Disclaimer: I do not own Fate/stay Night, or any of the characters - they all belong to Type-Moon. I only own the plot (except for the small excerpt that's from the last episode). No OCs yet. Oh, and i also don't own the song Fade. Unless i become part of the band Theater of Tragedy, i don't own it.

A/N (available for my entire story - pretty much anything i could think of touching on):

1. I didn't read Fate/Zero yet. I am currently reading it right now, and the process is pretty slow, reading it online (and that it's not completely translated yet). A lot of info that is included in my story i read it from Type-Moon Wiki, which has become my best friend in this time. Any information that i either didn't or couldn't find there (or just didn't come acroos it) i came up with it by myself. If there is anything amiss, i apologize.

2. In the series, some characters use the -can, -san stuff, some don't, i don't know why. I tried to keep it realistic and in tune with the series. (example: Shirou doesn't use them most of the time, but he does call Fuhimura "Fuji-nee." -shrug-)

3. This is for anybody who is willing to read this without having read or seen the series (or Fate/Zero for that matter): Beware. There will be spoilers, especially in the first chapter, which - as i said before - is a direct recollection of the very last episode. Also, there will be times when Shirou, or any other character will have either flashbacks, or will remember past conversations. Just to let you know.

4. After my Yu Yu Hakusho finfics, i grew tired of saying up-front who's Point Of View it is, so i did something else instead:

Legend:

italic – thoughts only
"italic" – dialogue during a flashback or remembered conversation
- [chapter name] - Shirou POV
—————————— in the same POV - change of scene; time passes; etc.
straight out line (below) to separate POVs in a chapter
Other POVs will come later and i will write who's it is at that time.

5. The names can be written differently. It can be either Emiya Shirō, or Shirou. Rin Tōsaka, or Tohsaka. Sakura Matō or Matou. I used the second option, because it was a lot easier for me. (they are pronounced the same, though)

6. Last, but not least, i hope you guys will like it. This is my first Fate/stay Night fanfic, and i really hope you will like it. It's my all-time favorite series, and because of that i put an extra effort to make it good. I warn you though that i'm not good at fillers, so i'll be jumping around a lot. (another warning) I prefer to do that than to make it boring.

Also, please read and review. It is the greatest pleasure to hear what people think about what i write. Any feedback/comments are more than welcome.

Chapter 1

- Fade -

I never really did stop thinking about her, although life went on after she left apparently as if she has never stepped in my life in the first place. It almost seemed as if time wanted me to forget about her. But I refused. Although it has been a year – has it only been a year? – there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about her, didn't try to recall her facial features, her voice, her proud posture.

In my mind, after she left me with only a few parting words, what happened afterward is unknown to me; I couldn't recall that evening at all. How I finally made myself to part from lake. How I made it home from Kotomine Church. How I went into the storage room and eventually fell asleep. My mind is blank until the next morning when Sakura woke me up with the call of my name… apparently just like every other morning.

For a while, I wondered if it was all just a dream, if sfhe has been just a fictive of my imagination, because she seemed too perfect in my mind. But I immediately knew that wasn't the case because Ilya was there. I wouldn't have met Ilya if it wasn't for the Holy Grail War. She lived in Germany after all and only came to Fuyuki city to participate in the war. Even if she had come here, and if I would've met her, I probably wouldn't have ever exchanged a word with her. We were of separate classes in the society, after all.

Besides her presence, everything seemed normal. Sakura started coming back to make breakfast, even though I told her countless times she needn't bother. I enjoyed her presence immensely and have always cared for her as for the sister that I never had, but I didn't like it that she went to such lengths to help me around. Fuji-nee was also there, practically begging Sakura to prepare her favorites for breakfast. I guess some things never change.

But some things have, and I thought about that, trying to drown out the loud chatter and Fuji-nee's protests against something I didn't catch.

The fact that everything had been real relieved me greatly. It really did happen, I didn't just dream it all. I really did fall in love with this girl that was completely out of my time and out of my reach until the very end…despite the fact that I found out that she returned my feelings. But by then, perhaps, it was for the best that it happened the way it did. If I would have known earlier I might have tried harder to convince her to stay, therefore making it harder on her. It was hard enough as it was to let her go.

I still remember that day clearly. The fight against Kotomine. The ugly memories that fighting him had sprouted in my mind despite my opposition. The incredible hatred that I felt toward this man that, 10 years ago, made the great Fuyuki fire ignite. At that moment, the only thing I wanted was to cause him at least a small fracture of the pain that all those people including myself endured during that fire. So many people hurt. And so any people died.

It's unforgivable.

I remembered feeling great gusts of wind and seeing flashes of light form the other side of the church that could've only been from her and Gilgamesh's Noble Phantasms. As focused as I was on my fight with Kotomine, I couldn't help but think of her, if she was hurt or if she was all right and how she was fighting against Gilgamesh. As much faith as I had in her, I was still worried. I could sense though if she was hurt, in the very pit of my heart and I wondered briefly if it was because of our contract as Master and Servant or because of how incredibly aware I was of every move she made despite the fact that we were apart.

I remember finally defeating Kotomine with the blade that Tohsaka gave me and as he fell into the lake above which a great, black, tainted hole hovered eerily over it, I felt her approaching. I looked over the corrupted Grail that was the very reason for what happened 10 years ago as well as what happened now and I somehow couldn't bring myself to loathe it, although I knew I should. If it wasn't for this, a lot of things would have been different, maybe including myself. Although I would've never lost my parents and my home in the fire, I wouldn't have met Kiritsugu and took over his childhood dream of being the Hero of Justice. If it wasn't for the Holy Grail War, I would never have met Saber. And who knows what other minor things that I couldn't think of at the moment would've been different in the process.

Was it selfish to think of the good things that happened to me from such a tragedy as that fire? I knew it was. And she always said that I was too selfless for my own good. She didn't know the entire story.

As I retrieve Ilya from the clutches of the Grail, I used one of the only skills in magic that I had to I materialize a blanket and cover her naked body. I looked at her serene face while she slept in my arms and could hardly recall the time when we were enemies or when she seemed like a cold-blooded killer. Impossible even.

My thoughts stopped abruptly at the distinct sound of her armor planks grinding against each other and her steps behind me. I didn't look back. I could hardly stand to listen to those steps and feel her presence, knowing that she will be gone from my life forever.

"I will destroy the Holy Grail," she said, and I could hear the determination in her voice, no doubt tainting it. When her mind was set, nothing could sway her. I learned that lesson only too well, but it was still a hard fact to embrace.

I didn't answer, and she walked ahead, drawing her sword ready for the final blow. My expression turned sad despite myself, and I looked down, grateful she didn't see it.

"Master," she said and the word forced me to look at her back. It's been so long since she called me that. "Your orders. If you do not command it, I cannot destroy that." How I knew that to be true, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. "Please use your last Reiju," she asked me.

I tightened my grip on Ilya without even realizing it. How can I let her go? I remember thinking. I—

"Shirou," she said my name and I felt my defenses weaken as I met her brilliant green eyes, "I would like to hear it in your own voice." When I heard that, I remember closing my eyes, internally struggling with myself in what was up to date the hardest decision I ever made. I remember thinking how much I loved her and how I wanted her to be happier than anybody else. How much I wanted to continue being with her, although that was wrong in my account. How I loved how she fought through, even with all her injuries, although we have had countless arguments on the subject.

To step on her honor, I thought resigned, but determined, is something I must not do.

I remember feeling how much the decision hurt and how hard it was for me to form the words, although I knew full well it was the best one to be made. For her. I tried to hide that from my voice and my eyes as best as I could as I gave her my last command.

I opened my eyes and looked at her, although she was already with her back toward me, ready for my words. "Fulfill your duty."

She didn't look my way as she held her legendary sword Excalibur tightly in her hands and let the energy from it shine on everything around us, enveloping the surroundings in a magnificent glow. Then, without even having to utter the command, she sent her Noble Phantasm Excalibur toward the Grail. The sword knew what to do. The beam hit the Grail, and in just a few moments, it burst into a powerful explosion that created both a powerful wind and a great earthquake that shook the ground without any mercy.

After the light died down, I was faced once again with her in what I knew it would be the last time. She was still with her back to me, her soft blond hair blowing slightly in the breeze and her blue gown picking up the wind. Her armor was missing, as well as her sword. They must have dematerialized.

"So this is the end," she said, and I could hear the sadness in her voice. This time she wasn't hiding her feelings, nor was she holding back at all. I was suddenly struck by the truth of her words.

"Yes, this is the end." I agreed.

"I became your sword, defeated your enemies and protected you," she said, sounding solemn. "I am glad I was able to fulfill that promise."

"Yes, you did well." She stayed true to her honor and her promise until the very end. That only made me love her more.

"One last thing I must tell you." I waited. Before my very eyes, she slowly turned around and I was faced with her beautiful green eyes that I still recall perfectly. "Shirou," she made my name sound so tender and soft, "I love you," she was smiling slightly and her words were a mere whisper, but I heard them loud and clear. They made the knot in my stomach clench painfully, but I didn't say anything. She already knew that I loved her, though I don't know if she will ever know the extent of my feelings. I allowed myself to smile ever so slightly.

Then the sun rose, and although I wanted to see her go, it clouded my vision and I was forced to look away for a few moments. Next thing I knew, she was gone. And that was the end of my memory recollection until the next morning.

"Shirou, snap out of it!" Fuji-nee's loud voice broke through my reverie. I was so lost in thought I have momentarily forgotten that we were at dinner. Luckily, I have already got some food on plate, otherwise it would've probably already been gone by now. I looked at my plate and noticed that some of the food has been touched, but looked more as it's been toyed around with rather than eaten.

"Senpai, are you all right?" Sakura asked me, and I just now noticed that it wasn't only she who was looking at me worriedly, but Fuji-nee and Ilya as well.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just dozed off, that's all," I smile at her assuredly. Unfortunately, that didn't end the conversation as I hoped.

"Shirou, I'm really starting to worry," Fuji-nee said and she looked genuinely concerned. We've had this conversation many times, and no matter how many times I assured them I was fine, my constant phases of spacing out are really worrying them. This started to dampen my mood, though I many times decided not to show it and think about how much they care instead. "Ever since that cousin of yours moved out, you're been like a walking zombie around here. You hardly even talk at all anymore," she frowned at me and inched closer to study me as if, if she could look in my eyes she could read what was wrong with me.

Sakura and Ilya remained silent, one of them looking at her plate in silence, the other eating, deciding not to acknowledge the sudden tension in the air. I shrugged, smiled, took my chopsticks and started eating the rice that I barely touched. "You worry too much," I said between bites and closed my eyes, focusing only on how delicious Sakura's rice and ramen was.

"Now listen to me, young man, if you don't snap out of it quick, I might have to do something about all this," she threatened me and even though I wasn't looking, I knew she was shaking her finger at me.

"Like what?" I asked, disinterested.

"Like send you to a therapist!"

I shook my head and met her brown gaze. "Fuji-nee, seriously, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I just have a lot on my mind lately." I said in what I hoped to be a polite, yet dismissive tone.

Fuji-nee didn't seem pleased at all that I wouldn't cooperate but didn't say anything after that.

"Onii-chan needs a hug!" Ilya said from beside me and before I knew it, she took me in her arms and put her head on my shoulder. Her cuteness and innocence overwhelmed me sometimes, and right now, all I could do was put my bowl of rice back on the table and hug her back. Ilya would be my other sister that I never had.

When I released her, I saw that Fuji-nee sighed, resigned, and Sakura smiled good-naturedly at the two of us. I knew I had a family right here, though it wasn't really a blood-tied one. I had a mother and two younger sisters. Only two things were missing: a father and the love of my life.

Saber.

——————————

We ate in silence after that, not something that usually happened at out table, especially at dinner. Breakfast was another story though – it was too early for Fuji-nee to make too much noise, especially that she was usually on the verge of being late to class anyway.

I picked at my rice unconsciously and my ramen without actually tasting what I was eating as my thoughts took over once more. It happened so often these days, I didn't even try to oppose the impulse; it has become an automatic thing nowadays when I didn't have enough to occupy my mind. And they usually revolved around one thing, or, better yet, one person.

Since everybody was silent and I didn't take the time to hold a conversation of any sort, I finished rather quickly. Not looking at anybody at the table because I didn't want to get an unwanted worried glance again, I placed my empty bowl of rice on my plate and my chopsticks neatly on top. I placed my hands together and bowed in the customary Japanese manner and said, "Thank you for the delicious food," to Sakura.

She smiled kindly at me and blushed slightly at my compliment, as she always did. "You're welcome, Senpai."

I returned her smile, then I rose from my seat and said politely to all of them, "If you'll excuse me." I exited the dining room before I got a reply.

While I closed the door and made my way to the entrance, I could clearly hear them talk among themselves, though they were mere whispers. The whispers gradually became louder, probably assuming I already left the area. I, however, walked very slow, unusually curious about what they were talking. I wasn't too surprised to hear Fuji-nee talk about me and my "current condition," as she liked to put it.

She sighed heavily right after I closed the door. "I'm really worried about him. I thought that in time he would get better, but it only looks like it's getting worse."

"Senpai is being very quiet lately," Sakura noted and I discerned the concern in her voice.

"Shirou is love-sick," I heard Ilya state bluntly and I shook my head.

"Isn't it a bit unethical to fall in love with your cousin?" Fuji-nee inquired and I could almost hear the wheels in her heard turning, debating her own question. When she asked that, I almost forgot my cover-story.

"Shirou didn't say Saber was his cousin, she was a distant relative," Sakura corrected, but her tone was a little strange to my ears.

Silence followed. I could bet Ilya was itching to tell them the truth, but she luckily held her tongue. Neither Fuji-nee nor Sakura had a drop of magic blood in them and they didn't know about the Holy Grail War, much less what Saber really was.

"That's right! And Shirou does seem to have all the symptoms of love-sickness," Fuji-nee trailed off.

"Maybe Senpai just misses her?" Sakura suggested and I felt a pang of uneasiness. Sakura always seemed to end up in the middle somehow, without my intending it.

"I don't know—" That was when I didn't want to hear anymore. I eavesdropped on their conversation enough. I was touched that they cared, but I was also struck by sadness of the fact that just because they did care, I couldn't tell them. Then Fuji-nee would most likely send me to that therapist she was threatening me with earlier.

I walked away from the dining room and slowly made my way through the narrow halls up until the entrance. Except for the dining room, the rest of the house was dark. It was too big only for me, and its massive size only made me feel Saber's absence even more. Along with her, Tohsaka moved out too. Since the Holy Grail was over, she saw no reason to prolong her stay, although I told her that she very well could.

"No, Shirou," she said, "I don't want to cause you more trouble with Fujimura-sensei. It was hard enough to convince her to let me stay in the first place." I didn't say anything to that, knowing that I couldn't convince her to stay. And saying that I didn't want her to go because I would be lonely by myself was just plain childish. Not to mention that I would never admit that to Tohsaka. She would never let it go. So I agreed with her leaving without any more comments. All I told her as she left was "You're always welcome here." She smiled in return and went on her way.

While reminiscing that day when everything somehow went back to normal, I quietly opened the door to the front porch and let the soft glow of the full moon greet me. Beside it there were a few starts sitting by their lonesome on the otherwise clear sky. I let myself lean against the wooden rail and let my thoughts drift in the wonderful silence.

Luckily, Ilya – whom I've grown really attached to – stayed even after the Grail ended, and as a result, Fuji-nee and I adopted her into our family. She stayed at home with me and slept in the room right by mine. While I was out, to school or at work, she would leave the house too, not wanting to stay there by herself and she would always return after I got home. Her innocent and happy demeanor always brought up my mood, even in the glummest of days.

I sighed, and unconsciously realized that it was late and Sakura and Fuji-nee would be ready to leave any minute now. With one last glance at my inheritance from my foster father, I went back inside, knowing it was rude to let them leave without even a goodbye.

Just as I suspected, when I got back in the dining room, Fuji-nee, with her back over her shoulder, was taking her empty plate to the kitchen, as well as Sakura, helped by Ilya. There were still some empty dishes and bowls on the table and I hastily started gathering them.

"I'll get those, Senpai," Sakura called from the kitchen as she made her way back.

"No, Sakura, you already do more than enough around here. You guys should go home and rest, I'll take care of the dishes."

"Are you sure?" Sakura asked me as she always did, despite my assurances. I always remained to do the dishes, it was the least thing I could do after she would go through the trouble of cooking for all four of us. I nodded firmly and smiled at them. "Ilya would help me with them, right Ilya?"

Ilya smiled up at me in response. Despite the fact that at the beginning of her stay she refused to do chores, I soon told her that if she was going to stay with me, she will have to help me around the house. Sooner than I thought possible, she obliged, and learned to do a few chores of her own, one of them being washing the dishes – though I would have to put her to stand on a stool to be at a comfortable height at the sink.

"Ok, if Senpai is sure," Sakura said.

"Come on Sakura, Shirou is a big boy, he can take care of himself, right Shirou?" Fuji-nee winked at me and I grinned. Sakura obliged and walked with Fuji-nee to the front door. Soon enough, they were ready to go.

"Good night, Senpai," Sakura smiled at me, bowed and waved.

"See you tomorrow morning, Shirou!" Fuji-nee grinned at me and I waved toward the two of them before I slid the door closed. After that, I went directly toward the kitchen to clean up the mess that was left behind. Ilya hovered around me and helped me bring the dirty dishes to the sink and clean up the table.

"Need help with the dishes, Onii-chan?" she asks me, and her bright red eyes are fixed on me. She often called me that, another reason why I have grown so attached to her.

"That's all right, Ilya, I'll take it from here," I told her. She nodded, and looked slightly disappointed that I didn't need her assistance tonight, until she brightened up again. "I think I'll go take a walk and then go to bed. Good night, Onii-san!" And she skipped away

"Good night, Ilya. And stay within the grounds, it's dark out!" I called after her before I resumed washing the dishes.

Ilya was responsible, and I trusted her, but I still always gave her that warning before she went off after dark. I thought about her and how well we got along, especially how we've grown to interact as siblings after she moved in. My thoughts took over once more as I did the usual late-afternoon routine.

I thought about Sakura, who was always there for me, even when I didn't want her to, like when she was giving up her own free time to come here and cook meals or helping me with chores. I thought of Fuji-nee, my not-sister as well as mother sometimes, when I needed one. I thought about Kiritsugu, and how much I learned from him, from the few magic spells to things that were beyond physical abilities, such as being a Hero of Justice, a path I am still walking confidently on even today, so many years after his passing.

Then, I thought about Saber, who was never far from my thoughts. Her golden, sun-painted hair and green eyes that could show animosity and annoyance, as well as embarrassment and joy. Her proud demeanor and her cool composure even in the most dangerous situations. Her determination and pride as well as her honor when she made her decision. I thought of her on a hill soaked in blood from the victims of the previous battle, looking over her land, Excalibur in her hand, her army cheering for their king, a mere memory of hers I saw during a dream. Then, I saw her with her hair down, her armor gone, the sun beginning to rise behind her, giving me the tenderest of looks and saying "I love you."

I thought of that image of her that so very dear to me, and vowed that it will forever remain as clear as it is now in my mind, that I will never let it fade.

A/N: That's it for the first chapter. I tried to make it long, but not too long. I'm pleased with it and i hope you guys are too. Again, please read & review!