A/N: Hello, fellow Seddiers! We're going back a few episodes for this fic! This takes place during iLost My Mind, but let's pretend that that isn't how it went down...just for a few minutes, I promise. ;) This is a song-fic to "Hate That I Love You" by Rihanna and Nelly. It has always reminded me of Seddie, so you should definitely check it out! Also, I apologize if there are more spelling and grammar mistakes than usual. I proof-read this at four in the morning. :) Okay, this note is much too long! On with the story!
Diclaimer: I don't own iCarly. :(
"That's how much I love you. That's how much I need you. And I can't stand you. Must everything you do make me wanna smile? Can I not like you for a while?"
The words played in Sam's mind over and over again, causing a new tear to fall every time a new note was hit. She had been listening to the song on repeat for the past three days, thinking of a certain nub the whole time. She hated how he made her feel, yet she couldn't let go. That is why she sent herself to Troubled Waters Mental Hospital, to try to release the vibes she got while being in the dork's precense. So far, it wasn't working.
She kept wondering where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing. No matter how hard she tried to keep her mind clear, he only reappeared, making her hit the play button another time. She hated him, yet she liked him. It didn't make sense, and she blamed him for it. His smile, his eyes, his voice, his motions, they all made her weak at the knees. Why did he make her feel that way? Was he trying to torture her?
"But you won't let me. You upset me, girl. And then you kiss my lips. All of a sudden I forget that I was upset. Can't remember what you did, but I hate it."
And then she went and kissed him, only adding fuel to the fire. She could still taste him on her lips as she slid her tongue across them. She couldn't remember what his face looked like as she ran away from him that night, and she didn't want to know. He was probably disgusted, outraged that she had grabbed him like that. Why would he want to kiss her after all the pain she had put him through? All the name calling and physical abuse only worked against her in the end because now she couldn't have what she truly wanted, what she had always wanted.
"You know exactly what to do so that I can't stay mad at you for too long, that's wrong. You know exactly how to touch so that I don't want to fuss and fight no more. Said I despise that I adore you."
As soon as she thought of his face, she was instantly calmed, just like always. No matter how mad or upset she was, his smile could always brighten her mood. She hated that. She hated having to depend on a nub to make her happy. Why couldn't he just be ugly? Why couldn't he put a paper bag over his head? Because she didn't want that. She wanted him to stay the same, despite how geeky he was. In fact, she adored his geekiness, only making her want him more. Again, she hated him for it.
"And I hate how much I love you, boy. I can't stand how much I need you. And I hate how much I love you, boy. But I just can't let you go. And I hate that I love you so."
That was her problem: she hated the fact that she loved him. She even had a hard time admitting it to herself. She spent so much time pretending to hate him that now she would look like a fool if she seemed the least bit interested in the nub. She didn't want to let her bad girl reputation fall, but she knew that was the only way she could get him. Surely he didn't want to date a "blonde-headed demon." Why would he possibly want to go out with the girl who caused him so much torture? He didn't, and she hated it. But she still couldn't let go.
"You completely know the power that you have, the only one that makes me laugh. Said it's not fair how you take advantage of the fact that I love you beyond the reason why. And it just ain't right."
Suddenly, she heard a soft knock on the door and knew it wasn't one of her nurses. They only knocked once very loudly before rudely entering the room, stating that they gave her enough privacy as it was. Apparently, she had a visitor, and she feared it was him. Still, she wiped her eyes before getting out of bed and opening the door.
She gasped, staring at the face in front of her. Of course it was Freddie. He was well aware of the fact that he could get her to say and do things that nobody else could. It wasn't fair how he knew he could make her cheer up instantly. It was obviously the reason why he had shown up at Troubled Waters. He was trying to make her feel better so she would come home.
"Hi," he said timidly.
"Hey," she replied. It was the first words they said to each other since she ran away.
"Can I come in?" he asked. Sam hesitated, but opened the door, motioning for him to proceed. "You doing okay?"
"No," she stated. He could feel the coldness in her voice, knowing that she didn't want to talk. Instead of furthering the conversation like he wanted to, he shut up and noticed the music playing in the room.
"I didn't know you liked Rihanna," he said quickly, trying to fill the awkward silence.
"She's okay," she replied. "Some of her songs aren't completely auto-tuned."
"And I hate how much I love you, girl. I can't stand how much I need you. And I hate how much I love you, girl. But I just can't let you go. But I hate that I love you so."
"You know," he began, "this song has always made me think of us."
Her heart stopped beating just then, and she tried to find enough oxygen to take a breath. Since she first heard the song on the radio, she considered it to be their second song. The first being "Running Away," but she didn't want to think about that then. Instead, she thought of a good way to reply.
"Why?" she finally said. Good enough.
"Listen to the lyrics, and you'll see why," he answered.
"I know the lyrics by heart!" she screamed. It was true. After hours of listening to the song on repeat, she knew every single word, even the non-important ones.
"Then I fail to believe that you don't see how it relates to us." The words flowed out of his mouth so swiftly, so she knew he meant it. He made her so mad, so the thing she did next was only an instant rection.
"One of these days maybe your magic won't affect me, and your kiss won't make me weak. But no one in this world knows me the way you know me, so you'll probably always have a spell on me."
She sang the words to him and watched his mouth drop in reply. Of course he had heard her sing before, but she had never sang to him, at least not in front of his face. Her voice was so beautiful and full of emotion. The words she sang were true of their relationship, and they both knew it. Unfortunately, neither of them were able to respond.
"That's how much I love you. That's how much I need you. That's how much I love you. As much as I need you."
"Sam," he finally said. "This whole song is us."
"I know," she whispered.
"I...love you...so much. But I hate that I do." He said the words slowly and quietly, but she still heard him loud and clear.
"Why do you hate it?" Her voice was shaky, as was her whole body. She couldn't believe they were having that conversation.
"Because..." His voice broke mid-sentence. "I know that I can't have you."
"Who says?"
"You."
"What do you mean?" Her? What did she do? She wasn't dating anyone, and she never stated that she didn't like Freddie, at least not in that way.
"You hate me," he said.
"Weren't you just giving me this speech three nights ago? About putting your feelings out there even if the person doesn't like you back?"
"Yes, but you have said you don't like me." He dropped his head, regretting ever coming to visit Sam. What had he gotten himself into? He looked at her out the corner of his eye and saw that she was trembling. He assumed it was with anger, so he prepared himself for the beating of a lifetime.
When Sam finally spoke again, it was at least three minutes later. "I've never said that I don't love you."
"No," was all he said.
"And I hate how much I love you, boy. I can't stand how much I need you. And I hate how much I love you, boy. But I just can't let you go. And I hate that I love you so."
"I hate that I love you, Freddie." Her voice broke as she started crying again.
"You don't have to hate it," he replied. And they kissed for the third time, but certainly not the last.
A/N: See that box down there? You should use it! If you're on a mobile device...see that link down there? You should click it, and then use the box! :D