SCP: The Oddities

"Please maintain eye contact on SCP-173-J at all times!"

"Why?"

"If you don't, you'll be the one taking him outside… you blimey bastard."

"When did you get a British accent?"

"When did you start to question my orders? Now maintain eye contact with SCP-173-J!"

"Umm… I think he wants to go outside…"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because he's gone."

"What?! Where… oh, hi SCP-173-J."

"He's up there with you?"

"Yeah… oh, he wants attention. Run along now, you little scamp."

"… Are you okay?"

"Shut up D-8769. That is the proper containment procedure! You tell him to go play and he will! Now shut it!"

SCP-173-J

Description: Contained in Facility17 19923. Origin is as of yet unknown. It is constructed from concrete and rebar with traces of Krylon brand spray paint, as well as what appears to be state-fair-grade water-based face paint in a "cat face" pattern. SCP-173-J is animate and extremely playful. The object cannot move while within a direct line of sight. Object is reported to initiate interaction by standing uncomfortably close to subjects. Some personnel have reported low, asthmatic-sounding sniffling noises; these are presumed to be imaginary, or memetic, or something.

SCP-173-J's primary motive seems to be seeking attention; for example, if SCP-173-J encounters a researcher working on a computer or reading a document, and the researcher blinks, the sculpture will stand on the object in an attempt to gain the researcher's focus. If SCP-173-J is in a room possessing a window, it will sometimes take hold of a researcher's head and move it to face the window. This has been construed as SCP-173-J earnestly requesting to play outside. The established procedure for handling these situations is to pat SCP-173-J in a friendly manner and say "Run along now, you little scamp."

Note that SCP-173-J's action occurs too quickly for subjects to respond; when at full speed, the object is capable of completing three (3) shenanigans per second.

On 7/20/92, SCP-173-J appeared wearing a sombrero. The object entered a "fiesta state" in which, according to audio analysis, it produced and rapidly shook a pair of castanets while running in unoccupied rooms or hallways. The origin of this hat-based secondary phenomenon is unknown, but the Site Director determined that confiscating it or investigating the event in any other way would be, to quote the official directive, "interfering with forces beyond our comprehension". Facility17 staff have reported in official transcripts that this phenomenon was "loads of fun" and "like Christmas, Cinco de Mayo, and Free Pretzel Day at the cafeteria put together". Any staff who attempt to induce a "fiesta state" in SCP-173-J will be assigned to toilet bowl duty.

Personnel report the sound of scraping stone originating from within the container when no one else is present inside and the object is not under video surveillance. Freelance stone-scraping analysts have determined that SCP-173-J is practicing the dance of its people. This is considered normal, and any change in this behavior should be reported to the acting HMCL supervisor on duty.

The thick, brown substance on the floor of SCP-173-J's dwelling is [DATA EXPUNGED]-O brand chocolate pudding. Origin of this material is unknown. The substance poses no apparent danger, and is allowed to accumulate freely.

SCP-006-J

"Please approach SCP-006-J for testing."

"I don't wanna!"

"Do it!"

"It's scary!"

"True, but that's why we're using you. Now go up to it and see what happens."

"Ok… oh shit! It's on me! It's on me!"

Special Containment Procedures: Any instances of SCP-006-J that are discovered by Foundation personnel are to be left the fuck alone. Personnel are to contact Mobile Task Force Alpha 21 "Husbands" in order to dispose of the instance of SCP-006-J in a humanitarian manner.1 MTF Alpha 21 is to be provided with twelve (12) glass cups and twenty (20) slips of paper at all times.

Examination of any instance of SCP-006-J requires steady and careful movements. Any surprise of SCP-006-J may caOH SHIT IT'S ON YOUR FACE

Description: SCP-006-J is a collection of insectoid creatures that researchers agree are scary as balls. We're pretty sure it's memetic, but we're sure as hell not going near these things. I think I saw a stinger on one.

Discovery: I'm just walking through the hallway to my room, when I look in the corner and I see SCP-006-J-█. And this thing has these gigantic fucking eyes. Just staring at me like "I'm gonna fucking eat you." And I just get the fuck out of there.