Hi. These don't have much substance... idk why I'm uploading them... I guess when I wrote them they kind of struck a chord to how I was feeling or something. I really don't know. Anyway... series of letters from Tara to Willow... enjoy. 3

Hey Willow…baby…

It's funny…they tell you over and over again what it feels like to have your heart torn out. I've had my heart torn out before… at least, metaphorically. But this time it was for real. A cold, hard little shard of metal tore through my heart. Even as it ripped into me, turned my insides to ice, then to fire, all I could think about was you. The spatter across your shirt. For a horrible second I thought it was your blood that was spilled. Then there was a beautiful moment when I realised that you were just fine. Then there was the worst moment of all. The split second when I realised that I was being torn away from you. That the stupid, cold, tiny shard of metal had torn us apart.

The metal hurt when it tore through my heart.

But that wasn't what hurt the most.

What hurt the most was that final moment when I realised what had happened… that I was being taken away from you…

That's when my heart really broke.

Sincerely, your Tara.

Hi baby.

I'm in heaven, aren't I? I mean, after you die, you get to go to heaven or hell or the dimension with no shrimp or whatever, right?

So I'm meant to be happy here, aren't I? I died…I got my heart torn…so now I'm dead… which means I'm meant to be in heaven.

If I'm in heaven, why aren't I happy, Willow? Why aren't I happy?

There are people here. Lots of them. People I love very much. And they're trying to make me happy. Sometimes they make me laugh, and smile. Sometimes I forget. I forget for just a second where I am, what's happened. I forget, and there's this beautiful moment of bliss, where I'm happy and content and I'm laughing and relaxed. But that ends as quickly as it starts, and everything crashes down and I feel like my chest is being crushed with pain. With how much I miss you, with how much it hurts to not be around you… and guilt has her cold fingers wrapped around my throat, making me stutter and choke and want to cry… because I forgot. For a second I forgot. And I hate myself for it.

I'm sorry.

I'm not forgetting you… I couldn't…even when I'm laughing and smiling, it's still for you. You're still consuming my every thought. But sometimes I forget, just for a second, sometimes I forget how much pain I'm in. And I wish I didn't. I don't deserve to forget how much it hurts to miss you, baby.

I'm so, so sorry. I love you.

I hope it hurts less where you are. I hope that you're happier than I am.

Sincerely, your Tara.

Hey Will. 3

I miss you.

They call this heaven, and tell me I should be happy, but they don't get it, do they? How can it be heaven without you here? You're the one thing that could make me happy. Whole. How can this place be my "ideal"? You're not here. It's not perfect. This place could look like the dumpster in the alley behind the Bronze, but if you were here it would be perfect.

That's all it takes.

You.

I don't have much else to tell you… just that I miss you. And that I hope you're okay.

Sincerely, your Tara.

Willow…

Is this a punishment?

Is this why I got taken away from you? Why I can't be with you?

Maybe it's not a punishment for what we did wrong. Maybe it's just a warning.

"Can we just skip it?"

Was that the biggest mistake we made? Did we skip the things we shouldn't have?

I don't feel like we did. You're the one…you are… you're the one I'm supposed to spend the rest of my eternity with. I've known that since the moment I saw you. That immediate chemistry that made my heart pound and my cheeks flush… that made me love you before I even knew your name. But is a relationship like that doomed? A relationship where our love blossomed in hushed silence, when we couldn't even hear each other's voices? I was in love with you before I heard you.

Would we be where we are now if we hadn't "skipped it"? I doubt it. But it was so beautiful, all of it… I didn't want to slow down, not for a second. It's all been ripped away, but I still don't want to slow down. Everything came crashing down in a matter of seconds… but my mind still whirls with images of beautiful white dresses and music and laughter and tears and tiny little pink and blue outfits and weeny hands and perfect houses and a perfect life that seems, every single day, like it's getting further and further away…

But still, baby… can we? Can we just skip it?

Can you just be kissing me now?

Sincerely, with tears and hope, your Tara.

Willow…

You'd think I look better than ever, now. Turns out you don't need to eat in heaven. And when you don't eat much, you lose weight, and your skin looks better. And I don't have much to do anymore, so I lay out in the sunshine. I'm not so ghostly white anymore either.

None of it matters anymore anyway, does it? It's not like you can see me. But I still style my hair, and put on makeup… every single day…even when I'm not going anywhere. I think it's just because I like to look good. It's still all for you, after all.

I told you before… every breath I take, I'm taking for you. And every moment of my (un-)life I'm living for you. So I still pay attention to how I look, I still force myself to laugh and have fun and smile, because you once told me that you love my smile. So I make sure I use it… every day.

For you.

God I miss you, Willow. I miss you so much.

Why did this happen to us?

We were so happy. Why did that get taken away? Did we really deserve it?

I've had someone tell me it's just "karma". But for the life of me I can't think of something bad enough that I've done to deserve this. She named a few things… but they just proved to me that she doesn't understand. That no one does.

That you're the only one in the whole world who could possibly understand the way I'm feeling right now.

I wish you were here.

No.

I wish I was there.

I'm so, so sorry baby. I really am.

Sincerely, with love, your Tara.

My darling,

This heaven of mine is far from perfect… without you it couldn't even come close. But even though you're not here, my world still buzzes with you.

I gaze at the sky and I see your face in the clouds. The music that fills the air is beautiful… but it seems like every song is about you, and listening to it makes my heart ache. I wish I could see you right now. I wish I knew if you were okay… if I could just keep a watch over you…if I could just know that you're alright… but I can't. The Powers That Be won't let me. They say I won't like what I see… that interacting with you, even just looking at you, is the worst possible thing I could do right now.

What are they afraid I'll see, Willow? They tell me bad things. But I don't believe them… I shouldn't believe them, should I? You're not a bad person. You're not, you're not, you're not. You're my perfect angel… nothing is going to change that. Nothing you do, nothing you say. But they don't understand that. They still keep you from me.

I feel locked up. I thought death was supposed to give you freedom… but I feel more caged in than ever before.

You said you love me, that I'm your girl, your everything, your always. Is that still true? As each day passes, each day without you in it, I get more and more afraid. Afraid that you'll forget your promises. You said you'd always find me… Will… come find me now. Please…

Sincerely, your Tara.

Hope you enjoyed them? Idfk.