A/N: This is an old sort-of-fanfic that I wrote a while back—like, the very beginning of January 2015. So, like, over a year ago, I guess. Anyway, I found it in a notebook, and decided to type it up. Not sure if I'll continue it or not, so for now I'll leave it as "In-Progress". Hope you enjoy!

EDIT: Mysteriously disappearing pagebreakers have been re-added. A spelling error was also corrected. Please alert me if you notice any mistakes I missed. Thank you.

EDIT2: I really should review this for errors before I just up and publish it...

Dear all students,

Hogwarts is proud to present what we would like to call, the Hogwarts "Students Scribing Scroll". It is a new invention designed by Dumbledore himself, meant to give students an anonymous means of communication so as to communicate messages to others across great distances, instantly. Please use it at your leisure.

Yours sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

P.S. Please use the SSS appropriately—it will be monitored.

Thank you. We hope you find the SSS most useful.

Hello? Can anyone see this?

Quidditch has been rescheduled to Wednesday.

Which house?

Gryffindor.

Has anyone seen my toad? Trevor?

He's in the Girl's Bathroom.

So, is this like the wizard-equivalent of group messaging?

What's group messaging?

You're kidding, right? Don't you have a cell?

Of course I do! I have billions of them!

What's a cell?

You idiot! Of course he doesn't! Wizard, remember?

Hey, I know what cells are! My muggle-born friend told me!

Oh yeah? What is a cell, then?

They're these little things—your body's made up of them!

Idiot. Told you.

What?

Not that kind of cell. He's talking about a cell phone.

You can make phones out of them?!

Hey, I'm a girl!

Oh, sorry.

No, I'm not! That was someone else!

No, you're someone else!

I'm so confused right now.

Finally, I missed texting!

What's "texting"?

Oh God—not again.

What?

omg yasssssss! i missed txting sooooooo much! lol

Pardon? Are you drunk?

It's text talk, you idiot.

Oh gods, please no. I hate when people text-talk.

What's "text-talk"?

Don't even bother.

xD confuzzled wizards are soooooo funni lmao whos stupidz now?

Oh my god, please stop.

What does "confuzzled" mean?

It's a combination of the words confused and puzzled.

You can't just combine words!

Why not?

Oh gods, you just reminded me of Loki. Now I'm sad.

Loki?

Oh, yes! I remember that.

You can't kill an entire race!

Who said anything about genocide?!

Why not?

What?! Why not?! That's insane!

Are you saying that...it's madness?

Is it madness?

Is it?

Is it?!

What's going on, I'm so confused?

You would be.

What's that hat supposed to mean?

Nothing you'd understand, "wizard-born".

Wizard-born?

Ooh, can we shorten it to "wiz-born"?

Yeah, sure—why not. Plus, "whiz". xD

What does "xd" mean? And why are you capitalizing the second letter, but not the first?

Ah, stupid Wizborns.

Yes, those stupid wizborns.

I feel insluted.

Aw, poor baby.

Thank you.

Lol.

"Lol"?

Don't tell 'em!

Don't tell the wizborns what it means!

"Wizborns"?

Dont tell us what?

Why not?

Loki.

Loki?

We've always been the outsiders, as "muggle-borns". Now, it's their turn.

Fair enough.

I'm good with it.

I'm not!

Shut up, wizborn!

I'm a muggle-born!

Oh yeah? Then what does "gtg" mean?

Hello?

No answer.

And the truth comes to light.

Poetic.

Shut up.

Okay.

Has anyone seen Trevor?

Charms classroom.

Prof F has him.

Prof F?

Short? Old? Glasses?

Oh.

Got him! Thank you!

No trouble, Neville.

How did you know it was me?!

Really?

Wizborns...

Ah, wizborns...

If we're muggle-borns, and they call us "mudbloods", then can they be "pissbloods"? You know, because "whiz" sounds like...you know.

It has been requested that students please refrain from inappropriate name-calling.

Thank you.

Shit.

It has been requested that students please refrain from using innapropriate language.

Thank you.

Fudge.

Fudge?

Stupid wizborns.

Oh, shut it, mudblood!

Damn pissblood!

How dare you!

How dare I?! How dare you, you fucking—

ANYMORE VIOLATIONS AND THE SSS WILL BE TERMINATED.

END OF DISCUSSION. NO THANK YOU.

P.S. WE ARE VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU CHILDREN.

Shut the front door.

I don't understand. I am right by the front doors, and they are tightly shut?

Fu—

Don't worry, I got him.

...ow.

"Anymore violations and the SSS will be terminated." Dipshot.

Did you just bleep yourself?

"Bleep?"

Hush.

Bananas.

What?

I'm a banana.

Pardon?

I'm a banana!

Are you wasted?

I'm a banana!

Stupid wizborn.

Excuse me?!

Look at me move!

Yeah, yeah!

Confusing the wizborns in fun.

Banana Power!

Oh my god.

The SSS has been deactivated indefinitely pending a staff discussion. If it is determined to be school appropriate, it will then be reactivated.

Thank you for your patience.

FUCKING HELL, I just STOLE the Master Scroll! Now I control the SSS. FUCK YEAH! It has been REACTIVATED. YOU'RE WELCOME—enjoy, motherfuckers.

A/N: If you want me to continue, please tell me—otherwise, I probably won't. Don't worry if it's been a while since this was published; it was already over a year old when I posted it, so...don't worry. Love ya. c;

P.S. Anyone else psyched Leonardo Dicaprio FINALLY got an Oscar? Seriously, I can't help smiling whenever I think about it. I could CRY, I'm so happy for him.