Liam hadn't slept in one hundred and four hours.
Ruby was asleep beside him, her back pressed against his shoulder. He could feel every breath as her chest rose and fell, the motion soothing him. She's alive. She's safe. She's the only one left.
Sometimes her breathing would stop. Like it did at that moment. Her chest would still, and he could swear her skin paled considerably, the rosiness draining from her cheeks, her hair turning brittle and dull in the moonlight. For a few agonizing moments, he'd wonder if he was imagining her breathing- if he'd been dragging a corpse along with him for four days. It was in these moments that he felt lucid, like the haze had cleared and he was seeing things for what they really were. In those moments he felt truly alone and lost, and he realized that if the rest of his life was just the fabrication of a boy who had lost his mind, then he didn't want to be sane. If the rise and fall of her chest and the smiles she forced in the morning were something he created, then he didn't want to live in reality anymore. And he really couldn't ever be sure. Sometimes he wondered if he was even alive. But then he'd remember what happened, and the pain tearing his heart apart reminded him that it was still beating.
Liam held his own breath, counting the seconds in the dead silence, wondering if this time her soft inhale wouldn't break it. One one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand.
Liam scratched at his left wrist. It was a dirty habit he had picked up three days before. He would scratch and scratch, relishing the pain, sometimes until he bled. Twenty-five one-thousand, twenty-six one-thousand, twenty-seven one-thousand.
He scratched harder. The longest her breathing had ever stopped for was twenty-seven seconds. What would he do if she didn't wake up? Thirty-two one thousand, thirty-three one-thousand-. A soft sucking of breath stilled his hand. Her breathing started up again, slightly faster than before, but still steady, recovering from some dream.
He knew she had nightmares. He probably would too if he ever managed to close his eyes for more than a few seconds. But her dreams never woke her up, never pulled gasps or screams from her throat. A few times he had seen the tears run down her face, but she had not awoken from whatever horror she was reliving. And as horrible as it may sound, he was glad she stayed asleep. He couldn't face the disappointment on her face. He didn't know how to comfort the girl he loved, not when he couldn't even find peace in his own mind.
He hovered his hand over her mouth, his body relaxing slightly when he felt her breaths on his fingers. He couldn't imagine something like that, could he? Liam pushed himself up off the bed of the truck and hopped onto the ground, careful not to jostle the vehicle too much so as not to wake her. He needed to walk. He needed to die. He needed to feel something. He needed to forget. He took one last look at Ruby, who shivered at the loss of heat at her back, and pulled her windbreaker tighter around her body. The colour was back in her cheeks, her hair looked brighter, softer, than it had moments before. Maybe she just looked healthier when he wasn't there to drag her down. He shook his head roughly before trudging into the woods.
Over four days without sleep had made him slightly delirious. Thoughts would race through his head, sometimes they were dangerous thoughts, sometimes completely insane thoughts, sometimes innocently incoherent thoughts, but always, always there was the guilt. The guilt tore at his mind and heart, eating him alive, until he wanted nothing more than to die. But he still had Ruby- he had to stay alive for her. Or at least until he could safely deliver her to her family.
Liam pressed his palms to his eyes, the pressure creating a bright yellow light behind his eyelids. His head began to throb, but he kept them there. He wanted to see them, he wanted to suffer. And they did appear. They always did. Liam opened his eyes and they were all there. Pale and tinged ghostly blue, they were nearly transparent at this time of night. Claire. Jack. Mom. Harry. Zu. Chubs.
A sharp intake of breath. His vision swam. Chubs. Zu. Chubs and Zu. Zu and Chubs. He had sworn to protect them, sworn it. All of those other kids had died. He had failed all of them. But those two had survived, and he had promised to take care of them. A promise he had broken, like all his other promises. What was he even good for anymore?
Liam swung his fist at the nearest tree, wincing as the skin on his knuckles burst open on contact. He pulled his hand away and flexed his fingers. There was bark embedded in the bloody fissures.
'The cut has to be cleaned before I bandage it, otherwise you'll get an infection geniu's. Chubs' voice echoed in his mind. He saw Chubs walking towards him, eyes empty and white, no pupils, skin greying, mouth turned down in disappointment. 'God, you really are stupid'. His lips never moved, but Liam just knew these words were coming from Chubs. He began to panic. None of his visions had ever approached him before. They were always just there, haunting him, a reminder of his failure. Terror rooted him in place, waiting for his punishment.
'Why did you do this, Liam?' He wasn't talking about the punch anymore. Liam knew that.
A memory swam in his mind. Cole knelt on the ground, a gun to his head. His face was strong and sure. He had mouthed a word. Run. But he hadn't. He couldn't just leave his brother there to die. But because he had waited, because he had felt the need to be the goddamn hero, they had all suffered for it. Cole, Chubs, Zu, all with bullets in their heads, all because he hadn't let them run.
"I'm sorry, I don't know, I didn't mean to, I swear I never wanted you to get hurt!" Black blood trickled from a hole in Chubs' forehead that had not been there a moment before. He lifted a scrawny pale hand and reached for Liam, and that's when his instincts kicked in. He heard a loud crack from behind him, and before he even knew what he was doing, a branch about four feet long was sailing over his head and straight through Chubs, who dissipated into a sinewy cloud of smoke.
Liam braced his hands on his knees, breathing hard, tears rolling down his face, though he couldn't remember when he started to cry.
"No! Chubs, I didn't mean to-" Liam's voice was hoarse, as if he had been screaming. Maybe he had been.
The others were staring at him now, accusation in their dead, white eyes. Then, with a whoosh that knocked the air from his lungs, they rushed at him, pulling at his clothes. In a moment, his jacket was on the ground. All along his arms, the flesh puckered with goose bumps, either from the cold or his fear or probably some combination of both. Liam was thrashing, trying to push his imaginary demons off. But then he heard their voices. They were pleading and crying and begging and crying and he thought his head might explode with it all.
'Liam, please!' Liam squeezed his eyes shut. 'Why didn't you help us? Why didn't you save us'? Liam clamped his hands over his ears, though it did nothing to drown out the voices. 'You promised! You promised, Lee, you promised…'
They were in his head. He felt them crawling under his skin. He pulled at his hair, scratched violently at his arms, feeling the warm trickle of bloody down his frigid skin.
"Liam!" Liam's eyes shot open. Around him, there were a dozen tree trunks floating in mid air. Rocks and leaves and other debris hung frozen in the spaces between. There was a clearing where only moments before there had been a thicket of trees. And there was Ruby.
Her eyes were wide with concern and fear. He wondered what he must look like to her, half crazed and bloody, with tears and probably dirt strewn across his face.
"Lee…" Her voice was so soft, like she was approaching a wild animal. A dangerous wild animal. Him.
The world collapsed, dragging Liam down with it. He was on his knees, his fingers burying themselves in the dirt. And everything else had fallen too. It looked like a tornado had touched down on the thicket, creating it's own little pocket of chaos, then funneled up into the sky leaving this destruction. But it hadn't been a tornado. He had wreaked this havoc.
Ruby was climbing over tree trunks and mangled branches and misplaced stones, running towards him, falling to her knees in front of him, trailing delicate fingers over bloody, self-inflicted wounds. There were words but he couldn't understand them. His head was encased in glass, and he was deaf to the world. Her hands curled into his hair, pulling his forehead to hers. He felt her breath hot and shaky on his lips. He realized she was crying too.
"-did you do, Lee?" His head had cleared out of the fog. He felt the familiar tug that came with every touch from Ruby. The tug of her mind calling to his, only this time, he didn't want to fight it off.
Liam blinked once, twice. For the first time since everything happened, his mind was clear, sharp. There was no haze, no confusion, no voices or visions. Only Ruby, and what she could do.
His hands lifted to cradle her head, smearing blood on her blotchy cheeks. She smiled.
"It's okay, Lee. I'm here. It's okay, It's o-" His lips cut her off. The kiss was clumsy. His teeth knocked against hers, his lips couldn't find the right rhythm, the whole thing reeked of desperation. She tensed against him.
Liam forced himself to slow, to conceal his anxiety. He couldn't have his Green worrying about him. So he pulled back for a moment. Confusion flickered across her face. "I just want to forget, Ruby. Help me forget."
Her hands stroked his face, his neck, his shoulders. She nodded her head furiously. "I know, I know, God, I know, Lee."
He took a deep breath, then kissed her again, but this time his lips were less frantic, more passionate. She melted into the kiss, her hands slipping to the collar of his t-shirt, pulling him so that he was flush against her.
They hadn't kissed since it happened. They hadn't even really touched since then. His hand slipped to her lower back, up and under her shirt. Her skin was scorching hot, or maybe his hands were just frigid from exposure, because he felt her shiver against him. Then he was tugging at her shirt, up and over her head, and she removed his as well. He kissed her neck, her collarbone, her chest, stomach. He wanted to taste every inch of her while he had the chance. He knew what he wanted to do would make him irredeemable in her eyes, but he also knew he couldn't take his time. The longer he put it off, the more likely it was that she would figure it out before he had the chance to do it. So when their lips collided again, he made sure that every inch of his bare chest was pressed up against her. Then, he called to her.
He didn't know how to do it, because he had never done it before. Usually, his mind would put up its natural defenses every time they touched. And then, after her time with the Children's League, Ruby had learned to quell the 'invisible fingers' she had once described to him. But right then, when his mind was calling to her, begging for those fingers to come and pick at his memories, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. It felt like his memories were made to be forgotten.
Ruby froze in his arms. He worried that she would pull away, but she didn't. Usually, she had to break the connection, wasn't that what she said once? But she didn't. Liam wondered if she knew what she wanted. He wondered if she was resigning to give it to him.
He felt the fingers unfurl in his mind. His eyes shot open, and he saw that Ruby had done the same. Emotions flashed in her eyes. Panic, hurt, betrayal. Liam realized she hadn't pulled back because she couldn't. He was the one in control. He stopped kissing her, that would just be too cruel, and leaned his forehead against hers.
Her eyes welled with tears. She was furious, he could feel it. He felt the fingers pull back, but he kept calling to them. For a moment they stilled, being pulled by both sides in opposite directions. Then, all at once, they flooded his mind, and all the fight was gone from her.
"Why? Why would you do this, Liam?" Her voice was whisper soft. He felt the fingers begin to pick off memories. First Claire. The memory of her coughing up blood and wheezing through the night, her limp body in the crib, the funeral. Then gone, erased, leaving nothing but pain in the void they once held.
"Liam, please…" The tears were falling from her face, but he felt the fingers continuing.
Next was Jack and the other couple hundred kids he had failed. Liam felt Ruby's body shake with sobs. She just mouthed his name over an over and over again.
His mom, Harry, Cole, all gone.
Finally came the most painful memories. Chubs and Zu, Zu and Chubs.
"I just want to forget them. I deserve the pain, but I can't live with their voices calling out to me anymore. Please, Ruby." Ruby stiffened, she stalled the fingers.
"Please." He couldn't even be sure if she had said the word or just thought it, but it rang through his mind like a bell. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.
Flashes of memories with Chubs and Zu played in his mind. Zu twirling in a pink dress. Chubs sewing up a cut on his brow. The three of them dancing at East River, while Chubs sulked nearby.
This is a mistake. He couldn't forget them. He couldn't let go of those memories like that. How could he be so selfish? How could he choose to forget his family?
Liam broke the connection, the sheer force of it throwing them both back and away from each other. Every memory came flooding back.
"I couldn't, I couldn't do it. I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry, Ruby." Liam pressed his head into the ground, his voice breaking with sobs. His chest felt tight, like he couldn't breathe. It was like every memory was rushing through his mind at the same time, playing and replaying, good with bad with happy with sad. He felt Ruby press her lips to the back of his neck. She pulled him up and wrapped her arms around him, cradling his head to her chest.
"Shh, I know, Lee, I know. It's okay now, it's all going to be okay." Ruby wiped the tears from his face and rubbed soothing circles on his bare back. He was clutching onto her like she was his entire reason for living. And she was now. He had failed everyone else, and he would learn to live with that, he had to, but he still had her. He had to stay sane for her. He had to stay alive for her.
When Liam finally caught his breath, he felt lighter, and for the first time in four days, there were no voices. A rush of exhaustion swept over him.
That night, they slept on the forest floor, wrapped up in each other's arms, both grasping desperately at the other, surrounded by the evidence of his mental break. His arms were bloody, his body covered in dirt and leaves and debris, but he didn't care, because he was finally sleeping.