It has been a week since the funeral. Seven days had passed and Elizabeth still felt this pressing feeling on her chest, as if she had an invisible magnet clinging onto her heart. Sleep has avoided her and in return she avoided almost every meal. It was a bad exchange. Carson's loss had affected her a great deal, but she buried herself in work as she always did when there was a situation she didn't want to face. It was hard enough to see the other members of her team mourning but slowly getting back to the normal life, a life as normal as life could be on Atlantis.
Nobody saw how much she suffered, nobody saw how deep the loosing of this particular friend hurt her, nobody saw the blame she put on herself. She acted normal around other people, reserved, diplomatic, in perfect control of her emotions and feelings. Even in the moments where she was alone in her quarter or on the balcony she didn't let herself feel too much.
Work was the only thing where she felt she could make a difference, where she felt under control.
On this evening, seven days after the funeral, which had been one of the hardest she had ever attended, Mike Branton asked her out again, she had agreed of getting dinner with him. She heard that someone was at the door and opened, of course it was Mike. Was it that late already? He looked handsome as he always did, that for sure she couldn't deny, but there was something in her mind that couldn't be chased away.
"Good evening", he said with a smile, swiftly checking out her outfit, which was the same as she had worn all day. "Are you ready?"
Elizabeth looked down at herself, and then shot a look at Mike who leaned at the door frame.
She sighed internally. "I am sorry", she began. "But I don't think this is a good idea."
He didn't seem surprised, on the contrary he had a look on his face as if he had expected this. He lifted his eyebrows. "Why not?", he asked.
Elizabeth didn't want to justify herself, she didn't need to justify herself, but she owed him an explanation. "I have work to do and..."
"Doctor Weir, you have always work to do", he interrupted and touched her shoulder. Her body stiffened and if he had noticed he didn't reacted to that.
"I know", she admitted. "That's what this is, my job. It's a full time job. There is no such thing as no work."
"That's only one more reason for you to get some dinner with some nice company. Come on, this will be fun! You seem like you could need a break." He put his hand on her back and tried to push her into the corridor.
She took a step away, back into her quarter, although she liked him she disapproved of his attitude in this moment.
"Mike, I am truly sorry", she said, eying at him. "I don't think this would work out. You are a very handsome and caring man, you deserve someone who won't turn you down and who is willing to stop working to spend time with you, someone who appreciates your time."
His expression changed, she could see that he understood that this was her final decision. But the sparkle in his eyes came back just a second later. "Alright", he said. "But I want you to know that I will be waiting and if some day you have a free hour you can call me and… I will stop working immediately."
He smiled and even the corners of Elizabeth's lips tugged up for a small smile. "Thank you. I will keep it in mind."
He understood that this was the moment to go, but he decided to lean down to her to brush her cheek with his lips. "Don't strain yourself too much", he whispered in her ear and one moment later he was gone.
For a few seconds Elizabeth stood alone in the frame of her door, looking at his retreating back and shaking her head. He was a nice man indeed, but she would never make him happy, nor would she be happy with him.
Elizabeth didn't know that the conversation with Mike had been overheard and overseen by someone. Someone who did notice her being sleep deprived and her avoidance of taking meals. Someone who was worried about her behavior and who cared about her well being.
Elizabeth had just retreated on the balcony, gazing over the beautiful city of Atlantis when she heard again that there was someone at her door.
Expecting Mike not giving up to persuade her to go on a date with him she opened and said: "Doctor, I was being serious..." She stopped at the moment when she realized that it was John Sheppard who stood in front of her.
He raised his eyebrows and looked behind here. "Who were you expecting?"
"Nobody. I thought for a moment, you were… never mind", she said shaking her head.
"Branton?", John asked with a look she couldn't make out what it meant.
She kept calm, as always and tried not to show any emotions. "How did you know?"
"Oh, I saw him just walking down the hallway on my way here and thought he might have had the same idea as I had." Was it jealousy she saw in his eyes? It was hard to decrypt the looks in his eyes sometimes.
"And what idea would that be?", Elizabeth asked, raising one eyebrow.
"I wanted to see if you are alright", John said, examining her thoroughly.
Her eyes narrowed when she saw how is eyes wandered down her entire body and went back to her face. "I am fine, Colonel, thank you for asking." It was the only answer anyone would ever hear.
He crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned against the frame, on the left side, not on the right as Mike had done. She could tell that he didn't believe her.
"If there isn't anything else, would you please excuse me, I have work to do." She took her tablet from a small table and made her way to the door, but he didn't move away, so he was blocking the door. She raised her eyebrow again. "Colonel, please step out of the way." She wasn't in the mood for a discussion.
"It is 2330 hours, you are not going to work now", he told her in a very resolute tone.
Elizabeth couldn't believe what he just said. "Excuse me?"
He made a step forward and the door closed behind him, he stood very close to her, for one moment she inhaled his earthy scent, the scent she liked so much, but then she took a step back to bring an appropriate distance between them. "Maybe nobody of the others noticed but I know you very good by now, Elizabeth. I know what is going on here."
"So?", she asked, tightening her shoulders. "And what would that be?"
"You feel responsible for what happened to Carson. You are burying yourself in work so you don't have to think about it, face the fact that there was nothing that you could have done to prevent hs death. You are avoiding to face the truth that he is truly gone and that you can't change that. I don't know how but I think you haven't slept in the last week and… oh yeah right, there was not one time where I have seen you eating something."
She stared at him for a moment. He had learned to read her in the last three years. He knew her better than everyone in the city, although they didn't spend so much time outside work together. She thought her walls she built up around herself were better, she thought she could shut everyone out of her thoughts and her emotions. Obviously she had to work on that.
"I appreciate your concern", she said in her normal, diplomatic voice. "Yes, the loss of Carson is not easy to overcome for all of us, but we can't stop our work here. He is not the first member of this expedition I… we have lost, and we all have to cope with that. But I don't think it would be in Carson's interest to lay everything aside."
"Neither would it be if you had a burnout", John said determined.
These words almost made her smile sarcastically. "Don't worry, Colonel, I have been in situations like this before. You can be sure that this is not going to happen."
She tried to walk past John, but he stopped her by putting a hand on her arm. She loved the touch of his hands even if it was through the fabric of her jacket, it was firm and warm, somehow reassuring. She snapped out of these thoughts and shot him a look.
"John. I know what I can take. This is nothing unusual for me."
That was a lie. A big, big lie. It was unusual, she didn't know how long she could handle it anymore, but she had to figure her way out of this alone. This was her command, her expedition, and she had to cope with anything that came up.
He let go of her, she nodded thankfully and made her way to the door which opened automatically.
"You are not the only one, you know?", John said, looking at her when she turned around.
Her eyes narrowed, where was he heading at?
"You are not the only person here who misses Carson and thinks that if you had done something different he could still be alive", John added now, leaning against the wall.
She dropped her gaze because she couldn't bear looking into his eyes. "It doesn't make a difference", she murmured.
"And that's where you're wrong", John said, pacing into her direction, the door had closed again. "It does make the difference because we all know how you feel and it wouldn't be a shame to talk with someone about that." He looked her right into her eyes, they stood so close together she could see every fiber of his hazel, somewhat greenish iris. "Please", he said with real worry in his voice. "Please talk to Dr. Heightmeyer or Teyla or… me."
Her heart skipped a beat when he said the last word, he seemed to notice a change in her expression too. "I mean...", he said and took a small step back. "I was just… I'm just a person as good as everybody." He avoided her eyes and to her own surprise she missed the look immediately. She had to get herself together and not dreaming away over the military head of her expedition.
Since she didn't answer - now words came into her normally so eloquent mind - he continued. "Just talk so someone. Anyone. I am offering myself as a friend. Because you make me really worried. You should take more care of yourself."
That was enough. "John, listen carefully", she said with a small touch of anger in her voice. "I am perfectly able to take care of myself. As much as I appreciate your caring it is in the wrong place here. Now would you please excuse me, my office is waiting."
With those words she left for her office, her tablet pressed against her chest and having a troubled mind.
Elizabeth worked until late at night. Her body cried for sleep, but she knew that her mind wouldn't let it happen so instead of going to bed she took a break to get some coffee in the mess. The whole city seemed asleep as she walked through the silent corridors, the only noise was the faint sound of the sea, water splashing on the piers of the city. Atlantis. It had become her home in the last years, she felt more home than she ever did on earth which was ironic because it was located in another galaxy.. Her lips curled into a smile, and she swiftly touched the walls when passing by. She knew that there were still a lot of people on their feet, working, experimenting, keeping watch, but the greater part was fast asleep.
She entered the deserted mess and made herself a coffee, thank god they brought a coffee maker to Atlantis, in times like these, coffee was the only power behind her. The sounds of the machine echoed in the high walls, but she knew that nobody would hear it, there were no quarters near the cafeteria.
On her way back to her office, her always cold hands holding the cup of coffee, her mind fell back to the conversation she had had earlier that night. John offered her to talk to him. There was nothing else she would like more than to do that exactly thing, but she couldn't bring herself to do it. They had not this kind of relation. Or did they? Elizabeth often felt unconfident when thinking about him, of course she didn't show it to anyone and John would be the last person she would show that. John seemed hurt when she left him there standing in her quarter and the worry had grown in his eyes.
Even if she did talk to him, what was she supposed to tell him? Should she tell him about the guilt she felt about all the people she had already lost? About how hard it was to be the commander of this expedition, about how lonely she felt, here, among all those people.
It was true though, she felt lonely most of the time. As a solitary leader it was not easy to establish friendships with members of the crew, at least not friendships as one would imagine. It was not appropriate to go to game or movie evenings, or just sit together and talk. Every time Elizabeth joined a conversation the people changed in their behavior, they became more reserved, more cautious of what they said, they were not at ease anymore.
Elizabeth of course knew the reason for that. It was because they all saw the "boss" in her that was all, and she could understand it. Still it would be nice to just have a casual conversation with a friend sometimes.
She chose this role herself, she had known what was coming, she had known what she burden she laid onto herself, but she didn't expect that the loneliness would become so big.
She was so deep into her thoughts that she didn't notice where her legs had led her. Irritated she looked around. Three years in this city and it was still possible to get lost. She was positive that she was near to some quarters, but which ones? To her delight she saw a transporter at the end of the hallway and made her way for it.
She suddenly heard a voice calling her name behind her. She whirled around and detected John, leaning with one arm in the door frame of his quarter. She could see his Johnny-Cash-poster over the bed that looked like it had already been used tonight. "What are you doing here?"
Elizabeth looked in her cup of coffee. "I..." She shook her had and a smile flew over her lips. "I got lost", she finally admitted and lifted her gaze to John who doubtfully studied at her.
"Well, you should go back to bed. Or at least finally go to bed", he added with a movement of his hand at her clothes.
He raised her eyebrow. "I am a grown woman, Colonel, it's been quite some time since someone tried to send me to bed." Her smile faded as she saw the earnest look at his face.
"Alright", she gave in. "You won't see me again until the morning."
"It already is morning", John said and a look at her watch told Elizabeth that it was almost 4.30 in the morning.
She looked up again. "See you later, John", she said in her calm, reassuring voice and stepped into the transporter.
A few minutes later she was in her quarters where she changed her clothes and lay down on her bed. As expected, her mind was wide awake fighting her body which ached for sleep. Carson would give her some pills that would make her sleep.
It suddenly hit her like a wraith stunner. Carson would never give her anything again, Carson was not anymore. He was gone, left her, left Atlantis, left this world. The next moment she sat upright in her bed, knees pulled to her chest, her arms around her legs and shivering. Tears walled up inside of her, she suppressed them as always. She haven't cried in a long, long time and it never occurred to her that this would be the moment where she would spill tears again.
She blinked several times to make the tears go away and it worked. The shivering stayed. The pressing in her chest stayed too. She laid her forehead on her knees and tried to breathe deep and slow. 'Breathe', Simon had told her a long time ago after some miserable negotiations.
She suddenly remembered meeting herself ten thousand years old. It had been a unique experience to meet someone who was basically herself. The Old Elizabeth had told her some valuable things she already knew she was doing, but never admitting to herself, and she knew that slowly were destroying herself.
For example she had said: 'Stop being so damn hard on yourself'. She had also told her, to go for things. 'Go for the things you love and you care about. Go for things you never thought you would go for. Show the persons you care about your feelings, let them in, let them read you…' At this moment John had appeared in the infirmary and the Old Elizabeth had cast the Young Elizabeth a meaningful look.
She had never done it. She had never told John how she felt about him. It would destroy everything, their friendship, their view to each other, maybe her whole work. Or would it?
The door opened and made Elizabeth jump out of the bed. Who the hell came into the quarter at this time of the night?
"What in gods name are you doing her?", she hissed at John, of course it was John, who else should it be? She was still trembling, and she felt immediately bad for how she greeted him. "I'm… I'm sorry", she said turning away, trying to keep her breath and body under control. Once again she felt tears walling up and closed the eyes. Not here, not now, she told herself. She couldn't remember the last time she cried in front of another person.
She didn't know how he made his way to her without making a noise, but she felt his warm hands gently turning her around, so she would look at him. She kept her eyes closed and her head down but when she felt his hand beneath her chin she didn't have a choice but to look up. His eyes had a warm, comforting look.
"Why did you come?", she whispered. She was afraid that if she spoke any louder he could hear the tears.
"I had a feeling", he replied, and gently stroke her arm.
She didn't know what came upon her but she leaned forward and rested her head on his shoulder. She felt his warm breath brushing her cheek, his strong arms enfolding around her, his tender hands, one on her back, the other on the back of her head, just holding her, comforting her.
She closed her eyes and felt her body relaxing, only a bit. It felt so good being held, so good being held by him, the man she had become to love over the years. The love haven't been there from the beginning, affection, yes, but the love had grown over time. Each day a little bigger, each day a little stronger. Did he know? Did he feel the same way?
And what about Carson? Did she ever tell him how grateful she was having him on her team, how grateful she was for his friendship, for his caring, his unconditional love to help people? Now it was too late, she would never have the chance to tell him all those things.
She felt a tear slipping out under her closed eyes, but she chose not to move, maybe John wouldn't notice it if she didn't act. But of course he did, he detected the impalpable change in her breathing that happened when one cried. She felt his hand who had been resting on the back of her head for the last minutes on her cheek and with one finger he brushed the tear away, wiping it on his shirt.
She freed herself from the embrace and buried her face in her hands. She was ashamed that she had let herself go like this, that he saw her like this. She turned her back to him and brushed over her face, trying to hold the tears back.
"Do you want me to go?", he asked. When she didn't respond she heard his slow retreat, but before he had reached the door she heard herself saying one word: "No."
She heard him coming to a halt. "I don't want you to go", she said, turning around, her expressions unmoved but her inside racing . "I mean… I would like you to stay."
He nodded but didn't move from where he stood. Suddenly her breath became shallow, she felt dizzy, but she forced herself to keep the control over herself. It didn't work, her knees became weak, and she thought she would fall to the ground but before that could happen he was at her side, catching her fall, lifting her up and laying her carefully on the bed.
She was grateful that he didn't try to make her go to the infirmary or worse, call a doctor. He knew her well enough to know that she would not approve it.
Her eyes where closed but her hand were searching for his. Almost tender he took her hand into his and made small circles on the back of her hand. Again there was this reassuring sensation only he could gave her.
After a while she had the feeling that she could open her eyes again. He was watching her, watching every movement of her body and her face.
She shot him one look full of gratitude and appreciation and shifted a little bit to the side. It was an unmissable invitation for him to settle down beside her and to her delight he did it without consideration.
A moment later he lay on his side next to her pulling the cover upon both of them. She rolled on the side too and as he finished tugging the cover around them he placed on hand on her hip pulling her closer to him. He could see the sparkling in his eyes and it made her smile. She laid one hand on his chest and felt his heartbeat, twice the speed as usual, through the fabric of his black shirt. It filled her with fondness to see that his body showed the same reaction as hers. She put one arm around him and moved as close as possible to his warm body. She felt his big hand on her back and felt as if she were in the safest spot in the whole world. The trembling faded but her hands were still cold. Without thinking about it or asking for permission she shoved his shirt up for a few inches and slid her hand beneath it to feel the warm and comforting feeling of his skin beneath her fingers. She felt him shiver a bit and whispered "I'm sorry", but not pulling back her hand.
"Don't you ever be sorry about something like that, Liz", he whispered back and kissed her lightly on the forehead before he settled his head down on the pillow.
Elizabeth didn't know what made her happier, the sentence he just said, the way he had called her in the end or the feeling of his tender lips on her forehead. Either way, her body was flooded with a wave of warm feelings and a few moments later, sleep had found her.
I hope you liked this little Sparky story :) I had a lot of fun writing this fanfiction. English is not my first language so please excuse the flaws and some clumpsy expressions. I would be happy to read some reviews, things you liked, things you disliked, just tell me what you think :)
Thanks for reading!