How to get a girl
Chapter one: Opening the book
"And this actually works? This book is supposed to actually get you girls? Harper, fuck off."
"Eh, sorry Alex. I wanted to get you something better but I forgot my money for the subway and had to improvise. So, I got you a handbook on how to get girls."
"I asked you to buy me a scientific calculator, Harper? In what world do you live in that you confuse 'calculator' with 'a handbook on how to get laid?'"
"Ok, ok. You caught me. I was actually going to get it for me. When I saw that I took the manual on how to get girls I decided to give it to you instead. I mean you an-"
"No."
"Oh, com-"
"No."
"Just give me the ticket and I'll return the damn book." Harper looks at me uneasy.
"You lost the ticket didn't you?" Harper nods and I smack the book into her face from a distance."
"How the hell am I going to pretend that I didn't just copy from you on the damn test? You don't even know how much I hate you right now."
"Oh, come on Alex it's not that bad. I mean it looks like a really good book and it's not like you even have a girlfriend right now."
"I need to pass Algebra 2, you hear me? I need to pass the damn class. Now I actually have to study the damn book. You know girls as dumb as you make me heterosexual." At this Harper pouts. "Stop with the damn Freddy Krueger face you dumbass."
"You know what? Whatever. This is the reason why Miley dumped your ass anyways." That bitch.
"You did not just say that."
"Yes, actually. I did just say that. This is the reason why Miley left you; because you you never actually showed her you cared for her, you are so rude and you ignored her in school. and believe me or not but even I know how to treat a girl a billion times better than you do. Maybe you need that manual more than you thought." Rushing out the door Harper 'trips' on my rug. "AND MAGIC IS WEIRD!"
Motherfucker. That's what she is; an evil motherfucker. how fucking dare she bring Miley up? She knows i prohibited the sole mention of her name around me. Why, you think?
Well let's start from scratch. Who really is Miley Ray Stewart? Well she is as a matter of fact the girl who convinced me that men and I are like water and crude oil. Black and white. I met Miley in the seventh grade in Spanish class. She had just transferred from Tennessee and instantly won my friendship.
Miley was honest, sweet, passionate, a great listener and a fun spontaneous loon. The girl could barely stand still for a few seconds she had billions of friends in only few days. I started liking Miley in the ninth grade. After having a big fight with my boyfriend I broke up with him. When she asked me if it was final I just laughed and said 'no.'
Tears streamed out of her eyes and she told me she had deep feelings for me. At the time I didn't know what to do and pushed her away when she kissed me. About two days later Miley started acting differently and got a 'boyfriend;' Oliver. It was actually all a plot to make me jealous.
I asked Miley to be my girlfriend and we dated for two years and three days. According to her looking at me solely was the worst mistake she's ever made. I am the worst girlfriend she's ever had and my favorite; 'you are the worst thing that's ever happened to the gay community.'
The reason we broke up is because I sometimes am very jealous. I can be a little bit possessive, I'll admit it. I just didn't know how to handle a girl like Miley who in reality is a great person but...I guess I'm just not made for her or something.
That must be it because I tried so hard to change my bitchiness for her but I guess I sucked at that too. Miley though now has a girlfriend; Lily. She's a nice girl really. I just can't like her. As much as I try I can't hate her either. She's just there. Miley has recently tried to talk to me.
Whether it's a simple 'hello,' or just a smile I always end up the same way; begging her to take me back. Imploring her to do so. 'I can change.' Miley only looks at me with those gorgeous blue eyes and stays shut. I'll spend hours crying and she'll tell me the same set of words.
'Come on, I'll take you home.'
This is the last time I fall asleep at three in the morning watching porn. Can I help it, though? The last time I got some was a LONG time ago. I miss Miley's touch so much. Dreams can only go so far and I always end up doing the same thing.
I walk in late for the fourth time this week. I spot Mitchie in her spot next to the back window. As always the only chair available is the one next to her. Not that I'm complaining at all ; the girl is simply gorgeous. Sure she might just be a little bit emo, but for some reason I only find that more attractive.
Harper on the other hand finds her creepy. She once went to her house and Mitchie literally said nothing while working on a project they had together.
Harper is too exaggerated though, and she swears she's funny. Mitchie turns my way and gives me a shy smile I grin back and she just turns back to her paper. What the fuck? What the hell was that? Jesus, if I weren't a girl myself I'd do some sort of evil plan to kill every single girl on earth.
Whatever, I'll just fail my damn test and that's it. When my test reaches my desk I immediately start bullshitting it. I'm the last to finish even though I'm not even trying to actually work on it because I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
"Ok, I'm, going to pass out report cards right now." Damn. Why do I always have to get grounded? Normally I wouldn't care but mom said she'd cut back my allowance and give me more chores. I can't take more chores!
I've never seen this report card. Ever.
As I stand up Mr. Williams stops me.
"Alex, this is the second quarter, and you have a 59.52 'D.' I recommend you actually trying to do your work in this class and going over the information won't kill you." I leave his classroom without saying a word. At least I have lunch to look forward to.
"Yeah...he is, isn't he?" I hear a familiar giggle. For the love of god, damn it. Miley is sitting with us again. She looks up and smiles. My bipolar side kicks in and rolls my eyes leaving her and the rest behind. I am not in the mood to stand with Miley's cute and adorable flirting.
Or whatever the hell it is. Every time she opens her mouth I think she's flirting. Gosh where the hell do I go now? I don't feel like talking to anyone. I'm supposed to be making up a bunch of tests. Well that's not going to happen.
The only place where I don't know anyone is the library because of the nerdy and freaky people that go there. From kids that still play Yugioh! To girls that wear makeup everywhere they have skin.
As soon as I walk in I see the different people. And I say 'different' because I don't want to call them loons or psycho motherfuckers. The only available table is occupied by…Mitchie? What the hell? See, girl this is the reason people think she's kinda emo.
To me she's just hot. Who really cares what she does in her spare time right? Whether its fisting, scissors or cutting herself with a scissor she'll still look hot in my eyes. I walk towards her slowly. Emo girls must be so easy. All I'd have to do is tell her I cut myself too or something like that.
I sit next to her and she looks up from her notebook. Ugh, poems. She writes emo poems? Gross. Last time I tried to write a poem was so long ago. I think it went something like…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I hate being a virgin.
I hate poems. And Mrs. Skiffington who gave me an 'F' for all my hard work.
I'm about to open my mouth when strides out of the library. She must have drank some sort of her laxative because I've never seen someone speed-walk so fast. Then I catch a glimpse of who makes her way to me. Miley. Fine then, I guess I'll just-
"Don't you dare move." I drop my bag. "Look, I know you know I dumped Lilly."
"Wha-" She did?
"And I know you think that now that we're over I'll get back with you." Ok…? "I know you have feelings for me and I won't blame you since we were together for a pretty long time and…" she presses her hand on her brow. "I kind of can't…I'm not over us, Alex, ok? I'm just really confused and you trying to get back with me and insisting isn't helping. I think it's about time we move on." What?
"We?"
"Ok, you Alex. I…I know this is coming a little bitchy but get over me, I want a break from it all, from you. I want us to just be like before we were together. I just want to be your friend. If these feelings for you just stay here I'll just get back together with y-"
"So wait. You're putting me on hold? On pause. Well fuck me sideways."
"See? See? You Always overreact. I can't tell yo-"
"Fine so you think you can call domino's pizza and be like; 'I want a cheese lover's, stuffed crust pizza with bacon and a sprite gallon but I'm not hungry right now. Whenever I feel like eating I'll go pick it up.'"
"It's not like that Alex. You make it sound like I'm using you which I'm not. And that example doesn't even make sense."
"What, of course not. Did I make it sound like that? I'm sorry." I whisper sarcastically. "I mean it's not like about two years ago cried in my room and told me you loved me made this psycho plan show me how much I loved you, made me prove it to you on your birthday even though I was scared only two humiliate me a few months later, accuse me of being a nervous wreck when you flirted with Lilly, my friend, After your cute little crush gave you the time of the day you destroyed me, Miley, broke my heart and dumped me like if I'm a piece of shit. Wait no, the whole damn cake of shit with doo-doo frosting and ca-ca sprinkles. I can't even get girls guess why? NOBODY WANTS TO EAT SHIT." The Yugioh! Cards are resting on the tables ignored.
"Wait, you're blaming me because you can't get girls? How the hell is that my fault? You know what, fuck it. I don't care if I really did make you look like shit, I want you to stop. And I mean it, shitcake." At this I'm about to throw a table at her when I see Mitchie's notebook. I pick it up and storm out of the library.
What's in this thing anyways. As if from a James bond movie I crawl out the library, book in hand and just when I'm about to enter the girl's room the bell rings. What the hell? That was so not an hour lunch. That was so not an hour lunch! I make my way to my third period. Two hours in Algebra two. I wish I was with the slow people and not have to take this class with a teacher who apparently woke up one morning and decided to take math as his major.
I fucking hate you Mr. Otero. One of the worst things about this class is that I have Miley in it. The odds of that, eh? Just when I'm in such a pissy mood I have a class with the biggest bitch in the world.
Miley who usually sits next to me still had the nerve to join our desks together.
"Look I'm sorry about that in the library."
"…" She taps her pencil on my hands in that cute way she did when I first met her.
Why can't this class be like a normal class where you actually do some work? We actually spend fifteen minutes of the class time doing work and then we spend the rest hour and forty-five minutes doing whatever we want. Whether it's sleeping or talking, or sleeping and then sleeping some more we could do whatever we want.
"I'm serious, Alex. Look, I'll make it up to you, k?" Unless this mean you laying in my bed naked then no thanks.
"…"
"How about some ice-cream?"
"You better get me about five cones." And there goes my self-control. Miley hugs me whilst I feel her smirk on my shoulder.
"That's ok with me."
I love the smell of cookie dough and vanilla. Creamy vanilla clumps on Miley's tongue I can see when she laughs. I haven't even said a word and the table shakes with her 'giggles.' If this rum raisin ice-cream wasn't so delicious I would stab her. That and the fact that I'm not armed right now.
"Can you stop being so serious?" I show her my teeth as if in the dentist. That's my fake smile. She rolls her eyes at this. No one ever believes it, except for my dentist. "I got you ice creeeam." She bites off the side of the cone and I look at where mine is supposed to be except that I already ate it. Damn. "I'll get you another one." She stands and I do too.
"No, I'm actually. I was just about to leave." She creases her brows.
"What? Alex. We've only--" I swiftly turn to leave for the door when my eyes lock on the person entering the scene. Mitchie. Before I can react I feel Miley's hands on my arm. Ow, bitch. I'm dragged back to the table while I fixate on Mitchie behind the counter. On the other hand, the girl barely showed any emotion when she saw me. "You're staying here, Alex."
"Fine, but I want another damn ice-cream." He hands me her card and I gladly think of buying me an outrageous Sundae. I look up to see Mitchie in an apron.
"Welcome to baskin-- What do you want?" I flinch.
"Uh, one outrageous sundae, plea--"
"You're number 30." She rushes and I look around.
"uh, there's only five people in here." I smile and her face stay frozen.
"Please take a seat." I nod, making my way back to Miley. Well, she is so not into me. Oh, right her diary. Let me go return it.
I turn around and I'm knocked off my spirits with a glare. That rude bitch. Well, you know what know I'm not giving it back. And I'm going to read it. Well, I was anyways, but now I'll…read it twice.
"Nice service here, eh?" I chuckle and this time she the indifferent one. That damn Mitchie. I mean it's not like she's that hot.
Don't ask me how she even got this far. Don't even try and ask how she convinced me to let her in. But she did. I try to make my muscles move but they go in the wrong direction. To her ass.
I feel her smile against my lips and my eyes go backwards. Her teeth rubbing back and forth on my bottom lip tantalizing.
"Is your mother coming anything soon?" I shake my head.
"Aunt Clarice…weekend…shopp--" I stop my incoherent blabbing when I feel Miley's hands on my private skin. Seconds later her fingers cave inside me.
I remember Sundays at church…
'Sex before marriage is such an insult to our families that it should be ILLEGAL.'
Now I understand why he said this. It think it's because of the feeling at the pit of your stomach you get when you wake up after giving yourself to the person you love and you discover she isn't there. That for the past 2 and a half minute you've been molesting your pillow.
Maybe I should start believing in what pastor Ramon believed. Well if you leave out the molesting the nuns at church part. Or maybe it's something else, someone else I need to make me feel or not make me feel what I do for Miley. She obviously is using me. Like someone uses an orange squeezing all of its juices and throwing the rest on the trash bin. I want my juices back!
I stumble out of my bed and slam my face on the floor. Look who left their underwear here. Miley Stewart. I turn to the clock and see it's 10:55. Shit. I am so late for school. Shit.
What kind of mother do I ha-- Oh right, she's out with Aunt Clarice. That bitch. Dad is probably still sleeping.
I'm out of the house in five. I barely brushed my teeth. Took a cold one minute shower and put on a plain v-neck with some skinnies. I remember that I have absolutely no gas money and slap myself on the face. Opening my car I try to find some money for the subway. Shit I'm so late!
"Damn, where's my money?" I run my hand through my hair, annoyed. Bending down I hear the honking of a horn. I lift my head up to find a young brunette male smirking towards my direction.
I smile even wider than the boy and sprint towards him. Nate is one of those guy friends who you truly love. I could spend every living second with his guy and I know he'd never leave me.
"What are you doing here? Don't you have school or something?' I give him a confused smiled.
"Aren't you also supposed to be in school? Oh and I woke up late." He signals me to get closer to the car. I run around the vehicle and climb in. He hands me a bag of McDonalds. I almost faint. I am so hungry.
"I love you." I squeal and wrap my arms around his torso. "How did you know I was here though?" I ask peeking in the bag.
"Pfft, there is no way that you'll wake up early on a Saturday."
"What?" Saturday? Shit! I forgot to turn off my alarm last night. This is the second time this happens. "Bull crap." I let my head fall against the headboard.
"Heh, can I come in? I don't really feel like going out. It's only…11. On the dot." I nod and he parks in the garage.
I force Nate to carry me up the stairs and leave me on my bed.
"I hate waking up early. Why are you up?" He yawns and drops on the bed.
"Went to sleep at six yesterday. Woke up an hour ago." I unwrap my Sausage McMuffin and destroy half of it. "Calm down there Godzilla. You know I got you like four of those. I know your Saturday appetite."
"I only see one." How dare he lie to me with food? He knows how delicate I am when it comes to my Saturday appetite.
"Oh, well I left the other bags in the car. I had to carry your obese ass." I crawl inside my sheets ignoring his comment. He leaves out of the room and I feel something against my right leg. Pulling it out I notice that it's that book Harper ripped me off with.
"How to get a girl." I snarl and flip through the book stopping at a random page.
Don't always do what you think women expect. A bunch of flowers is nice but too often is 'old hat' these days.
"I'll give that bitch a piece of gum." Is this a joke book or a dating book? I keep on reading searching for some more punch lines.
You're probably thinking " I'll give her something alright." My response to this is. This is the reason you're looking at this book in the first place, loser.
What kind of book is this is in the first place?
"Got 'em…woah. You can read?" I flick him off and steal the bag from him.
"Handbook on how to get a girl. What the fuck?" Nate giggles in the girliest way. "What's wrong with you? If you needed help you would have asked the master."
"For your information, I didn't buy this. Harper did. Beside, it's kinda funny. " Nate takes the book from me and starts impersonating Dr. Phil.
"Chapter one: Meeting the bitch." My eyes open large. God, I may just keep this. I sit next to Nate scanning the book.
I know you skipped the introduction, asshole, so I'll repeat again. My name you don't need to have. All you need are my techniques because obviously your lame moves aren't working on the bitch of your dreams.
"It's like he's talking to me."
If you really want to get her then you'll do what ever the hell you read in this manual. Even if it says to stab your mother, you shall do so. But unless she owes me money I won't ask such a thing.
Let's move on. Meeting the bitch. Let's just call this girl you're crushing on…Cassie. Beautiful Cassie. I suppose you really like her tits or something I mean I would never read this book. Anyways before I give you any advice let me just clear things up. Cassie is a bitch. All Cassie's are bipolar bitches. But Cassie has something you want and you'll get it god damn it.
The first step to Dating Cassie is getting to know Cassie. If you already know her then you are lame. Why aren't you between her legs already? That was a joke. Let's suppose Cassie doesn't know you exist. That is a problem. You have to advertise yourself like a fucking Pepsi, bitch. First thing you do when you see Cassie you are going to go up to her and make her buy your damn soft drink.
This is how you're going to do it.
Step 1: Make friends with Cassie's friend. ( If she doesn't have any then that's even better) You can directly start to advertise.
Step 2: When I mean advertise I mean ADVERTISE. How are you going to advertise looking like shit? Don't try too hard though. If you normally look like shit then she'll know you're into her. You don't want her to directly know you're into her. It's kind of like Wal-Mart versus a popup. Who actually buys anything from popup? Those annoying little things that just come out of nowhere when you're watching bootleg porn. Whenever someone want something he'll just go to Wal-Mart and get it people just ignore pop-ups. They are obtrusive and annoying. Also, women are confusing so the only way to get thought them is by confusing them too. Don't show her you like her so much.
4. Find a way for her to talk to you. For HER to talk to YOU. Whether its emptying her tires only to help her repair them later…make her need you.
"Pfft, this book is shit." Nate rips the thing from my hand. I want cake. Birthday cake.
"Actually, it's kinda smart. Rude…but smart. It's not like you aren't rude in the first place." I face the boy.
"See giving people glares is rude. Whatever, I need a laugh once in a while…I'll take it." I laugh obnoxiously.
"Yeah right, ho. That piece of tree cost me money. I'm selling that to Justin."
"He's probably got a chemical formula to attract women, he won't buy your book." I roll my eyes and yawn. My body knows it needs to be napping right now. "S'okay dude. I'm kinda sleepy too." Nate turns over to his side and drifts off to sleep faster than I do.
I wake up to giggles. Momentarily there would be a "Hush, she's gonna wake up," but the command would only be ignored. I hold on to my pillow hanging by a thread to my sleep but holding strong. I make all types of efforts but I finally give up.
"What the fuuuuuuck." I moan out rising my body to a sitting position. My eyes feel heavy but I know it won't sleep further.
"Shut up you 'annoying piece of heaven.'"
"What? Nate if you are waking me up to play me one of those corny ass songs that guitar will find it's way to the inside of your testicles."
"Relax, Alex. Or should I say Allie?" Justin always kills all of the jokes even if it wasn't funny. He always ruins it.
"Why are you calling me that?" I snatch the opened notebook from his grip. And he played baseball. He can't even throw out the garbage past seven. "what the hell is this?"
The notebook is a normal cow-stained cover with a less than average quality paper. Mitchie Torres. Oh, this is Mitchie's journal. What kind of embarrassing stuff does she have here? I flip trough the paper unceremoniously.
Why does no one understand what Mr. Otero is talking about? It's not even the language barrier. I'm fluent in Italian, Spanish and English. He just doesn't know how to teach. LOLx, Alex is like "Well here we are…trying to learn again. Failing miserably." She can be so obnoxious sometimes and I hate that. Why can't she just shut up??? She's always costing us extra homework which she doesn't do anyway.
"This is what's so funny? We all knew she doesn't like me, that ho." I try to put the notebook on the bed when Justin hands it back to me.
"Or did we?"
Cheating? What the hell is wrong with Alex? Why would she cheat off of Harper? That girl could wear a whole dress made of calculators and she still wouldn't know what 'pi ' is. I can't imagine how dumb she is. I don't want to imagine. I guess you can' t change her. Either you like her the way she is or you don't like her at all.
I prefer to do both. I like her. I don't like her. When she's far away, hanging with her friends I only think about her. I think of those tight skinnies and the plain v-neck. Her lips munching on her pen while she drifts away listening to her mp3 player. Yet, when she's next to me I feel like grabbing her face and use her as a plunger at a 7-eleven .
"What the hell?" What the hell is wrong with her? "I know I'm not the most pleasant person in the world but…a plunger?"
"You're totally missing the whole point. She's crushing on you, dumbass."
"Why else would she dedicate an entire page to you? Trust me I never did that." He truly never was a romantic guy.
"Nate…she does not like me. You should see how she looks at me. At lunch I went to sit with her and she literally stormed off. She wants to use me as a plunger!" I use my hands as emphasis making all sorts of radical movements.
"'I like her, I don't like her.' Nick tries to make a deep emo voice imitating Mitchie. "See she just confessed that she likes you. She just hates you too."
"What the hell am I supposed to do? Toss a damn coin?" I personally don't want to go begging her to go out with me. I already have Miley eating my brains out. I don't want another girl thinking she can do what she wants with me.
"Actually," Nate holds the book as if it were some glorious instrument. "I think…we should try and test this thing out. What could we loose?"
You know what is sooooo funny? I have to finish a lot of stories but reviews, whether you like it or not is what keeps my updates so review, review anonymously and tell your friends. I'll update faster. I'll promise I'll work on it everyday. I really like this story.