"How 'bout we skip right to the tiebreaker?" she crooned. "We could test your reach... and my flexibility."

Garrus blinked. Was she really...? Yes, she was. Oh, crap. Crapcrapcrap.

"You, uh," he began. "I... really? I, uh... never knew you had a weakness for men with scars."

"Do you have a weakness for women with scars?"

"I... never really did, no. But," he added hastily, seeing her discouraged face, "sure, I'd try it with you. I mean, why the hell not? There isn't anyone I trust more than you, after all."

She grinned and poked his cheek playfully. "So... are you really that good?"

"At what?"

"You know. 'Reach.'"

Garrus coughed suddenly. "I, err–"

"Don't worry about it, Garrus," she said, laughing. "I'll let you get back to work."

"Thanks, Shepard."

"You're welcome. But I won't be this merciful on you next time."

He was silent as she slipped past him, swaying hips and all, and exited the room. After the door slid closed he leaned on the wall and breathed in deeply. By the spirits, that was close.

A sudden voice interrupted his recovery. "Hey Garrus!"

Garrus jumped and turned to his terminal. "What...?" The screen flickered on and then he grinned. "Solana! How'd you get onto my station?"

"What I want to know is what you were just talking about with that human," Solana snapped on the orange-framed screen.

Garrus stopped short. Damn. Did she hear them just talk about...

~o~O~o~

"Hey Joker."

"Hey Commander. What's up?"

Shepard sighed. "Nothing."

"You know, I was going over some Shakespeare, and did you know that in the olde days the word 'nothing' was actually slang for v–"

"Dammit, Joker, now is not the time for this kind of dumbass stuff."

"Yeah, yeah... but if you ask me, 'this kind of dumbass stuff' didn't seem to bother you when you were talking with Mister Stick-Up-My-Butt."

"Joker."

"What?"

"Screw you."

Joker laughed. "Come on, you knew I'd do this kind of thing. I can't help it!"

"Yeah, you can. Or at least you damn well better."

"Yeah, I know..." He clicked a couple buttons. "Like that thing with Kaidan in the locker rooms."

"Uh huh. Way to interrupt us, by the wa– wait a minute! So you really were spying on us?"

"No, I honestly wasn't!" Joker raised his hands in innocence. "I just needed to find where you were first, and you were, you know, in the locker rooms with Kaidan." He grinned mischievously. "But judging by the way you talk about it I'm guessing there was something hot going on."

"Nothing was going on."

"Did I mention 'nothing' used to mean–"

Shepard kicked his chair. "Shut up."

She opened the shutters and watched the stars and nebulae fly by as Joker continued to pilot the ship. It was silent for a while, then he asked, "Gonna get some hot turian action, then?"

Shepard stiffened. "For the love of god, Joker. Really?"

"What can I say? I can't help it!"

"I know, but did you really have to listen to the entire conversation?"

"I don't know about you but I thought it was interesting," he explained. "Hence the eavesdropping."

"Yeah, but then–"

"Then you propositioned him," he finished, "and he actually agreed." He chuckled. "Don't blame you, I wanna know what a turian looks like without armor, too."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I cannot believe you, Joker."

"Yeah, well, don't worry. Only I heard it. No worries."

"Actually, Mr. Moreau," a metallic voice added, "I also heard it."

"Augh! Of course!" Joker cried out exasperatedly. "It's always listening!"

~o~O~o~

"What are you thinking, Garrus? She's a human. A human! You don't know how many things are wrong with that."

"Shh!" Garrus hissed. "No one else needs to know. And if you don't remember, she saved the entire galaxy. I think that's pretty self-explanatory."

"And what's more," the female turian on the screen continued, "she's your superior officer. Now there are about a million more things wrong with that. Besides, didn't you travel with her before?"

"Yeah," he admitted, "but Solana, that was different. Back then she was... she was..." He paused.

"Huh," Solana scoffed. "You're speechless. You really don't know what you've gotten yourself into, do you?"

"I do know," he argued. "It's just that then she was more focused on... on someone else. Another human."

"And now she's moved on to you? Don't let her hurt you, Garrus. It's dangerous."

"She'd never hurt me."

"Do you really know that for sure?" She shook her head and sighed. "Sometimes I worry for you about stuff like this. You don't deserve to get your heart broken. Not again."

He glanced down. "Yeah, I know. But right now she's all I've got."

"Just... make sure she really wants this, at least."

Garrus scratched the side of his head. "Wants... wants what?"

"To be with you."

"How do I even ask her? Hell, what do you want me to say? That I think she can find something closer to home?"

She shrugged. "Sure. I mean, there are humans where you are, right?"

"But what if she does realize that?" he fretted. "Because it's true, the entire crew here is human, and the only aliens are me and this salarian. And a krogan. And I don't–"

Solana laughed heartily. "Oh, spirits," she giggled, "it's true! You actually like her back."

He looked away. "She's my only real friend. If this is what she wants then I won't sacrifice my friendship for that."

"That's it? You're just going to let her walk all over you? You have to fight for what you want."

"What else can I do?" Garrus retorted solemnly. "I... she brought everything back. She saved my ass more than enough times. Hell, she saved this entire galaxy–"

"You said that already."

"–not the point. My point is, she should get what she wants. And if what or who she wants is me, then that's fine."

"I think," Solana suggested, "that's just your excuse." She snorted. "You're in love with a human. Don't worry, I won't tell Mom. She doesn't need any more stress than she already has. But think for yourself, Garrus. And do what you want."

Before he could reply, she had logged off. Garrus stood staring at the orange screen a little longer, thinking about what she had said.

What did he really want?

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this little thing I wrote while trying to shake off writer's block. Whoops! Forgot to edit. This is no longer a oneshot! Yay for reviewers pressuring me to write more! And thanks for reading :) Reviews and constructive criticism appreciated!

P.S. Sparknotes: No Fear Shakespeare: Hamlet: Act 3, Scene 2, lines 102-110, modern English

See what Joker was talking about. If you dare! This has been a "watch out for inappropriate stuff, kids!" warning, brought to you by Sathaeri, who is suffering from a severe case of writer's block and is reading Shakespeare to compensate for the sudden lack of inspiration. O_o