This is a bad idea. My first fan fiction - and it's a weird 'un!
This may have (MUST have!) been done before but I don't shiv a git :) It's quite possibly the worst thing I've ever written - very OOC - but enjoy!
No offence intended, I love Merlin fiction myself!
T'is one fine and sunny day in the legendary world of Camelot, and a certain raven haired hand servant is strolling through the ancient halls of the castle, blissfully unaware of the terrible fate that awaits him...
ARTHUR: Merlin.
MERLIN: Oh hi Arthur, I'm just taking your laundry to be -
Arthur sticks his leg out. Merlin falls.
MERLIN: Hey! What did you do that for you prat?
ARTHUR: It's obvious isn't it? I'm being sexily obnoxious of course.
MERLIN: I heartily disagree with one part of that statement you jackass.
ARTHUR: The obnoxious part? Oh Mer-Mer, I knew you'd return my affections!
Arthur proceeds to haul Merlin up into a clumsy, impassioned embrace. He sucks face until Marlin shoves him away, startled and very confused.
MERLIN: What are you doing?
ARTHUR: Oh, of course you're right. I'm a Prince and you're a manservant. We are but men. Our love can never be!
Arthur's eyes fill with tears. Merlin is alarmed.
MERLIN: Hey now, well don't cry about it... This is a joke right?
ARTHUR: Fine! Reject me then. Maybe I'll go find comfort in the arms of Gwen. Or Morgana. Or Gaius. Or the dragon. Maybe all four. I'm a sex machine rawr!
Merlin is very alarmed.
MERLIN: I think you do need to see Gaius... Not like that!
ARTHUR: Why don't you love me? How can you do this to me... and our baby?
MERLIN: What? How is that even possible?
ARTHUR: I didn't say the birth was easy...
MERLIN: *is appalled by mental imagery*
ARTHUR: And now that you have rejected me and our love, I have no choice but to HATE YOU! I'm going to meet up with my dear friend Mordred and plot your downfall mwhahahahaa!
Merlin proceeds to back away slowly from the manically laughing Prince with his hands held up in fear. He rounds the corner and who should he run into?
GWEN: Merlin!
MERLIN: Oh Gwen! Arthur's gone wrong!
GWEN: What? Are you okay? You look ever so flushed. Here, have some flowers.
She thrusts a bunch into his arms.
MERLIN: What? No Gwen, we have to find Gaius.
GWEN: Of course, you know I'd grant you anything... ANYTHING.
MERLIN: Umm okay, well I need you -
GWEN: Mmm I'm so glad to hear you say that. Let's make babies manly man!
MERLIN: *groans* *Not you too!
GWEN: Of course I'm just joking. I'm saving myself for Morgana...
Merlin chokes on his own spit and severely crushes several innocent flowers.
MERLIN: Gah! Not listening, not listening!
GWEN: Let's get drunk and weep over the prince we both love, but cannot have.
MERLIN: Don't touch me!
GWEN: Oh alright, must dash anyway, I'm supposed to be meeting Arthur *wink-wink* if you get my drift.
MERLIN: I don't want to! And I thought you were saving yourself for -
GWEN: See both you boys later right?
MERLIN: STOP WINKING AT ME!
She dreamily walks off into the distance calling:
GWEN: Lancelot my darling? Come save me from my impending loveless marriage...
Now shivering with fear and impending dread, Merlin bangs his head against the wall to remove the disturbing images.
MORGANA: Er, Merlin, what are you doing?
MERLIN: Cost effective therapy.
MORGANA: Well don't. I have custody of my EVIIIL son today, don't screw it up.
MERLIN: *makes a noise that is not phonetically spellable... something along the lines of waaaaahuh?*
MORGANA: Oh I believe you've met Mordred?
MERLIN: Not that asshole!
MORGANA: How dare you! My magical mojo's better then yours - lets have a duel biyotch.
MERLIN: What you gonna do, throw your nightmares at me? And how did you know -
MORGANA: I have to find Uther my master, for a little bondage fun. Byyyyyyeeee!
Struggling not to vomit, Merlin runs to the main hall and almost collides with the person he least wants to see.
UTHER: Off with your head foul wizard!
MERLIN: Who are you, The Queen of Hearts?
UTHER: No, I am your Watcher. You are the Chosen one, one girl alone to fight against vampires, demons and the forces of-
MERLIN: THAT'S THE WRONG SHOW!
UTHER: Interrupt me will you? I'll teach you some manners.
Pulls out cattle prod.
MERLIN: Don't you dare!
UTHER: Stocks?
MERLIN: Only if there's a beheading so I can escape this torment.
UTHER: Deal!
Merlin is swiftly dragged away towards the stocks for his public execution. They pass a worried Gaius on the way.
GAIUS: I don't belieeeeve it.
Oh, like you thought he wasn't going to say it?
MERLIN: Oh bite me.
FINI!
So what do you think? Hang on, what you going with that straight jacket?