Anything.
I'll do anything for him. That's what I said. That's what I did.
Since the moment I met him somehow my life started to resolve around him. Whenever he will like this? What will he think of this? What will Sherlock do in this situation?
Addiction that's what it was. Just to see him every other day or week. My life since him was constantly in waiting glimpses of him.
When did I forget about myself? What would I like, my hobbies and interests. Even the job which I love become something I did for him.
And then he died. Well not really.
And even after I endangered my career and possible prison, he was still a bastard. And of course my reaction as always is either to smile for the fact he actually talked to me even if it was offensive or run crying. Well this time I smiled and he run away, but not crying and not from me. He said he would be back when people he cared for were safe. Not me of course, nobody noticed me. When did I closed my self of everything that is not Sherlock Holmes. No friends, except people who are in his life. No other interests, except dreaming about him. A walking zombie. I wanted him so much and I didn't even try to become interesting for him. Boring. I was even bored of myself.
I was never really the pretty one. But at least I was the smart one. I skipped couple of classes, graduating earlier. Wen to med school four years earlier and getting my diploma at 21. Internship at Bart's right after. I met him on my first day there.
I became youngest Head of Research Department. I never had time to be the pretty one, as I was always a lot younger than everyone else. Not having friends and staying in that awkward teenager stage because of that. But I had so many other interest to take my time, that I stopped and didn't even notice. I loved art and painting, dancing and singing. I loved playing the piano and making up recipes. Traveling mostly alone was amazing. And yet I did none of those thing in the last 7 years. And I didn't even notices. I was absolutely pathetic. Somehow he made me act to stupid around him.
Now there's a very good chance I will never see him again. Who knows when it would be safe for him to be back, maybe never in his lifetime.
So my new years resolution, even if it's not a new year, is to starting a life without him in it. And like with every addiction, it will get better if I put effort to get better.