A/N : So currently my other story is on the hiatus, as I have that damn writers block GRR! So this is going to be a multi chapter, and I really hope you like it, because I know how the whole story is going to go already.

It's going to be rated M for language, self harm, attempted suicide, and character death. So hopefully by the end of the story you don't murder me! I'M TO YOUNG TO DIEEEE! Lol, anyway, enough with my rant. ON TO THE STORY! Da, da, daa!

DISCLAIMER: I wish I fucking owned Big Time Rush, but sadly I don't.

XxX

Chapter 1: Secrets

KATIE POV

I walked out of my room and headed towards the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast, when I bumped into Carlos.

"Hey Carlitos!"

"Hey short stuff!"

"Dude, I'm four inches taller than you…" It was true. At five foot nine inches I towered over him. I guess I get that from Kendall. Although, everyone is taller than Carlos.

"But I'm older than you. So ha!"

"Yeah, by two years. And shouldn't you be at least as tall as me at eighteen?"

"Shut up Katie!" He gave me a gentle shove and resumed to eating his Lucky Charms.

I stared at the bowl, desperate for conversation. The guys have been so busy lately rehearsing for their upcoming tour, I rarely get to see them…especially James.

"So Carlos, is the Lucky Patrol coming back?" I asked as he slurped on the so called 'lucky' air dried, hydrogenated oil filled, clumps of sugar. Sometimes I wonder if he really is eighteen.

"Lucky Patrol?… No, I just like Lucky Charms! They're so …good." He said in between bites.

"Oh… it just seems like you guys don't do anything fun together anymore. I miss the rowdy guys." I gave a half hearted smile and decided to give up on making myself breakfast, to just having the conversation I really wanted to have with Carlos.

"We do fun stuff… But Gustavo is just giving us a lot of work. And you know how he can get. Actually we were supposed to go back to Malibu this weekend. You can come if you want. I'm sure the guys will like that. I mean… wait… damn… Katie your right! I haven't rode Swirly in three weeks! Why are you so smart? I mean, your no Logan but… Hey are you okay?"

He caught me drifting my glance to the room that Carlos and James shared. I really could care less about Carlos' rant right now.

"Yeah I'm fine… Um, hey, have you seen James? I haven't seen him in a while." I'm guessing he saw the curious look on my face, but still hesitated to answer.

I never cared that much about James. He was just like a roommate as we got older. But I really wanted to talk to him.

"I saw him come into our room last night. I'm pretty sure he's still in there. Why don't you go check. The other guys should be getting up now anyways." He got up from his seat at the counter and made his way over to the sink.

"Alright thanks!"

I wanted to dash out of the room so bad, but that would make things a little… awkward. So instead I walked casually to the door.

Barging in would be rude, but I needed to see him. Every night I've been having dreams about him. And I just don't know why.

I thought about it for a few more moments and rapped my knuckles on the door.

No answer.

I put my hand on the doorknob and saw that it wasn't locked… Well that was a good thing. Turning the knob slowly I cracked the door open only slightly to be bombarded by a waft of smoke.

Carlos had left to shower at this point, so I decided to just keep walking.

I was scared. I thought maybe there was a fire… But I saw no flames.

As I continued to walk in my eyes began to tear. The smoke was pungent, and smelled like gas. It was the worst thing I've ever smelled…besides Carlos when he leaves the bathroom…

But this was worse, much worse. I walked in more till I reached the center of their room. Tears fell freely from my eyes now. Not from the gas, but from the sight before me.

When did this happen? How long has this been going on? Does Carlos know about it? Does Kendall or Logan know? Does anyone know?

I rushed over to where James was sitting, cramped up in the corner. Tears were flowing from his eyes, staining his cheeks as they dried. But in his hands was nothing that I would have expected. Where did he even get that thing from.

"…Katie?" He said in a raspy voice.

"James! What the hell are you doing! Give me that!"

"Katie, please, go away. Leave me alone. I'm fine." More tears fell past my eyes as well. He looked so beaten, so vulnerable.

"James, I'm not leaving. I'm trying to stay calm, okay? And you need to calm down to. What your doing is wrong! Now will you please hand me that?" I pleaded for him to stop. I couldn't let him do this to himself.

"Go away! I said I… was … fine!" He choked on his sobs, which made the scene only that much more heart breaking.

"You sure as hell are not fine, James! Why? Why would you do this! You know how bad this is for you? Where did you even get it? Does Carlos know? Does anyone know?" I stopped to let the tears roll down my cheeks. He looked overwhelmed, but I didn't care. I needed to know what was going on.

"…James. Please. Give me the tube… Ahh!" He shoved me back onto the floor. I fell, banging my head on the few objects strew across the floor.

What is wrong with James?

A/N: And there is chapter 1. I hope you liked it! And yes I know its short, I promise the next few will be longer. And I'm probably going to be posting the other next few ones today, since I have the main plot down! OKAII? And reviews would be nice… xD