Later that night...

Harry hears a scary whispering over head

Dobby: Hello!

Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! Oh...Dobby. You scared the shit out of me...
Dobby: Why Mister Potter? Why did you come back? Even after Dobby sealed the barrier, and made the rouge bludger...wait...oops!

Harry: WHAT? YOU did all that?

Dobby: Dobby didn't mean to say, Dobby must torture himself now!

Harry: And I know the perfect torturer, me! Die you little elf!

Dobby: AAAAHH! Mister Potter must listen to Dobby!

Harry:Grabs Dobby by his neck No, now it's time for YOU to listen to me! I'm going to kick your ass all the way Hong Kong you little fag!

Dobby: But Mister Potter must listen! Dobby can explain!

Harry:Harry pauses, his fist up in the air I'm listening...

Dobby: Dobby was only doing it for Mister Potter's own good...

Harry: Look at my arm, Dobby! Does this look like it was for my own good?

Dobby: Well...no sir, but...

Harry: First you nearly get me expelled, and then you NEARLY kill me!

Dobby: No, mister Potter, never kill you! And if you were expelled, at least you'd be away from here...

Harry: What are you talking about? Hogwarts is the safest place in the world for a wizard or witch to be!

Dobby: Not now, Mister Potter. Don't you remember Filch's cat getting petrified, and then the whipped cream writing on the wall, that said The Bed Chamber Of Secrets has been opened, that Cheo totally forgot to put in to the plot line?

Harry: Yes, I do...
Dobby: AND DID THAT LOOK VERY SAFE TO YOU?

Harry: It could be just someone playing a prank...

Dobby: What about the voices you've been hearing?

Harry: Dobby, how do you know about the voices? Have you been hearing them too?

Dobby: No, I've just been keeping a very close watch on you, and heard you say that you were hearing voices.

Harry: And how come you aren't talking in 3rd person like you usually do?

Dobby: Eeep! My bad...I mean, Dobby's bad!

Harry: Look, someone's coming. Get lost!

Dobby disappears

People come in with a stretcher

Minerva: Look, he has a camera...

Pomfery: Maybe he got a picture of his attacker...

Harry:thinking A camera...Colin Creepy...I mean Creevy that Cheo also forgot to put in to the story...attacker? Did he finally get his ass kicked?

Dumbeldore opens the camera, and it sizzles

Minerva: This is awful...who could have done this?

Dumbledore: I don't know Minerva...but whom ever did it, must of been very horny...

Minerva: Why do you say so?

Dumbledore turns Colin over, and points to the seat of his pants that has a hole in it
Dumbledore: Somebody ass raped Colin...and then petrified him...

Harry snickers quietly

Minerva: We must let everyone know! This is horrible!

Dumbledore: But, Minerva, don't you think it will be a trifle embarrassing for Colin?

Minerva: But everyone needs to be alert!

Dumbledore: Or...all the men, anyways...

Minerva: So what do I tell the staff?

Dumbledore: The truth. The Bed Chamber of Secrets has been...opened. The men of Hogwarts are no longer safe...

Later, in the dueling hall...

Gilderoy: Welcome everyone, to your Dueling lesson! As you all know, I am Gilderoy Lockheart!

The boys grumble

Gilderoy: Today, you will be learning how to protect yourself, against the most darkest of forces...but first, I'm going to strip!

The song "I'm Too Sexy" comes on again from some unknown source. All the girls, and some faggoty guys try to grab articles of his clothing as they are thrown. Harry, Ron, and the rest of the straight boys cover their eyes, and pray until it's over. Meanwhile, Gilderoy starts pole dancing using poor Snape who just walked up on the stage, as a pole

Snape: Professor Lockheart! What the hell are you doing?

Gilderoy: Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, Severus! I thought you were a pole!

Snape: Yes, obviously you did! Now explain why you're...
Gilderoy: Naked?

Snape: Never mind. I'd rather not know anyway. Now get your clothes back on so we can just duel and get this damn thing over with!

Gilderoy: Alrighty! Gilderoy uses a spell to make his clothes immediately fly back on to him

Gilderoy: Now, everyone watch closely. Severus and I will only disarm one another, but, don't worry, you'll still have your Potions Professor after I'm done with him

Some random kid: Who needs him? Kill Snape!

All the kids begin chanting 'Kill Snape! Kill Snape! Kill Snape!'

Gilderoy: Now, children I'm sure you don't mean that. Severus can't be that bad-

All of a sudden Freddy and Jason show up out of no where (form the movie Freddy vs. Jason)

Freddy: GET ON WITH IT BEFORE UR EVERY DREAM WILL BE MINE

Jason: grunts

Gilderoy: ALRIGHT!

So Severus, and Gilderoy duel, Gilderoy gets thrown back, blahty blahty blah. Once he is thrown, he gets back up and there's a long pause

Some kid:. You suck!

Gilderoy: Uhh...yes, thank you for showing them that, Severus. But remember we're only disarming, class...oh! Why don't we have two student volunteers show us how to duel! Anyone?

The crowd is silent
Harry:hollering, attempting to annoy Gilderoy LO-CKH-EART!

Gilderoy: Alright then, Harry. Why don't you and mister weasly come duel for us!

Harry: Wha-What?

Severus: I don't think that would be a very good choice, professor. Weasly would have Potter in the hospital wing in a matchbox. Why don't we have...shrugs innocently Malfoy, perhaps?

Malfoy and Harry both come up onto the stage, duel blah blah blah. For some reason or another, a snake ends up on the table. The snake is hissing at students

Harry: Wait...I remember you! You're the snake from the Zoo! I thought you went to Brazil, after you chased me all over the reptile house!

Snake: Yeah, I did. But business isn't going very well over in Brazil, and I need some cash. So, I came back and got a job jumping out of people's wands whenever they do the snake spell.

Harry: Oh, really?

Snake: So...still talking to animals I see?

Harry: Well...only snakes really.

Snake Haven't gotten much of a life yet?

Harry: Eh, a little bit of one. I've been hearing really creepy voices in the ceiling, and some evil guy is apparently out to kill me, but other then that my life has been pretty boring

Snake: Yes, well I can relate to that, you see I-AAAAAAHHHH!suddenly is burned up

Harry: Hey! We were talking!

Severus:who casted the burning spell The snake was trying to kill a student!
Harry: Wha-? No he wasn't! He and I were having a civilized conversation!

Student: He's a parseltounge! Run for your life! He'll eat you all!

All the kids go screaming out of the great hall

Gilderoy: sigh This is what I get for holding publicity stunts...

Later in the Gryffindor Common room...

Hermione: Harry, you can talk to snakes?

Harry:sounding agitated Yes...I've been telling you two that for years!

Ron: Yeah, but we thought you were just probably making it up. Like many of the other lies about your past...

Harry: Hey, that was Dumbledore and McGonagall who made those up. NOT me

Hermione: Harry, this isn't good...if you're hearing voices and talking to snakes...

Harry: OKAY, what is WITH you people and talking to snakes? It seems like every time I start having a normal conversation with one, everybody wants to stick their foot up my ass about it!

Hermione: BECAUSE, Salazar Slytherin could talk to snakes!

Harry: So?

Hermione: It's just...a bad sign, alright? Not everybody can talk to snakes!

Harry:sarcastically Oh big whoop di doo, Ron can stand in one place for and hour without having a single thought in his head, and he happens to be the only kid in Hogwarts who can do that, and you don't see anyone else going around a making a big deal about it! And now, just because I have a gift that no one else has, except Salazar, I'm suddenly the kid everybody wants to avoid!
Hermione: They have right to avoid you! The heir to Slytherin is going to be able to open the bedchamber of secrets, talk to snakes, AAAnd, was probably going to be in Slytherin!

Harry: I don't know if you haven't noticed Hermione, but I am NOT in Slytherin!

Hermione: But the hat almost called you in there!

Harry: Oh for godaskes, it was just doing that to piss me off, because I had specifically asked not to be in Slytherin and furthermore-...wait, are you IMPLYING that I could be the heir to Slytherin?

Hermione: Well as a matter of fact I am!

Harry: And are you accusing me of ass raping Colin?

Hermione: Well you hadn't fucked me up in a while, so I thought-

Harry: HA! You're just accusing me because YOU'RE jealous!

Ron: Umm guys...the scene is dying...

Harry: Yeah...we should probably end it here, hu?

Ron: That would probably be wise...

Harry: OKAY Emma and Rupert, you have officially pissed me off! Now, I'm going to storm dramatically off stage! Good riddance!storms dramatically off, until we hear the sound of crashing I'm...okay! Damn...does there have to be so many DAMN CAMERAS?

Later at study hall...

Harry and the rest of the kids are studying. Every time he looks up, some kid is staring at him

Harry:irritated, stands up OKAY, THAT'S IT! I am studying elsewhere, because for some reason you people just can't stop staring at my ass!storms out of the hall

Some random kid yelling at Harry: Slytherin heir!

Just then a cupcake gets thrown from the room, and hits Harry in the head

Harry:yelling at the kids in room Oh, who THROWS a cupcake, HONESTLY?