"Antonio, I hate you." It's an easy sentence really. And so easy to say, or spell. But it's hard to mean, especially when it's you. But it's because of you I have to say it. It's because of the way you call me your little tomato. It's because of the way you make me feel safe. It's because of the way you talk to me. The way you let me out of my chores. The way you do anything! And I hate it!
Toni, you make me feel wanted… and that's hard to deal with. You make it easy to laugh and be carefree, even if I don't want to be. I know I complain a lot and I probably whine. I'm probably a big pain in the ass and you don't care about that – but I want to be somebody useful to you. I want to make you feel the way I feel.
I want to make my existence, not a burden to you.
For you I want to be somebody useful, who isn't annoying, who can complete their chores, and cook for you… I want to be everything I'm not.
I hate everything about you. I hate the way you know when I walk in a room, or when I leave and you don't even have to look. I hate how when I'm scared you do everything you can to make it all seem better, even if I know it isn't really. I hate how you know when something's wrong the moment it happens. I hate that you're so damn perfect! At least you are to me…
I know you're stupid sometimes, with some of the things you say, or sometimes the way you act. I know you make stupid choices at times, such as going away with Gilbert and Francis. I know that you expect me to do things sometimes, and occasionally I do. I know that you're caring and kind. I know that I know everything about you from your breathing pattern and the step of your foot, to the way you stop talking when you're upset and only use your head to say yes and no. I know all of the things you're allergic to and I stopped eating those things. I know the things to make you angry and the things to make you smile. And really it's such a stupid smile… but when I see it – I can't help but feel happy. And more important than everything else – I know that we love each other. I know that I love you, but I know that it's hard for me to show. I want to, I really do.
I want to treat you like Feli does with that German bastard…. But it's so hard! I'm just scared of the things that might happen… or might not happen…
I want you to worry about me like I do for you every moment I can't see your stupid face. I want you to care about me so much it hurts, like I do for you. I want you to do all the things that I do for you that you don't even see!
But it's because of those things that you don't see that I'm leaving. I'm not sure where I'll go… but I know it's someplace you won't look…
Goodbye Antonio.