So! I recently just finished reading Hibi Chouchou again and was FURIOUS THAT MY LITTLE AYA DIDN'T TURN OUT TO BE SUPER HAPPY AT THE END LIKE SHE DESERVED TO BE. This little fic is something I made in the midst of a rant, so if you're reading this, I wouldn't expect too much. Some of the character's actions are crazy unreasonable, and don't make any sense, but you see, for this particular fic, I don't particularly mind it at the moment, as the whole purpose of this was to satisfy my anger. But if you will, please read it and tell me what you think, either with a review or a PM! Once again, not brill, and I'm too lazy and angry to change anything haha.
I've used some parts from the manga, and basically, this fic is all about Aya's feelings.
I own virtually nothing.
Paradoxical Confessions
Aya had never cared for romantic affairs, especially not if it involved herself.
Though, as of late, the topic was all that occupied her mind. She found herself wondering what it'd be like if she held hands with the one she liked, whether her heart would race in a similar manner to the female protagonists of those awfully cringey shoujo mangas, and whether she'd finally be able to relate to Suiren, or even Yuri.
But the thought of love was daunting. It was unpredictable, painful, and it enveloped her in a sense of loneliness when everyone but her found their special someone. She didn't want to get in their way, but she didn't want to be forgotten.
So when she fell in love, she was terrified. He was everything she could see, everything she only wanted to see. And slowly, as she witnessed the romantic events that occurred in her best friend's life, she found herself drifting away from her, to him, seeking solace in his attention.
But she didn't want to forget like they did her. She didn't want to forget and she didn't want to be forgotten.
He was irritating, but he never failed to draw out a smile on Aya's face- though at the same time, he materialised the manifestations of Aya's worst nightmares at their best. She wondered whether she'd forget her best friend in a similar manner she did her, and she found herself hating the fact she even considered the possibility.
It scared her to no extent, and her anxiety only escalated whenever she rested her gaze on that sweet, little girlfriend of his. She hated the feeling that watching them provoked in her, and how it moulded her into the insecure mess she was now.
...…..…...…...
Her heart wrenched in her chest as she observed Mina's every action, from grabbing his hand, her small, slender fingers entwining with his (her hand fit snugly in his- like puzzle pieces), to planting a tender kiss on his cheek. Her heart wrenched at the prominent red hue colouring Ryosuke's cheeks as Mina kissed them, and Aya was heartbroken on the sidelines as she watched every timid glance Mina and Ryosuke would exchange. But would she admit it? She already did, and she hated herself for it.
...…..…...…...
Mina had come up to her that day, calling Aya's name with an air of uncertainty radiating from her almost worried tone. Aya eyed her quizzically as she responded to Mina's call, but never received an answer.
"Aya-chan." Aya turned her head to face Meguna, who motioned Suiren and Yuri to go ahead as she approached Aya.
"Ah," Mina muttered, preparing to walk away. "Sorry, Aya-chan, I'll just ask you later." She sprinted away, her tone dark as she recited the girl's name. Meguna perked a suspecting brow as she stared after Mina's petite frame disappearing into the horizon.
"What was that about?" Meguna mused, twirling a coil of her dark hair.
"I don't know," Aya replied, looking at Meguna with her eyes half lidded- like they usually were. She was glad, though, that Mina had gone. She wasn't really in the mood to converse with her anyways; she was far too pissed off at the brunette after witnessing her interaction with Ryosuke.
"You know," Meguna started, hesitance evidently laced into her words, "I think Mina-chan noticed that you like Ryosuke."
Aya could only stare as the truth slapped her in the face, and she knew that any denial would be blatantly obvious, and to deny what Meguna said would be to state a lie. And to lie to someone who clearly knew the truth? Absolute idiocy. Moreover, to lie when you yourself already knew the truth? It was simply cowardice; it was running away from a reality you didn't want.
But Aya denied it anyway, because she wanted to run away from reality, whether it made her a coward or not.
She denied it multiple times.
She denied it with such vigour, that she crashed into the object of her denial and injured his hand.
...…..…...…...
She offered Ryosuke an icepack and an apology for the prominent bulge on the back of his hand, and he smiled, his catlike eyes sparkling as he thanked her in that same, overtly cheerful manner. And Aya could only stare after his back, her heart hammering in the confinement of her chest as it dawned upon her that his scintillating smile would never belong to her.
...…..…...…...
Aya had made Ryosuke a bento- as an apology- but found herself shoving it back into her bag as Mina approached him. She didn't want her getting the wrong idea (even if it wasn't wrong).
Seeing Ryosuke and Mina laugh like the idiot couple they were, admittedly, made her extremely jealous, and a bit lonely. She missed his frivolous existence that stuck with her every minute, spouting out his light-hearted nonsense that made Aya feel at ease.
That stupid frivolous existence that hung around her so much that she stupidly fell in love with it, and Aya could only blame him and his persistence.
...…..…...…...
After finishing both lunches, Aya decided that she'd go down to the cafeteria for a bit more food (the hunger that plagued her simply would not subside).
As she reached out for the last curry bread, she felt her fingers brush lightly against someone else's hand, and she turned her head, surprised to see that the "someone else" was Ryosuke.
"Ah, take it, please," Ryosuke said, shoving the bread into Aya's hands. Aya stared, and as he walked away (slouching and breathing out a heavy sigh), she handed the cafeteria lady the money.
She turned in Ryosuke's direction, and called out to him, enquiring about the state of his hand.
"Ah, yeah... It's completely fine now," Ryosuke responded, his stature awkward as he ran his fingers through his dark brown hair. Aya nodded, and stared at the curry bread resting in her palm before looking back at him.
"You can have this." She forced the bread into his hands, and he, initially perplexed, questioned why. Aya didn't answer, and as she walked past, he had said "Thank you" in that same, loud manner he always spoke in.
Aya cocked her head back, a crimson hue tinting the apples of her cheeks. "You're too loud."
He apologised, his grin still brimming with a brightness that could rival the sun's, and as he walked away, Aya couldn't help but smile.
...…..…...…...
Aya felt like crying.
"I saw you yesterday- what you did to Mina's boyfriend. I saw it," Akki accused, adjusting her curly pigtails so that they cascaded down the front of her shoulders. Mina and another girl stood behind her, a facade of worry playing on Mina's round, innocent features.
"Akki–" Mina tugged at the sleeve of Akki's, seemingly begging her to stop. Aya was certain that wasn't what she was trying to do, however, and was sure that in reality, Mina wanted to obliterate Aya and her feelings, seeing as they posed a threat to her current relationship. That confident gleam in her eyes betrayed it all.
"I did nothing," Aya said, putting on her usual straight face, and she clutched her bottle of water to her chest.
Akki shrieked, and Aya clutched the bottle even tighter, the crumpling of plastic an almost perfect representation of her inner turmoil. She couldn't cry. Not yet. Not ever.
"I saw you give him that curry bread yesterday! How dare you try and make a move on him, even though he's Mina's boyfriend!" Akki argued, her brows furrowing. She eyed the water bottle. "Are you gonna give that to him too, huh?"
Aya flinched, and mentally, she felt like spitting back a response in defence of her feelings for Ryosuke; that even if he did belong to someone else, she had the right to try and make him fall for her, to try and steal him away. That she had the right to at least hope, and that she also had the right to be happy. It wasn't bitchy, it was simply natural.
"I didn't do as such, and this is mine," Aya said, her feelings confined in the prison of her every tear that threatened to spill over. She wanted to get out of there so badly... Aya wanted someone- anyone- to save her from this situation; she felt pressured, and Akki's words only served to slowly -painfully- corrode her what was left of her fractured mentality.
Akki gritted her teeth. "You—"
"Aya-chan!" Loud. The voice was so loud. It was soothing, and it belonged to the one person she had yearned for the most at that moment. Suiren...
Aya felt herself being pulled into an embrace, and she buried her head in Surien's jumper, ignoring the stray strands of Suiren's pinkish-blonde hair tickling her cheek. A solitary tear couldn't help but tumble down Aya's cheek as she mumbled her best friend's name, her words nothing but distorted sound.
It was the loudest Suiren had ever shouted. Suiren never shouted; she was conservative. So Aya was glad when Suiren came to her rescue; she was glad that Suiren didn't forget her like Aya thought she would have; she was glad to have Suiren as her best friend.
...…..…...…...
Mina had grabbed onto Ryosuke's arm and exclaimed that she trusted him in front of the crowd that had gathered from Akki's outrage. Their buzzing raptures as they teased the flustered couple sickened Aya, and she felt nothing more distressing than the sadness that plagued her.
...…..…...…...
It was just them, watching as the sun languidly crawled back into its nest, leaving a gradient of golds and pinks in its wake.
Aya thought she would've enjoyed the scenery, but in the presence of Ryosuke alone, it only served to remind her that this was anything but the romantic moment it had the potential to be, and that she shouldn't even consider the possibility of such. Not to mention, Mina's friends were quick to jump on Aya's every interaction with Ryosuke, and Aya was making a mistake just by being alone with him (even though she couldn't really help it- she took an alternative route home to give Suiren and Kawasumi some time together, and Ryosuke coincidentally took the same route).
It was a mistake, but Aya couldn't bring herself to care. In fact, she kind of liked that she was spending her last day before graduation with him, even if the feeling wasn't mutual.
"You're not with your girlfriend?" Aya asked, feeling the need to break the silence as he trailed behind her. He flinched, initially surprised by Aya suddenly talking, and shook his head.
"No," he laughed awkwardly. "Mina-chan wanted to hang out with her friends today."
Aya sighed in an almost mocking manner. "So the boyfriend doesn't get priority even on the last day, huh? Doesn't that show how unimportant you are?"
Ryosuke looked somewhat defeated, but responded with, "I am important to her! It's just that she hasn't been spending much time with her friends since we got together."
"So that's it," Aya mused, stopping as she waited for Ryosuke to catch up to her.
They were walking side by side now, and Aya wondered why she brought up his girlfriend, but she continued to pursue the topic.
"You know," Aya started, "I never expected an idiot like you to get a girlfriend."
"How mean, Aya-chan!"
"Any girl would have to be a fool to like you," she continued, her feet skidding across the concrete as she took another step forward.
"Mina-chan's not a fool!" Ryosuke replied with a laugh. "Though I was surprised too. I didn't expect her to like me."
Aya eyed him, her eyebrow perking. "Do you like her?"
Ryosuke looked taken aback. "Wh-what?" He stuttered out, his cheeks taking on a concentrated red hue. "O-of course I—"
"Too slow," Aya drawled, walking ahead of him before turning on her heel and stopping, her eyes directly matching his as he stopped too. "Did you kiss her yet?"
Ryosuke blushed even harder as he shook his head.
"Have you kissed anyone before?"
He shook his head again.
"Is that so?" Aya inched closer. She should have stopped. Her head warned her that things were going in the wrong direction, but she paid no heed. Her demons wanted what they wanted, and Aya wanted it too, even if it meant she had to slightly break out of character.
It happened in an instant- her lips crashed into his and he, not knowing what to do, could only stay frozen in his position, his expression initially nothing but blank.
Aya pulled away. "I guess I'm your first."
She was about to walk away- flee from the situation- but stopped at the sound of Ryosuke's stuttering. She shouldn't have stopped. She should've kept going, but she didn't. She was making far too many mistakes (she still had the audacity to classify her actions as mistakes).
"Wh-why did you do that?" He rubbed his lips ferociously with his sleeve, and Aya couldn't help but inwardly laugh- he acted more like the main character of a shoujo than she did.
"Something to remember me by." Aya shrugged, taking a few more steps forward, before pausing and turning to face him one final time, her lips curving up in an anguished smile, her heart heavy. "And because I'm a fool."
With that, Aya sprinted away as fast as she could, wondering if Ryosuke would ever catch onto what she said.
...…..…...…...
For the rest of that evening, she cried, seeking solace in the comfort of her pillow.
She cried for that stupid kiss that she stupidly forced on him, and she cried for the fact that their feelings would never be mutual; she cried to release the pent up frustration that slowly caused her morality to decay, and she cried as a result of the guaranteed heartbreak. She cried for falling in love in the first place, even though she knew how hurt she'd be, and she cried because her heart went and ignored the risks, breaking those metal chains she tried to bound it to.
Moreover, Aya mourned for her rejected love that never received a rejection in words; she mourned over how the look in his eyes, and the heavy tension present in the atmosphere, was enough to tell her that they'd never be.
...…..…...…...
She didn't see Ryosuke at all after she had kissed him. It was for the better, Aya decided. She doubted she'd see him ever again now that they've graduated and parted ways, and she already did what she wanted to do. All was left was to forget about him, and she had all the time in the world to do that.
But the problem was that she didn't do all that she wanted to do. Sure, she kissed him (albeit forcefully), but she wanted to do more, to say the least. For example, she wanted to hold hands with him the way Mina did, and she wanted to go on dates where she would end up snapping at him one way or another, but still have the best day of her life.
She thought that she had rid herself of the weight that burdened her chest, but it only felt heavier.
With that, she wondered just how long she would cling onto her feelings for him, and wished that he could have just rejected her properly so that she could have moved on.
...…..…...…...
7 years later...
...…..…...…...
"This is it," Aya breathed, clenching her best friend's hand. Suiren nodded, staring up at a modest sized building, her fingers trembling as they fumbled for Aya's.
"Our own bakery," Aya breathed out once more before facing Suiren. "Our own bakery, Suiren! Our dream's right before us." They both chuckled as they embraced each other.
It was probably one of the best days of Aya's life- opening a bakery with her best friend was always a dream of both of theirs, and they finally did it. She couldn't ask for anything more. She didn't need anything else. She didn't need love or a relationship, so long as she had the bakery and Suiren. That was all her happiness depended on— wasn't it?
...…..…...…...
Suiren was always effortlessly gorgeous, but Aya never thought that she looked prettier than she did today.
White satin was draped across Suiren's petite figure, and the skirt trailed behind her as she took slow, steady steps down the aisle. The bodice was crafted with satin also- forming a cute sweetheart neckline- but its purpose was to act more as a base for the lace (of which was an identical colour to the satin) overlay, which made for the sleeves and the U-shaped neckline that rested just below her collarbone.
Her pinkish-blonde hair was pinned into a crown braid, with loose strands hanging by the side of her face to accent her face shape, and small pearl beads were inserted into the interior of the braid, glistening as the church chandelier's lights reflected off of their smooth, pinkish complexions.
And her smile, that sparkling smile of hers as she progressed the aisle, inching closer to Kawasumi... Aya had never seen anything more beautiful than her best friend in the entirety of her life. She was happy for her- for both of them. Suiren's happiness was her happiness, and that was all that mattered.
...…..…...…...
"Aya-chan?"
Aya's body stiffened, and she gripped hard on the skirt of her sapphire coloured dress- so hard that her nails began to dig at her own flesh through the sapphire silk. Her breath hitched- she found herself silently pleading for the return of her ability to functionally and systematically breathe again- and the mere sound of his voice was enough to act as a catalyst for the degradation of her mind's rational order of thinking.
'Walk away, Aya. He means nothing to you anymore. You're essentially strangers. Walk away,' Aya chided herself, the voice in her head desperate, pleading.
"Aya-chan?" His voice was more firm, resolute, as he inched closer, his footsteps loud against the surface of the glossy marble tiles.
Aya didn't do anything, and remained rooted in her place. She wouldn't turn around. She wouldn't see his face, she wouldn't dare utter his name, letting it roll of her tongue in the form of a harsh, raspy whisper that she her current state reduced her to, and she wouldn't melt back into that stupid, unrequited love—
"Ryosuke..."
— except that's exactly what she did.
...…..…...…...
They both sat down in that same café that they had frequented as teens, and Aya had a strong impulse to wither away. She wondered bitterly exactly when she had been reduced to such a coward- in front of a boy, no less- when she always used to be the knight in shining armour for Suiren, fending off other people as she harshly told them that one knight- herself- would suffice.
That changed with the appearance of Kawasumi and Ryosuke, but even then she kept her guard and displayed a strong persona.
So what happened? Aya could only pin the blame on the pain of rejection (a rejection that she should have long forgotten, but didn't).
Ryosuke stared down at his fingers, fidgeting, evidently nervous.
Aya felt a little relieved; he was still the same. He still had that unkempt bundle of spikes for hair and that same glow in his feline-like eyes, and radiated that undeniably kind- but oh so irritating- vibe like he always did.
"I want to talk," Ryosuke finally said, his eyes still fixated on his fingers as he continued to fidget.
"I realised," Aya responded, her tone harsh and exasperated, and she leaned back on her chair. "I wouldn't be here otherwise."
To this, Ryosuke started fidgeting more, his cheeks accented by red hues.
Aya sighed. "What do you want to talk about?" She softened her voice a little to put
Ryosuke more at ease.
"I want to say I'm sorry."
Aya perked a brow. "And why is that?"
"Because I didn't realise your feelings earlier. It must have hurt- a lot."
"It hurt like hell," Aya agreed, nodding her head. "But why are you apologising for that? It's not like I expected you to realise my feelings, and I just happened to realise them a little too late. It's not really anybody's fault."
Ryosuke's eyes met hers, and Aya observed his contorting expressions as he struggled for words. "But—" Ryosuke finally started, but Aya was quick to intervene.
"You know," Aya kept her eyes locked on his, "guys who pity themselves are rather annoying."
"What?" He looked genuinely startled and perplexed.
"I had told you it wasn't your fault- and it wasn't- yet you continue to persist. If you were really sorry, you would've let it be at that. In reality, you just want to satisfy the guilt you felt from rejecting me," Aya said, before taking a small, sharp breath. "Please consider my feelings too, Ryosuke. It feels like you're blaming my feelings for that guilt, and so you persist on apologising until you receive the answer you want. Please consider my feelings." Her voice was lower, quieter, pleading, and she felt inexplicably vulnerable at that moment.
Ryosuke's eyes widened, and he nodded his head in slow movements.
A moment of silence ensued, and Aya decided that she should probably leave, before her feelings caught up to her in its entirety.
She rose, but found herself rooted in position as Ryosuke's fingers found themselves wrapped around the hollow of her wrist.
"You know," he started, his tone heavy with uncertainty.
"Yes?"
"Mina-chan and I got into a huge argument a little while back," he breathed out. Aya flinched at the mention of Mina's name. He continued, "She said I wasn't invested enough in the relationship and that I was still hung up over the kiss we had- I had told her about it- so she broke it off. We're over." His voice was hushed, and Aya found herself deciphering the hidden message that was laced into his words, her brows knitting together.
"I'm afraid I'm not available as a second choice," Aya responded in realisation, her heart sinking into the depths of a gaping, black hole. Liar. Regardless of being a second choice, at that moment, she wanted nothing more than to simply run back to him. Yet, she continued, "Nor am I willing to give you a second chance."
She shook her arm away, and Ryosuke called after her as she approached the door.
"What do you want me to do, Aya-chan?" He sounded desperate, pleading, distressed and at a loss as he awaited an answer.
Aya turned her head slightly to face him, offering him a small, broken smile. "I don't know."
With that, she sprinted out the café, cursing as she realised that her feelings never really left in the first place.
...…..…...…...
Aya assured herself, saying that she did the right thing by rejecting him. But it didn't feel right. It felt painful. That strong persona she had feigned as she had told him that she wasn't willing to give him another chance killed her a little, and that lie killed her even more.
Aya realised that lying to herself had become a habit. She thought that maybe, if she lied enough, she'd eventually believe it. All it did in the end was the opposite, and made her a little too aware of the tragic truth.
...…..…...…...
"Aya-chan?"
The girl flinched as she handed a customer the requested goods and collected the money.
"Persistent guys are annoying," Aya said warily, before turning to the next customer. "Thank you for your purchase." She bowed, and Ryosuke eyed her with curiosity. He shook his head furiously, and slapped his cheeks as he told himself not to get distracted.
"Aya-chan?" He repeated, his voice noticeably firmer this time.
Aya really wished that he'd just leave. She wasn't ready to have another conversation with him, and she somewhat hoped that she never would be. She wasn't mentally prepared to repeat another cycle of hurt.
"Persistent guys are annoying," Aya reiterated, with a desperate tinge to her voice. She was about to say something else, but a gentle poke on her shoulder stopped her. She turned around, and her eyes widened in surprise. "Suiren!"
Her best friend gestured her to go with Ryosuke, and with wild arm movements, signified that she would take care of the customers. Aya attempted pleading with the girl, but Suiren was persistent. She wanted them to work things out.
Aya finally nodded- with much reluctance- removing her apron as she followed Ryosuke out, much to Suiren's relief.
...…..…...…...
As they walked down an isolated path, she realised that the scenery mimicked the day she had kissed him. Aya cringed at the thought, and how daring she had been. She didn't regret it, though.
"You live in a completely different direction now," Ryosuke exclaimed, breaking the silence they had between them.
(Ryosuke had insisted on walking Aya home as they talked, and Aya, under the glaring pressure of Suiren, couldn't help but allow it.)
"It has been a quite a few years, Ryosuke. Don't state the obvious," Aya said bluntly, tucking her black hair (which barely grazed her shoulder in thick waves) behind her ear, and thoughts of cutting it briefly occupied her mind.
Between them, another silence ensued, and Aya took her chance to admire the sun in its final hour as it retreated to below the horizons.
"I want to talk!" Ryosuke suddenly said, and Aya felt herself getting annoyed.
"Ryosuke, have you ever considered learning how to get straight to the point? I think you'd benefit very much," Aya snapped, quickening her pace slightly.
Ryosuke laughed sheepishly. "Sorry."
"So, what is it?"
"Um!" Ryosuke ran in front of Aya and stopped, forcing her to stop in her position too. "About yesterday- you're not just a second choice."
Aya knitted her brows and turned back to look at the sky, noting that although it was devoid of the sun, the streaks of colour were still present, signifying that the evening was still lingering, refusing to be enveloped by the stars and the night sky.
"Then, what am I?" Aya asked, her voice soft.
"I don't know," Ryosuke admitted sheepishly. "I honestly don't know how I feel about you."
"Then why even suggest- or hint at- dating?"
"Because I want to find out."
"But I don't want to get hurt."
"I know," Ryosuke replied. "So, I'll wait till you're ready to give me- us- a chance."
"That might be a while. Maybe even never," Aya warned, her footsteps slowing before coming to a stop.
"Then I'll wait for however long it takes." His tone was resolute and certain as he also came to a stop.
"And if I don't want to in the end?"
"Then I'll continue to persist."
"Persistent guys are annoying."
"That's just what I am, then." Ryosuke chuckled lightly.
They stared at each other in silence, her charcoal eyes resting upon his amber ones.
Aya groaned slightly. "This conversation feels stupidly clichéd."
At that, Ryosuke chuckled once more. "Yeah."
She pointed over at a small building. "My house is over there, so I'll be going now."
"Ah, I'll see you then." Ryosuke said before sprinting off, his feet crashing into the concrete with heavy thuds.
Aya shut the door behind her and sunk down to the wooden floor, her hair generating friction against the door as she slid down.
In all honesty, she was a little disappointed that nothing had happened, that he hadn't kissed her during their moment of silence while they were standing outside her porch.
Would she have accepted his confession then?
He'd wait until she was ready, and when she finally would be, she'd run into his arms.
Definitely. Just that, Aya wasn't sure whether that'd be the right thing to do (then again, since when did Aya care for what was right? She impaired her morals the minute she had forced a kiss on him).
With a final sigh, Aya wondered in which direction their relationship would go, and whether she'd finally get the reality that she had yearned for since the last seven years.
The reality where she wouldn't need to run away from her feelings, and the reality where he could finally be hers unconditionally.
That's the end, folks! Unsatisfying, I know, but for some reason, I didn't want them to end up together yet, so I kinda half implied they would later on in life. I realise the break up between Ryo and Mina was random, and that I rushed the topic- I just don't like writing about that girl (hissss) and once again, I wanted to satisfy my anger, so I couldn't be bothered with the small (major) stuff :)
Adieu,
X's and O's and more X's,
Liberty