Chapter One
Ignorance was bliss. Connie Springer was proof of this.
Historia had always admired his ability to rebuff the cloud of despair and melancholy that always seemed to hang around them. While it was certainly possible that he was hiding the sorrow of his family's fate behind his bubbly personality, his smile always seemed to reach his eyes in a way hers and Eren's never did. Never had and possibly never would.
Perhaps it was because he had been spared the horrors she and Eren had experienced. Still, the notion that the trauma of helplessly watching his mother die would be no match for his perpetually-sunny disposition and juvenile wit niggled at the far corner of her mind. She silently watched with mild bemusement as he effortlessly danced and twisted out of reach of an increasingly-frustrated Jean.
"Armin, hold him there!" Jean called out with a frustrated grunt as Connie's closely-shaved head drew closer and closer to Armin's post by the pantry doorway. The blond jumped ever so slightly as a guffawing Connie pushed past him, inadvertently knocking the notepad from his hands.
"Sorry, Armin!" The pint-sized scout called over his shoulder as Moblit Berner poked his head out of the pantry to appraise the source of the commotion with an annoyed frown.
"This isn't funny you bald midget!" Jean blurted, a vein suddenly visible along his temple as he brandished a leather-bound notebook above his head.
"Careful throwing that word around," Connie called back with a taunting smirk as he pressed his thumbs directly above each ear and wiggled his open palm. "If Captain Levi hears you—"
"Speaking of which—" Moblit said pointedly cutting Connie off with a stern frown. "I seem to recall him assigning you both the upstairs bedrooms for cleaning." Jean's frown instantly morphed into a frightened grimace as he lowered his clenched fists to his side and marched away.
"—floors shine, you understand, Jaeger?" At the sound of the Captain's voice descending the stairs, Connie and Jean immediately straightened up. At the last moment, Jean seemed to remember something offensive in his hand which he immediately shoved behind him, out of sight of the diminutive Captain as he came into view.
"Yes, sir." Eren Jaeger replied meekly before casting Jean a dirty look over the Captain's shoulder.
"Where's Braus?" The Captain asked, his signature bored scowl firmly in place as he scanned the room.
"Here, sir," Sasha said as she emerged from the kitchen inexplicably breathless. Judging from the crumbs clinging to her blouse and the stains on her sleeve she had been scarfing down leftovers. Again.
"Is the list ready?" Levi asked extending his hand in Historia's direction expectantly.
Historia blinked up at the Captain somewhat taken aback. It was the first time he had ever addressed her directly and she was at a loss of how exactly to respond.
"I'm sorry I—" Historia began, confusion evident in her bright blue eyes. She immediately fell silent as the Captain turned briefly to give her a quizzical look. Heat flooded her cheeks as she lowered her head with a mumbled apology as the other cadets watched her with a mix of sympathy, confusion, and concern.
"Yes, sir," Armin said bending to retrieve his fallen notepad from the damp floor. Eren's breath hitched as his best friend straighten up with the dripping notepad. Captain Levi wordlessly withdrew his hand as he turned and marched towards the front door. "Sorry, sir I just—" Armin began with an apologetic bow as he and Jean scurried to follow him.
"Springer, help Jaeger re-mop these floors." The Captain said pausing long enough by the doorway to let the cadets trailing him walk ahead of him. Jean seized the opportunity to bump into Connie as he walked past but was thwarted by the smaller scout who easily sidestepped him at the last moment. They both froze at the sound of a dull plop behind him. If Levi noticed, he hardly cared enough to acknowledge it as he turned to impart his parting words. "I want this house spotless by lunchtime."
"Sir, yes sir." Eren saluted. Connie was too distracted by whatever Jean had accidentally dropped into the bucket of water behind him to respond. "Hey, what on earth are you—" Jade green eyes widened in horror as the pint-sized scout lifted the now-drenched leather-bound book Jean had been brandishing earlier.
"What is—" Moblit began to ask as he turned to shut the pantry door behind him. His eyes narrowed suspiciously as he watched Connie gingerly set the dripping object down on a nearby table.
"Don't tell me that's the Captain's diary?" Eren asked as he followed Connie to inspect the damage. The mop in the titan-shifter's hand clattered to the floor as Connie nodded. Moblit joined them at the table, briefly peering at the diary in question before retreating to attend to other matters.
"Don't!" Historia called out stopping Connie in his tracks as he reached to peel the cover from the front page. They both turned towards her. "Gently."
"Right," Connie said pausing to wipe his palms on the seat of his pants.
"Let me," Historia said reaching for the book. He carefully deposited it in her palms, only withdrawing his hands once he was sure that the diary was secure. She lifted a nearby apron and gently dabbed the cover with it before carefully peeling apart the front page and dabbing it in turn.
"Right, I think she's got it," Eren said as he retrieved his mop from the floor. "We'd best get started before the others return from market." Connie nodded as he lifted a clean white cloth to cover his closely-shaved head.
"Thanks, Kris—I mean Historia Reiss." He called out with a wave as he joined Eren who was now lifting the chairs and placing them on the dining table.
It felt good to have a book within her hands once again even one belonging to the surly Captain. She imagined the crisp sound of flipping pages as she turned each page over with reverent care. Imagined the unmistakable smell of ink and parchment as she bent to inspect her handiwork an hour later.
"Wow, you really know what you're doing with that huh?" Connie said with an impressed whistle as he peered down to admire her handiwork two hours later. "Is it alright to leave it fanned open like that?" He wondered with a worried frown. She merely nodded in response as she shifted the axe to her left hand and prepared to close the closet door.
"Are you going to chop wood?" Mikasa asked as she descended the stairs. Historia nodded in response as Eren turned to watch them. "I'll help." Although she had volunteered to chop firewood to escape the company of her classmates, Historia knew that Mikasa would not bother her with small talk and glib proclamations.
"Hey, Mikasa." Eren scolded, setting the mop aside as his dark-haired protector relieved Historia of the axe in her hand. "You shouldn't even be walking let alone exercising. I didn't say anything about the push-ups this morning because I figured you were bored or something but this is borderline suicidal."
"The firewood pile is getting low," Mikasa stated softly moving the axe beyond his reach to point towards the dwindling stack by the stove. "That pile's barely enough to heat the stove for lunch and dinner."
"Well, let someone else—"
"Are you guys going to chop from the woods up north?" Connie asked as he stretched his hands high above his head. Mikasa nodded as she and Eren turned to face him. "I think Nifa said those trees were rotten and waterlogged. You should try chopping the ones in the eastern forest. Sasha swears they burn better." Eren turned to glare daggers at him as Mikasa shifted the axe to her shoulder with an appreciative nod.
"Hey, what's the big idea?!"
"What? It's true. The ones Moblit chopped yesterday filled the kitchen with smoke." Connie replied with a nonchalant shrug. Eren slapped his forehead in frustration shaking his head briefly before dropping the matter entirely.
"We'll be right back, Eren," Mikasa assured him as Historia held the door open for her.
"Don't let her overexert herself," Eren called out to Historia. She nodded before closing the door behind them.
They walked together in silence with only the distant chirping of birds and the gentle rustle of leaves and grass for company. Down the winding dirt road they went until they reached a small forest clearing by a gushing stream. Mikasa shrugged the axe off her shoulder, pausing only to confirm that Historia was at a safe distance before swinging it down in a powerful, wide arch.
The petite blonde settled down on a nearby tree stump to watch her teammate hack away at the fallen tree. Strands of silky tar black locks clung to her pale forehead as sleet gray eyes narrowed in concentration, deceptively small hands twisting the axe free from the stump before lowering it again with a mighty swing. There was no ounce of pain or discomfort in the prodigious protector's movements as she gradually established a comfortable rhythm. It was clear from the efficiency of her swings that Mikasa Ackerman's mind was elsewhere.
Perhaps back at the cottage with Eren. Historia surmised as she rose to gather the chopped pieces of wood piling at her classmate's feet. Her thoughts inadvertently strayed to Ymir as they tended to these days.
By now they must be far away. Possibly at Reiner and Bertholdt's homeland—if that was even where they were taking her.
A confused frown marred her features as she tried to make sense of all that had happened. Every now and then she caught her thoughts wistfully straying back to their cadet days. Life had been simpler back then. As grueling and unforgiving as their training had seemed then, the camaraderie and encouragement of friends long lost had made life bearable then. More bearable than they had been for her in years. Back then Keith Sadies' booming roars were enough motivation to power through whatever sadistic training exercise he had assigned them for the day. Now quick instincts and the drive to survive were all that separated them from becoming titan fodder.
So much of their lives these past few weeks didn't make any sense. Back then the enemy had seemed clear and open. Now their enemies lurked and plotted in the shadows, threatening to overrun them at any moment. She often convinced herself that she was merely moments away from waking from this bizarre nightmare only to find herself thrust deeper and further than she had ever imagined going. It seemed like only yesterday Nanaba had been urging her to remain strong as she contemplated putting even more distance between her and the growling titans clamoring from the forest floor.
"Are you alright?" Historia hadn't realized that she had been crying until Mikasa's soft inquiry interrupted the haunting screams of Nanaba's last moments.
"Yes. I'm fine." She replied straightening up to study the sky.
"We should probably start heading back," Mikasa suggested as she set the axe down to help Historia secure her bundle of wood. The blonde merely nodded as she turned to watch Mikasa gather up her own stack.
Ymir…was this what it was like for you at the academy? She wondered as she recalled the distant sheen Ymir's eyes always adopted whenever she thought the blonde was either asleep or not paying attention. I feel like I know almost nothing about you! And it's all my fault! The horrors you must have endured. Why didn't you ever tell me the real world was like this? Were you trying to protect me? When weren't you ever trying to protect me? If only I had been open and honest with you. If only I had lowered my mask sooner. I was so eager to be liked and accepted that I didn't open myself to you. I should have shown you…that you and I were more alike than you could have ever imagined. All those years…talking without saying anything of importance or consequence! You knew my secret then, or at least suspected it. And still…
Historia Reiss had never been more tempted to cry out in her entire life. Had they still been deep within the woods—instead of mere meters away from the cottage front door—she would have given in. She could live with Mikasa's blank expression as opposed to the sympathy and concern an outcry would have aroused in the others.
"We're back," Mikasa announced as they crossed the threshold, briefly interrupting Eren and Jean's heated exchange.
"Wait," Armin said approaching them, concern and alarm evident in his wide blue eyes. "You went chopping firewood?!"
"Have to stay in shape." Mikasa shrugged prompting Armin to sputter once more.
"Y-you were grabbed by a titan!" He reminded her. "You should be in bed recovering."
"Save your breath," Eren warned his best friend as Mikasa wordlessly walked away to deposit her load. "I caught her doing sit-ups earlier."
"Oh, so you're a nag and a spy!" Jean barked angrily at Eren.
"How on earth is that spying?!"
"Mikasa, you know you're only human right?" Armin called as he half-heartedly reached out to his friend's retreating back.
It feels…almost like being back in the cadet training corps. Historia observed silently as she watched Eren and Jean's bickering forms.
"Funny. It almost feels like being back at the cadet corps, doesn't it?" Sasha stated voicing Historia's thoughts exactly.
"Utter chaos." Armin mused quietly. "Makes you wonder why they chose us for this new Levi Squad. Protecting Eren and Historia is such an important mission."
"Because we're all so talented I assume." Sasha offered cheerily shoving a loaf of bread into her satchel. Had Historia not been watching her at that exact moment she would have missed it.
"Sasha, what did you just shove into your bag?" Armin asked turning slightly to face their perpetually-starving friend.
"It's something that's definitely not bread," Sasha replied thoroughly unconvincingly.
"Really?" Jean asked shifting his attention to her now. "What did I just say?!"
"Come on," Connie chided. "Put it back."
"Guys, really." Eren pleaded. "Can we focus here? We have to finish cleaning before the Captain gets back."
"Bread, Sasha." Armin insisted firmly, gently grabbing hold of the redhead's sleeve for emphasis.
"Er, seriously?" Sasha chuckled sheepishly.
"Seriously. How many times have you done this now?" Jean wondered incredulously.
"What's all the commotion?" Captain Levi asked as he walked into the room. Historia quietly watched him purposefully stride into the kitchen, making a beeline for the table Connie was supposed to have been cleaning. From the corner of her eye, she observed Eren turn to trail the pint-sized captain's progress, visibly cringing as he lowered his hand to dust the underside of the table.
The room suddenly fell reverently still as the other cadets noticed the Captain's presence and paused to await his verdict with bated breath. Eren's teeth clenched as he watched the Captain's palm dislodge a sliver of dust. Levi lifted his palm to eye level before turning to fix them with a visible scowl.
"I am quite certain that I gave you enough time." He mused with a scowl, pulling out a pristine handkerchief with his free hand. "Never mind. We can discuss your lamentable cleaning at a later time."
Eren's shoulders visibly lifted at this as the room collectively sighed in relief.
"Eren." The titan-shifter started slightly as he often did whenever the Captain addressed him directly. Historia felt a twinge of sympathy as she remembered her awkward tendency to fumble over her words whenever the Captain drew within earshot. "Hange's itching to begin the experiment."
"Right, yes sir," Eren said before moving to clear up his cleaning equipment. Connie and Mikasa moved to help him leaving the Captain to address the others.
"We leave for the training grounds in five minutes." He barked. "Braus, you'll be securing the outer perimeter with Sean and Richard."
"Yes, sir!" The redhead saluted before taking off to change.
"Kirchstein, Springer you'll both be with Mikasa and Hange's standby team monitoring Jaeger up close."
"Right." Jean saluted before departing.
"Roger!" Connie moved to follow Jean upstairs before remembering something and stopping in his tracks. He turned to whisper something to Historia but froze when the Captain shifted at that moment to address her.
"You are to remain within fifteen meters of me at all times." Historia merely nodded as she moved to deposit her load atop Mikasa's pile. "Arlert, walk with me."
Historia turned as she felt Connie's presence lingering behind her. She watched him trail the Captain with his eyes until he and Armin exited the house before turning to address her with a relieved sigh.
"Hey, so thanks for helping me fix the Captain's diary."
"It's not his." She was surprised he had heard her given how quietly she had uttered her response.
"Come again?" Connie asked leaning closer towards her. Historia half-expected Ymir's long hand to protectively reach out and hold him in place, keeping him from drawing any closer.
That's right. You're somewhere far away now. Somewhere I can't reach or follow.
"The handwriting in the book," Historia continued with a small sigh as she turned to point towards the spot on the table where she had left the diary earlier only to find that someone had moved it.
"Sorry," Connie said rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish smile. "Eren suggested I move it upstairs when we were cleaning in here." Historia wordlessly climbed the stairs, making a beeline for the part of the house where the boys slept. She paused in the hallway, torn between two rooms. Connie caught up with her before leading her towards the room where he and the other cadets slept.
"Look alive, Connie!" Jean called out as he emerged from the room at a brisk jog, halting when he spotted Historia trailing his bald roommate. "You heard the Captain, we move out in three minutes!"
"Yeah, yeah, hold your horses, horse-face." Connie shot back impatiently shoving past him as he led Historia towards the window sill where he had placed the diary. "We're trying to make sure you didn't ruin the Captain's diary with your shenanigans this morning."
"What? My shenanigans?!" Jean gasped suddenly beside himself as he followed them into the room, all thoughts of reporting downstairs completely forgotten.
"Yea, you dropped it in the bucket, remember?" Connie shot back as Historia settled on the corner of his bed to inspect the diary's damp pages.
"Well, serves you right for trying to dump it off on me."
"Since when?" Connie huffed indignantly. "I only asked you to help me return the diary to the Captain's room."
"No, you did not. You practically dumped it on me and refused to take it back." Jean retorted, his fists trembling slightly as he and Connie squared off again.
"Well, what's wrong with you helping me out?" Connie asked. "You know I can't afford to get on the Captain's shit list—especially since Sadies had a word with him after the graduation ceremony. You know he's always had it out for me. He couldn't have said anything good to the Captain about me."
"Well then maybe you should have thought of that before stealing the diary from the Captain's room." Connie leapt up, dragging Jean down to eye level as he clapped a hand over his mouth.
"Are you trying to get me killed, horse face?!" Connie hissed incredulously, prompting Jean to squirm and kick within his grasp.
"He does have a point, Connie," Eren said as he emerged from behind the closet door with a clean shirt which he hastily threw on. "Why did you steal the Captain's diary?"
"Because Sasha dared me." Eren shook his head with an incredulous smile as he lowered his gaze to tighten his belt buckle. "Besides, I didn't know it was his diary until you said something."
"It isn't his diary," Historia repeated again as she finished inspecting the book.
"Huh, what doesn't belong to who?" Connie asked distractedly. At that moment, Jean's elbow finally connected with his side sending the bald cadet reeling and cursing.
"The diary." Historia sighed, lifting the book high enough for them to see.
"Come to think of it," Eren said as he squinted at the neat cursive handwriting. "That handwriting's a little too girly to belong to the Captain."
"Or any man for that matter." Jean agreed as he too inspected the page. "Besides, Captain Levi's never struck me as the diary-keeping type."
"Or the type to refer to himself in third-person," Eren added as he pointed out a sentence with the Captain's name.
"So," Connie began visibly relieved. "If it doesn't belong to the Captain—"
"I never said it didn't belong to the captain," Historia stated quietly drawing confused looks from her fellow cadets. "Just because it's not his diary doesn't mean it doesn't belong to him."
"Huh?" Eren said tilting his head to the side in confusion.
"Ewut?" Connie blurted through comically pursed lips.
"That doesn't even make any sense." Jean agreed shaking his head. Resisting the urge to sigh again, she carefully flipped towards the back page where the initials "P.R." were lovingly inscribed beneath a brief note:
For my lovely daughter
"What?! You mean the Captain has a daughter?!" Connie cried out in shock, stumbling backward before landing on his butt.
"Don't be an idiot." Jean scoffed. "The Captain's not nearly old enough to have a child that can write that neatly."
"I wouldn't be so sure." Eren cautioned. "Rumor has it that he's in his early thirties." Jean and Connie's mouths fell at this.
"Get real!" Jean chuckled haughtily as he regained his composure. "He doesn't look a day over twenty-five."
"Well, I wonder what "P.R." stands for." Connie wondered, picking himself up. "Whoever she is, she must be really special to the Captain for him to have her diary."
"Perhaps she's his relative." Jean offered.
"Or his lover!" Connie suggested with a conspiratorial chuckle. Historia returned the diary to its place on the window sill and rose to follow Eren out of the room.
"Could it be?" At the sound of Eren's shaken voice, she turned to face him and immediately wished she hadn't. Once vibrant green eyes were hidden behind a deep sunken shadow, the color had drained completely from his face as his lips twisted into an ugly cross between anger and sorrow.
"Don't be stupid," Jean chided Connie. "Why on earth would the Captain have his lover's diary? He's not some insecure little housewife you know!"
"Well, why on earth would he be walking around with his sister's diary?!" Connie shot back defensively.
"I didn't say sister. I said relative—there's a difference."
"Sounds like a difference without distinction if you ask me," Connie grumbled under his breath before adding. "Whatever that means."
"Petra Ral," Eren said abruptly driving his clenched fist into the doorway with enough force to break his flesh. "That's what "P.R." stands for."
"Huh, what makes you so sure?" Connie wondered.
"Look if you're just making this up—" Jean began wagging a finger in Eren's direction.
"I'm not." Eren hissed through clenched teeth as his skin began to sizzle with healing power. "I met her when I first joined the Survey Corps. She was a member of Captain Levi's Special Operations Squad. She was always very formal with him but he somehow seemed a lot kinder to her. Gentler even."
"The Special Operations Squad, huh?" Jean repeated with a somber chuckle. "Oh, men. What a rough way to go."
"Yea, no kidding." Connie agreed quietly. Historia remembered the intimate memorial dinner Gelgar, Nanaba, and the others had held for their fallen comrades a day after the ill-fated Fifty-Seventh Expedition beyond the walls.
"Connie…you're so dead." Jean surmised with an overly grim sneer.
"He won't be the only one if you all don't get downstairs at once," Sasha yelled as she ran past, effectively interrupting Connie's retort.
"What part of fifteen meters, didn't you understand?" Captain Levi growled as he watched Historia climb onto the wagon.
"Sorry, sir." She offered meekly not bothering to offer any excuse for her tardiness. The Captain clicked his tongue irritably before giving the driver the signal to move out. Thankfully, it wasn't long before his sour mood seemingly improved as he and Section Commander Zoe huddled together over a map with Armin.
Historia caught herself stealing glances at the Captain as they rode, she noted how the tension in his strong shoulders eased up ever so slightly as Armin plotted a route on the map. The subtle way the heavy shadows lining the bags of his eyes contrasted with the rest of his otherwise boyish features. How the austere curve of his thin lips seemed to vanish whenever he was addressing her blond peer, only to be replaced with an ugly glare when Hange Zoe interjected with an inappropriately-cheery contribution.
"As much as I hate leaving it all up to Eren, I'm afraid we don't have much of a choice."Armin offered meekly.
"We'll see. Let's hope today's experiment goes a lot better than last time." Captain Levi replied pointedly, glancing towards the Section Commander who continued humming with a content smile.
An exasperated Moblit Berner had to restrain the giddy Section Commander from hopping out of the moving wagon as they neared the designated training grounds. Tucked away somewhere high within the hills, the clearing was large and secluded enough to allow Eren to comfortably transform without having to worry about being seen or heard.
"Right, leave it to me!" Hange Zoe called out to Captain Levi as she and her long-suffering subordinate swung to join Eren and the others. "You and the others secure the area."
"You know what to do." The Captain barked as he took to the skies, omnidirectional gear whirring and hissing. Historia followed closely behind. Her eyes widened ever so slightly as she watched his fingers squeeze and dance across his grappling triggers effortlessly, propelling him further and faster than she or any of the others trailing him could manage.
Although she could only see the back of his head, the purpose behind his gracefully efficient movements was impossible to miss. She remembered Eren's outburst back at the cottage and was reminded of a conversation she had overheard between Nanaba and Gelgar regarding the fate of the original Special Operations Squad.
Even though she knew that it shouldn't have surprised her, she was still somewhat caught off guard by how pervasive trauma was in the harsh reality that was their world. No one was immune. Not her, not Ymir, not even Mikasa and certainly not Captain Levi.
Funny how suffering binds and unbinds each and every one of us. When you cut right down to it we're all nothing more than the demons that define us. Haunt us. Pursue us like thieves in the night.
I wonder… She paused as her gaze fell on the Captain's dark bangs billowing around him as he continued his flight through the trees. What demons keep him up at night?
Author's Note: Texts in italics are either whispered or the character thoughts/dreams. Texts in bold italics are flashbacks. I'm anime only, so please refrain from any spoilers or hints to any plot points or developments in the future. I hope the characters are faithful to their anime and manga counterparts. If not please let me know and I will try to improve.