Anything for You
Songfic to Gloria Estefan's 'Anything for You'. Set near the end of LDYB2 but no spoilers for season 3 - the rest is my imagination. Set mainly from Lee's POV.
Angst, loads of angst.
Anything for you though you're not here
Since you said we're through it seems like years
Time keeps dragging on and on and forever's been and gone
Still I can't figure what went wrong
Lee sat heavily, hearing the hatch slam as she stormed out. Dee hadn't taken well to the fact that he'd immediately given in to Kara's request for medicine for Sam.
'You're too good for her - you shouldn't give in to her. That's your problem Lee, you've got no spine - you just do whatever she tells you.'
Well, maybe he was spineless but who was Dee to call him on it? If he'd had a spine he wouldn't have married her - wouldn't have begun sleeping with her in the first place since she made it clear she wasn't willing to leave Billy until the 'thing' with Lee turned into something serious. Yep, he was definitely spineless, she was right.
And when it came to Kara he was no different. He knew, even shortly after she'd returned from Caprica, that there was someone else. Yet he was willing to forget that and take her for his own, finally, after wanting it for so long. Even knowing it was probably only a one-time thing - just to 'get it out of their systems'. He'd known, without being told, that Samuel Anders meant more to Kara than she was letting on. Known that even if he claimed her once, it didn't mean she was his for keeps.
'She chose that life - let her live with the consequences.'
Dee could be so callous. He'd never suspected that of her; she'd always seemed so sweet. But then again, even the sweetest most gentle woman could turn into a tiger when threatened with losing her mate, and a threat was exactly what Kara was, even though she was married to someone else. He and Kara had always been connected somehow, even when they didn't want to be. And just hearing her voice was enough to make him long for her to return, despite the way things had been left between them.
I'd still do anything for you I'll play your game
You hurt me through and through but you can have your way
I can pretend each time I see you that I don't care and I don't need you
And though you'll never see me cryin' you know inside I feel like dying
A game.
That's what it had been for so long. Kara pushed and he pushed back. Both of them knew it wasn't serious ... could never be serious. There could never be a 'them' - they were Starbuck and Apollo, two people whose destinies were linked in a way even they couldn't understand, but it was never meant to be more than that.
But it was. It always had been. It may have been a game, or perhaps they'd chosen to see it that way because looking deeper meant confronting feelings they'd buried deep inside and never wanted to face.
So Lee played along, never letting on how much the games between them hurt him. He just let her keep on doing it because stopping it would mean losing her. And he couldn't face that. Until the day he had to ... when she made her choice, and it wasn't him.
'I'm really happy for you,' he'd said to her, forcing the smile he was so used to giving her. The one that hurt more than being shot. If only she knew that while he was smiling encouragingly at her on the outside, he was sobbing with despair on the inside.
Well, at least it made that decision easier ... time to let Dee know it was serious.
And I'd do anything for you in spite of it all
I've learned so much from you, you made me strong
But don't you ever think that I don't love you that for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right and you just have to say goodbye
She threw him dirty looks as she cleaned out the quarters they'd shared for over a year, but Lee couldn't bring himself to care. It wasn't like there was anything 'there' ... they'd gotten married because he'd felt that for the Commander of a ship to be living with his girlfriend was an improper position to be in. Sometimes he wondered if perhaps she'd agreed because he reminded her of his father. She talked about him constantly - obviously she'd always idolized him, and Lee was afraid that the only reason she'd chosen him over Billy was because Lee represented the only part of his father that she could have in a sexual way.
It had never been said aloud by either of them, but they both knew he still loved Kara ... and always would. It was obvious in everything he said and did, and every decision he made. He may have made them seemingly out of anger at her, but Dee had always known the truth - he used anger to mask the deeper emotions he felt for her. It was a pattern they'd all watched for nearly a year before she took off down to the planet with Anders, and one Dee was privy to in a much more intimate sense once he'd committed himself completely to her.
She'd always hoped Lee's fascination with Kara would end once she left the fleet and got married, but apparently Kara was like a disease with Lee - one that couldn't be cured, not by time, space or being with someone else. A disease that he'd have to live with for the rest of his life.
I hope you find someone to please you, someone who'll care and never leave you
But if that someone ever hurts you, you just might need a friend to turn to
And I'd do anything for you, I'll give you up
If that's what I should do to make you happy
She hadn't come back to visit. Six long months she'd been on New Caprica with her husband and she hadn't once come back to see him or his father. It didn't matter though - it seemed there wasn't anything he could do to stop himself from loving her. It was killing him one day at a time, but was there really a point in living if he couldn't have her?
But did he really have a choice? She'd chosen Anders over him, and the only thing he could do to make sure she was happy was stay away from her. All they ever did was fight when they were together ... and considering the long pent-up feelings he was having for her, fighting might not be the only thing they ended up doing. Even though he was sure Kara would resist, he wasn't sure he would be able to control himself. Best to make sure they stayed apart, that way the temptation wasn't there.
I can pretend each time I see you that I don't care and I don't need you
And though inside I feel like dying you know you'll never see me crying
Don't you ever think that I don't love you that for one minute I forgot you
But sometimes things don't work out right and you just have to say goodbye
"How's it going down there?" he asked casually, heart pounding. She was still so beautiful, even dirty, unbrushed and wearing filthy, ripped clothes.
She shook her head as if to signify 'so-so'. "It's tough, but I'm happy. It's a good life."
Lee swallowed over the huge lump in his throat. "I'm glad you're happy Kara."
She smiled at him, though there was still a shadow of something unreadable in her eyes. "I am."
"So, are you here long?"
"Just picking up a few things," she answered with a little smile. "I begged the usual cargo pilot to let me come instead." She flushed. "I've missed flying."
"I'm sure you have. So have I." Actually I don't miss flying at all - I miss flying with you. I miss being with you ... gods I love you so much Kara ... how can I possibly live my life without you?
"I should um ... get moving," she said, almost looking and sounding embarrassed. "I need to get back." She looked up and met his eyes, blue and green merging to form the most perfect turquoise. "Will you come down and visit sometime?"
He smiled at her, that smile that always broke his heart. "Of course," he lied, knowing he would never go. Every time he saw Kara now she took a piece of his heart with her. If he continued visiting her there would be nothing left. Not that it mattered ... he wasn't using it for anything else. But eventually there had to come a time when he said goodbye for good and cut the cord that bound them.
That time was now.
"Goodbye Kara," he whispered as she walked away from him for the last time.
fin