Entering the Darkness

thoughts about Suicide By Akito..

{Discailmor} This will be depressing i just wrote it up.. It is how I feel much of the time.. I know it has nothing to do with what ever category I place it in.. but nothing in the originals Section ever gets read so im putting here....

I wish to enter the Darkness.. To Not exist To no longer Breath laugh Or cry.. Life is Hell there is never Anything fun about it anymore.. Only Misery and Dealing with Events that happened in the past... Nothing more nothing less.. When Good things happen to me i no longer feel Good from them.. In fact some times they Depress me even more.. I can barely grasp My own existance as being worth any thing at all..

those Close To me Ignore How i act and my Problems or perhaps they just dont notice it... When i say things like "I want to die" they call me a coward and selfish for wanting to kill my self.... But Don't they realize that Wanting another person to live is in fact selfish as well...

Think about it... People dont want those Close to them to die.. because they Would miss them.. Miss seeing them talking to them Or Just miss Knowing that they exist.. But maybe that person is better off dead?

So why do we want others to live? and why is that selfish? because in reality we only want this person a live because if they Died We would Become Traumatized and More stress and other unpleasant feelings would be added to our life... A selfish Action But all Humans are like this.. all humans try to avoid pain Stress and Trauma... its a natural instinct that is why we cling to those and do not wish for them to die.. because it would make our life that much more worse..

On the flip side of this u are also selfish to want to kill out selves.. because we leave those behind to fight and pick up the pieces.. so all in all neither Living nor dying is truly Selfish..

As for my self i am a coward.. unable to Cope with regular things in life.. I Probably Belong in some sort of institution or something,... But why bother.. Im not Worthy of such things.. I atemted to end my life with a Fire arm and failed... Then the Guns were taken away and hidden.. many may think that my parents were Being loving by taking away an easy tool of death from me... How ever it just makes me feel like im not worth a Quick death.. that even in my last moments on earth I must suffer to the end..

And So I grab the sharpened Knife and plunge it into my wrist.. despite the fact that i want to die i Scream in pain as the blade slices through my soft flesh on my wrist... I feel slightly dizzy and before i loose Control Of my left arm i take the knife and slice the right wrist... I feel the blade tear in but not too deep.. by now my left arm is so week from the stab it just drops the knife.. I clutch my bleeding wounds to my chest trying to stop the Red blood From flowing out of it.. AS i do this i begin to cry...

I lay slumped against my bed with the blood flowing from my wrists.. even though my arms are pressed against my chest the blood still flows around my arms and Down to my elbow.. the Warm red blood trickles down my chest into my lap... I start to feel dizzy.. I lay there crying still slowly whining and Twitching in pain as my life force pours from my veins and stains the carpet of my bedroom...

Time passes i look at the clock.. after a moment of focusing my blirred vision i see that its around 4:30 pm... My mother will be home soon..

I lay there with my eyes closed panting and letting out a low moan and whine every so often.. then i hear the Door open and my mom comes in.. she sees me in my dying state and runs off.. i hear her franticly talking into the phone.. Then a moment later she grabs my head and says "It will be all right hunny just hang on a little bit longer"

I notice her voice is teary i desperately try to open my eyes but find that i no longer have the strengths... I hear her say something else but I can no longer under stand it.. I can no longer feel the pain in my wrists.. everything goes black.. i can feel my mind slipping... I feel my breath slowing.. My mind no longer thinking about anything.. im shrouded in a world of darkness.. Empty with nothing But my self. My thoughts slowly being erased from my mind.. and then Nothing at all.....

And so My life ends.. I die alone afraid and miserable ... as My mind shuts down for good my soul slips into the endless void of darkness..

The End

{notes} u may think im phucked up.. and u are right.. please don't tell me the Review like i need counseling or something.. I did go to counseling and im on anti depressants.. any way for the most part this fic is how i feel.. i really needed to write it to make me feel a bit better.... Please Read and review i would really like to know how u felt while reading this...