Author's Note:
Ok, for the disclaimers... I don't own Fushigi Yuugi or the song It Ends Tonight by the All American Rejects...
This chapter is in Hotohori's POV.
Characters' thoughts are in between the PAUSE and PLAY words..
Sorry for the slight or drastic OOC-ness... i wrote this in the dead of night so forgive me if it seems oh so emo or angsty... some of the words in this fic has been injected with major sap...
A Hotohori x Nuriko x Tasuki Fic ( Songfic)
EMOtions Productions
Fushigi Yuugi fanfiction
Brought to you by: this website
more chappies coming up... To be uploaded very soon... please review at the end... constructive criticism is very much welcome...
Now let's begin.
Chapter 1: It Ends Tonight
// Your subtleties
They strangle me
I can't explain myself at all. //
"Nuriko."
"Hotohori-sama?"
PAUSE
Nuriko, how long has it been since we first met? It's been months and everyday, I can't stop thinking about you. You are beautiful, every little thing in your body, in your personality, is beautiful.
Perhaps no one has told you yet of how much I really adore you. I see to it that I always keep a part of you with me even if it is a mere memory of you smiling. Your scent of lavender drifts to me as we pass each other in palace corridors. Your lips and nails are chiseled perfectly and everything about you pertained to a woman of elegance, finesse, and grace.
Yet inside you are also warm. I cannot deny the fact that you have accepted me for me. You have been by my side through thick and thin; still your loyalty and devotion is unfailing. You display this sort of happiness that just draws me to you and makes my heart beat with gladness as well.
I don't know how it came to be but ever since I met you, as I scrutinized your every detail, the want to hold you near me grew. I wanted to embrace you, to be with you, because… I love you.
PLAY
// And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don't want to need at all. //
"Do you know why I called you here tonight?"
"No, your majesty."
PAUSE
I turn around and the first thing I notice are your eyes. They're filled with concern and from what I sense, your expression gives away your curiosity tinted with worry.
You must be thinking that something is wrong. After all, I don't call you out often. I rarely do. But tonight, we're by the willow trees, you favorite spot, and I have never called you out here before. I just decided that it was time to let you know.
Oh Nuriko, tonight it's just you and me with no one else to interfere. For these few moments we are free - free to talk, free to love, free to dance with each other, free to embrace each other, and free to kiss each other. I couldn't ask for anything more than to be with you, just to stand on this very spot, without courtiers and advisers bombarding me with requests and papers. I smile an invisible smile as I take several steps towards you.
Of all the things in you I have taken a liking to, there is but one that I am quite uncertain of – your… gender. I know it shouldn't come in between our love as you have often said but to fulfill my duties as the emperor… you must see that it's not that easy. The advisers are pressuring me to take a wife and produce an heir immediately even if I don't want to. The people in Konan look up to me as a role model and encouragement even if I don't want them to.
PLAY
// The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone. //
"You see, I wanted to tell you something."
"What is it, your highness?"
PAUSE
Trust me, Nuriko. Trust me when I say that I would always want to be with you. I want to hold your hand like this forever. Wait… hold your hand? Like this? I didn't… oh… I look down and it seems you have taken my hand in yours. Do I really look that troubled to you? Your face appears to be more concerned now.
Over the months that have passed, I have been thinking. You... with me… together we would rule the empire. You would be my queen. It would be fine since everyone still knew you as the beloved Lady Kourin belonging to my harem. But surely after some months, people would discover our little secret. Everyone would know that the emperor of their land married a man out of own free will and actually enjoyed it. We would break the rules of taboo and imagine the shame I would bring upon the country if the people knew their emperor was gay and their queen was a cross-dressing man. If news such as that broke wide out, Konan would be ridiculed and citizens would be maltreated just because of one man's interests.
I know that what I'm saying may sound exaggerated to you. However, I also know that you of all people would recognize and understand the consequences that would befall Konan if you and I continued our love affair.
If I married you, who would be the one to succeed me? I love you, Nuriko. But somethings just can't be.
PLAY
// A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow. //
PAUSE
I have decided… that it is best to stop loving you. I do not know how or whether or not it is possible for me to do so. But I feel I must put the good of everyone before anything else. For the sake of Konan, Suzaku help me, I should stop this madness.
Nuriko, I can't even look you in the eye for if I do, tears of guilt and regret would start welling up and fall. You give my hand a gentle squeeze. I continue to hold yours firmly. You don't know how hard it is to think my love for you should end this way. You cannot imagine how hard it stabs me in the chest for saying it out loud.
I believe that all this is for the good, for the betterment of the empire. I will carry on with my responsibilities as this country's ruler without you. I will dedicate my life to protecting Konan and its people and leading them to peace and prosperity. I will make sure not to fail because if one of them falls into misfortune due to my own faults, for me it would fee like losing you all over again – and that is the greatest pain.
I suddenly feel like I do not want to be here. Even though I'm with you but have to hurt you and part with you in the end… it's not worth it. I do not want to cause you any more suffering. I bleed when you bleed.
PLAY
// When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight
It ends tonight. //
"I think this should stop. All of it."
"What do you mean?"
PAUSE
The look of sadness comes over your features. My eyes are searching for an answer to bring back the happiness that once was and never will be again after tonight. I'm starting to tremble. Why can't I just say it you directly? Everything. What you need to know. What you need to feel coming from me. What can't I say it? The agonizing sensation holds me back. The actual fear of letting you go hinders me.
But then, I must look at it from a different perspective. Once I say it, a problem would be solved… at the price of our broken hearts. Our unspoken love would end here. We would carry on two independent lives, forgetting everything we have shared.
All this is for the best. Please, keep that in mind. By doing this, by bringing myself away from you, it would also silence all thoughts and feelings of wanting to be near you. It would silence my disagreeable interest in another man. We would be clean of each other, and so not one of us would be subject to social condemnation, another thing I wanted to protect you from.
We'd start anew. We'd only be brave celestial warriors to each other, knowing and respecting the opposite only as a guardian of the priestess.
I see tears forming in your eyes. So you do know what I mean, Nuriko, your frown… please… it is difficult for both of us.
PLAY
// A falling star
Least I fall alone
I can't explain
What you can't explain. //
"I meant exactly what I said. We should end our little affair."
"Little affair? But Hotohori-sama…"
PAUSE
I look at you. Your lips start to twitch as the intent sighs of sobbing come. You don't show your real tears often. This must really break your heart.
I begin to recall the times we spent together, all the moments we smiled, hurt, and ultimately loved. Grinning a little wider this time, I cup your cheek. My eyes are filled with forced optimism as I incline you to look into them. This would be the last time I would every hold you like this. But you take my wrist and remove my hand from your face gently. Why? You were just beginning to remind me our special unspoken bliss when suddenly you fell reluctant.
Tell me, did I say something wrong? No, what kind of question is that? Everything I told you tonight was very wrong. All I'm feeling now is how I am constantly torn to shreds as each tear of yours drops. Anything that makes you feel bad is obviously not right. But it can't be helped.
It's sad. I never imagined this time would come so soon. I knew from the very beginning this romance of ours would come to an end due to the inexplicable uncertainties of fate. However, I really did wish with all my being that this little affair of ours would last.
PLAY
// You're finding things
That you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain. //
"But what?"
"What little affair? The only relationship we ever had was friendship and we treated each other as equals, as Suzaku celestial warriors, and now you want to end that?"
PAUSE
I look at you, my eyes full of perplexity, my mind vexed. What do you mean? Ending our friendship? Never! That was the only thing I was hoping to fall back on after tonight.
Suddenly it dawns on me… I never told you that I love you, have I? You are still unsure of my true feelings for you. You are not aware of our little affair because you do not know that I return your affections.
I close my eyes for a few moments. If I tell you the truth now, it would make it so much harder. The second you realize my love for you is the same second you realize the reason why I called out here - to end and diminish all the loving emotions we have for each other as suppressed as they already are. But I owe it to you to at least explain myself and my statement.
I opened my eyes again and found they were streaming with a few of my own tears. A look of subtle surprise shows on your face and before I knew it, I had pulled you into an embrace.
PLAY
// The walls start breathing
My mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone. //
"Nuriko…"
"Hotohori?"
"I love you."
PAUSE
I close my eyes again and just hold you tight. I cannot say anything more. I cannot bring myself to speak. You in turn do not ask me to explain myself. Perhaps you already understand why I love you so and why I want it to end. You did tense up a little in my arms when I finally said those three words. They may be useless now but…
PLAY
// A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow. //
PAUSE
I can feel you relax in my arms and you fall into the embrace. You slowly wrap your own arms around me and heave a sigh.
PLAY
// When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight. //
"I'm glad."
"What?"
"I'm so glad."
PAUSE
Why? And deeper we go into the embrace.
PLAY
"Hearing you say those three words… even if it just was for that one time… hearing the one I love say that… when I thought it would never come true… and knowing that you actually meant every word of it… Hotohori-sama, it is more than I could ever ask for."
// Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight. //
PAUSE
I do not know what to say. Before tonight everything was fine. Perhaps I should have just left you alone. Maybe it was better if I did not call you here and confess my love. You didn't know anything before this after all…
But I think you did know. You anticipated this moment. Somewhere along the way I became transparent to you. You thought the same thing I did, that this night would come. So you're ready. Hopefully, your heart not aileth too much.
But even so…
I'm happy… though it does hurt to say goodbye to our romance at the end of all of this, I'm happy that I finally told you that I love you. I'm glad that your pain of unrequited love would end for at least this brief moment.
Later on, we wouldn't have to suffer wondering how it would have been if I confessed my love for you because now we know how it is.
PLAY
// Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes. //
"I would rather have once, though painful and futile, uttered those three words rather than never."
"Once… rather than never is more than enough. Thank you..."
PAUSE
Now I have told you and showed you what I have wanted you to know, what I have wanted you to feel coming from me. I hope I have ended the uncertainty in your heart regarding my true feelings for you.
PLAY
// All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know //
PAUSE
I pull away slightly from the embrace to take your chin and lift your face closer to mine.
Tonight our two worlds collide and part. Into this kiss I put every last essence of my desires, passion, happiness and sadness, and my whole heart which belongs to you. All of these to dissipate onto your lips.
Warmth fills me, it envelops me. Then, I let you go.
Now I know that the few moments of freedom we had tonight had been well spent.
PLAY
// When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight
It ends tonight. //
"Good night, Nuriko."
"…"
PAUSE
Love is a funny thing. It can make us complete yet can also leave us completely empty.
PLAY
// Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight
It ends tonight,
It ends tonight. //
STOP
… EXACTLY …