Later in the hallway...

Hermione a.k.a Snape is walking arm and arm with Harry and Ron down the hallway. She's dressed as a pimp. Yeah, long cane, fur coat, gold jewelry, feather hat the works

Harry: Great plan, Hermione...since when was Snape a pimp? And what if he sees us walking down the hallway?

Hermione: Don't worry...he's off snogging with Professor Trelawney right now, so he shouldn't be in the hallways for a while.

Suddenly Percy appeared down the hallway

Percy: Professor Snape?

Hermione: Yes, it's me...well what are you looking at, carrot top?

Percy: Eh...eh...nothing, just...I never knew you were...

Hermione: A pimp king? Yes...a potions master by day...pimp king by night. Now do you want to do buisness, or not?

Percy: Wha- what? I should say not!

Hermione: Then piss off! I've got buisness to do!She moves him out of the way to get through with her cane, and walks on, leaving Percy dumbfounded

Then, Draco comes down the hallway

Draco: Professor...?

Hermione: Mister Malfoy...having a pleasant evening?

Draco: Uh...yes, I suppose...

Hermione: Would you like me to make it better? Maybe we could go to the Slytherin Common Room, and I could have my whores feel you over until you reveal deep secrets about the Bed Chamber of Secrets!

Draco: Okay...sounds cool...

In the Slytherin Common Room...

As the three enter behind Draco, Harry whispers to Hermione

Harry: So, what exactly do you want us to do with him?

Hermione: Whatever it takes to get answers

Ron: What!

Hermione: Okay, I had a feeling you two would object to some things, so I'm willing to bribe you with a very embarrassing candid home video of Lucius Malfoy drunk.

Harry: Really? Cool! Okay, you're the pimp, tell us what to do
Hermione: Are you sure? What if Draco wants to feel your leg?

Harry: I'll let him

Hermione: What if he wants to 'feel all over you'?

Ron: I'll let him

Hermione: What if he wants to snog?

Harry: I'll let him

Hermione: What if he wants to-

Harry: Believe me, you don't want to know how far I'll go

Hermione: Okay, then let's go

Hermione sat down on a couch facing Draco, while Ron and Harry sat on either side of him

Hermione: Now Draco, I have some questions

Draco:begins feeling up Harry's leg Sure...whatever...

Hermione: Okay, what do you know about the Bed Chamber Of Secrets?

Draco: Well, I know that Potter definitely isn't the heir to Slytherin. And come on, he doesn't have a big enough dong to be ass raping people. He is so overrated

Harry: My dong is 7 inches long, for your info! And that is pretty damn good for a 12 yr old!

Draco looks at Harry strangely, and removes his hand from Harry's leg

Hermione: Eh...don't mind her...she's just a little tired from work last night...hallucinations you know...anyway, so Potter's not the one behind this?

Draco: No...but I expected you'd know this Professor
Hermione: Malfoy, you know that no one tells me anything anymore

Draco: True...

Hermione: So, you must have some idea who's behind it all?

Draco: No...dad refuses to tell me...but I do know whoever it is, is out to rape the mudbloods.

Hermione: How do you know that?

Draco: Because, this has happened before. 50 years ago as a matter of fact. Except the murderer or creature apparently raped both men and women...until one mudblood girl died of AIDS. As for me, I hope the next one is Granger

No one responds. Harry looks expectantly at Ron, and then gasps, when he sees that Ron is eating a live frog

Draco:glances at Ron Umm...what is that...?

Ron: Frog. Want some?

Draco: Uhh...no thank you.

Suddenly Harry notices that Hermione is growing her hair back

Harry:whispering Hermione...hair!

Hermione notices that Harry is getting his scar back

Hermione:whispering Harry...scar!

Hermione and Harry look at Ron, who's growing back his dumbo ears

Hermione and Harry:whispering Ron...ears!

Draco: Is there something wrong?
Ron: No...we just have to be somewhere...uhmm...bye now!

Ron, Harry and Hermione leap up and stumble out of the Common Room

Later, inside the restroom, and fully changed into their usual selves...

Hermione: Okay, well that was the crappiest excuse, Ron. But given the circumstances of the situation, I'll spare you the lecture

Ron: Yay!

(And this has been the shortest, crappiest scene ever, but given the circumstances, Cheo hope you will spare Cheo the lecture)

Later, in the hallway...

Ron and Harry are walking up the stairs

Ron: Harry...why are we going up these stairs? I just relised we're not exactly going anywhere...

Harry: Hey, it's a Saturday. We're allowed to roam aimlessly for no apparent reason on the staircase

Ron: Look Harry...a big puddle of water coming from some unknown source!

Harry: Let's run heedlessly towards the source!

Ron: Heedlessly it is!

The two follow the puddle, and it leads them to the girls bathroom, where Bitching Myrtle is whining, crying, and bitching up a storm

Harry: Oh god, does that bitch ever shut up?

Myrtle: Have you both come to throw things at me?
Harry: Uhm...not really. We just came to see why the restroom was flooded

Myrtle: Nobody ever comes to see Bitching Myrtle! I'm worth nothing, the world sucks!

Harry: Okay, whatever...notices a diary Is this yours?

Myrtle: No, someone threw it at me...because everyone hates me!

Ron and Harry run out of the restroom

Myrtle: Wait! I wasn't finished bitching! No one cares what I have to say!

Later...

Harry is looking at the journal

Harry: What could this all mean? It has to have something to do with The bed Chamber of Secrets, otherwise this scene wouldn't have made it to the final version of the movie!

Harry writes down a greeting

Diary:writes back Hello Horny Pothead. I'm Tom Riddle

Harry:writes down No...my name is...never mind. Do you know anything about the Bed Chamber of Secrets?

Tom Riddle: Oh...you want to know about...'that'?

Harry: Yes, can you tell me anything?

Tom Riddle: Oh no...but I can show you...let me take you back 50 years ago...

So the book does a little flipping of the pages thing, and then it seems to swallow Harry in. They do a really cheap scene of Harry floating, with a swirling background behind him. This scene looks really shitty and cheap, mainly because of the obviousness the actor playing Harry is in front of a green screen, on wires creating the floating affect, and acting as if he were being tossed around

Harry then is thrown into 1950 or possibly 1940's version of Hogwarts, that is made to look to him like an old black and white movie(a/n: which is a cute touch, if I do say so myself)

Harry: Whoa...black and white...dude, I feel retro 40s

Harry looks on a high staircase, and notices a boy standing at the top

Harry: Tom...Riddle? Is that you?

The boy ignores him. Harry begins dancing around him wildly, trying to get his attention. When he's still ignored, Harry starts singing like Michael Jackson, and sliding on polished floor in his socks.

The boy ignores him

Harry tries one last effort, by beginning to flirt with the guy, and saying really homosexual things. He is still ignored

Harry: Funny...that usually gets their attention...

At the very top of the steps, a few people appear carrying a covered stretcher. Harry notices a hand flop out from underneath the stretcher

Guy carrying stretcher: Oopsputs hand back You both were supposed to tie her down!

Guy2: Oh, our bad. Hey, you might want to not shake the stretcher too much then. We wouldn't want 'anybody' falling...

Tom goes up to meet a younger Dumbledore at the top of the step, who's in his young, early 100's

Tom: I suspect the girl is dead?

Dumbledore: Yes, she died of AIDS. Right after giving birth to a boy!

Tom's eyes shift nervously
Tom: Oh, she did? Umm...who's going to be the guardians?

Dumbeldore: Oh, a nice young couple who live in Whales. But, we'd appreciate it if you kept that little detail under wraps. Her real parents don't know about her child, and don't need to find out...we just lucked out this time and didn't get sued...

Tom still looks around nervously

Dumbledore: Now Tom, is there anything you want to tell me? Like...who or what might be doing this perhaps?

long dramatic pause

Tom: No sir, nothing

Dumbledore: Are you sure?

longer dramatic pause

Tom: Okay well, I may have been partially responsible for...for the meatloaf uprising in the great hall last Friday

Dumbledore: That's better Tom

Tom: Well, I was going to tell you eventually, but you seemed concerned with this problem and I didn't want to bother you...

Dumbledore: No, no Tom, you should always tell me the...'truth'

Tom looks around more nervously

Tom: Well there's ah...some place...I have to be...

Dumbledore: Where do you have to be?

Tom: You know...that...place with the...guy...and...the...umm...thing?

Dumbledore stares expectantly and impatiently at him
Tom: Well...yeah...I got to be there...like...now...so...bye now!

Tom scurries away. Dumbledore sighs

Dumbledore:sigh I should really just get to the point when asking questions like that

Tom runs down hallway

Tom: Hee hee hee...once again the clever Tom Riddle tricks a professor! Now...to frame someone else...

Harry: So it was Tom all along!

Tom then goes up to a door, and opens it revealing Hagrid

Tom: Rubes! What are you doing?

Harry: Who's Rubeus? Oh...yeah...Hagrid's real name...

Hagrid: Tom! I was just playing with my overgrown tarantula!

Tom: Yes...well...I'm going to have to expel you for doing so!

Hagrid: Why? I've always snuck off in this same room to play with my beasts. I've never been expelled for it before...

Tom: Yes...well...you're being expelled anywayz...because...I said! And because I'm going to blame you for 'The Bed Chamber Of Secrets' catastrophe!

Hagrid:...what? I never have the time to get any, even if it is raping. You all know I spend half my life in this room, playing with my animals

Tom: Well...if you were expelled...you'd get more time to play with your animals!

Hagrid: Hey...that's not a bad idea...I wasn't ever going to amount to anything anyway

Harry:smiles, and shakes his head And he never has
Tom: Very well then...you're expelled!

Harry begins getting pulled back, and he yells for dramatic affect;

Harry: HAAAAGGGGGRRRRIIIDDD!

Is thrown out of the book, back to the desk he was at before

Harry: Whoa...some night...I'm tired...falls asleep at the desk