"Kids, this is a story your mom most likely doesn't want me to tell you. But honestly, I think you need to know. Especially because she's out of town and your uncle Barney is coming to visit."
"… Should we be worried, Dad?"
It's the spring of 2012, and Barney and I are the only ones at McLaren's. Marshall and Lily are too busy taking care of their new baby, and Robin was taking a trip to visit her Dad in Canada.
This left me to take care of an emotionally broken Barney Stinson who won't admit anything was wrong.
"How many times do I have to tell you Ted? Nothing is wrong. Ooh, I just saw a couple of girls with piercings and daddy issues order their drinks. Be my wingman!"
"But you have a girlfriend…"
Barney stiffens, and I catch the hurt in his eyes.
"Had a girlfriend," he mumbles. "But it's awesome, I'm single now. Back on the market for all those poor girls who could look but never touch while Nora was around. This is going to be legen- wait for it - dary. Now come on!"
With his usual bravado and almost childlike energy, Barney begins to hit on nearly every girl in sight mercilessly while I sit in the booth and watch. I pull out my cell phone.
Ring, ring… ring, ring… ri-
"Ted?"
"Marshall. Nora broke up with Barney." As I talk, I watch Barney begin to order more and more drinks. He gulps one after another, and I'm tempted to go stop him, but I think I'll need back-up.
"Oh my god, is he okay?" Marshall's worried tone sounds in my ear.
I glance over to find Barney with his tongue down some girl's throat and what looks like a tear in his eye.
"Not at all. Can you come to the bar?"
As I finish my sentence I hear the wailing shriek of the littlest Erikson in the background, and wince.
"I'm sorry-" Marshall begins.
"It's fine, seriously. I got this," I interrupt him.
"Okay. Good luck, Ted. Bye."
"Good luck to you too," I smile, hearing Lily scream louder than her baby to get Marshall's attention. "See you later."
Barney stumbles over to me, grinning.
"Did you see that awesomeness? She totally wants me."
I watch amusedly as the poor girl wash out Barney's taste from her mouth with more alcohol.
"Yeah… How much have you had to drink, Barney?"
He sways slightly.
"Not sure… But I think I need more!"
He turns to go back to the bar but somehow trips over his suit pants and crashes dazedly to the floor.
"I'm okay!" He slurs.
"Oh god. Why don't you come back to my apartment for the night? It's closer than yours…"
"Are you trying to get in my pants or something Ted?" Barney asks loudly, attracting the attention of Wendy the waitress who tries hard not to look like a squealing fangirl. He leans in to me, and I can feel his breath brush over my neck.
"'Cause it's kinda working, bro…"
I shudder a little from his proximity, and pull his arm over my shoulder.
"No, Barney, I'm not trying to get in your pants."
"Shame," he yawns, rubbing his eyes adorab- *cough* -tiredly.
"Let's go," I say, and pull him towards the stairs.
As I get Barney up to my room, I notice him begin to sober up. He stops smiling, and frown lines crease his forehead. Deep in thought, he needs a push from me to get him through the door. He collapses on the couch and pats the seat next to him, motioning for me to join him.
I do.
"Barney, is there something wrong?"
"Have you ever wondered why I have so many one-night stands?" He asks abruptly.
"Kinda. I'm also curious as to how you've never contracted an STD, but…"
"I need to tell you something."
"Barney? What is it?"
"I- I think I'm in love with you."
I grin crookedly and hold up a condom.
"Suit up," I tease him, and he stares at me wonderingly.
"You- how- did-"
"Please Barney. 200 women and not one guy? That's a little suspicious," I smile, and wave the condom back and forth a little.
In all honesty, I've suspected this for a while. Barney told Lily, the only one of us that he trusts with things like this, who in turn told me.
*Flashback Whoosh Thing*
"-But don't you dare make fun of him!"
"Lily, please. Of course I won't."
"And don't make him your 'experiment with homosexuality' either! He's fragile!" Lily's mothering nature astounds me sometimes. I thing her affection for our blonde friend comes from the time she spend living in his apartment. They've been closer because of it.
"I promise. I won't do anything to hurt him. He's too… awesome for that."
My sincerity makes her pause.
"Well okay, then."
*End Flashback Whoosh Thing*
His brow furrows as he takes in my reaction, my acceptance, and then scrunches in close to me. His hand finds my jaw, and strokes there lightly before pulling my face towards his own. His lips meet mine, and they're softer than I would have thought. He melds himself to me, and I feel the results of a weekly gym regimen through his layers of foreign silks and fabrics. I move my lips gently down his jaw as he makes himself at home in my lap. His legs hook around my back, and he situates himself flush against me, his erection rubbing against my own as I mark him as my own with little bruising hickeys along his neck.
He mewls and sighs softly with each kiss I press to his heated flesh. His blue eyes are closed, and I see a flush crawl across his cheeks when I pause in my ministrations.
Scooping him up into an unsteady standing position, I lead him by the hand to my bedroom. He crawls onto my bed, pulling off his suit jacket, and I take it from his hands, hanging it up in the closet. I know about his relationship with his suits. It's bordering on both creepy and adorable, and I will adhere to it for as long as he does.
Apparently my actions are a turn on for Barney, as he gives a bit of a growl and practically pulls me down onto the bed. Before I can realize what's happening, my shirt is gone, and Barney is licking and sucking at my bare collar bone.
"Ah! Fuck, Barney…"
"That's the plan," he mumbles against my flesh.
Now I see why he gets laid so much. He's too quick; the girls can't protest with their shirts off and his mouth on their bare flesh. I know I can't.
"Mmm…" I sigh softly, and stretch out further across my bed as Barney's hot mouth travels further down my chest and stomach, pausing to lick at my navel. I shiver a little, and tug at his hair gently to get him to kiss my lips again. He complies, and while he's occupied, I work on undoing his tie and the fiddly buttons on his shirt. Soon he's as shirt-less as I am, and I slide my hands across the planes of his chest, marveling at how soft his downy blond hair is.
"Ah… ah… mmm…" Barney pants and sighs into my mouth, and I love just how vocal he is.
He breaks our kiss to smirk at me and his hands sweep over my skin, leaving lingering trails of heat and arousal. Finally his slim fingers find my pants, and dip teasingly into the waistband of my boxers, pulling softly at the hair there and spreading across my flesh.
He soon divests me of my pants, and I return the favor enthusiastically. Now he's the one laying back while I work over him, littering love-bites along the pale flesh of his chest and neck. I move further than he does however, and I strip off his boxers eagerly.
"Ted…" Barney moans a little, his hands moving as if to cover himself. I pull his hands away, trapping his wrists at his sides while I lean my head down and lick a broad strip along the underside of his erection.
"Oh, god!"He groans lowly, his hands reaching up to tangle themselves in my hair.
I look up and grin.
"Nope, just me."
"That is so lame ohmigod!" I block out his insult by taking the head of his dripping cock into my mouth, swirling around the juices leaking out, sucking them down and using my tongue to lap at the slit.
"How the… fuck!... Do you know how to do this…" He moans, his last word coming out as a hiss as I further service his rock hard penis.
I remove my mouth momentarily, replacing it with my hand.
"College."
With his question answered, I start to take more and more of his dick into my mouth, using my hand to stimulate the part I can't quite reach. I use my other hand to rub and pull at the slightly cool flesh of his balls, and he moans again and again.
His breathing is getting heavier and heavier and he's crying out even more now, calling my name and using quite a few curse words. With the effects of alcohol and arousal muddling Barney's thinking capacity, I only have his sharp intake of breath as a warning for the fact that he's coming.
My mouth and throat are suddenly splashed with hot liquid, and I gulp it down greedily, licking the rest that escaped from my lips. Barney is practically asleep already as I let go of his now flaccid penis and crawl up beside him in the bed.
He turns and hugs me, pulling himself up against my body with his head on my chest. I can feel his heightened heartbeat against my side, and try not to focus on the pain of my erection against the fabric of my boxers. The smell of come coupled with the feeling of Barney's amazing body pressed against mine… It's a little too much.
"J-just… wait a few minutes…" He says, looking up at me with sobered, loving eyes that let me know I won't regret this later. "I'll give you the fucking of your life once I catch my breath."
"Who says you're going to be on top?" I ask playfully.
He growls and rolls away from me. Before I can realize what's happening, my hands are tied above my head with Barney's tie, and I have a teasing, slick finger circling my entrance lazily.
"How did you know where my lube was?" I ask, trying hard not to moan at the sensation of Barney's finger.
"Lucky guess. I keep mine in the same place."
The thought of Barney masturbating makes me blush, and he hums to himself, watching my face turn red.
"You're really cute when you blush…"
"Shut up! I thought bros don't call each other cute."
"We don't. But you're not a bro right now. You're my lover…"
He croons the word softly, and I have to tear my eyes away from the intense emotion I see in his eyes. It's unsettling. I almost want Barney to start blathering about some chick he banged in this very position, but he doesn't. I'm glad. It would ruin the mood.
Before I can realize it, Barney has worked three fingers inside of me, and is wriggling them around in circles, searching.
"To… ah… To the left…" I moan, and he obeys, finding my prostate immediately.
"Mmm… Ted, you're so tight…" Barney slicks up his erection, and presses the head in carefully, sighing as he does so, letting out his breath in one long whoosh of air.
"More…" I groan, trying and failing to use my own body to push Barney further into me.
He chuckles, a low throaty sound, and pushes all the way inside of me, filling me completely and rubbing roughly against my prostate.
"Move," I command, and wrap my legs around his waist, thankful that he hadn't tied them down.
He begins a fast pace, snapping his hips roughly inside of me. One of his hands finds its way to my cock, and he begins to pump me in time with his thrusts.
"Barney, Barney, Barney…" I chant. "Oh, fuck… fuck!"
He grins at my words and goes faster, egged on by my moans and shouts. He changes angles slightly, and hits the little, sensitive bundle of nerves inside of me dead on repeatedly until I'm a shaking moaning mess, begging for release.
"Bar- Barney! Make me come…" I pant.
He just smiles again, and with one last tug on my penis and one last thrust to my prostate, I come, screaming his name and arching my back clear off the bed.
"Ted…" He grunts, and comes too, filling me entirely with his seed.
He pulls out and lies down next to me the way I had before. He wraps me in his arms and I fall asleep, sticky with his come and with my head on his chest.
This is literally my favourite pairing ever. I'm an avid HIMYM fan, and I love the idea of these two boys getting it on! Oh, and whoever reviews with the name of the show I shamelessly stole lines from for this gets cookies… (Yes I mixed 'em up, it wouldn't work otherwise…)
Yeah, crazy author talking to an invisible audience about a show they probably have never seen before … Lalala…
OH, and I may do some sort of follow-up chapter. If I get... let's see… fifteen reviews for this, I'll do a second chapter. That's not exactly a ton, I know, but it's a lot to me!