Ron Solo...Ron Weasly
Princess Hermione Organa...Hermione Granger
Hagrid-macka...Rubeus Hagrid
Darth Prongs...I'm not telling! It will spoil the...er...surprise...
Renus-Wan Kenobi...Remus Lupin
Uncle Vernon...duh!
Aunt Petunia...double duh!
Dudely the Hutt...Dudely Dursely
R-Colin D-Colin...Colin Creevy
Ginny-3PO...Ginny Weasly
Govoner Malfoy...Lucious Malfoy
Emporer You-know-who...Lord Vol...::shudders::...er...You-Know-Who
Dumble-da...Albus Dumbldore
Author's Note:Just a little, stupid parody I thought up (I actually got the idea from a Daria/Star Wars crossover, but whatever...) If anyone who is a real hard-core Star Wars fan notices that I messed everything around (yes...I skipped a lot of details...I'm lazy)...I'm sorry...and you can dispute about all the characters you want. Am I missing anything? If you don't see your favorite character, worry not! He/She/It will probably surface in Episodes V, VI or I.
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or Harry Potter...don't sue me please. I wish that I was good at these things. Can I pay someone to write good disclaimer's for me?
(Blue lettering appears on the screen)
A relatively long time ago in a galaxy that's just a little on the loopy side...
(fade to black, now yellow lettering appears)
Magic Wars
Episode IV
A New Hope (if we can wrestle him away from those darn muggles...)
(cut to shot of two ships, blasting at each other...one is quickly over taken...cut to inside of over-taken ship where Ginny-3PO and R-Colin D-Colin are being thrown around by various explosions)
Ginny: Did you hear that? They've shut down the main reactor! We're done for!
(R-Colin beeps)
Ginny: The Princess will never escape! What are we going to do?
(Cut to shot of battle between the Rebels and the Imperials. The Rebel's are quickly killed off. Enter Darth Prongs...everyone backs away scared. He picks up one of the Rebel officers by the neck.)
Darth: Where are the plans you intercepted?
Rebel: We intercepted no plans...we're on a diplomatic mission.
Darth: If this is a diplomatic ship, then where is the ambassador?
(Darth Prongs squeezes harder and the Rebel falls limp. He is thrown against the wall.)
Darth: I want those plans...scour the ship...and bring any prisoners to me...ALIVE!
(Cut to shot of a back hall way. Princess Hermione Organa inserts a DVD into the DVD player installed in R-Colin. Enter Ginny-3PO)
Ginny: What do you think you're doing?
(R-Colin beeps and heads for the escape pods)
Ginny: You're not supposed to go in there! We're 'droids. They'll just melt us down and make scrap metal of us! Where's Percy when I need him?
(R-Colin whistles and beeps angrily...if that's possible)
Ginny: You're not on any mission! And don't call me that! Where were you raised...a barn? I'm not getting in there. We'll get detention. (another explosion rocks the ship) Fine...I'm coming but if we crash, I'm taking your camera away!
(Cut to a shot of another back hallway. Princess Hermione is huddled against a wall. Imperial troops find her. She fires and kills two before she is stunned and taken away. Cut to shot of a crash-landing on The Suburban England Desert)
Ginny: Ok R-Colin...give me that camera! If you hadn't been taking pictures we wouldn't have landed so badly!)
(R-Colin beeps furiously. How a 'droid with no arms can operate a camera is beyond me...this is fanfiction...give me a break!)
Ginny: Fine...go that way! And keep the stupid camera. I'm going to find a settlement and you're not!
(both 'droids storm off angrily in different directions. Cut to shot of Ginny-3PO being captured by small, gibbering things that look suspiciously like Cornish Pixies. Cut to shot of R-Colin being captured too...Cut again {am I getting cut-happy?} to shot of Number 4 Privet Drive. Pixie vehicle is parked outside with a few 'droids sitting in front)
Uncle Vernon: C'mon Harry. I haven't got all day!
Harry: I'm coming! Aunt Petunia wants a protocol 'droid.
Uncle Vernon: We'll see what we can do. (He converses with the Pixies and purchases Ginny-3PO and R-Colin) Harry! Take these two to your cupboard and clean them up.
Harry: Yes, sir.
(Cut to shot of the battle ship. Princess Hermione is being brought to Darth Prongs.)
Hermione: The Senate won't stand for this, Darth Prongs! This is a diplomatic mission!
Darth: Don't kid yourself, Princess. You weren't on any mercy mission this time...Where are those plans?
Hermione: I don't know what you're talking about. (as she hides a DVD case for "The Princess Bride" The title is crossed out and it reads "Top Secret Plans")
Darth: What have you got there?
Hermione: Nothing...
(Enter an officer)
Officer: Sir, an escape pod has been jettisoned...there were no life forms aboard.
Darth: She must have hidden the plans in the escape pod...send a detachment down to either retrieve or destroy them...as for you, Princess...you'll be coming with me (evil laughter) Muhahahahahahah...(lapse into fit of coughing)
(Cut to shot of Harry's cupboard. It looks suspiciously like a work-shop)
Harry: Make yourselves at home.
Ginny: (blushes suddenly...don't ask...) Um...ok...Sir. I'm Ginny-3PO, human-cyborgs relations, and my companion here is R-Colin D-Colin, Sir.
Harry: Harry, just call me Harry.
Ginny: All right, Sir Harry.
Harry: (laughs) just Harry. Why don't you hop in the funny smelling stuff and get cleaned up. And you, (points to R-Colin) come over here and you can get some power.
Ginny: A lubricant bath! Wonderful! I can finally get the sand out from behind my ears. Mother always used to keep us so clean!
(The 'droids do as they're told. As he cleans him, Harry stumbles across the DVD player in R-Colin)
Harry: What's this?
(R-Colin beeps)
Ginny: He says it's nothing.
(Harry fiddles around with the controls of the DVD player and a hologram shows up of Princess Hermione)
Hermione: Help me Remus-Won Kenobi. You're my only hope. Help me Remus-Won Kenobi. You're my only hope...
Harry: Who's that? She's sorta buck-toothed and ugly. Wait...is she a girl? Cool. I haven't seen a girl in ages, besides Aunt Petunia I mean.
(R-Colin beeps again)
Ginny: R-Colin says that it's a malfunction...old data that should have been deleted.
Harry: Well...if I look at her sideways she's kind of pretty, and she is a girl. It sounds like she's in trouble. R-Colin, can you play the entire message?
(R-Colin beeps angrily)
Ginny: He say's that he can't...excuse me...won't. Wait, R-Colin...what are you talking about? I'm afraid he's gone a little mad. He says that he's property of Remus-Wan Kenobi, a resident of these parts and that it's a private message for him.
Harry: I wonder if he means old Mr. Lupin...
Ginny: Excuse me, Sir Harry...but do you know of such a person?
Harry: I don't know anyone named Remus-Wan, but old Mr. Remus Lupin lives on the other side of the street. Doesn't come out much. People say his house in haunted. Uncle Vernon doesn't like me to talk to him.
Aunt Petunia: (from off screne) Harry! Hurry up and eat your dinner before I throw it away!
Harry: I'd better go eat...see what you can do about him.
(Harry exits. Ginny-3PO gets a dreamy look in her photoreceptors...I still don't know...play along with me)
Ginny: Isn't he great, R-Colin?
(R-Colin beeps)
Ginny: Of course you wouldn't like him if he didn't like you! You're not obeying orders. He's our master now. I don't think he likes you at all.
(R-Colin beeps pitifully)
Ginny: I don't like you either! You'd better stop following me around!
(Cut to shot of the dining room. Uncle Vernon is stuffing his face. Aunt Petunia is shoveling something onto a plate for Harry)
Aunt Petunia: Here, eat this...and shut up!
Harry: Um...I was wondering...can't I go to the Academy this year?
Uncle Vernon: (turns purple) NO! You can't become one of them! NEVER! Besides...no one else can do the chores around here.
Harry: (under his breath) You could...
Uncle Vernon: What did you say?
Harry: Nothing...I'm not hungry...(leaves)
Aunt Petunia: We're going to have to get rid of him sometime, or he'll escape.
Uncle Vernon: That's what I'm afraid of.
(Cut to shot of Harry's workshop. R-Colin is beeping furiously)
Harry: What's he saying?
Ginny: He says that he wants to leave and deliver this message to Remus-Won Kenobi.
Harry: Fine with me...it'll be my revenge on the Durselys...but we'll have to leave in the morning. The Pixies and other nasty things will get us.
(Cut to a shot of some storm-troopers. They are inspecting the wrecked escape-pod.)
Storm-Trooper: Look, Sir. 'Droids!
(Several other storm troopers take off their helmets. They are all girls and reveal themselves as Salmakia's friends)
Trekkie: Trekkies! Come to the Trekkie side of the FORCE! We have conventions!
DV: Wassssssssssssssssssssssssssssup? Ooohooohooohooohooohooo!!!
Ezzy: Salmakia, why do you write me into these stupid things? And why am I hanging out with these two?
(DV jumps Ezzy)
DV: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Bonsaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
Trekkie: You all are violent....
(Cut to a shot of broad daylight. Harry's landspeeder is racing along the streets of The Suburban England Desert)
Ginny: How far is this place?
Harry: Um...dunno...why don't you read the map?
(the landspeeder's engine sputters and dies)
Harry: Great...R-Colin...go see what you can do. Ginny-3PO...let's look on the map for a gas-station.
(A couple of trolls pop out of the sand and start hitting the ground with their clubs)
Harry: What the...? Trolls! Ginny-3PO, take R-Colin over that ridge...I'll try to hold them off!
(Harry tries to shoot the Trolls with an ancient looking gun. One troll hits the gun and it shatters. Harry faints.)
(Cut to shot of the Digidestined in the next soundstage. A sign labeled "Growing up-The review-less story" is hanging on the door.)
Director who looks suspiciously like Salmakia: What?...ok, idiots...wrong soundstage...
(Tai holds up a sign that says "Hi Mom!". Sora hits him with it. Joe smiles sheepishly as Mimi drags him off screen with a devilish glint in her eye, shoving the "twins", which look a lot like flower sacks, at Kari.)
Joe: What about the kids?
Mimi: Don't worry about the kids!
Cameraman who looks suspiciously like Ryan Philippe: Ok..we're going...and um...can I have your autograph Miss Drop-dead-gorgeous-director-lady-ma'am?
Director: Sure, you handsome thing...
(Cut back to Magic Wars set. Remus-Wan Kenobi uses a levitation charm to hit the trolls with their own clubs, and they pass out. He walks over to Harry, who is still unconscious. R-Colin beeps)
Remus: Hello there, my little friend. It's ok...he's not hurt...I don't think.
(R-Colin beeps and rolls over to them)
Harry: (coming to) Wha...what happened? Mr. Lupin? Oh man, am I glad to see you! (tries to sit up)
Remus: Rest easy, son. The Deserts of Suburban England are not to be traveled lightly. What brings you out here with these trolls?
Harry: This little 'droid. He claims to be property of someone named Remus-Wan Kenobi...I thought he might be a relative of yours.
Remus: Remus-Wan...now there's a name I haven't heard in a while.
Harry: You know him?
Remus: Of course I know him...he's me! I was once a Wizard Knight, same as your father.
Harry: You knew my father?
Remus: I did...he was a great piolt...and a good friend. We'd best be getting indoors...the Trolls will only stay knocked out for so long.
Harry: Ok...but we need to find Ginny-3PO. Where is she?
(R-Colin beeps sadly)
Harry: I'm going to do look over the ridge.
(Sure enough...Ginny-3PO has fallen over the ridge...her photoreceptors are dark and her arm is lying useless at her side.)
Harry: Ginny-3PO! (runs down the ridge to retrive her...he throws a few switches and her photoreceptors light up)
Ginny: Master Harry!
Harry: Ginny-3PO, we've gotta get out of here. Do you think you can stand?
Ginny: No...you'll have to go on without me!
Harry: I won't. Come on...you've got to stand...
(Cut to shot of the inside of the Remus-Won Kenobi's house)
Harry: (tweaking with a switch in Ginny-3PO's back) Almost finished...there!
Ginny: Thank you, Sir.
Remus: Come here, young Harry. I have something to give you.
Harry: What's up with all your belittling expressions? Little frien, young Harry, son....A Present? For me? Oh wow! The Dursley's never give me anything! What is it?
Remus: Your father's wandsaber...(Remus hands Harry the handgrip of a lightsaber, Harry turns it on) The weapon of a Wizard Knight. An elegant weapon, requires more skill than a blaster. It is for those who are...a cut above.
Harry: How did my father die?
Remus: A young wizard...by the name of Darth Prongs. He betrayed and murdered your father. He was a pupil of mine before he turned to evil...
Harry: (downcast) oh...Mr. Lupin...Let's see what that message was that R-Colin had. I think it might be important, and it's from a GIRL! R-Colin, come over here.
(R-Colin beeps once and rolls over to Harry and Remus. The DVD players casts a hologram of Princess Hermione.)
Hermione: Remus-Wan Kenobi. Years ago you fought with my father in the Muggle Wars. He now is in need of your aid again. I wished to ask for your help in person, but my ship was attacked by the Empire. Please come to Alderan. I have hidden the plans to the Empire's space station in this R-Colin unit. My father will know how to retrieve them. Help me, Remus-Won Kenobi. You're my only hope.
(The hologram fades)
Harry: Yeah...I was right. She IS ugly, but she's still a Princess. Can I come to Alderan with you?
Remus: I didn't even ask you to come yet! The script says you're supposed to not want to go. You have an obligation to your uncle.
Harry: He doesn't need me! If he did ANY work the place would still run. They treat me like dirt! I sleep in a cupboard! I'm coming with you!
Remus: These young actors...Very well...To Mos London!
(Cut to a shot of the Suburban England Desert. Remus, Harry and the two 'droids are cruising along in Harry's landspeeder...does anyone know where I can get one of those?)
Remus: Look, Harry! Smoke...let's go that way!
Harry: I don't see anything but ok.
(Cut to shot of the smoldering Pixie vehicle. Dead Pixies and 'droid parts are everywhere)
Harry: Must have been trolls. They're the only ones stupid enough to want to attack Pixies. They don't scavenge anything worth stealing.
Remus: Look closer, my young friend. These blast points are too accurate for Trolls. Come to think of it, Trolls don't have blasters. And these tracks are far too small. I'm guessing it was the Empire.
Harry: What would the Empire want with Pixies?
(Remus motions to the 'droids)
Harry: Do you think they traced them back to Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia?
Remus: Have you even READ the script?
Harry: All right! They're dead! (does a victory dance) Who bumped my Uncle off? Whoo Whoo Whoo!
Remus: No period of mourning?
Harry: Hell no!
Remus: You don't even want to go back to Number 4, fall on the ground and have a dramatic crying scene?
Harry: No way!
Remus: (shrugs) Fine then.
(Cut to shot of Mos London. It looks like regular London except it's in the Desert, and there's a bunch of high-tech space junk floating around.)
Remus: Mos London. Never shall you find a more wretched hole of scum and villainy.
(Insert completely pointless montage sequence of 'droids, cars, creatures, people in funky costumes, various role-players and fanfiction authors waving at the camera. Harry's landspeeder pulls up to a blockade made by Imperials)
Storm Trooper: How long have you have these two 'droids?
Harry: (lying) A couple seasons, I guess.
Remus: They're up for sale if you want them. The price is right.
Storm Trooper: Can I see your identification?
(Remus whips out his wandsaber and casts a Confunderous charm)
Remus: You don't need to see his identification.
Storm Trooper: We don't need to see his identification.
Remus: These aren't the 'droids we're looking for.
Storm Trooper: These aren't the 'droids we're looking for.
Remus: Move along.
Storm Trooper: Move along, move along.
(Cut to a shot of a shabby looking building labeled "The Leaky Cauldron Cantina")
Harry: We're going to find a pilot who can take us to Alderan here?
Remus: Of course! Many good pilots hang around here, but watch your step. This place can be a little rough.
(Cut to shot of inside "The Leaky Cauldron Cantina"...for sound effects go to www.cowdance.com doodoodoodoodo...Various aliens are hanging around)
Bar Tender: Hey! We don't serve their kind here!
Harry: What?
Bar Tender: You're 'droids! They'll have to wait outside.
Harry: Why don't you two go and wait by the speeder. We don't want any trouble.
Ginny: That's fine, Master Harry. Come along, R-Colin
(Remus has disappeared into the crowd. Harry sits down at the bar and orders a butterbeer. Pansy Parkinson taps him on the shoulder.)
Pansy: I don't like you! (She flashes a fashionable "Potter REALLY stinks" badge.)
Harry: Er...I'm sorry about that.
(Millicent Bullstrode walks up behind Pansy and grunts something)
Pansy: She doesn't like you either! (pulls out a blaster)
Remus: This little one isn't worth the trouble.
Harry: I'm not that little!
Remus: (to Pansy) Come, let me buy you something.
(Millicent pulls out a blaster and tries to shoot Remus. He eliminates both Slytherins quickly with his wandsaber but in the struggle, Harry is throw backwards into a table.)
Harry: I'm all right. Thanks for asking.
Remus: (ignoring Harry's comment) Come. This is Hagrid-Macka. He's the first mate on a ship that might suit our needs.
(Cut to shot of Ron Solo sitting in a booth drinking a butterbeer and building a card-house out of a pack of Exploding Snap. Hagrid-Macka leads Harry and Remus to him.)
Ron: Ron Solo, captain of the Millennium Anglia. Haggie tells me that you need my ship.
Remus: That's correct. If it's a fast ship.
Ron: What? You've never heard of the Anglia?
Remus: Should I have?
Ron: It's the ship that flew into the Womping Willow at Hogwarts! It was loose in the Forbidden Forest for like three years, with all the nasty, gigantic spiders running around. It's fast enough for you, old man. What's the cargo?
Remus: No cargo, just passengers. Myself, the boy, two 'droids, and no questions asked.
Ron: No questions? Some kind of local trouble?
Remus: Let's just say we'd like to avoid any imperial entanglements.
Ron: Now's that a real trick. We'd better leave ASAP. Docking bay 94, half an hour. Oh, and what are you going to pay me?
Remus: 2,000 up front and the rest when we reach Alderan.
Ron: So that's where we're going. How much is "the rest"?
Remus: Depends on how much we can get.
Ron: Got yourselves a deal. I need any money I can get. Mum wants to send Percy to some resort planet, and I need some new shoes.
Remus: Half an hour then?
Ron: Right.
(Remus and Harry leave, just as a bounty hunter who is played by one of Dudley the Hutt's friends)
Bounty Hunter: (in some odd language that requires subtitles) So, Solo. I've found you. Dudley isn't pleased.
Ron: Relax. I've got your money.
Bounty Hunter: Give it to me. I might not kill you.
Ron: I don't have it with me. Listen...I've got a charter to Alderan. I can pay Dudley back, plus a little extra.
Bounty Hunter: Dudley doesn't want to wait. He would rather have your ship.
Ron: Over my dead body.
Bounty Hunter: That's the idea.
(Ron shoots the bounty hunter dead and leaves the "Leaky Cauldron Cantina" He shows up again at Docking Bay 94 as Dudley the Hutt and several of his friends enter)
Dudley: (in Hutteese) Captain Solo! Where is my money?
Ron: I've got it. I'll pay you back after I take this kid and an old man to Alderan. They're gonna pay me a bundle.
Dudley: All right, Solo. But I NEED that money soon. If you don't get it to me, I'll just have to kill you.
Ron: Fair enough.
(Dudley exits as Harry and Remus enter)
Harry: We're going up in space in THAT? It's a flying piece of crap, if it flies at all!
Ron: She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts kid.
Harry: You know, you're my age. Why are you calling me kid?
Ron: (to Remus) He hasn't read the script?
Remus: Couldn't make him.
Ron: What is this world coming to? Oh well, all aboard! We'd better get out of here if we want to be in Alderan before dark.
(Cut to inside the Death Star. Princess Hermione is cowering in her Cell while Darth Prongs and Governor Malfoy stand there and look scary.)
Hermione: I won't talk! You can't make me!
Darth: We have ways of making you talk.
Hermione: No you don't!
Darth: Bring in the...HOUSE ELVES!
Hermione: House elves? No! Don't they get sick leave and pensions? What about payment! They're wearing tea-towels! Someone get them proper clothes!
Darth: And we won't let you do any homework.
Hermione: But I'll be so behind when I get back to school! You're a bad man Darth Prongs!