Fake Harley
"You sure J's gonna be ok with us just taking off early like this, Harley?" asked Rocco, reaching for his jacket.
"He will today," said Harley, nodding. "It's our anniversary, Roc. Mr. J won't have forgotten. He'll be glad that all you henchguys have cleared out early so he and I can have a little private time with just the two of us. I made pie," she murmured dreamily, gesturing to a giant cream pie in the center of the room.
"O…K," said Rocco slowly. "Well, if he changes his mind, he needs to call my cell phone. I won't be at home tonight."
"Got a hot date, Roc?" asked Harley, smiling at him.
"No," replied Rocco. "But I do get to spend the evening with a very attractive young woman. I'm meeting my daughter for dinner."
"Aw, I'm so glad you got back in touch with her, Roc!" said Harley, beaming. "Y'know, it's important to show the people you love that you care. Which is why I made that pie for Mr. J. And why I'm gonna pop out of it when he gets home, so he can lick all the cream off me nice and slowly, if ya know what I mean," she said, grinning.
"Er…yeah," stammered Rocco. He looked from the pie to her. "How are you…uh…gonna breathe in there?"
Harley stared at him. "Hmm…hadn't thought about that," she muttered, looking around. She seized a straw. "This'll work!" she said. "I'll just pop this out and breathe through it."
"Ok. Well, have a nice evening, Harley. And congrats to you and J," said Rocco, heading for the door.
"Um…Roc…can I ask a quick favor?" asked Harley, rushing after him.
"Sure, Harley, anything, you know that," replied Rocco, smiling at her.
"Can you…uh…help me into the pie?" asked Harley, nodding at it.
Rocco sighed, and then took off his jacket. "Yeah, fine, Harley. I'll just call Angela and tell her I'm gonna be late."
"Roc, what the hell happened to you?" asked the Joker, as he got out of his car to see Rocco emerging from the warehouse, covered in foam. "Is that pie filling?"
"Cream pie filling, yeah," sighed Rocco. "Just gonna go home to get changed before I meet my daughter for dinner…"
"Hang on, Roc, you can't leave," said Joker. "I got a job I wanna pull tonight."
Rocco stared at him. "Oh. Well…Harley's given the guys the night off."
"What?!" demanded Joker, furiously. "That dumb broad! What the hell did she do that for?!"
"It's…your anniversary," said Rocco, slowly.
Joker stared at him. "My anniversary of what?"
"Uh…no, your and Harley's anniversary," said Rocco. "As a couple. Apparently it's been eight years. Congratulations."
Joker continued to stare at him. "Eight…years?" he stammered. "Eight years that uselss waste of space has been weighing me down? Oh God, it's seemed so much longer than that!" He sighed, burying his face in his hands. "And she's planned some sort of surprise, hasn't she? Involving a cream pie?"
"Yeah. She's gonna…come out of a cream pie," said Rocco. "Singing. I think it'll mean a lot to her if you act surprised, though. She went through a lot of effort, and…"
"Oh God, this is going to be painful," interrupted Joker, massaging his temples. He brightened suddenly. "Any chance she'll suffocate in the pie if I wait out here and have a cigar instead?" he asked, hopefully.
"Uh…no, I don't think so," replied Rocco. "She's got a straw for air."
Joker snapped his fingers in annoyance. "Stupid, just not stupid enough," he muttered. "That's the problem with Harley, Roc. Oh well, better get this over with," he sighed. "I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah. Enjoy your anniversary," said Rocco, sincerely.
Joker looked at him. "You got a cruel sense of humor, Roc," he muttered. "I dunno where you get it from."
Joker opened the door to the warehouse, flicking on the lights. "Harley?" he called. "Harl…"
"Happy Anniversary, Mr. J, you're really swell and ok…" sang Harley, emerging from the giant cream pie slowly and seductively.
"Stop, stop, stop," interrupted Joker. "You can't sing, Harley, so please don't try."
"Oh…ok, Mr. J," said Harley, looking a little hurt. But she resumed her smile almost immediately. "Wanna try some of my pie?" she whispered, picking up some of the filling on her finger and slowly licking it off. "I'm sure you'll want seconds."
Joker forced a smile. "Look, cupcake, Daddy's not really in the mood for this tonight, ok?"
"But…it's our anniversary, Mr. J," said Harley, her face falling again. "And I…I made a joke and everything. It's a Harley pie, y'see, and Harley pie is what you usually call my…"
"Yeah, I get it, Harl," interrupted Joker. "And how many times have I told you not to explain jokes?"
Tears pooled in Harley's eyes, but she forced a smile again. "Ok, puddin', you ain't in the mood for pie, that's fine," she said, trying to wipe it off. "No problem. What did you have in mind for our anniversary?"
"Actually I…had a job planned for tonight," said Joker.
"A job?" repeated Harley. She grinned. "Sounds sexy. So what, Mr. J, you want me to be the helpless policewoman you got cornered? Or maybe you want me tied up and held hostage, huh?"
"Harley…"
"Oh, I know, you're in the mood for a little Batgirl, huh, Mr. J?" she purred. "Y'know, someone who'll beat you up a little before you hold her down and…"
"Harley, I meant a real job," interrupted Joker. "A heist. Y'know. We break into a bank, Batsy shows up, we have some laughs, and the game starts all over again."
Harley gazed at him. "What's Bats got to do with our anniversary, puddin'?" she asked.
"Nothing, but…"
"It's our special day," she whispered. "When we met. When I fell in love with the most wonderful guy in the whole wide world, a guy who always makes me laugh, who…"
She continued to talk, but Joker stopped listening, and began thinking about whether hitting the bank or the museum would be more fun, and how many security guards he could conceivably kill before Batman got there.
"You ain't listening to a word I said, are ya?" snapped Harley suddenly.
"Of course I am, pumpkin pie," replied Joker.
"So what did I just say?" demanded Harley, glaring at him.
He stared at her. "Uh…that you love me?"
"That was a lucky guess!" shrieked Harley. "This is so typical of you, Mr. J! Always putting the Bat first! I get maybe a handful of days a year when I'm the most important person in your life, and you're trying to ruin one of 'em by making it another Bat Day! But it ain't a Bat Day, puddin'! It's a Harley Day!"
"Look, you should just be grateful I keep you around at all," snapped Joker. "You should be damn happy that I haven't killed you in eight years, and not get all upset and complain whenever I have more important things to do than try to satisfy a woman who literally can't ever get enough!"
"That's because you never give me anything!" shouted Harley. "Every night it's Batman, Batman, Batman! I'm sick of his goddamn name, Mr. J! Eight years I've been treated like this, and enough is enough! You gotta choose once and for all! Him or me!"
Joker snorted. "Don't make me laugh, Harley," he muttered. "Not that you ever have. Obviously I'm gonna choose Bats."
Harley stared at him, heartbroken, and spilling tears. But a moment later, her eyes grew furious, and she wiped them away angrily. "Fine," she hissed. "Fine, you ungrateful jerk! If that's the way you treat me after years of love and affection…"
"Years of nagging and smothering, I think you mean," retorted Joker. "You know what your problem is, Harley? You're too stupid to understand that I don't love you, and I haven't ever loved you. You're too stupid to realize that I played you for a fool just to break outta Arkham. You are, amazingly, the one person in the world who just doesn't get that I'm the Joker, that I've never meant a word I've said to you, and that our relationship has always been one great, big, unfunny, painful joke."
Harley gazed at the sincerity in his eyes and suddenly let out a sob. Then she slapped him hard across the face and raced from the room. Joker wiped pie filling from his eye. "Stupid brat," he muttered. "Guess I better call the guys, and…what the hell are you doing?" he demanded as Harley re-entered the room, clutching her handbag.
"I'm leaving, you sick bastard," she hissed, tears rushing down her cheeks. "It's over now. For good. Eight years of my life I wasted on you, but no more. Now I've heard the truth from your own lips. And it is true, isn't it, Mr. J?" she demanded, glaring at him. "You meant every word you just said."
"Yeah," retorted Joker. "I did, for once. Well done, Harley – you're getting better," he sneered.
Harley glared at him and headed for the front door. He seized her arm. "You ain't leaving – we got a job to pull tonight!" he snapped.
"So pull it yourself!" shrieked Harley. "I never wanna see you again, Mr. J, let alone help you! I hope the Bat breaks every bone in your body, and takes you back to Arkham in pieces, you horrible, horrible monster!"
She slapped him hard again and then raced out of the warehouse, sobbing. "Harley!" shouted Joker. "Harley, come back here now! I'm gonna beat your face into the ground for hitting me! Harley! You got a job to do, you lazy little brat! Harley!"
She had disappeared into the night, and Joker gazed after her. Then he shrugged, shutting the door. "She'll be back," he said, confidently.