WARNING: This story contains homosexuality and another dark, unsettling subject.
Welcome to my story, In My Head, which will hopefully suck you into a new world of Spuck.
Chapter one is just an introduction. Depending on how many reviews and feedback it'll get, I'll write the next chapter. That might make you want to puke, but I'm only writing to improve my English, so I would really like to know that my time and determination is being appreciated and getting better.
Anyway, just enjoy! ;p
Chapter one - Sam
Sam Evans was a complicated boy; though, that's what he thought of himself. He always felt different from everyone around him, and on one hand that would make him unique, but on the other completely normal. He found himself a social kind of guy, but then again, he could easily lock himself in his room for a couple of days, not talking to anyone. His mind was his safest place, but lately he had experienced that it could also turn into his worst enemy. He could be perfectly fine and happy about something, but not even a second later, feel like shit about the exact same thing. It was because of that development in his behavior a year ago, that he started doubting himself. The self-soothing feeling of knowing yourself made place for anxiety and several insecurities. He started questioning his emotions and tried to think of reasons for his sudden mood swings.
After a couple of days of staying home from school, pretending he was sick, and doing some intense self-reflection, it hit him.
Sam Evans always thought about himself as unique, as different. His mind had always been his safest place, but that had changed. He wondered for how long his subconscious had tried to tell him. Maybe for a month? A year? Two? Or maybe he had known all along, but had just denied it. Coming to think of it, he always did get a light feeling in his stomach when he had to hold the hand of one of his friends in kindergarten, lining up to walk to the playground. He also caught himself staring a couple of times at the athletic bodies of his teammates from the football team, so he guessed he just had always ignored the fact that Sam Evans felt more towards boys than towards girls.
Sam Evans was gay.
Realizing that fell hard on him, because he didn't feel like he had someone to talk to about it. Of course he had some friends at school, but they weren't very close to him. The connection he had with his parents was good, but he wasn't even sure of his new identity. That was the main reason why Sam had started to bottle things up, convincing himself that he was handling his revelation pretty well.
The school year passed and just before had summer began, his dad had announced to have found a new job. Therefore, they had to move to a small place called Lima, Ohio.
The first weeks at McKinley High had been going well. Sam tried out for the football team and found himself being QB, just like he was at his old school. It made him feel a little relieved, because he had noticed that popularity was a big deal at his new school.
Finn had convinced him to also try out for Glee Club. Sam was in love with music, he listened to it all the time and started playing the guitar at the age of seven, so he did. At his audition he introduced himself as airy as he could, making a joke revolving around that book from Dr. Seuss. Though, he couldn't help but feel a rush of anxiety flushing over him when Puck had asked him how many tennis balls he could fit into his gigantic mouth, but he managed to come up with a comeback that apparently was enough to earn Puck's respect.
Because weeks later, he and the boy with the mohawk had quickly grow fonder of each other. It was probably because Puck's friendship with Finn had died down – Finn had spent most of his spare time with his girlfriend Rachel – that Puck was almost desperately in need of a new bro. Turned out that Sam was "worthy enough", as Puck had put it, to cover up Finn's spot, and a new friendship was born. A friendship that Sam had never experienced before. Puck really had his back and he truly liked spending time with him. Not in the gay-way, of course, just as good friends.
But despite of all the new positive developments, there was one thing that hadn't changed; Sam's mind. He now was almost every night up alone in his bedroom, that being true without the times that Puck would take him to the gym or some crazy party.
Because, although Sam now had a few friends and even one good one, he still didn't trust any of them with his secret. Don't get him wrong, he trusted Puck, just not that much. He had read stories about young gay guys getting bullied and had heard several, very confronting, messages on the news. And, fact is, Sam wasn't at all ready to handle all that kind of stuff. Hell, he was still getting used to the idea himself.
So, he started surfing the web, searching for answers, actual good stories, just things he could relate to, because the feeling of being different started to get to him. He was starting to feel more alone every day. Sure, he got to know Kurt, who also was gay, but he just didn't feel like sharing his thoughts with him. Kurt was into fashion and musicals, that sort of stuff, and Sam found none of those things interesting.
So here he was again, sitting at his desk, scrolling down pages on his laptop. He gave a quick gaze at the clock in the corner of his screen and sighed at how late it already was. He noticed the darkness in his room and he felt it clunking around him, infiltrating his mind.
"Here we go again," he softly sighed to himself.
Why was this happening to him every time when he was alone? Why did he had to feel this way? Why did he had to be gay? A shiver crept up his spine at the word, still getting scared and uncomfortable by it. Why him? He was doing fine more than a year ago, why did it had to drift up the surface like this? Couldn't he just had denied it for a little while longer?
Sam rubbed his eyes, trying to focus on his screen again. Hey, a chat, he noticed. It would probably be another one with those filthy men, trying to get a creepy date, but Sam decided to give it a go. He logged in with a name he wouldn't be recognized with, because, what if someone in Lima found out it was him, on a gay chat? His life would be over.
A little, white icon popped up at the corner of his screen, seconds after he got on. Someone had sent him a private message. His insecurities and anxiety set in again and slightly trembling he clicked on it.
What are you looking for? It said.
Sam sighed, a little irritated by the question. Great, another "do you wanna meet up? I have bucks"-conversation.
Something to ease my mind. Sam replied, feeling a little proud of himself for the vague answer.
What for? His chat partner asked.
Sam gazed at his keyboard, his stomach dropping. It felt weird that someone actually showed interest in his feelings. He bit his bottom lip, trying to calm the voices in his head, who were telling him different things. After a few minutes his feelings went numb, like someone else took over his body, and his fingers started hovering over the keyboard.
Too many thoughts, I can't think clearly and it's really getting to me. Have been feeling this way for a long time now. I can't focus when I'm alone, but I keep having this need to be by myself. It's… Messing with my head…
He blinked a couple of times, surprised when he read his own message. That was exactly how he felt, but it still felt like those words weren't his.
I've got the same thing, took me three years to find something that could help me. The reply read.
Wow, three years…
What was it? Sam asked, getting a little curious. Anything to get rid of that awful voice in his head.
Cut it out. Sam's brows disappeared under his bangs when he read that. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Did he just had to "cut it out"? Like his mom used to say when he was whining about something when he was little?
Cut. It. Out. The voice inside of Sam's head kept repeating. He was just about to ask what his chat partner meant, when he saw the notification about him, or her, being offline.
Sam let out a deep breath and closed his laptop, letting his head fall back, his hands rubbing over his face. Why was the answer to his sad feelings so hard to find?
"Dude, what's wrong with you?" Puck pulled Sam out of his thoughts, "you've been acting absentmindedly for, like, almost a week now?"
They were at Puck's place, trying to make some homework. Puck had asked a question, but Sam hadn't answered, bluntly staring at his science book.
"Nothing, man, just tired, that's all," he answered indifferently.
"Well, okay," Puck responded, "but don't screw up at our game next Friday. We need you, bro."
Sam nodded at him reassuringly, a trace of a smile creeping onto his face.
"Gonna be fine."
"Great, now close that book of yours and come help me with our new assignment for Glee," Puck tapped the spot, next to him on the bed, invitingly.
Sam smiled and got up to sit down next to him, making sure their bodies weren't making any physical contact.
"I can't find a good song that we could use," Puck muttered, his eyes fixated on his laptop.
"Yeah, this assignment is kinda hard… I mean, "songs that describe your feelings/life", how does Schue come up with it?" Sam said sighing, trying to focus on coming up with things they could use.
"Don't get me started," Puck grumbled, "I feel like he's messing with me on purpose. Everyone knows the Puckasaurus doesn't do feelings."
Sam chuckled a little. He always did when Puck used that awful nickname for himself, but he knew he was right. Puck never talked about feelings, he was more of a physical kind of guy. That was one of the most important reasons why Sam didn't feel like sharing his secret with Puck. He would probably ignore it and act like nothing was going on and Sam didn't want that. He wanted a conversation, to see if that could ease his troubled mind.
"…Right, Sam? Sam?" Puck looked at him with questioning eyes.
Damn it, he had wondered off again.
"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
Puck sighed irritated and Sam thought about the comment his best friend had made earlier, about him being absent, but Puck wouldn't be Puck if he wouldn't let it go. So he did.
"I was saying that we probably have to do a mash-up, because Schue's assignment involves a slash, and all."
"Yeah, I guess that makes sense," Sam thought about it for a while. He found it hard to believe Puck had actually picked up on some second meaning. Maybe the mohawked boy was more skilled than he thought.
Puck went onto Google, typing "Meaningful songs" into the search bar. He clicked the fifth link, a Yahoo! Website, where some kid had been asking for meaningful songs. A couple of people had replied and Sam and Puck scrolled down the list of names.
"Wait, Simple Plan," Puck suddenly exclaimed, "that sounds familiar."
"That's because it's one of your horrible mottos," Sam teased.
"Shut up, Evans," a grin showed on Puck's face, "Seriously though, the song's called 'Welcome to my life', that's almost too good to be true."
"Let's look it up on Youtube," Sam offered.
"A clip with lyrics," Puck responded.
He put on the sound on his laptop and the voice of a young man started singing. Their music was kind of alternative, a genre that would fit Sam and Puck's voice well.
His heart dropped when his eyes gazed over the lyrics, really taking them in. "Do you lock yourself in your room?" Sam felt his stomach turning when the chorus came on. O my god. This song was about him. He had actually felt that way. What the…
"What do you think?" Puck asked when the instruments had died down.
"I wanna use it," Sam answered almost immediately.
"Really?" Puck moaned, smashing his own forehead with his hand, "dude, this shit is like, so depressing and all."
"So?"
"The assignment said we had to choose a songs that we feel describes our feelings, or life," Puck reminded him.
"Yes, I'm aware of that," Sam replied stubborn, he looked right into Puck's eyes intently, noticing their hazel color.
"Fine," Puck gave in, "but I'm choosing the second one."
"Seems fair."
After another half an hour of searching Puck had landed on "First time", by Lifehouse. Sam's actually surprised, because the song's about being in love and all. He never expected Puck to be eager for that feeling or something, maybe another piece of evidence on his theory about Puck being more self-conscious than he acted.
At the end of the afternoon, Sam and Puck were happy with their end result, they mashed their songs pretty rad.
"Dude, this actually sounds awesome!" Puck uttered excited.
"It kinda is," Sam said with the same amount of excitement, "who would've thought that those two songs would mix that well."
"I know, right! We're gonna rock this thing, Evans," Puck pointed out his fist towards him. Sam laughed and balled his hand, pushing back on Puck's. He felt the rough skin of Puck's knuckles brushing against his and a little tingle went through his body.
That night Sam's at his room again, downloading entire albums of the band he had newly discovered today. He had plugged his earphones into his laptop, so that he wouldn't wake his parents. The music was screaming in his ears and he found it soothing. Most of the songs really described how he felt, how messed up he was inside. Sam finally felt like he has something to relate to, and it wasn't a person, but a band. Why hadn't he thought of that himself?
But Sam hadn't noticed that his excitement wasn't one of the good kind. Sure, the songs described his life, but they were bringing him down. They weren't giving him something to hold onto, but the voice in Sam's head told him to not mind. When "Welcome to my life" came on again, he had stopped with quietly singing along with the lyrics. Every verse consisted of questions, depressing questions, questions Sam could all answer affirmatively to. At the end of the song, he pulled his earplugs out, tears burning behind his eyes. He sucked his bottom lip in and started chewing on it, realizing how bad he was doing.
O r how miserable he actually was. He had kept his secret for over a year now and it was starting to tear him apart. Nobody saw this though, and if anyone would, no one would probably care, Sam thought. He was alone.
Tears started dropping onto his pants and he bit his lip a little harder, trying to hold them back. Suddenly, everything fell into place. He had noticed about the shocks of pain going from his mouth to his brain and it was easing his mind. It was makes him feel calmer. That's what that person on the chat had meant! Cut it out. He hadn't meant to just stop it, but literally.
Sam's hands were trembling when he opened his desk drawer, finding his scissors in it. He grabbed them slowly and opened them, considering if it was worth it. His vision blurred because of the water in his eyes when he felt the cold metal against his skin. A mix of angst, desperation and relief washed over him when he felt the stinging pain going through his upper arm. He dropped the scissors on the floor and opened his eyes to look. A thin line of blood was showing at the top of his arm and he let out a soft sob at it. He picked up one of the dirty towels that were lying on his bedroom floor, dabbing his cut clean and letting out a deep breath he didn't know he was holding. He was feeling fine. He was okay. The voice in his head was silent again and a smile cringed at the corners of his mouth.
Ignoring the fact he had done awfully wrong that night.