Memoirs of a Mage

The diary of Jessica Cutler
Cutler's Comments
The writings of Miss J. Cutler

20th Solace, 9:34

I had no idea it would be so hard to start this thing. I'll leave the title for later. I've been staring at this page for ten minutes now, and still don't know how to get it underway. Should I start with who I am? Or perhaps it would be better to explain why I'm writing this?

I guess who I am doesn't really matter. Suffice it to say that I'm a mage at the Gallows Circle in Kirkwall.

The why is probably more important. In a nutshell, I haven't been sleeping well, and a friend told me that it might help if I wrote everything down. That sounded simple enough, but when it's three in the morning, and you're staring at a blank sheet of paper, it's really not that simple at all. Maybe I should write down why I'm not sleeping well? It basically boils down to fear. One simple emotion can change who we are, how we behave, and what actions we take. In this Circle, fear is the dominant emotion; it hangs over us like a large storm cloud.

I've never really thought of myself as a nervous person. Even when I was brought to the Circle at the tender age of five, I just accepted the gloomy place as my new home. I don't jump at shadows, or scream at the sight of a spider, mouse, or rat, and yet here I am, soaked in sweat from another nightmare, trying to control the trembling of my limbs.

In my dreams I see a mage being dragged into a room, her screams and pleas falling on deaf ears. I stare through a small window, and see the mage being held down by rough hands as a templar approaches with a sizzling branding iron. The smell of burning flesh makes my stomach heave as the brand is pressed against her forehead. Then it's over, and in the frightening silence that follows, the mage turns emotionless eyes towards me.
And that's when I awake.
It sounds so silly when I read it through again, hardly worthy of the title of a nightmare.

I think I can hear footsteps, so I'd better get back in bed.

23rd Solace

I still haven't thought of a title for this... whatever this is. Today brought with it some excitement. We had a visit from Messere Hawke, not that I got to see him, but Bethany did. I guess that makes sense, as she is his sister. Jackie was there too, and she says he's quite a good looking man. However, she says that about every man she meets, even the templars. She spent a whole month mooning over our Knight-Captain - well, he wasn't a Knight-Captain when he came here, but he is now. Maker, but she was impossible during that time, always looking around for him. I do think she might be a few sandwiches short of a picnic, as I can't think of a reason why a mage would willingly follow a templar around.

Anyway, she soon got tired of him when he showed no interest, and now it seems she has a thing for Hawke. I hope she doesn't try to follow him around, because it sounds like he gets himself into some dangerous situations; and, of course, she can't just leave the Gallows whenever she feels like it. Now I've forgotten what I came here to write about. Oh well, I have to go now, it's my turn to tidy up the library.

29th Solace

Had the nightmare again. I think it's because of the rumours currently spreading like wildfire throughout the Circle. Everyone says that one of the templars wants to make us all tranquil, even if we've passed our Harrowing. I don't think he'd be allowed to do that, but then, the Knight-Commander has been acting a bit strange lately, so she might give him permission.

People are recalling some of the mages who have disappeared over the last few months, and are wondering if they were made tranquil. Or were they just killed outright? No one ate much at dinner, we were all caught up in our own thoughts. Later in the evening, I saw some mages gathered together, whispering about whether they could do anything to stop the 'tranquil solution'.
I stayed away from them. Templars are being evermore vigilant, and are quick to assume a conspiracy if they see mages standing around in groups.

Terry told me that the Knight-Captain is especially suspicious because of what happened at the Fereldan Circle. He said that Cullen used to work there, and that a mage had started a rebellion which had resulted in blood mages and abominations roaming the halls. I don't know if he's just trying to scare me. My eyes feel heavy, so I'm going back to bed. I hope I don't have any more nightmares.

30th Solace

No nightmares!