Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Now excuse me while I go to a corner and cry.
Puck watched Finn out of the corner of his eye. That sounds gay, he knows. But he wasn't watching for his best friend for that reason. God, no. He wasn't going to go all Hummel on Finn. Or on any other guy, for that matter. He was straight as an arrow, thankyouverymuch.
No, he wasn't checking Finn out. He was observing him, carefully assesing his actions as he stared dumbly at curvy brunette who was yapping on and on about something Puck couldn't care less about. Finn was now shuffling in his seat. He was fidgeting, alternating from crossing his legs to sitting straight. Puck raised an eyebrow at his uneasiness. What was his problem? And that was when he saw it, saw the cause of the look of displeasure that now situated itself on his best friend's face.
Holy shit, Finn was having a hard-on.
He was getting off Rachel's annoying high pitched talking voice.
"Now, I know all of you do not have nearly as much practice and experience as I do with performing, I have been doing that since I was three months old so there is really no shame in that. So I have taken it upon myself to..."
He was turned on by this? It took everything Puck had not to collapse in laughter right then and there.
iiiiiii
"Hey man, mind if I talk to you for a while?"
Puck jogged after a hurrying Finn down the hallway after glee practice. He obviously didn't want to talk to anyone, not right now while he was in a very uncompromising situation.
"I can't talk now, dude." He said, not stopping, not slowing his pace. Puck was keeping up with him with a devious smirk on his face.
"Oh, but this is kind of important. You know, things have been kind of hard lately." Puck couldn't help but throw that in. He figured he deserved to get some kind of fun after what he was going to do for his lovesick friend.
"I really...don't have time, Puck." Finn was sweating now, turning a pinch of red in the cheeks. Puck was thoroughly enjoying himself.
"Why dude, need to take care of some things?" Puck asked, feigning concern. He knew Finn needed things taken cared of, alright.
"I just...need to go, man!" Finn stomed off, now literally running to his car.
Puck almost dobbled over in laughter.
iiiiiiiii
Puck liked to think of himself as renewed man. The old Puck would never think about doing this. But he screwed up big time, like screwing and getting his best friend's girlfriend knocked up big time. So he figured he needed to appease the gods and do something actually nice.
In a weird, Puck sort of way.
But this thing he was about to do? This was about to blow the hell off the good deeds of all good deeds. 'Cause he was doing what Jesus did, he was sacrificing.
Himself.
He knows, awesome, right? Who knew the Puckerone had it in him?
So he dialed his phone, and got comfortable in his bed.
"Hello, Noah?" answered the girly voice from the other line. Rachel Berry, he was even going all Jewish on this.
"Berry, I need your help." He said, not beating around the bush.
"Have you finally decided you wanted to be leading man material? Well, Noah, I must say-" she started, only to be cut off.
"What? No, Berry. I need your help with Finn." Even from the phone, Puck could practically see Rachel's face fall when he mentioned Finn's name. Wow, they were both freakishly love horny for each other.
Love horny, he chuckled to himself. He could so give Berry a run for her money for all those big words she invented. He assumed those were invented since he can't understand half the things that come out of her mouth.
"Why? Did something happen?" she asked, trying to hide the concern in her voice. She was so transparent, even through the phone.
"No, but something should. You two should." Puck couldn't believe how incredibly cheezy he sounded, like something out of the CW.
There was a pause on Rachel's end. A very, very long pause. Puck thought she might have died over there.
"Yo Berry, still there?"
"Y-yes, I'm sorry, Noah, I don't understand. What are you trying to say here?" Puck couldn't believe his ears. Did Rachel Berry actually stutter? It's disgusting to him how someone could have it so bad.
"I'm saying Finn's my boy, and I made some mistakes, so now I'm set out to do something nice for him." And for me, he added in his mind, karma has seriously been a bitch. He needed to please the big guy up there if he wanted to ever get laid again.
"And this involves me how?" she asked inquistively.
"Has Finn made a move on you yet? Since you and St. Douche broke up?" He never did like that Jessie kid.
"I don't see how that's any of your business, Noah, and I don't appreciate you..."
"Just answer the question, Berry." God, he should have texted her about this. Then he wouldn't have to deal with her abnormally long sentences and unnecessary comments.
"No." She answered curtly.
"But you're into him, right?" Why couldn't Berry just get it? Damn, he was sounded more and more like cheezy teen dramas by the second.
"Y-yes, you could say that." There was the stutter again! So an in love Rachel was a stuterrer, huh? Nice.
"Well, I have cooked up a plan that's so brilliant, you'd ask me to marry you." Puck heard an distinct Ugh coming from Rachel's end. Bitch.
"Noah, please, if this is one of your booty calls, spare me and dial San-"
"Damn it, Berry, are you listening? I'm doing you and Hudson a favor here." There was another pause on Rachel's end again. Puck knew she was contemplating on whether to let him talk or to hang up on him.
"Go on." She finally said.
"Great, so you and Finn obviously have the hots for each other..."
"Noah-"
"You were listening, remember? Anyway, since Hudson's being all squirmy and is refusing to ask you out, I have thought of something so awesome that would literally drive him to your front door." He paused, giving her some time to absorb what he just said.
"Continue." Score! She sounded interested.
"I think we should date." Puck heard a thump from Rachel's end. It was followed by a cry of pain.
"What the hell, Berry?" He heard some shuffling from the other end, and then a few grunts. What the fuck was she doing?
"I'm sorry, Noah, I-ow, that hurt." He could hear her struggling. Did she-
"Did you just fall off your bed?" Puck almost dropped the phone in laughter. This day was just too good.
"You can't say something like that to me and expect me to be all calm and-why in the world are you laughing that much, Noah Puckerman?" she demanded from the other end. Puck barely heard her as he was still being consumed by his laughter. Just imagining the usually graceful Rachel fall off her bed...oh, that was hilarious.
"Okay, okay...I'm good now." He stated, taking deep breaths to stop the laughs from coming out.
"Are you sure? I could give you more time." Rachel deadpanned.
"Was that sarcasm, Berry?"
"Ha-ha."
"Okay, anyway, I'm talking about fake dating so no need to fall off your bed or anything."
"I know you aren't some genius, Noah, but you have certainly outdid yourself with this one. How is dating you going to bring me Finn? If anything, it's going to push him away more!" Puck ignored that stab at his intelligence and continued explaing his plan.
"No, it's not. I know Finn, he thinks I'm bad for you so if he sees us hanging out, he'd be all knight in shining armor and then he'd get worked up and pissed, which would drive him to admit his feelings to you. Next thing you know bam, you guys get together and I'll be the genius behind it." He couldn't help but smirk at his own awesomeness. Not only was the Puckerone a stud, he was freaking Einstein too.
"I don't know, Noah..." she said after a few seconds. She was hesitant, but Puck wasn't going to give up that easily.
"Come on, Rach, this may be the only chance Hudson'll decide to actually grow a pair."
"You think provoking him with us would heighten the chances of him actually admitting what I so desperately want him to?" Rachel sounded so hopeful, Puck couldn't help but silently promise to work a little harder to actually make this work. Wait, what?
"Yup, positive."
"And we would only have to keep this up for, what? A month?"
"A month would be just right, Berry."
"You're sure this would work?" Puck rolled his eyes.
"Yeah, dude, trust me."
Puck could hear Rachel take a deep breath. "Okay."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Alright."
"Alright."
She hung up. So did he.
This was going to be one hell of a month.
Tell me what you think! ;)