As he stared at the sword, Lucifer began to think about Linda's words, "that that right there, that which you stopped yourself from feeling, that's what you need to feel, not the anger, the pain, all the pain you have from what happened between you and your mother, and Chloe…"
That pain…was an agony he had never felt. When he found out the truth about his father's involvement with putting the detective in his path, he had never felt so manipulated, so betrayed. For the first time he truly believed someone loved him, horns and all (although she never truly believed he was the Devil.) The first time he allowed himself to believe in what they had, it had all come crashing down around him, he barely had time to process the truth when he confronted her, he was in disbelief when he realized she had been poisoned and had to watch as she nearly died. After going to hell, nearly getting trapped by his own guilt for killing his brother, watching the woman he loves nearly die and coming to terms with his mother's manipulations, he still couldn't allow himself to get close to her, to anyone, knowing that it could all be a lie, just to hurt him. He had never been so alone.
As the memories ran through his head, the sword caught flame, Mum may have been ecstatic when she saw the flame but Amenadial was the only one who saw the pain in his brother's eyes, as the flame flickered and died, his mother pushed Lucifer when he could clearly take no more, "you must not be feeling enough! Try harder!" She pushed him too hard, Amenadial stepped in to protect his visibly shaken brother. That's enough!
Lucifer tried to catch his breath, to stop the feelings from coming back up, he was not broken, he said it again to reassure himself, but he knew that he was not telling the whole truth to her or to himself, he wasn't broken-he was shattered.
Why had she been so keen on him being the Light Bringer again? Why had she pushed him so hard? Her behavior has been erratic lately, no doubt a sign of something she hadn't told him. Lucifer was furious with her for many reasons when she first came to earth but now he had a whole new list, She was the one who made sure he fell into the trap, she made sure he proved himself to Chloe, she was the spark that started the flame, if not for her, perhaps he never would have gotten so close to happiness, only to have it ripped away. From the moment he met her, he knew Chloe was special, whether or not she was a miracle, she was special to him. She had been the first person that he had ever really connected with in the five years he had been on Earth, she was the first real friend he ever had. She was intelligent, brave, selfless, and what he found most interesting was that she truly seemed to care about him. After everything that happened with Uriel, all he wanted was to be punished, to punish himself, even to die but she wouldn't let him. She saved him and begged him to talk to her, begged him to open up to someone, even if it couldn't be her, and that's what led to the reveal of his true face to Linda. Something he wished he could have taken back the minute he saw her face.
It was only after that incident he realized-he could never reveal the truth to Chloe, he never wanted to hurt her, he could push her away to protect her from her feelings for him, but he could never live with himself if he ever saw her look at him like that.
"We can fix it, don't worry mom, there's plenty of time." Amenadiel said, trying to reassure his mother, she touched his cheek affectionately "of course, you're right, plenty of time" she reached for Lucifer to reassure him, he shuddered from her touch, she had truly broken him and he couldn't even look at her anymore. As she went to her room she uncovered the bandage on her wrist, revealing that her vessel was leaking a golden heavenly light, "just not for me…"
Mum had pushed Lucifer too hard, it was one thing when she tried to make him angry by thinking about his father, or manipulated his emotions by hiring the "triple Deckers" but this time she had gone too far, how dare she suggest he wasn't feeling enough?! How would she know what this pain feels like? She was a celestial being, she could never understand how much she hurt him, how much everything that happened between he and Chloe had changed him. He remembered learning how she made him feel human, she confessed that he made her vulnerable, little did she know that she did the same to him, both physically and emotionally. He had never been able to let his guard down around anyone until now and now all he wanted to do was turn all these emotions off, to never be able to feel anything again.
She may not have made her true intentions known as to why she wanted him to light the sword or why she needed to get back to heaven so quickly, but as she recently discovered that she was living on borrowed time, she thought it was the only option she had. She did want to fix things between her and Lucifer, after he disappeared, she searched for him for weeks, all she wanted was to explain things, to apologize for hurting him the way she did, but most of all for manipulating him just like his father had. When it came to Lucifer, what she had done was no better than what his father had done, they both used Chloe to their own end and Lucifer was just caught in the middle. Constantly using their children as pawns in a never ending chess game, God's "plan" for Chloe still wasn't clear, she was created to put into Lucifer's path but to what end? Did God just want to hurt his son, did he create her just to let Lucifer fall for her and believe that he actually had found love for the first time in his life, only to find out that his father had made her have these feelings just to manipulate him and cause him pain? or did he create her to give his son a real chance for happiness? a chance to experience heavenly grace? The reason is still unclear and the wounds still too fresh to heal in time hopefully the plan will be revealed because Lucifer deserves a chance at true happiness.