Peace of Mind
Rating: K
Spiritual/Hurt/Comfort
Summary: Sam turns to an old source of relief from the pain she's been feeling as of late.
Setting: Shortly after "Secrets" (2x9)
Disclaimer:Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/ Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author.
A/N: This is my first story, though I have read and reviewed stories for quite a while. I must point out, this has religious material that you may or may not be comfortable with. If you aren't Christian, feel free to read anyway. You may still enjoy this story. Also, constructive criticism and feedback are always appreciated (:
With a long sigh, Captain Samantha Carter slowly got out of her car. Feeling drained, she wanted nothing other than a long shower and a chance to rest. Oh, how she wished she could just fall asleep and dream her problems away….
Cancer. How could she have known her father had cancer? And now he was going to die never knowing her dream had come true. She wished so desperately to let her dad know about what she was doing in the Stargate program, but he could never know. Sadly, she stepped inside her house and closed the door.
After she had spent a while in the shower, she got out and dried off, dressing in the first set of clothes she found. She then proceeded to lie down on her bed, thoughts racing through her mind. She thought of everything she'd seen go wrong in the last few weeks.
She thought of her teammates, and how Daniel had been forced to come to terms with his long-lost wife, still possessed by the parasitical enemy they continued to fight daily. She knew he had been given hope at their latest encounter, knowing Sha're was fighting back, but he had seemed down after returning from the mission.
Aside from that, Teal'c had his share of family problems. He had returned to his home to discover his wife had remarried, his son was brainwashed and in the hands of the enemy, and he had been marked a traitor. Though Teal'c had seemed to regain equanimity after his son was freed, he hadn't been quite the same lately.
And then her thoughts turned to her commanding officer, Colonel Jack O'Neill. He'd watched his only son die at the hands of his own weapon, something he never forgave himself for. Though that scar was old, it never seemed to fade. His sarcastic and childish disposition, she knew, was a cover, a way of hiding from his pain. When all else failed, he would just cover it all up. Her heart went out to him, she knew he shared her pain.
Then, her focus began to slip towards herself. She had continued having nightmares after her experience with Jolinar. The appalling events in the life of that creature often flashed before her eyes, as she was forced to stare into the terrifying life of the creature that gave its life for her.
She saw again her father's hurt face when she rejected his NASA offer. He had always wanted the best for her- too bad he could never know how much she'd gotten out of this program. Deep space telemetry. He thought she'd given her life for a boring job in deep space telemetry. He'd taken it personally. She had hurt him, and now he was going to die thinking both his children hated him. At least he'll see Mom again… she thought bitterly, reminding herself of her mother's untimely death. Now that she was older she knew she couldn't blame her father for that anymore. She hoped her brother realized that before it was too late. Unfortunately, she doubted her family could be reunited before it was too late.
Her life was falling apart and there was nothing she could do. She was powerless. With that realization, she finally let tears she'd held for so long flow, allowing every emotion inside her to pour out. She eventually drifted off in the midst of her tears, and began to sleep. As she slept, she heard her mother's voice speaking to her gently. The last thing Sam heard before she awoke was her mother reading her the 23rd Psalm that Sam had enjoyed listening to as a child.
"The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwellin the house of the Lord
Forever."
Sam awoke smiling. She had always enjoyed her mother reading the Psalms to her when she was a child -and that one was her favorite- though after her mom died, so did her faith. After the accident, she still went to Mass on Sundays with her dad and with her brother, but it never meant the same as it once did.
As she replayed the Psalm in her mind, she stopped when she came to the passage near the end, "though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me". If only that were true, she thought to herself. Is it? She'd faced so many people claiming false gods, who said this one was any more than a myth? What makes this God different from all the others?
Then she had the answer. This God wasn't a god of domination, a god of wrath, or a god of enslavement. He never came as a conqueror or power-hungry leader. He presented himself as a father, a creator, and unlike any other god out there, said He loved her.
But how could this be? How could an all-powerful God let all these horrible things happen? Then she remembered what her mother would always say- "Everything has a purpose". As much as she hated to admit it, if it hadn't been for her mother's death, she may have never joined the Air Force, and may have never become involved with the SGC. If Daniel never lost his wife, neither would he. The decision Teal'c made to betray Apophis gave him the opportunity, and even though Jack lost Sara and Charlie, he now had a new life in the Stargate program. Now all I have to do is figure out what good could possibly come from my dad's cancer, she thought bitterly.
Then, out of nowhere, she had this crazy idea. She hadn't done it in years, but what if she tried praying? She didn't know what to believe but surely it was worth an attempt. Now if only she knew how. She started off simple:
"Dear Father, I honestly don't know what to believe… I don't even know if I believe in you…" It sounded stupid, but at least she was being honest.
"I have a lot on my mind and can hardly think straight. I'm about to lose my dad, who I doubt will ever be able to know that he wasn't the failure I made him out to be. I hate the way I used to treat him, it's just… God, you tore my family apart, and I don't know what I am going to do…"
"I'd like to think you're up there somewhere listening to me, so if you can please just help me, can you just make this right? Everything's gone wrong, surely there's something you can do… please, God, I ask for nothing more than peace of mind, I just want to know if Dad and my teammates… if we'll all be okay. I hope you can hear me…
It was difficult for her to continue, but she had one more thing she had to say,
You know what, I know nothing about the future, but I pray you will… be there- somehow… I don't know whether you're real or not but if so…Thank you.
Just then, she began to feel… something she couldn't quite describe. It may have been her imagination, but she could have sworn that at that moment, she knew everything was going to work out. She finally had her peace of mind. Thank you, Jesus… Amen