and go grab a cheesesteak at that place downtown you like."
Sam liked Meg, actually. Much more than he liked Ruby. Unfortunately trading - angels or demons - wasn't exactly an option.
"No," Charlie's angel countered, glaring at Meg around her neck. She was also a redhead, and Charlie had introduced her as Anna a couple years ago. Sam didn't know if that was short for anything or not. "Give him the rest of the argument we came up with. Then go get a salad from the building's cafeteria. Where we get a discount."
"Yeah, gonna go with Anna on this one." Charlie grabbed a cardboard carton full of legal books, just delivered that morning from the library, dragged it over in front of Sam, and took a seat. "I've known you for a couple years now."
"She only sticks around because she feels sorry for you," Ruby said.
"Oh, absolutely not!" scolded Lucifer. "She only sticks around because she thinks you're - or really, I'm - interesting."
"That's not true," Charlie stated. She was the only one at the firm, or in the entire building, who talked to Sam even when she hadn't exhausted all her other options, though. Granted, his novelty seemed to have worn off. Nobody called the police when he walked into the building anymore, or any of the buildings surrounding it. There hadn't been a complaint about his presence to HR in months, or a threat to get the senior partner who'd hired him canned. But he could still tell that no one besides Charlie liked him working there. "Anyway. I've known you for a couple years now, and in that whole time, your schedule hasn't changed. You work. You bring your lunch from home and eat in your office. You go to school. You go straight home to your apartment, and then you just stay there. I know you told me you run, but other than that, you don't go out. You don't even drink!"
"Not that you see," Ruby said, a smirk clear in her voice. Sam and Charlie both ignored her.
"Yeah," Sam agreed, "my life's pathetic. Not sure what other choice I have, though." He heard Lucifer suck in an eager breath, and hurried to talk over him. "What's your point?"
"Don't you want something more out of life?" Charlie pressed him. "Wouldn't it be nice to meet someone? Even if it doesn't last. I think you're missing out on a lot by just assuming that everyone is gonna be put off by the fact that your angel's...well..."
"The Devil?" Sam supplied.
"Satan." Lucifer jumped in helpfully. "The Adversary. The Father of Lies. The Beast. The Prince of Darkness. The Morning Star. The Deceiver. The Serpent. The - "
"Shut up," Sam snapped, turning to glare at him. He actually obeyed, which was a minor miracle. To Charlie, he very skeptically asked, "You really think there's anyone out there who's not gonna be afraid of him?"
"I'm not," Charlie pointed out proudly.
"You should be," Meg told her.
"You reached out and pushed past all your misgivings, which is great," Anna began encouragingly. "But I do still agree with Meg on this one."
"Told you," Sam said to Charlie, raising both eyebrows. "If they don't decide to cut and run on their own as soon as they get one look at me, their angel will tell them to. And everyone's supposed to listen to their angel, aren't they? That's what they teach us in school."
A snort from his right shoulder. "Guess you must've missed that day."
"Sam." Charlie put her elbows on her knees and steepled her fingers in front of her face. "If you let me help you make a Fluttr account, then I will owe you one whole favor." Her angel and demon immediately weighed in on that, Anna against it and Meg all for it, but she just kept talking as soon as they were done. "Anything you want. No limits, and redeemable at any time."
That gave Sam pause, and he sat back in his desk chair, thinking. Charlie was the firm's IT specialist. So much of what they did was computerized now that she was always in high demand, and it'd be great to have her come directly to his office the next time he had a problem. Which would be the most boring way possible to cash in on the favor she was offering. Beyond that, she was an insanely talented hacker and had a gift for coding, far surpassing Sam's own modest skills.
"Take it," Ruby advised.
"You know how I feel about demons, but I agree with her," Lucifer said. "Take the offer. This way, not only have you got a chance of finally meeting someone who'll appreciate me, but you can also sneak a peek at all the dirt the FBI's got on the two of us." There was a rustling of feathers as he shrugged. "Or any other fine, upstanding law enforcement agency in the entire world. Everyone's always so interested in my bearer, especially these days."
"I can do that," Charlie agreed. "If you really want me to."
"Probably not," Sam said. He didn't want to draw any more attention to himself than necessary. As soon as he'd said it, though, teeth the size of grains of sand sank into his earlobe. It was just a nip, and barely even hurt (especially considering his right earlobe was mostly scar tissue by now), but Sam grunted softly and reached for the squirt bottle on the edge of his desk anyway. Lucifer let go as soon as he picked it up, the liquid sloshing inside thicker than water. "Yeah, I thought so."
"Squirt him anyway," Ruby urged. Lucifer spat, probably misting the side of Sam's neck with the tiniest amount of blood.
"Don't make me come over there," he warned, and Sam felt Ruby shrink towards the far side of his left shoulder.
"I'm sorry!" she squeaked. "It's my job!"
"Fine," Sam told Charlie before things could escalate any further. "Make me a Fluttr account. I will be calling in that favor eventually, though."
"Yes!" Charlie pumped her fist enthusiastically, then held her hand out. "All right, give me your phone."
Reluctantly, Sam handed it over. It wasn't locked, so Charlie immediately woke it up and started tapping expertly on the screen.
"Ugh, why d'you have so little memory left on here?" she complained. "Oh. Your storage is full of books. You know you can just put those in the cloud, right?" Before Sam could reply, she swiped at something. "There we go. That freed up some space. Now let me just..." She trailed off then, after a couple of taps, gave Sam a wide smile. "There we go! Fluttr's officially installed. Now we make an account." She returned her attention to the phone. "Name: Sam Winchester. Age: Twenty-five. Job: Paralegal, going to law school."
"Are you actually gonna let me fill any of this out?" Sam asked. Lucifer whispered something about slamming Charlie's head against the corner of his desk and taking his phone back, but Sam tuned him out.
"In a minute," Charlie replied, then said, "Preference." She paused before looking up at Sam again. "Well, you've got one of each, but your angel is male, so..."
"Yeah," Sam agreed. "Just put guys." He didn't plan on spending any more time on this stupid app than he absolutely had to, but when he did go in, he didn't want to be overwhelmed. He expected men seeking men to be a relatively small pool, even in Palo Alto.
"Right." Charlie tapped, then scrolled. "Okay, sections for info about your angel and your demon, but those are optional, so I'm just gonna disable them...ooh! Picture!" She pressed something, then lifted Sam's phone so the back was aimed at him. The little light next to the camera was on. "Okay, smile!"
"What?" Sam blinked, automatically leaning back in his chair even though he knew that wouldn't get him out of the shot. "You're gonna take one now?"
"Of course!" Charlie chirped. "You look fine." Both Anna and Meg moved to whisper into her ears, and she frowned a little, lowering the phone. "I mean, besides those bags under your eyes. Has he been keeping you up again?"
"It's not like it's my fault," Lucifer complained. "If he just did what I tell him to, I wouldn't have to bother him about it all night."
"I'll take a picture myself later," Sam told Charlie. "The light's no good in here, anyway. There's no windows."
"I don't believe you," Charlie stated. "And I've been to your apartment, remember? The light's no good in there, either." She raised the phone again. "Plus, here, you're in your natural environment. At your desk, surrounded by law books. So just smile."
Sam sighed, figuring he could always go in and upload a better picture later. He settled himself comfortably in his chair, forced a smile onto his face, and watched Charlie line up the shot. Right before she tapped the screen to take a picture, something occurred to him. "Wait - " He reached up and snatched Lucifer off his shoulder. The angel squawked indignantly, then immediately chomped into Sam's finger. Sam ignored that, along with Ruby's gasp, and the way Lucifer's feathers were pricking his palm. The slender bones in his wings shifted as Sam squeezed him tightly enough to keep him from escaping, but he knew it'd take a lot more than that to hurt him. He held him out of the frame. "Okay. Go."
Charlie snapped a picture, then held the phone out towards Sam for his inspection. He guessed it was okay. He looked awkward, but at least his hair was nice. Ruby had both hands over her mouth and was staring down at Lucifer, who wasn't visible, but hopefully people would be focusing on Sam and not her. With his approval, Charlie uploaded the photo, and he let go of Lucifer, who flapped back up to his shoulder. Sam looked at him as he huffed loudly, shook his wings out (dislodging a blizzard of tiny feathers), then began preening himself with exaggerated movements.
"You're such a douchebag, Sam," he accused. "I wasn't even gonna do anything. D'you have any idea how long it's gonna take me to fix my wings?"
"Why bother?" Sam replied. "They're gonna look terrible no matter what you do."
Lucifer raised his eyes from his wings, glaring at him. "Low blow," he stated. "You want me to start picking on that ridiculous mane of yours? 'Cause I've got years' worth of material there, just lined up and ready to go."
"So," Charlie interjected, handing Sam's phone back to him, "all that's left are your interests and your bio, and I figure you can handle those on your own. I've gotta go get something to eat." She pushed herself up off the box and turned to leave his office, but then suddenly whirled around and jabbed an index finger at him. Anna and Meg both grabbed onto her hair to keep from losing their balance. "Promise me you're actually gonna use the app."
"The deal was only to make an account," Ruby pointed out. "She didn't say anything about using it. You don't have to."
"What? No!" Lucifer looked up sharply from his wings again. "You've gotta use it! It'll be so much fun!"
"Fine," Sam told Charlie. "I promise I'll use it, though I doubt I'll wind up going on any actual dates."
"All I ask is that you give it a try," Charlie replied, raising both hands and backing off. "But I'm gonna check with you this weekend to see how it's going."
"Great," Sam said as unenthusiastically as he could manage. Charlie gave him a thumbs-up and a smile, then left, closing his door behind her.
"Finish filling out your profile," Lucifer said immediately. "Do it now."
"No, wait out your lunch first," Ruby argued. "Then finish filling out your profile. Make the firm pay you to play on your phone."
"I think I'd actually rather get paid to look up precedents for this assault case we're working on," Sam replied, putting his phone to sleep and setting it aside for the moment. "Y'know. My job?"
Ruby scoffed and Lucifer snorted. Sam ignored them both as he faced his desk again and pulled his pizza towards himself, hoping he could finish it in the few minutes he had left on his break. Before he could even pick it up, though, there was a rustle from his right shoulder, and a miniature flurry of blackened, damaged feathers drifted down, blanketing the veggies and cheese like the world's nastiest replacement for Parmesan.
"Oops," Lucifer said, sounding smug as Sam stared down at the plate in dismay.
He wanted to ask how Lucifer even had that many feathers left to shed, but instead, he just shook his head and slid the pizza into the wastebasket next to his desk. Then he reached for his noise-cancelling headphones, sitting beside his computer and taken off when Charlie entered.
Might as well get back to work early. It was a Friday, anyway.