His face in the mirror. The skin that´s usually tanned and naturally healthy is paled by countless sleepless nights, the blue eyes looking back at him clear and empty like those of a porcelain doll. He would have thought he looked horrible if he´d ever thought any higher of his looks before.
"Turn him over a candle is lit I see through him, blow it out and save all his ashes for me"
He looks into the mirror once more before taking the shiny metal in his hand, pressing it to his wrist that is muscular from a whole life of exercise.
"I never thought I´d do this to myself" he thinks as he the red drop hits the blade, making a beautiful contrast to his now snow white skin.
But like he´s thought so many times before there´s a lot of things he thought he´d never do.
The, sharp blade against his wrist is distracting somehow like exercising and fighting used to be before (the time when that was still enough).
"As if the blood pouring out your veins would ever make up for the blood you´ve spilled in your life time", the old familiar voice says like so many times before.
The voice has been part of his life for so long now that he hardly notices it anymore, as well as the beautiful red stream pouring down his skin and the pale face in the mirror.
He looks at his watch noticing he has to go if he wants to be in time. Now it´s more important then ever to be in time!
He looks at his wrist, puts a bandage around it and leaves the bathroom. Years of training in the military has taught him how to avoid deeper injuries and how to stop the blood flow in the best way possible.
_._
-Hi there! the man with the spiky, black hair walks towards the taller, muscular built man throwing his arms around him. . They hold each other a long time, their lips pressing together in a lingering kiss.
-So how´ve you been? the shorter man asks.
-Fine thanks! the taller man shrugs his shoulders, you?
-Can´t complain, the other man gives a half smile, are the tranquilizers doing their job?
-They are, the other man nodes, but I need some more.
"Curse me sold him, the poison it runs it course through his pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over"
-Seriously, Bayman? the shorter man raises a eyebrow, how many have you been taking?
The taller man is quiet for a while.
-Lee, he says, I need them.
The two men look at each other a long time before Jann Lee finally gives a deep sigh.
-You should really take it easy with those, he says, they´re strong! he hands over the pack to Bayman, but don´t overdo it, okey?
-Thank you! Bayman give a smile, his face softening.
It turns silent for a while before the two men falls into another lingering embrace. This is almost the only way these to communicate but yet it says more then any words in the world.
-Damn I´ve missed you! Jann Lee whispers as he draws his hand through Baymans, short black hair.
Bayman sighs when remembering where he´s actually been the last nights. The agonized screams of his parents as they get shot in the back when trying to reach him, the blood on his blade during his first mission and the pain in both body and soul at the orphanage caused by those who´s sworn to protect him.
-You wouldn´t believe me, he says giving a small smile, his eyes reviling the years his smooth skin´s never reviled.
-Come on in! Jann Lee says.
"Watch me fault him, you´re living it like a disaster. He said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over".
-It´s all well, Bayman says as they both sit in Jann Lee´s couch, not much is happening comparing to well… the DOA-tournament, he gives a half smile, but it´s decent money.
-Good to hear, Jann Lee says, so you think there´s a life after this? his eyes lingers on Bayman.
Bayman thinks about the question for a while.
-I think there is, he says, for some of us.
They sit with their arms around each other, their thighs touching. As Bayman feels Jann Lee´s warm body against his the nightmares from last night almost disappears. Jann Lee, the only person in the world that is actually worth talking to.
-Geez! Jann Lee chuckles, I´ve never pegged you for a waiter!
-Me neither, Bayman smiles.
And it´s true! Bayman´s actually never pegged himself for anything, not even a actual person. But that´s something he´ll never tell Jann Lee.
-Hell! Jann Lee exclaims as he first now notices the bandage on Bayman´s arm, what have you done there, Bayman?
-Nothing, Bayman says, I just slipped with the kitchen knife.
Jann Lee looks at him for a while without saying anything.
-Be careful next time, okey! he says, finally letting go of Bayman with his eyes.
-I will, Bayman promises knowing well there won´t be a "next time".
-Is it really true, you´re fine? Jann Lee looks deep into Baymans eyes again, Because I´m here if you want to talk!
"You wouldn´t understand" Bayman thinks to himself "and that´s nothing I wish for you either. I don´t wish that hell for anyone".
-Thank you, Bayman says softly, but it´s all just fine.
-Good, Jann Lee smiles back.
"Asked him over and asked him if he was improving. He said feels fine it´s wonderful, wonderful here"
-I wonder what the other contestants are doing? Jann Lee says after another moment of silence.
-I don´t know, Bayman looks out of the window, I guess it´s hard to do something different then what you´ve always done.
Yes! Bayman knows Jann Lee understands what he´s talking about better then anyone. Jann Lee´s lived on the streets throughout his child hood when fighting was part of his every day life. The kung fu fighter´s even said many times over that fighting and risking his life´s been part of his day for so long now that he doesn´t really know how to deal without it and now with the DOA-tournament gone for all future…
-I don´t think Tina will have a hard time though, Jann Lee says.
They both laugh.
-Yeah! Bayman says, I think she´ll manage.
The fourth tournament DOATEC was burnt to the ground and its manager Victor Donovan killed so it´s hardly possible the DOA-tournament will ever start again.
Not that Bayman minds though, the tournament was only a way for him to take revenge on Donovan and now that his former client´s dead (not by Bayman´s own hand though) it all seems pretty meaningless.
-So I heard that old rival of yours, Leon, Jann Lee starts, is going back to the desert again.
"Hex me told I dreamt of a devil that knew his pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over"
-Yes, Leon, Bayman nodes when remembering the only mission he´s failed safe for Victor Donovan, a mission that almost cost him his life.
-What a surprise, Bayman says, some of his old sarcasm returning to him.
He has admired Leon ever since that night when Bayman almost left this world. Leon was the symbol for immense strength, the one thing in this world that was always constant, the one thing that was always the same in a world where everything seemed to slip out of Baymans hands.
That man seemed to have all the qualities Bayman´d always admired strength, courage, stability. Yes, a symbol of the complete and the unreachable. Bayman´s never been able to kill him, have him or even be him.
"I never was strong" Bayman thinks to himself "but soon that won´t matter anymore".
-Sometimes one wonders if he is a reincarnation of that guy from "the mumy" Imothep or whatever his face! Bayman says calmly.
Yes! The time when Leon was the only thing on his mind has long ago passed. Leon was a ideal, a vision that was almost as fleeting as the sand in the desert that man loved so.
-Yeah! Jann Lee chuckles, sometimes one wonders!
"Damn that smile" Bayman thinks as he looks at the other man. Jann Lee is one of those rare few people that can actually smile with his eyes. He doesn´t do it remarkably often but once he does the smile really comes from his heart.
When it comes to love Bayman´s never been that fortunate nor with people nor places. One might even say loving´s something he doesn´t do. But Jann Lee however is not hard to love…
The other man´s so simple but still the most soulful individual Bayman´s ever met. There´s not a ounce of falseness, evil or ill will in the kung fu figher. When Jann Lee speaks the truth is always the truth and nothing else.
-I´m really happy I gave you a chance, Bayman says all of a sudden, that I didn´t just turn your offer down and pass you by that time at the air-port when you asked me if I wanted to stay at your place for a while.
Jann Lee´s eyes widens before he once again gives a broad grin.
-I´m guessing the assassin-profession has it´s advantages, he says, but seriously… how long did you think youd be able to go on without getting laid?
-That´s what I´m talking about! Bayman smiles back at him, you´re taking everything so easy. You could talk about the end of the world and say things like "seriously, you didn´t expect it to stand that long did you?".
-Yeah! I´m sorry, Jann Lee says, I should take things more seriously!
-No! Bayman protests, whatever you do don´t start taking things more seriously! Do you hear? Not ever!
Jann Lee looks at Bayman for a long time as if though he´s looking for a hidden message in his eyes.
-Bayman, he says, you do know you can tell me anything, right?
-I know, Bayman grabs hold of Jann Lee´s hands squeezing them hard, and I love you for that. Listen! he looks his lover deep into the eyes, can you promise me to always remain the same positive, empathic, love able person I´ve always know?
-Sure, Jann Lee says, but what is with you today? It´s not like you to be so…
-Emotional? Bayman says, I know and I´m sorry for not telling you enough how much you mean to me. I´m really glad I met you in the airport that day, he says softly, because otherwise I´d never know what living really feels like.
-Bayman, please! Jann Lee exclaims, you don´t need to tell me that! I know just like you know.
Bayman nodes. What Jann Lee says is true. These two don´t need words to express their affection towards one another, it´s just always been there.
-You should know anyway Jann Lee, Bayman says, that you mean the world to me and always will!
-You mean the world to me to, Bayman, Jann Lee says, his eyes showing nothing but truthfulness.
"I really shouldn´t mean the world to you" Bayman thinks to himself "you have so much more to see, so much more to experience. As for me I never was for this world".
-Thank you, Bayman says softly, thanks for everything!
-That´s nothing to thank me for, Jann Lee protests, I love you! And believe me! Loving you is easier then you think.
-I don´t know where I´d be without you, Bayman says feeling the tears pour down his cheeks.
-Darling, Jann Lee whispers squeezing his hands.
Bayman crushes Jann Lee against his chest, pressing his lips to his spiky hair. They kiss again, this time more intense then at the door. When they finally separate Bayman takes Jann Lee´s face into his hands looking into his eyes.
-Thanks for seeing me today, he says, you really are the sweetest soul I´ve ever known.
-I enjoy seeing you, Jann Lee frowns, why are you saying things like that?
-I´m just happy knowing you, Bayman smiles meaning what he´s saying more then ever, I have to go now. Take care! he walks toward the door.
"Yes" he thinks "it´s about time I went my way".
-Are you leaving already? Jann Lee looks wide eyed at him.
-Yes, Bayman says, I have to.
-Okey! Jann Lee follows him to the door, but are you sure you´ll be okey!
-Please! Bayman smiles again, you worry about me to much! I´ve never felt better!
-Stay in touch! Jann Lee raises a warning finger, promise me that!
-I promise, Bayman assures him knowing this is a promise that he intends to keep.
After that they embrace again, Bayman kissing and holding his lover like he´s never done before.
-Goodbye, Bayman says softly before taking a long look at Jann Lee painting his face in his memory.
-I´ll call you! Jann Lee calls out as Bayman turns around leaving the apartment.
"Watch me fault him you´re living it like a disaster, he said kill me faster with strawberry gashes, all over, all over me".
_._
Once Bayman gets home again he takes a long look into the mirror.
The face that he sees is different from the one that he saw before leaving the house this morning. The eyes that were empty and expressionless are filled with determination and the snow white face filled with a sudden peace.
If there´s one thing he´s learnt in life is that one always feels better when taking a decision and like that time twenty years ago in Russia when the only ones he cared about were taken away from him he´s decided not to feel this pain again.
"Jann Lee loves me", he thinks to himself "but how can one love someone who´s apparently unable to care about anything".
Bayman´s never loved himself, in fact he loves even the things he hates most in the world more then himself.
He closes his eyes remembering what the nurses used to say about him in the orphanage.
-What should we do with that boy? He´s incapable of following rules and he cries whenever one reminds him of it. Who will ever be able to love a such a child?
-Yes! I wonder if he´s retarded. He seems to be such a weak existens. He has to be the dumbest child I´ve ever met, he can´t even spell his own name.
"Yes, I was always weak" Bayman thinks " the only thing that I was every any good at was taking lives and in the end I couldn´t even do that".
"Doesn´t have the qualifications, useless, incomplete, unnecessary, no longer needed, a pathetic existence, without a purpose" the list of everything Bayman´s ever been called seems never ending and he can´t even remember wich ones he´s actually been called by others or wich ones he´s made up for himself. But the one he remembers the most is still "unloveable".
-I´ve tried to make him read the bible, he hears the nurse say once again, but everything he ever says is that the letters comes together in a blur and that he can´t see what is what on the pages. I don´t understand that boy, he makes up whatever lies he can not to take the consequences of his actions. He´s a bad child! No family´s ever going to take him!
And Bayman hadn´t stayed in the orphanage long enough to find out.
"The only time I was actually worth something was when causing damage and now I have to pay for it every night" he thinks when seeing the circles under his eyes.
"Jann Lee said the tranquilizers were strong didn´t he?" he thinks to himself. Bayman´s going to have a sleep that he hasn´t had in a long time but first he has to keep the promise he gave the only person that means something to him. He´ll stay in touch wich Jann Lee and this time he´ll make sure to spell everything right!
_._
As Jann Lee runs toward Bayman´s apartment there´s only one thing on his mind "Bayman shouldn´t be alone".
When he stops outside the door, ringing the door-bell he can´t hear a sound from the other side of the door. Usually Bayman always calls out, saying "the door is open" or "I´m coming" but not even the other mans footsteps are heard.
"Maybe he´s not at home" Jann Lee hopes since that´d make the other thought in his head way less probable. But as Jann Lee presses the door handle he feels cold down his spine. Bayman´d never leave his apartment without locking the door.
Jann Lee takes a deep breath before going inside.
-Bayman, he calls out as he enters the hall, Bayman!
It´s so quiet he can hear his own heartbeats and his blood´s pumping so loud he´s going to get a heart-attack. He forces himself to enter the living-room, he wants to know after all.
Once he gets there Jann Lee freezes.
Bayman´s never looked that peaceful neither awake nor asleep. He ´s so beautiful where he lies on the couch, those filled lips finally giving a smile that doesn´t witness of tiredness or melancholy, those fair features finally laid to rest. For once in a long time Bayman actually looks alive!
But as Jann Lee rushes to his lovers side, shaking him violently he gets no response. Bayman lies there as motionless as when Jann Lee entered the room.
-Wake up! Jann Lee yells, wake up damn it, Bayman!
Even though Jann Lee knows it doesn´t serve to any good he keeps shaking that beloved body, keeps telling Bayman to "wake up".
-Damn it, Bayman! the tears starts streaming down Jann Lee´s cheeks, don´t go yet! Bayman listen to me! I love you!
He grabs hold of the hand that only hours ago squeezed his own with warmth and power.
-Oh my love, Jann Lee sobs as he buries his face in the now ice cold palm, oh my love.
He looks down at the floor suddenly noticing the empty package with tranquilizers.
-Damn it! Jann Lee exclaims, Jann Lee you´re the worlds biggest fool! Why did you give them to him?
He buries his face into Bayman´s chest sobbing "sorry, sorry".
"I lay crying waiting for his voice to say, some things you loose and some things you just give away.
Curse me failed him if only I´d held on tighter to his pale white skin that twisted and drifted away from me, away from me"
-Why couldn´t you have let me come with you? Jann Lee whispers.
He looks down at the package on the floor, picks it up in his hand, digging desperately for remaining pills.
-Why did you have to take everything? He cries, why couldn´t you have left some for me?
"Watch me loose him, it´s almost like loosing myself. Give him my soul and let them take somebody else, get away from me".
"Watch me fault him you´re living it like a disaster, he said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over, all over me".
Jann Lee shouts and cries til there´s no tears left before finally lying down on the couch next to Bayman, wrapping his arms around him exactly like that night almost six months ago when Bayman first came to his apartment.
He still remembers that warm skin against his, the heart in Bayman´s chest still beating. It hadn´t been planned, only the result of two souls desperately yearning for warmth but nonetheless it was no mistake, definitely not a mistake.
-You never were a mistake, Jann Lee whispers against Bayman´s smooth cheek, I wish you´d only believed in that.
With those words he closes his eyes dreaming about the time he and the love of his young life were still in the same world.
_._
Months has passed since the dreadful night but still it feels as if though it was only yesterday Bayman sat in Jann Lee´s couch talking about life.
Though Jann Lee had started seeing the signs long before the event the kung fu fighter doesn´t even want to be reminded of, he never wanted to believe in them. Never wanted to believe Bayman´d do such a thing to himself!
Jann Lee´s been sleeping almost as little as Bayman did the last years of his life since the crying seems to wake him up every night. But he has stopped asking himself why now.
Why did Bayman take all those pills? Why did Bayman not tell Jann Lee how he really felt? And most importantly, why did Bayman not realize how valuable he was?
Finally Jann Lee realizes it´s meaningless to even ask himself these questions. It doesn´t bring Bayman back and it doesn´t make Jann Lee any wiser.
-You fool, Jann Lee says softly, you were so beautiful, so gifted. You could have become anything you wanted but above all you were the kindest soul I´ve ever known.
And the Bayman Jann Lee´d got to know had been both kind and humble.
What´d turned Jann Lee´s attention to the former assassin in the first place had been pure compassion. Bayman´d looked so lost where he stood in the airport, his eyes filled with desperation and yes… fear.
For some reason it reminded Jann Lee of himself when he was eight years old when he´d recently escaped from home. He hadn´t known where to go since the streets was a place he knew nothing about and when thinking about it now Bayman had looked exactly the same way. It had looked as if though Bayman begged to be rescued! But from what, Jann Lee didn´t know and would probably never get to know either.
What he´d got to know on the other hand was a person completely different from the one he´d met in the competition. A respectful, thankful individual who was in desperate need to be loved.
-And I wish you´d felt that way, Jann Lee whispers.
Even though the first time they´d made love hadn´t been anything but the results of two souls yearning for warmth it hadn´t taken a long time for Jann Lee to fall in love with Bayman. Bayman was infact easy to love.
His blue eyes were when finally being at ease the most beautiful eyes Jann Lee´d ever seen and once Bayman smiled Jann Lee felt warm all over.
Bayman always listened to Jann Lee´s words without interrupting one single time and he gladly took the Chinese´s advice when Jann Lee suggested him places to work and places to live. Jann Lee´d loved to let Bayman stay in his apartment but since the other man seemed to live in constant fear of being a bother he wouldn´t hear of anything other then him finding his own place to live.
-You never were a bother, Jann Lee says, you were the most beautiful thing life´s ever thrown my way.
Jann Lee remembers the time Bayman got his first job and how the former assassin who were usually so quiet couldn´t stop talking about how happy he was that he apparently knew how to take orders, his whole face shinning with excitement as he spoke.
Jann Lee laughs when remembering how Bayman used to sit in his couch playing x-box, now and then cursing at the loops in the game, accusing the game of "cheating".
-Damn you were cute! he says, but you never were any good at video-games!
Jann Lee opens the note in note in his hand, daring to look at it for the first time since he found it in Bayman´s apartement.
"Jann Lee my love"
I never wanted to let you down. You´ve showed me a side of life I´d never think I´d see. You´ve always believed in me and for that I will always love you.
But you see my darling, you can´t live in a constant nightmare where everything you ever did comes back to haunt you. You can´t live when constantly being reminded of the blood on your hands, the lives that are now over thanks to you and the dreams you´ve destroyed.
I never was any good at life Jann Lee, I never was any good at anything other then the very deeds I now loathe myself for committing. Maybe things would have been different had I chosen wiser but since we all have to face the consequences of our actions I shall now face mine.
And don´t belive that because I leave this world I didn´t love you. You believed in me so now it´s my turn to believe in you. I´ll always be there when you need me, just look into your heart and I´ll never be far away.
Please don´t judge me to hard! I stand for what I said last time we met that I´m really thankful for getting to know you. Thanks to you I can now rest knowing I was once loved.
And to answer you´re question if there´s a life after this. There is, for you!
You always were the strong one Jann Lee, the rock I could always lean on. You are the strongest man in the world so whatever you do, stay that way. Don´t change a thing about who you are.
Lvoe yuo frver/ Bayman
Jann Lee smiles through his tears as he reads the last words. No matter how hard he tried Bayman always seemed to throw the around the letters in the words almost making what he wrote unreadable.
-God you were adorable, Jann Lee whispers as he kisses those dear words, I will see you again but not for a very long time. I´ve got some living to do first.
So yup! Kind of looks like a deathfic doesn´t it? I know I´ve wrote on my profile that one was almost always guaranteed a happy ending when reading my stories but come on! I only said "almost". I know both Bayman and Jann Lee may seem out of character but seriously, it´s not like we really get to know what they´re like outside the tournament when playing the game. And due to his background I think Bayman is the most likely character to comit suicide (just my personal opinion) wich doesn´t mean I didn´t hate killing him in this fanfic. Anyway! Went to the angsty, tragic realm now I´m out. Please let me know what you think.
And if you think there´s to little yaoi on Dead or alive, please write a story about your favorite pairing/pairings. Promise I´ll review xd.