SORRY
Author's Note- Hey guys, taking a short break from my other story to write this. I need it out of my head!
Morgana's POV if she'd of been inlove with Lancelot which I don't know about you guys but I thought could be a great match. It's sad and it's deep. Anyway, hope you enjoy. X
5 YEARS AGO
You know when you see someone, your eyes meet and you feel... something.
You cannot explain it, it's like a click, like something is falling into place even if you don't know what it is yet. Well that's how I felt when I first saw him.
He had the most amazing eyes and such a kind smile. If I had of known what I know now, I would have kept my head down and ignored him completely but no one can foresee this sort of thing.
So I smiled back. His smile grew and then he carried on walking, keeping his head down. He seemed quietly confident. It was a nice quality on someone that attractive.
For the rest of the day, the smile remained on my face. Everyone could see it and they noticed the change almost immediately.
Once I knew he would working in the palace, under the charge of my brother, I became excited at the prospect of seeing him everyday. Maybe we would even talk one day, even though Uther, my father, forbid royalty to talk to the servants. I never cared for that rule.
We saw each other from time to time but it never became anything more than a smile and maybe a small, hesitant wave. It was silly but we did it anyway. I came to fall in love with that smile and it was all I saw when I closed my eyes. Gwen, my friend and maid would tease me about it and I would just laugh good naturedly.
One day, I sat in the gardens reading, when a shadow fell over the book. I looked up, shielding my eyes from the harsh light.
"Hello."
I smiled.
"You must be Lancelot." I said.
He nodded.
"And you are the Lady Morgana."
I nodded back with a smile still in place.
"I am."
"I've seen you in the palace and I just wanted to speak to you. I know the King doesn't like the servants mixing with royalty so I hope that this is ok." He said shyly.
"Of course it is. I'm glad you came to talk to me. I've wanted to talk to you too."
Lancelot smiled and then sat down next to me so that I wasn't looking into the glare of the sun. He had the most amazing hazel eyes I'd ever seen and his dark hair was short but kept neat.
"I know this will probably get me killed but I would love to take a walk with you."
It sent a mixture of fear and excitement through me all at once. I'd courted only one other boy and it wasn't really anything serious but this time, it felt different; deeper, more meaningful somehow.
"Of course. I'd like that."
His smile brightened, matching mine and we talked a little while longer untill we finally agreed to meet tomorrow morning before everyone woke.
The sun rose and I quietly slipped out of the palace and went to the fields where he stood, waiting for me.
He held out his hand and I took it, that stupid smile coming to my face again.
We walked through the fields talking about our families, my time growing up in the palace and his home village. We both understood the importance of family loyalty and agreed that above all, they came first, along with our friends of course.
Lancelot stopped walking and I frowned a little as he turned to me. He put his arms around me and pulled me into him, holding me close. I felt weak and held onto him; more to support myself than anything else and I instantly felt safe. I didn't think feeling weak at the knees was real but here I was, barely able to stand.
When he finally pulled back, we walked some more and then came to a hill where we sat and just looked at other people who had come out for a walk of their own or rode their horses.
We sat close and my heart was racing. Everytime he looked at me, I felt light headed and I wondered if he felt as consumed by this feeling as I did.
He told me about all the books he'd read since he'd been here. He was such a positive person and he believed that the land we lived on had so many possiblities if only we opened our minds to them. I was being drawn in by him and for once, I didn't care. I let myself be lead.
The day ended all too quickly and we went back to the palace but as soon as we crossed the grounds, I was summoned to the throne room. Uther wanted to see me.
I told Lancelot that it would be alright. It was probably just to ask where I'd been as I'd missed breakfast but I knew better. Uther knew.
My father stood, pacing back and forth as I walked into the throne room. He stopped pacing and looked at the guards, gesturing for them to leave.
"You summoned me?" I asked, forcing a small smile onto my face.
"You were seen with a servant, Morgana. Care to explain?"
I licked my lips, feeling nervous.
"Just a walk, father. Nothing more."
"You do not just go for a walk in the field with a servant and nothing happens!" He roared.
I frowned.
"You would think that of your own daughter?"
"I don't know what to believe but Morgana, this cannot continue. You and he are very different people. I suggest you end this before it gets too far."
I looked down at the floor, feeling tears welling up in my eyes.
"It's too late for that..."
His own eyes went wide in anger.
"What do you mean?"
"I love him." I admitted and it felt so freeing so admit it.
"You've known him only a day, how can you know that?"
"I just do. From the first moment I saw him, I knew. It just...there's something there."
Uther shook his head.
"It cannot continue and I demand that you end it."
I frowned, glaring at him.
"You demand it? How can you be so cold? I will not end something I feel so strongly for." I refused.
He took a step towards me and lowered his voice to a dangerous whisper.
"You will. I am your father and your King and you will obey me."
"You cannot do this!"
"I shall give you an ulitmatum, Morgana. End this or I'll take away everything Arthur has ever worked for."
I stared at my father, I didn't recognize this man. Not the man who used to carry me to bed when I was a little girl or the man who would give me advice when I sought it.
"You would not do that to Arthur...who would rule?"
"Whoever was strong enough to take it from me and believe me Morgana, I would do this to your own brother, that's how strongly I feel about this."
"But...Arthur as King, that's all you've ever wanted. You would destroy someone you love because you don't want me to be happy?"
Uther shook his head in frustration.
"I don't want to see you make a fool of yourself, Morgana and if you continue, that is exactly what is going to happen."
I shook my head as tears flowed freely.
"I can't..."
"Then Arthur will never be King. I'll disown him and if my wife was still alive, I'd do the same to her."
I could not believe what I was hearing.
"Well?" He pushed.
I raised my head and blinked back the rest of the tears that threatened to come forward.
"I'll end it tonight."
"No. You'll end it now."
He left the room as I sank to my knees and cried...
I was a coward, I'll be the first to admit it. I could not face him. So I wrote him a letter.
Lancelot,
I am sorry to do this but I am afraid that I can never see you again. You have to leave Camelot. My loyalty is to my family and to Camelot and you have no place here.
I hope that you find someone who loves you as much I did.
Morgana.
I gave the letter to Gwen and told her to give it to Lancelot.
I never heard from him again. He left Camelot and I remained inside the palace untill Uther was satified that he'd gone for good.
Arthur was never made aware of what had happened and and was given a new servant. Uther was happy and everyone went about their daily business and me? After I'd gotten over the initial feeling of being lost, I'd felt empty and numb. I also closed myself off to everyone after that.
I vowed that no one would ever get inside again, no one would be able to make my heart feel the way it had felt when I was with him and no matter which suitor that Uther picked out for me that came my way, I kept to that promise.
I shut everyone out.
NOW
I don't feel much. At least I tell myself I don't. I don't want to. Why should I ever let myself feel that way again when I know that the feeling won't last. I still go back to that day, the day when I'd felt so happy I didn't know if I was dreaming or not. When I look back now, that's how it feels, like one big dream that never really happened. If only that were true. If only my father hadn't of stood there, giving me ultimatums, would I of still been with him? Would we of had that family I'd dreamt about? Would we of had that wonderful wedding that only I saw in my mind? Would we have had a normal life, away from all the noise of the palace? I never wanted children but with him, I imagined it. I wanted it.
That's how I knew it was real.
Now I sit on my black throne, feeling nothing but contempt and anger. My guards and servants talk amongst themselves. They ask; Why am I alone? If I'm going to take my father's Kingdom, should I not have someone just as ruthless as I am to sit by my side while I do it? No. I don't need that.
A guard walks up to me, bowing low.
"Morgana, I have a letter from one of Uther's enemies. He wants to meet with you and ask for an alliance."
I stared at the guard and took the letter from him, reading over it quickly.
I smirked and tossed it into the fire.
"It is a marriage proposal." I muttered.
The guard looked up.
"Would that not strengthen your hold over Camelot?"
"No."
"But if you had someone-"
"I said no!" I roared, reaching out and choking the guard untill he turned very pale. I let him go as he fell to the floor, holding his throat.
"If anyone ever brings the idea of a lover or husband to me again, I will remove your head. Is that clear?"
He nodded as he stood wheezing, and backed away.
I stood and sighed, going over to the window and looking down at my slowly forming army.
I had the men. I had the weapons. I had their loyalty through fear and I had what I wanted since that day, I felt nothing close to love.
I wondered, when I was alone with my thoughts, would anyone be able to bring that feeling back? I didn't have much hope but that's what I was waiting for and what of him? Did he forgive me for the way I ended things? I wouldn't blame him if he didn't but I wished the best for him. I sincerely hoped that he did meet the love of his life. I know that untill I see that, I'll never be free of this.
END