A Dull Monochrome
These things don't usually deserve to be written down—not even to have a pen trying to write about it, hovering over paper wondering how to start off—but when someone touches you this much and gives you butterflies that much times in one day, then it does.
Two ruby eyes are to a thousand emotions. One face is to a million butterflies in my stomach. A few words from his mouth are to about a couple hundred degrees hot enough to melt me. But one love is to one—and that's how it ought to be... Isn't it?
One must truly understand this guy, Natsume, however. He isn't our simple boy next door, or classmate who strikes people with his smile or humor. He can be mysterious and cold but gentle and caring at the same time- that's what's so hard to understand about him sometimes.
He disorients me, you see. That's the reason why when we're together, I can't seem to think, we end up bored, just lying under a tree.
When we're together.
Are we together?
The path to answering that question might be a little vague and complicated, but the answer will be a straight one, I assure you.
He's no prince, I can tell you that, and he's no knight in shining armor, either, not even the brightest face around here, but he makes me feel like he is—like he's my prince on a white horse, a knight with a sword in hand, that handsome someone that every girl waits for.
Whenever I'm sitting alone, be it in a cafe, in class or just somewhere anywhere, I often look up, for no particular reason but to just look up... I see him... every single time. What surprises me even more is that, believe me or not, he's looking back.
I meant that last sentence both literally and figuratively. I need not explain.
This is going nowhere. This "love" we have—or at least I think we have—for each other, isn't going anywhere. It doesn't mean anything; it isn't making sense. It has the sad profundity equal to five quarters of a coffee bean.
Do forget the last statement, this melancholic feeling I can't seem to escape is slowly devouring me.
Melancholy. The hot, painful, cruel path that love puts us through.
Sad.
Lonely.
Depressed.
Angry?
Alone.
What? I don't even know.
What this is putting me through—what he puts me trough—isn't taking me anywhere. He disorients me, he confuses me, and he drives me to my edgiest, steepest, most dangerous limits. Even I don't know what I meant right there, sue me, Mr. Literature Critic, if you're reading.
He's changed me. I don't know how, but he has.
There's a rub to this though. It's all too complicated; I don't even know where to begin.
How about "he doesn't love me back"?
That's right. He doesn't. I mean, maybe he does, but there's this loud thumping noise pounding in my ears, in my head, replacing my heartbeat with a loud "No. He. Does. Not." louder and louder every time.
Thump. No. Thump. He. Thump. Does. Thump. Not. Thump. Thump. Thump. No. Thump. No. Thump. NO. Thump. NO! Thump.
It deafens me, it hurts me, it burns, and it leaves me here, alone with scars from what everyone calls the effects of "being led on".
But that was the past. Who am I to have the guts to return to a love that we all thought had left years ago?
That's not the only thing that bothers me, really.
This is starting to get uninteresting, stop reading if you must, but in the end you wouldn't know what happened.
Anyway, we had this complicated relationship, Natsume and I, and worse came to worst, something happened. And although he'd promised that he would protect me, his best friend, was the one who came to rescue—on a white horse, in bright shining armor with a sword in hand if that's what you want me to say.
Now look at me, not having anyone sensible to talk to about this, except a stack of paper—bound together by a hard orange cover—I call my diary.
A few minutes from now, once I finish writing all this down, I'm going to be sitting a few inches away from you, staring at your peachy orange cover waiting for you to magically open up and spit out some wizard who can help me with a swish and flick of his wand, or maybe Peter Pan who can fly me off to a place where I don't have to worry about anything except pirates trying to shoot us down from the sky with their cannons—or, you know, maybe just a guidance counselor or therapist I can talk to, I don't know.
I just want someone to talk to. Someone I can pour all these emotions out on.
We used to lie on the grass together, underneath a tree we claimed as ours. Wrong words were said, eyes were deceived, no feelings were changed, but he thought wrong. He mistakenly thought I was with his best friend. I wasn't. What I felt for Ruka was nothing more than I felt for him, nowhere close even.
That night that we danced… Such a vague memory, yet vivid at times, I don't understand, I don't completely remember why I did what I did.
I ran away. I was weak and I was afraid to show it. So I ran. I was gone for two years, believe it or not. I went home to my grandpa and took care of him. (And believe me, even after I borrowed some of Hotaru's stuff [without permission, if you must know], running away from the academy wasn't at all easier than the first time I tried when I was ten.
When I came back today, I can't say I wasn't glad to see my friends again, but when I saw him, I just left. I ran again. But this time, just to my room. My room that hasn't been opened for a couple years—I stole all the spare keys to this room when I left, I don't know why, I guess I didn't want people to worry too much (right, like that would work).
Natsume had a key though. I don't know why he never used it to get in, or at least help my friends get in, I guess~
"What—?" Mikan immediately put her pen down when she saw something on her dusty bedside table. She got up from her bed. She was wearing a white tank top and pink and white polka dotted pajama pants.
Her bare feet tried to tolerate the piercing cold floor as she reached out for the gold key that had gathered dust on the wooden lamp table—it was the spare key she'd given to Natsume years ago, and right next to it were two dark, limp things, she couldn't tell what it was at first.
She took the delicate things in her hands and realized what it was the second one of it slowly broke. They were her old ribbons, the ribbons she used to keep her hair up in pigtails.
She remembered the night they danced again. They talked under their tree, a little while after that he burned the ribbons off her hair. "Can't be a little girl forever…" She repeated his words to herself as a tear ran down her cheek.
"Well, here I am, all grown up." She took a glance at the mirror and took a quick look at herself. She'd dyed her hair a shade darker and she never once wore her hair up in pigtails since then.
She changed her clothes to a simple shirt and jeans and wore her sandals. She carefully took the ribbons and slowly put them in her pocket, making sure they didn't crumble any more than they did earlier.
Mikan left her room and headed to one of the special star rooms a floor below. She knew she and Natsume needed closure, but maybe that's not what she wanted. Maybe, just maybe, she also just wanted time away from him to clear her mind, and maybe later on see if they could try to make their relationship work again. Maybe not.
Whatever it was, she needed to decide before she talked to him.
She wasn't angry at all, she just couldn't take it. Sure, Ruka saved her life that one time and she still could've been with Natsume, but the boy thought wrong and his best friend with the love of his life smiling together tore him apart, Mikan knew that. She just hated how negatively he reacted to everything. So yes, maybe she was mad, but that never changed how she felt for him.
Two years away form all this, and the sadness still filled her. It felt as if it would never pass. It weighed her down so much she could've sworn she'd lost a part of herself, her smiles weren't as warm as the ones she used to give, and the look in her eyes wasn't as uplifting as it used to be.
She saw how her friends looked at her when she came back. They looked more horrified than worried. They steered away from her instead of showing excitement for her return. She didn't mind though, she did, but she shrugged it off, she wasn't at all blind to the reasons, but she couldn't help but be what she was now. She wasn't rebelling, nor was she being "emo", she just did it, she didn't understand why or how come, but she somehow just did, if that made sense at all.
'Nothing even makes sense now.' She thought, now only several meters away from his door… 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, she was there. What now?
'What now?' She knocked, so lightly even she could hardly hear it. No answer. She knocked again, this time a little louder, but still not loud at all. His scent lingered in her memory and was made vivid by the light smell of him loitering by his doorstep.
Maybe she wasn't ready for this.
She turned around, took one step. Had second thoughts, turned around and faced the wooden door once again. She lifted her hand and knocked. This time louder.
"The door's open." She heard him say through the walls. Usually his door was locked, and he'd have to get up from whatever he was doing (more often than not, reading his manga) just to open the door and see face to face whomever it was who dared to disturb him. It was different tonight though.
Mikan heard light sounds from the roof, it had started raining and it felt as if the sky shared her sorrow.
After a minute-long hesitation, Mikan reached for the doorknob and twisted it. Weird, it seemed as if someone had helped her open the door. And it was so, when the door pulled itself open, it revealed a tall, dark-haired, ruby-eyed boy.
"Oh" was the first sound to break the silence Mikan failed to predict would be much longer and more awkward.
"What?" She knew what he'd said, but 'what was that all about?'
"I mean I wasn't expecting… you… to…" His voice trailed off as his stare pierced into the beautiful brown eyes they both knew he missed.
"Look, Natsume, I think we need to talk." She waved off and ignored his failure to put his thoughts into words and decided she wanted to get this over with.
"Oh… Uhm…" He looked behind her, left to right across the corridors. He seemed to be making sure no one was there—possibly making sure that someone wasn't there. Mikan ignored it and waited for his reply. "Sure, uh… You could come in."
Should she? Did she want to? Did she even have to? It would only take a few statements to end it all, but she ended up with an "OK."
It had been a long time since she last stepped into that room. It hadn't changed, but something seemed different. It wasn't the furniture, not the color, it hadn't gotten bigger, and it definitely didn't smell anywhere close to different. It was Natsume. She was so sure of that. Or at least she wanted to think she was sure of that.
"You've changed." He said from behind her as he shut the door and, surprisingly, locked it.
He'd read her mind. That was exactly what she wanted to say to him right then for no reason at all but to say it.
"Thanks to you." She whispered to herself, still facing away from him.
"What?" He heard her.
"What?" 'He heard me?'
"Nothing, I thought I heard you say something." He made his way to the couch, "Uhm… Do you wanna sit?"
Mikan walked over to the old couch and took a seat before Natsume sat down across her, "Natsume, what happened?" Not exactly what she wanted to say, she hadn't planned on asking questions and keeping their conversation long, but there was just something that made her want to be in there for much longer than she planned.
"I'm not sure I know what you mean." Natsume stared at her, still stunned by the fact that Mikan, the girl he thought that stopped loving him, had shown up at his doorstep only a few seconds ago.
"You know exactly what I mean." Her voice shaking, caught in her throat, the thought of her having to try to remember what happened once again, she didn't want to have to tell him, all the emotions were finally gathering up, tears started to form in her eyes. Luckily, before any got the chance to fall, she calmed down and it all dried up quickly.
They fell silent. Surprisingly, it wasn't awkward at all. Natsume didn't know what to say—actually, he knew exactly what he wanted to say, he just didn't know how to say it and if he had the guts to say it.
"Wow, fan girls still after you?" Mikan chuckled when she saw a beautifully wrapped box on Natsume's desk, along with a handwritten letter held down under it.
"Oh, that's not—" Natsume realized what it was. "It's nothing."
"You usually throw those things away." Mikan looked down at the floor.
"Well, that's not exactly what you think it is." He tried to change the subject, "Mikan, I'm sorry, but—"
"I get it." She said the moment she took a glance at the trash bin filled with other gifts.
"What?" Surprised, he was.
"There's someone else now. I totally get it." She faked a smile, "Explains why you hadn't thrown the girl's gift away and why you seemed to be making sure no one was around earlier, right? You didn't want people to think you were cheating on your new girlfriend. It's cool."
"Mikan, that's not—"
"It's fine." She cut him off, "It's my fault, Natsume, really. I ran away for two years and you found someone else, I understand."
"Listen to me!"
"No, Natsume! I'm done with this!" Mikan shouted back. "When I left, it was because I couldn't stand seeing you hurt. You thought I was with Ruka, and I tried to tell you otherwise but you wouldn't listen, not to me, not to Ruka, not to anybody else. Now here I was about to tell you I needed a little time off from you before we tried to start things over again because my absence didn't help at all. I needed to be around you and still know that I wouldn't be breaking down." She stopped for a few seconds to catch her breath.
"Natsume…" Her eyes filling up with tears, this time failing to keep them from falling, "I need to go."
She stood up and swiftly headed for the door, but before she reached for the doorknob, she remembered what she had in her pocket.
"I forgot," she took the two burnt ribbons out of her pocket and left them on the table beside the door, "Thank you, Natsume. That's probably the most positive statement I've told you within the past 5 minutes, so I think I deserve to walk out this door. What you did then, these ribbons, helped me understand a lot of things and kept me sane these past two years. I grew up… I hope you're happy."
She opened the door and ran for it without bothering to pull the door shut.
Running away. 'Is this all I'm actually good at? Running away?' She continued running, down the hall, out the door and into the cold stormy night. 'Why do I have to be so damn weak?'
She ran and ran and ran.
She ran and reached the only place her feet led her to: the Sakura tree—their Sakura tree.
She was wet, she was tired, sad, cold, alone, and all the other painful things she felt she was. She rubbed her eyes as dry as she could before the rain replaced the tears on her face.
The tree stared at her, infusing memories into her head that had already reached its limits. She broke down once again and cried under the tree that failed to shelter her from the rain.
Through the loud thunder, raindrops and crying, Mikan heard quick footsteps not too far away. She looked to her right and saw Natsume heading towards her and the tree with a pace she couldn't quite figure out, he wasn't running, nor was he walking slowly or quickly.
Though Mikan didn't care much to stick around and find out what pace he was approaching her in, all she wanted was to get away as soon as she could. So she got up and started running the opposite direction of which Natsume was coming from.
'Stupid girl. You're weak. Stop running away.' She thought to herself, but kept running for it anyway. Tears in her eyes, rain in her face and in the way, she stumbled once, twice, but got up both times, so determined to get away.
'Why am I doing this?' She slowed down and looked back, Natsume had started running as well.
Mikan slowed down, slower, slower, and she stopped. She stood there with her head down, tears still silently falling, tired from the running, her shoulders rose and fell from panting and sobbing.
"Mikan." Natsume tried to catch his breath.
Even drenched in rain she looked beautiful, her eyes held a darker look and her face gave off a less positive impression than it used to, but despite that, she was beautiful—inside and out, but he didn't know how to say it—he didn't know how to tell her she was the most beautiful living thing he's ever laid eyes upon. He didn't know how to tell her that for the past two years, it was her he wanted to see on his doorstep and that it finally happened just a few moments ago. He didn't know how to tell her how she made him feel. He didn't know how to tell her how he felt about her, how he'd always felt about her, how it was always her… He didn't know how to tell her how much he loved her.
"Mikan, I'm sorry." He clenched his fist, while on his left hand he held the box and the letter that Mikan saw sitting on his desk earlier. "I'm sorry for shutting you out. I'm sorry for misunderstanding." He continued to pant, "When you were away, I blamed myself and I blamed Ruka, I didn't know how to react."
The rain fell harder and got stronger as Natsume looked at her, the girl who used to always look up and smile, now looking down at the ground, crying under the rain.
"If it wasn't mine, it wasn't anybody's fault." He continued, "I overreacted, I was too mad at myself for not being there for you when Ruka was. I was so sure you had considered choosing him over me after that."
"Stop trying to be the good guy, Natsume!" She finally spoke.
"I'm not! I'm not trying to be the good guy because I'm not and I know that!" His grip on the box tightened, crushing it but making sure what it contained stayed intact.
"OK then, so stop chasing me when you've already got a new girlfriend!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You always throw girls' gifts away unless you like her. Care to explain the nice box in your room?"
"You don't even know—"
"Oh, save it, Natsume!"
This made Natsume angry. She wouldn't listen to him, so he said something he later on regretted, "OK, fine! So what if I do have a girlfriend, why would you care? You're the one who left! You're the one who shut us all out of your life for two straight years!"
"You could've waited for me, Natsume!" Normally it would be hard to tell under the rain, but more tears fell and she started to cry harder, "You think I wanted to leave everyone behind for two years? It was hard for me, too. If you loved me, Natsume, you wouldn't have misunderstood what was going on with Ruka and I, you wouldn't have overreacted. Sure, Ruka saved my life but someone saving my life would never have changed my feelings for you." She couldn't help it, she turned around, she couldn't show her face, "You could have waited." She whispered.
"Stop being so selfish!" He didn't want to be angry, but he was, "Two years was too long, and who knows if you were coming back? You never returned anyone's calls, our letters to your grandpa's house all came back unopened and to top it all off, you left without a word."
"I…" She cried, 'God, Mikan, why were you so stupid?'
She ran.
He ran.
To Natsume's surprise, she ran just as fast as he did, making it hard for him to catch up.
The rain wasn't helping at all, it rained harder just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, and the wind blew heavy drops of rain to his face, blurring his vision.
They'd run so far, they were still inside the academy but outside of campus. Far from the dormitories, nowhere close to the elementary, middle school, or high school buildings.
The cement road was so slippery that they would both slip and fall once in a while then get up as quickly as possible to continue their chase.
Mikan couldn't stand it. She realized she was wrong, that she ran away two years ago and didn't even understand why. She realized she was selfish for thinking Natsume would love her forever.
She admitted her weakness, yet continued running. The rain on her face, tears blurring her vision, her heart pounding hard on her chest, the wind screaming in her ears and Natsume's fast footsteps tailing her.
She looked behind her as she stepped off the sidewalk and saw him with a worried look on his face.
A bright light came from one side.
All the emotions ran through her veins, her head, her eyes, her heart.
She looked to her left, the bright light drew closer, slowly, but it all seemed too fast for her to figure out what was happening.
"Natsume." She whispered and tried to smile at him for the last time.
A loud beeping sound rang in her ears, and it all disappeared.
"When you love someone, you should tell them before it's too late" is what they say. We don't know what they mean by 'too late', but every moment that isn't now is too late believe me.
Natsume was right. I was being selfish. I don't even know why I ran away. Ever since that day two years ago, every time something went wrong, all I did was run. I was weak.
I expected him to still love me. But now I realize that even if he hadn't found someone new, it wasn't possible for him to hold the same feelings. I showed weakness, I was a coward and I was selfish.
But thanks to him, I experienced being in love. I knew how it felt to love and be loved in return. Just not at the right time, I guess.
Thank you, Natsume.
A week later, everyone gathered in a hall with flowers, tears and the color black.
Natsume stood there, staring at her pale angelic face while tears slowly ran down his face. He whispered to her, "I was afraid Persona would threaten to harm you again. If he or anyone saw you near me, one of us would have had to be harmed, he believed you were some sort of distraction to me." He smirked at his last statement, "He was right about that."
"Yeah, I thought you and Ruka were together, but when you left he explained and I listened, that one thing you thought I never did. That one thing you didn't do." He paused. "You didn't listen to what I tried to tell you. I tried to give you this." He gripped the tiny box and the handwritten letter in his pocket. "I tried to tell you how I felt but you wouldn't listen."
The thought of that made him feel like a huge, strong hand had gripped his heart, making his tears rush down his face.
"It was my fault, too. I shouldn't have called you selfish." He pounded the glass, as if asking her to wake up, come out and forgive him, "If anything, you aren't selfish. I was angry that's why I said those things. There was no one else, stupid little girl."
Natsume now stood up front with Hotaru, Ruka and all their other friends. He took one last look at her pale skin and her dark brown hair, wishing she'd open her eyes and show the beautiful brown orbs to him for the last time while she wore that innocent look on her face.
Tears fell from everyone's eyes, but no one's compared to the ruby-eyed boy's tears that fell, thick and heavy, streaming down his face nonstop.
He took a worn out box from his pocket that had been ruined under the rain and put it on top of the huge wooden casket.
"What's that?" Hotaru looked at him and then at the nice, small red box.
He wasn't in the mood for words, so he opened it and took out a beautiful silver necklace with a diamond on the pendant that had Mikan's name engraved on it. He laid it down on the glass just above her chest, to make it look like she was wearing it if one looked at it from a good angle.
Natsume took the handwritten letter in his hand as a few teachers closed her off and carried Mikan out.
Not long after, Hotaru broke down, followed by cries and wails from Mikan's other friends, as she was lowered ten feet underground. Each person released balloons; gray, blue and white balloons flew hundreds of feet above the trees as the sun started to set.
After tying a worn out piece of paper—whose writings had been smudged by tears and rain drops—and one of the burnt ribbons onto the end of his balloon's string, Natsume finally released the balloon and watched it float away.
It was always you.
I love you, Mikan Sakura.
Author's Notes: Sad, huh? Hahah! [: Sorry, but I'm proud to say I intended to end it that way. [:
This oneshot is dedicated to one of my most loyal and beautiful readers and friend, Kate (penname: Sitting In The Silence). [: Hope you liked it. [:
By the way, this is sort of a sequel to my other oneshot 'Colors Fade To Gray.' [:
Hope you liked it. I didn't mean for it to be this long though. Imagine, 4,593 words. I hope none of you got bored. |:
Reviews? [:
(012211) Edit: Fixed some of the typos and some of the awful writing. [: So it should be a good read from now on, although there are still a lot of flaws like OOC-ness [which I did on purpose, so just get off my back for that one]. Other than that, I hope you liked it.