A/N: I never really write angst. But I thought thatI would give it a shot. This includes character death...let me know what you think? a
First came her delicate laugh and then the echo of the bullet striking through her skull. Her face displayed a blank expression, and a trace of a small smile of surprise curving up the edges her rose lips, and a blanket of red splattering over his shirt. The rest was slightly blurred, as her hysterical scream rose above the others, her limp body dropping to the floor; like a rock sinking to the pitless dark blue ocean, entombed in a world of silence and darkness, forever to wait in it's place slowly decaying. Everything began to gradually speed up as her body convulsed and the scarlet liquid maintained its pace and gushed out, continuing to splash his shirt.
"Kate!" He screamed, his voice terrified, and his eyes fluttered open and closed, trying to block out the gory image playing out in front of him, his dark eyelashes desperately trying to shield him from the horror that lied within his soul. There she was. One whom was once alive merely five minutes ago, was now laying in front of him, frozen stiff, her skin already taking on a deathly pale shade. Her veins were now becoming fully visible as she laid motionless in an awkward position; her legs tangled over the legs of the chair which she was sat at in the precinct.
Castles hands flew to the sides of his throbbing temples as he watched Javi shake her roughly. He held the ability make out words but nothing made sense to him, nothing registered. Then a pair of crystallised brown eyes levelled with his and he roughly threw his hands into his blood stained lap.
"She's gone, Castle." His throat sounded clogged up, and he had turned slightly pale as he stood next to her, who he thought of as a sister. His words coaxed Castle's mind out of it's prison, as the sound-proof barriers were lowered, and he managed to understand the words that left his lips.
"Don't just stand there, Javi!" He pleaded, "Do something!"
"She's dead." His voice was dry, and you could detect the element of force that he had to put against those words to get them to leave his throat.
"She's dead, Castle." His words were softer this time, and he turned around, running out, sprinting after the man wearing the FBI uniform.
As Castle turned back to Kate, his heart throbbed. Her tangled curls that framed the left side of her face were stained with crimson blood, that teasing expression that could melt the hardest of hearts had dissolved and was now blank. Her hazel eyes that sparkled when you spoke to her and her serious attitude when you told her your problems were now dull and none existent.
She had slipped through his hands like grains of sand and here he stood helpless. His head levelled with hers, as her cold lifeless hazel eyes bore into his, her mouth ajar as if laughing silently at him. Her brown bangs had formed a curtain around her eyes, the only glimpse of her once beautiful eyes, behind shades of hair that would no longer be brushed back by caring hands. All he can feel is guilt. Its all guilt and it filled him to the brim. The sound of shouting and the oceans waves lulled his mind into the seducing embrace, only to let him lift his head when it had all ceased. He could hear the ocean cry out in protest and pain, roaring and screaming. And leaning down, he kissed her harshly, while she stayed frozen in his grasp. He wanted it to be real, but she couldn't join in the fantasy. She was gone. He wrapped both arms around her, hoping that with time, she'd come around and feel the same way. Even though he understood that he would never feel the response to his kisses by her soft lips. He also understood that he would never hear her gentle voice, or her soft breath against his neck as she slept against his chest. But just because he understood it, it didn't necessarily mean that he accepted it.
So, he simply sat there. Cradling a lifeless Katherine Houghton Beckett in his arms, whispering "I love you," over and over again aware it was falling upon deaf ears while tears trickled down his pale cheeks and into her blood stained hair.
This is why, Richard Castle, found himself seated in Gages' office the following day, his eyes red and puffy.
The whole precinct was silent. There was nothing, and he felt his shoulder get tapped softly.
"Mr Castle..." And for once, Gates' voice was little. She sounded genuinely saddened, and concerned. "This...this is for you." She spoke quietly, handing him a disc case, and a remote. "Press play when you're ready...I'll give you some privacy." She spoke as she left the room, and shutting the door as softly as she possibly could.
Taking a deep breath, he pressed play. He had no idea what he was watching, and he wasnt really switched on until he heard her voice.
"Hi, so, um...I guess if you're watching this, I'm no longer with you. But I'm sitting right in front of you right now, and I'm wondering why I don't just talk to you. So, here goes. I left this video for you, because you have come to mean an incredible amount to me. When we met, you were so wonderful; everything about you took my breath away. Even though at times you were a self-centred, egotistical jackass, you were quirky, honest and full of life, I couldn't help but want be near you, like there was a magnetic field between our bodies that just wanted to gravitate towards each other...by the end of that first day, we were I was teasing you, pinching your nose and solving crimes with you. It was the night I fell in love. Thank you for that. I will carry it with me always. Thank you also, for all the late night talks we had. There was always something about the way you listened that made me feel like the only person in the world. It wasn't always bad between us. I want you to remember that. Thank you for taking an interest in learning about my career, even though I think you rather enjoyed that.
Rick, you inspired me to love my life how I wanted to live it, and not be defined by my moms murder. You inspired me to love more, to be more patient and to forgive. I forgive you for everything that you have ever made me feel, not because I'm any better than you, not because I am good but because I'm not angry anymore. You have been the greatest love of my life, and I am so glad I shared the best moments of my life with you; as well as some of the most heart breaking and life defining moments. But even in all of the pain and the hurt, there was growth. I learned to have boundaries, I learned my self-worth was more than I myself had previously allowed myself. I learned to love out loud. I learned not to wait to share my thoughts and feelings, because one day, that person may move on. I am just, in all honesty Castle, thankful that you waited for me.
I own myself today, because of you. I suppose a part of me will always love you. That's what's most amazing about love, isn't it? There's no getting it back once you give it away. Castle, thank you for being a part of my life, even for just the moments we shared. I will keep you close to my heart even though I will not be there to carry on this life wi you anymore, and hope you will do the same. Promise me you'll forgive yourself for your part in the ugly things that have transpired between us, let's not hang on to the past that isn't anything less than positive and beautiful. I come clean today so I may walk away…I hope you can do the same.
So I am basically going to say goodbye. but not forever. I know our paths will meet again, but you still have a very long and happy life ahead of you, Rick. So please, live it. I will always be there with you. I'll be your guardian angel. Your North Star. Your always. But never be afraid to date again, as long as you're happy, Castle. That is all I will ask of you; to be happy.
Until then Rick...Love you always, Kate."
As the video finished, he felt his heart pounding in his chest, tears flowing fast down his cheeks at the sound of her voice. The voice that he imagined he would never hear again, and he just stared at the screen. Taking in her beautiful face, trying to restore that image of her into his brain instead of the lifeless one which had been laying in his arms the previous night. He just wanted her. And as he sat there still in the office chair, he slid his hand into his jacket pocket, letting his hand enclose around a square velvet box. He brought it out of his pocket and opened it slowly, revealing an engagement ring that he never quite gor round to offering her.
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