Written by Tora

A/N:

As you read this horrifying tale of Mary Sue characters inter into ShinRa, I would like to say a couple things. One of my favourite things to do, when writing a Mary Sue fan fiction, is to describe things in a very dramatic way. I absolutely love taking forever to describe one thing about a person. One of my phobias is Mary Sue characters. That brings me to my second point about Mary Sue characters.

One of my Mary Sue characters was actually based off of me. I'm not kidding. Supposedly, my friends dubbed me River Song (my nickname is River Song, because my middle name is River) Fairy Princess, slayer of Mary Sues. To avoid confusing with River Song, my Mary Sue character is named River Saints. River Saints, hopefully, is an easier name to remember. My friends decided that River Song (Or Saints, whichever you prefer) was written by a gay guy, who was trying not to make his character Mary Sueish but ended up Mary Sue-like. So as you read about River Saints, Slayer of Mary Sues, note well how she herself is rather Mary Sueish! And of course, this character was born from the womb of Mother Troll (AKA Facebook).

Okay one last thing. If you've ever read much of my fan fiction work, you'll notice that I tend to enjoy mostly writing with the characters. You'll notice that I have most of my characters being silly and goofing off. They never actually doing work. I'm not that good at writing a serious fan fiction. I've written one serious fan fiction (The Prophecy was Wrong) and found out that I'm struggling with the sequel (Operation Diplomacy, which hasn't been put up yet). The Prophecy was Wrong was my first fan fiction ever and I wrote it a while back (heaven only knows how many typos there are in that story…!). After writing that story, I found that writing humorous fan fiction is a lot easier to deal with.

Prologue

"So let me get this straight… you're not signing up to be a secretary?" Lazard asked, laying the papers down a looking the new comer up and down with a critical eyes.

The new comer shook her head. "I'm signing up to be a SOLIDER," She said, in a quiet voice.

"You. A SOLIDER…?" Lazard said. Lazard glanced down at the papers again. "You never mentioned your name in here…"

The girl glanced up hopefully at Lazard, her blue glassy orbs, which are called eyes, looked hopefully at the Director. "Are you letting me in?"

"I wanted to know your name," Lazard said dryly.

The girl thought about it. "Hmm… let me think what my name should be…"

"You don't have a name?!" Lazard barked back, his eyebrows shooting upwards.

The girl shook her head and thought hard. She rested her head on her chin and said seriously, "My name could be…"

Lazard stared at her with awe. Who the heck was she? He glared intently at the pale pink haired girl.

"How about, Sephagenzacloud?" She asked, looking at the Director.

The Director gave her a sideways look. "Sephzhangcloudgen?!"

"Sephagenzacloud."

The Director did a facepalm and said, "That's dumb! Who the heck wants to be named such a stupid name?!"

The Sephagenzacloud stood up angrily and shouted, "THAT IS MY NAME! HOW DARE YOU! My full name is Sephagenzacloud Narakashiraharu Strifairhewsodos!"

The Director shivered and wiped off his sweat, "Good Gaia… what did I deserve to get this job?"

Sephagenzacloud ignore Lazard. She fiddled with her pale pink hair and said, "So do I start with First Class and make my way down or do I start with Third Class and make my way up?"

Lazard whammed his forehead against the desk and said, "G-Gaia!"

Sephagenzacloud glanced up at Lazard, as if she just now realized that Lazard was trying to kill himself. "You start with First Class?" She offered timidly. "Of course, since I have to start with First Class, I'll be sure to ascend very fast to Third Class. And I shall be amazing! After all, I am both beautiful on the inside and out! And God has gifted me both inside and out with special talents!"

Lazard kept whamming his head on the table. He glanced up at the woman. Gaia, he could almost see the sparkly aura around her, when she said that!

Lazard looked at her blankly. He had never dealt with a person like this…

He was about to say something, but Sephagenzacloud held up a hand to silence Lazard and spewed on. "Of course, my talents are all original and my beautiful hair is most certainly original! My mother was worried that I wouldn't be beautiful, but I have not failed her! The drug enhancers that I take were made from organic stuff, that way I can be more organic than a fresh load of dog poop!"

Was Lazard dreaming it? No, he could definitely see the sparkles and the pink aura around her.

Lazard decided it was best if he tried committing suicide. He went on banging his head on the desk.

"I guess that's your way of letting me into ShinRa…" She quietly grabbed her papers and inched her way to the door.

Right as she left, Lazard hollered after her, "HEY WAIT JUST A MINUTE, LADY! YOU CAN'T GO TRAMPING YOUR WAY INTO SHINRA LIKE THAT!"

Sephagenzacloud ignored Lazard, and marched off, her heart flying in the air, as she, Sephagenzacloud Narakashiraharu Strifairhewsodos, was the first woman to get into ShinRa. "Both beautiful on the inside and out!" Sephagenzacloud echoed dramatically.

It was not long after the first crazy woman came in, when another crazy woman came into Lazard's office.

Lazard glanced up from doing some work. Startled, he said, "What the heck?!"

The woman was about five'four" and had the most scary look about her. She herself, wasn't scary looking, she just had this aura of scariness. Her hair was jet black and shoulder length. It was extremely choppy looking, but of course, being a woman, it was stylized. Her olive skin was a little too pale, as if she hadn't seen the sun in a while. Her eyes were almond shaped and her eyes as dark as the raven in the night.

"What the heck are you doing here?!" Lazard repeated. He hated when people came in on their own free will. He never made these appointments with these women. And where were they coming from?

"I don't know you!" The woman snapped back. She crossed her arms and began to sulk a little. She glanced down at Lazard's work and snorted. She could get a lot more done than he could.

Lazard's mouth hung open and he protested, "I never claimed to know you!"

"But you made it sound like you knew me!" She insisted. She crossed her arms and glared daringly at the Director.

"But…" Lazard mumbled. He rubbed his eyes and said, "Look. What do you want, Lady?"

The woman flicked away some hair and said, "The name is River Saints, Director Lizard-face."

"Lizard-face?!" Lazard snarled, grasping at his hair. Who did she think she was?! "I asked you what you wanted. Not what your name was, Saints."

River curled her lip and said rudely, "I'm a First Class SOLDIER, thank you very much."

Chapter 1 Trouble

"My friend, do you fly away now? To a world that abhors you and I? All that awaits you is a somber morrow… no matter where the winds may blow—"

"I thought you said you wouldn't read that," Complained Zack Fair, Second Class SOLDIER of ShinRa.

Genesis Rhapsodos, First Class SOLDIER of ShinRa, glared ambiguously at Zack. He hated being interrupted when he was reading his favourite poetry book. "Gaia, Zack, I was getting into the best part!"

Zack made a disgusted sound and mocked, "I've pretty much memorized it!"

Genesis snorted and shut the book and snarled, "Yeah right! Recite it, if you dare!"

Zack wiped off his hands on his trousers and looked up at the sky. "May blow… my friend… your dessert—"

"Desire!"

"Your… desire is brighter… than life—"

"Of life!" Corrected Genesis sternly.

"Of life… the gift of the Goddess… umm… even if… the morrow… is… barren of promises… um… nothing shall… forestall my… uh, retard. I mean return. Nothing shall forestall my return," Zack said proudly.

Genesis gave Zack a suspicious eye and said, "You didn't say it with your heart."

"Whuut?" Zack said, making a weird face. He put down the twenty pound dumbbell and stretched.

Angeal Hewley tossed Zack a water bottle and said, "I wish you could remember your schedule the way you remember Loveless."

Genesis put Loveless down and said excitedly, "Guess what!" He began to bounce up and down a little.

"What?" Zack replied with enthusiasm, likewise beginning to jump up and down.

Genesis shoved Zack aside and said, "Not you, Pups. Angeal, guess what!"

Angeal raised an eyebrow and replied carefully, "What are you thinking about now Genesis?"

Genesis grinned impishly. He glanced over at the Silver Haired First Class SOLDIER. Sephiroth was calmly lifting weights, looking oblivious to the conversation, but Genesis knew he was listening. "I'm having…" He paused for dramatic effects. "A… party."

"Oh Gaia…" Murmured Angeal, he looked guiltily away from Genesis. Genesis's parties always ended… shall we say… a little odd.

Genesis bounced up and down and squealed, "Doesn't it sound flippin' awesome?!"

Angeal moaned, "What… kind of party is it?"

Genesis rubbed his chin. "Well… I was thinking about calling it… Thanksgiving to the Goddess. But we can call it Thanksgiving for short," Genesis said dramatically.

"Oh?" Zack said enthusiastically. "Why's it called Thanksgiving to the Goddess?"

Genesis ignored Zack and said, "Hey, Angeal, ask why it's called Thanksgiving to the Goddess."

"Genesis, why's it called Thanksgiving to the Goddess?" Sighed Angeal.

Genesis swung his arms around and said, "We're giving Thanks to the Goddess."

"That made a lot of sense…" Sephiroth commented sarcastically.

Genesis shot Sephiroth a glare. "The Silver General lives. He hasn't spoken all day. Shiva, I was getting worried. Oh well. I liked it better when he didn't say anything," Genesis said loudly, looking away from Sephiroth.

Sephiroth didn't look peeved. He simply continued to lift his weights, stopping occasionally to take a drink.

"So what do you do at this party? Will we have dessert at this party?!" Zack asked.

"Angeal," Genesis said loudly over Zack. "Ask what we'll do at my party!"

"Can I come?" Zack begged.

"Angeal, ask what we'll do at my party!"

Angeal glared at Genesis. "What idiotic thing are we doing at your—wait; I never said I was coming, did I?"

Genesis grinned and said, "Well, we're going to roast a bird for lunch."

Angeal looked a little more interested. "What kind?"

Genesis thought hard. "I was thinking about turkey…"

"Not turkey. I hate turkey," Sephiroth commented again.

Genesis looked at Sephiroth. He wanted to argue, but he also wanted Sephiroth to come to his party. "Okay," He said slowly. "We'll roast a chocobo for lunch. And we can have mash potatoes."

"I'm allergic to mash potatoes," Replied Sephiroth, not looking at Genesis.

Genesis gave Sephiroth a 'are you kidding me' look. "You cannot be serious," Genesis said sourly. "Fine. We'll have sweet potatoes."

"Rhapsodos, that doesn't stop the fact that I'm allergic to potatoes…" Sephiroth said, putting his weight down and glaring at Genesis.

Genesis belched out swear words and snarled, "SHIVA! Fine we'll have mashed peas!"

Sephiroth gave Genesis a daring look. "You really want me to come," Sephiroth scoffed.

Genesis glared back and snarled, "Well you don't have to come, your majesty."

Angeal gave Genesis an amused look. "Ew, Gen. Mashed peas? Are you serious?"

Genesis gave Angeal a ferocious glare. "Not helping!"

Angeal smirked. "If you're going to try and please your guests, Genesis, you want to do it right."

Genesis was about to reply when Reno burst into the exercising room and panted, "YO! Guys! You aren't going to believe this!

Genesis gave Reno a weary look and said, "Oh, it's you, Turkey."

Reno huffed in indignation and said, "Yo, Gen, I'm a Turk, not a turkey."

Genesis waved his hand elegantly and sardonically replied, "So I added two letters to your title, so what?"

Reno turned to Zack and said, "Gaia."

Genesis didn't listen to Reno and went on pungently. "Maybe I should call you Titch instead? After all, you are titch material, shorty-pants."

Reno raised an eyebrow and scratched his thick red hair. "What?"

"Just go on," Zack said, prodding Reno in the stomach.

Reno pushed away Zack and said, "Ah yes. There are two new SOLDIERs."

Genesis shrugged and took a drink. "So?"

"The SOLDIERs are women," Reno whispered, as if 'women' was a terrible word.

"You mean they look like Sephiroth?" Genesis asked absentmindedly.

Genesis turned his head to look at Sephiroth. Sephiroth's mouth twitched ever so slightly.

Reno shook his head. "No, they're women!" Reno insisted.

Women SOLDIERs in ShinRa?!

Genesis gave a shifty look at Reno. "And how does the little Turkey know such a thing?" Genesis asked suspiciously.

Reno scratched his nose and said calmly, "I met them."

Zack's eyebrows boinged upwards and he said, "You met them?"

"What were they like?" Genesis demanded.

Reno raised an eyebrow at Genesis. No doubts Genesis would dart away and try flirting with them. "They were scary," Was all Reno said.

"How could a woman SOLDIER be scarier than a guy?" Zack asked.

Reno gave Zack a weird look. "Yo, Zack, don't you know the diff between a guy SOLDIER and a woman SOLDIER?"

"Ones a guy and the other a girl?" Zack offered.

Reno did a facepalm. Then he gave Zack a scared face. "One of them is a female SOLDIER! How the heck could that not be terrifying?!"

Genesis rubbed his chin and said absentmindedly, "What are our new SOLDIERs names?"

Reno scrunched up his face. "Um, well… one of them was like… River Tim and the other… oh Gaia, I can't remember. Was it Sephfurgingercloud? Or Sephfearzapcloud?"

Genesis's eyes went wide. "Repeat the last one?"

Reno threw up his hands and said in annoyance, "Yo, Gen, you can't expect me to remember her name!"

"Wanna bet?" Genesis said, popping his knuckles.

Reno quickly said, "Her name is Sephagenzacloud! Sephagenzacloud!"

Genesis's eyes went even wider, as he repeated slowly, "Sephagenzacloud… What the flipping heck is that supposed to mean?!"

Reno shrugged and said, "I don't know! That's what she told me. And they claim to be in First Class SOLDIERs. Did you know that?"

"Wait, how can they be Firsts if they just came?" Genesis asked curiously.

Reno bit his lip and said, "I dunno."

Genesis elegantly brushed back his hair and made a 'pfftt' noise. Genesis gave his attention to Angeal and said smartly, "Consider the party well, Angeal. And if you must, you can bring along your little puppy to keep you company." Genesis then gave a sideways lance at Sephiroth to see if he was listening. "You can come too, Sephiroth."

Sephiroth didn't look at Genesis. "I'll consider it…" He mumbled.

Genesis did a little fist pump.

This party wasn't going to backfire.

"He walks around his desk and picks up his pen that dropped to the floor. The pen was his favourite and had been with him ever since he entered into ShinRa…" Genesis mumbled dramatically. He had gotten into a bad habit of talking in third person when T.L.A. (see Author's Note in Sephiroth's Quest for New hair to learn more about The Loveless Attack) hit him. "I mean, ever since he became First Class."

Genesis bent down to pick up his crimson pen. It was a special fountain pen that had his name on it. When he first got the pen (a gift from ShinRa along with his new office), the people who made it accidentally engraved Genesis's name as, Genesis Rapsodos. Of course, Genesis had kittens and insisted that they make a new pen with Genesis Rhapsodos engraved on it with gold ink instead of silver.

"He straightened up as heard footsteps," Genesis said, looking at the door. Before he could stop making a fool of himself, the door burst open and he finished, "And in came a woman into his office. Without knocking on his door…"

This woman blinked at Genesis and said blankly, "Are you talking in third person?"

Genesis turned red and coughed a little. "Of course not!" he briskly trotted back to his desk and plopped down. Leaning back in his wheely chair, he casually rested his feet on his desk.

The woman glared suspiciously at the papers and said, "Ahem, my name is Sephagenzacloud Strifairhewsodos."

Genesis's mouth dropped open and his feet fell to the floor. "What?" He said, his facing wrinkling up.

Sephagenzacloud pulled up a chair and said, "Call me Strifairhewsodos, please. I'm Sephagenzacloud Strifairhewsodos First Class SOLDIER of ShinRa."

Genesis gave Sephagenzacloud a bewildered look. "You're a First Class?"

Sephagenzacloud nodded and ran her fingers through her pale pink hair. "I'm a favourite amongst the other First Class," She pointed out. "I am after all… the most beautiful woman on earth!"

Genesis blinked. He couldn't believe his eyes. There was this… pinkish haze around Sephagenzacloud. Yikes, he was seeing stars!

"I am popular, not only with the men, but with the women around Midgar! They ask me for beauty tips and wonder how my skin shines so! I told them… I was born… French!"

"What's French?" Genesis asked blankly.

"French is the most delicate beauty on earth! It's soooo rare, but if you're born French… it means… you are favoured… I told the ladies not to be envious of my sheer beauty, but they're sooo obsessed! How perfect the lips are! They say! They asked me how I managed to get such wonderful lip! Well, beloved, says I… I use a special organic tube! I use raspberry scented lipstick! It gives me a stained Popsicle effect…" Sephagenzacloud said dramatically. She clasped her hands together and bowed her head. "Seraph, they call me…"

Genesis rested his head on his palm and sneered quietly to himself, "You want to look like you have Popsicle lips? What a freak. You're such a woman."

"What was that?" Sephagenzacloud asked curiously.

"I said you're a woman," Genesis blandly.

Sephagenzacloud's eyebrows boinged upwards and she stood up, knocking the chair down. "HOW DARE YOU! YOU ARE SO SEXIST!"

Genesis raised his hands up in defense and said, "Whoa, lady, I just said you were a lady! What's so sexist about that?!"

Sephagenzacloud's Mako blue eyes glared daggers into Genesis's head. "What is your problem?!"

Genesis sighed and crossed his arms. "Who's bright idea was it to let in women into ShinRa?!"

Sephagenzacloud opened her mouth indignantly and then stormed out of the room, her pink hair trailing after her.

Genesis snorted. "Pfffttt, what a tiptoe Nancy…"

Genesis made sure she was gone before he started talking to himself again. "The Hero pulled out a long list of things to do. He studied the list. It was a list of things he needed to get at the market. He read it out loud. One whole chocobo… he paused reading it. I had better make it one chocobo breast…" Genesis quickly scratched out the one whole chocobo and wrote next to it, chocobo breast.

Genesis continued to talk in third person as he wrote down ideas and ingredients. Of course, he would buy most of the food, since he hated cooking.

"He was slowly getting bored of looking over his list, but he forced himself to push on…" Genesis said lazily.

"What the heck," Said a soft voice. "Are you seriously talking to yourself?"

Genesis looked up to see Sephiroth looking down at him. His eyebrow twitched upwards.

Genesis bumbled out quickly, "SEPHIROTH! SHIVA, YOU STARTLED ME!"

Sephiroth stepped back from the blast of flamboyant air and said in disgust, "Please don't pee in your pants…"

"I beg your pardon?!" Genesis spat indignantly.

Sephiroth gave Genesis a daring look. "Must I repeat it?"

Genesis coughed and pushed away the papers. "Ahem, Sephiroth," he stated in a businesslike manner. "How can I help you?"

"Where have you been the last couple days?" Snarled Sephiroth.

Genesis blinked. "Um… in Loveless?" Offered Genesis.

"Wrong."

"What is the meaning of this?" Genesis asked simply. He brushed back some bangs and swatted a fly that was buzzing around his face.

Sephiroth replied calmly, "Your attention is taken away, First Class SOLDIER…"

Genesis's radar ears picked up the word 'attention'. "My attention is gone…?" Genesis repeated slowly. He raised a cautious eyebrow and glared intently at Sephiroth.

Sephiroth impatiently replied, "Your glory of being First Class SOLDIER is gone."

"And who took it?" Genesis asked reproachfully. The creases in his face getting deeper.

"Two other First Class SOLDIERs. Saints and Strifairhewsodos," Sephiroth said simply.

Genesis blew up and threw his beer can to the floor. "HOW DARE THEY TAKE MY ATTENTION?!" He squealed with self-righteous anger.

Sephiroth leaned against the wall and muttered, "I was wondering why you were being so quiet."

Genesis wasn't listening to Sephiroth. "He stood up from his seat," Genesis growled, gritting his teeth. "Banging his fist on the table he turned around to look out of the window. He could see the birds flying around and he could see Midgar from below, but the Hero's wrath was kindled and he barely noticed the people or the good looking women strolling around Midgar…"

"And Sephiroth goes out of the room to find a psychiatrist…" Sephiroth said sarcastically.

Sephiroth left Genesis to talk to himself.

"He plopped back down," Genesis said wearily. "And look around the room. The plants in the corner were dying, but he didn't feel like helping them right know. He thought of the woman who marched into his room earlier today. Then his mind raced to the days when he was a Third Class. He was having flash backs of being a Second. And now he was a First. He had glory, respect, and honor! He was a hero! Wait, I mean, he is a hero!"

Genesis stood up solemnly.

"This is war, Strifairhewsodos and Saints… the Hero has declared war… and the Goddess will not invite you scumbags to her party…"