Title: Matchmaker, Matchmaker

Author: Mindy

Rating: T, sexual situation implied

Disclaimer: Tina/NBC's property etc.

Spoilers: nah

Pairing: Jack/Liz only

Summary: The Moms make it happen. Post-ep for "The Moms" (then AU-ish).

-x-x-x-x-

Margaret Lemon approached Colleen Donaghy, white wine in hand, her step slightly slowed by an oversupply of alcohol. She took a seat next to Jack's mother in the darkened stalls which overlooked the studio floor, now jammed with cast, crew and their moms, all celebrating the completion of that night's show. In one corner of the stage was a makeshift bar and sitting at it, side by side were their two children, drinks in hands and postures relaxed, which in Liz's case meant slumped and in Jack's meant clearly on his way to being inebriated.

"Look at those two," Margaret murmured as she cozied up to Colleen. "Aren't they adorable?"

Colleen already had her eyes firmly fixed on their troublesome offspring. "Hm. Adorable."

Margaret leant closer so as to be heard over the thumping beat of the music. "Liz is so fond of Jack. She talks about him all the time."

Colleen's beady eyes shot her a sideways glance. "Does she now?"

"Oh yes," Liz's mother nodded eagerly. "All the time. He's been such a good friend to her over the years."

Her gaze returned to the pair perched on barstools, yelling in each other's ears. "Friend…yes..."

Margaret paused a moment, sipping her wine. Then she asked in a way that was meant to be discreet, "Is he seeing anyone at the moment, your Jack?"

Colleen frowned at her son. "Unfortunately he has his hands rather full."

"Oh." Margaret's permanent smile faltered momentarily. "Well…I imagine he's quite the catch."

"I'm sure he likes to think so," Colleen muttered. "But frankly, I'd prefer to see him settled. I'd like to know that my Jackie will be well looked after when I'm gone."

Margaret nodded. "Maybe he will choose to settle down with his current lady love…?"

"That's what I'm afraid of." Jack's mother paused, then turned to face the other woman. "Margaret- er, may I call you Margaret?"

Margaret Lemon's face lit-up with pleasure. "Why, of course, Colleen! After all, we are fellow cast mates now."

"We are indeed." Colleen plastered a smile on her face that didn't entirely take. "Well, Margaret, I'm going to be completely blunt with you."

"Oh, I wish you would be," she breathed, eyes suddenly serious.

"I want my son to marry your daughter."

"Oh my…!" Margaret gasped, one hand going to her chest. "Well!" she let out a flustered little giggle. "That is blunt. Well…I think that's a wonderful idea!"

Colleen tipped up her chin. "You do?"

"Why, yes," she enthused, obviously very taken with the idea. "They get on so well. We all adore Jack, you know. He's so handsome and charming. And Liz is such a beauty and so clever! What a wonderful couple they'd make. Just think of the grandchildren!"

"I have."

"They'd have beautiful hair, don't you think?"

"Yes-"

"They'd be such smart little kids too!"

"Uh huh."

"And I'd so like to meet my grandchildren before I forget who they are."

"Sorry?"

"Liz is very good with young ones, you know."

"Is she."

"And she has– well," Margaret leant closer, lowering her voice to a delicate murmur, "what we'd call in my day, a good baby bucket."

"I'd noticed that," Colleen drawled. "More importantly, she's the only woman who seems able to put up with Jack for more than five minutes. She'll stick. And that's what he needs."

Liz's mom smiled benignly. "We Lemons are a loyal bunch."

"The problem is," Colleen went on, tone full of motherly concern, "that neither one of our children seems to be in much of a rush to settle down."

Margaret bobbed her head. "You may be right there, Colleen."

"But neither is getting any younger."

"Now, that is true," Margaret waved a finger as though her daughter was in front of her, not the other side of the studio. "I've told Liz many times that she's far past a normal marriageable age. But she does like to do things her own way, in her own time."

Colleen nudged her with an elbow, adding good-humouredly, "We're not getting any younger though either, am I right?"

Margaret tittered, delighted by the sudden show of camaraderie. "That's very true too, yes, that is true…" She cast a glance at her daughter now dancing with a chubby member of the crew while Jack looked on, shaking his head at her ungainly moves. "Well…I could have a little word in her ear if you think it would help. I can be very subtle when I want to be."

"I don't doubt it," Colleen replied, also watching. "But I think we're a little beyond that."

Margaret blinked at her. "What do you mean, Colleen?"

"I've been dropping hints at those two for years-"

"You haven't! Oh, how wicked!"

"And look at them."

Both mothers turned and watched. Just in time to see some move of Liz's crack Jack's face into an involuntary smile. He hid it in his drink, still shaking his head in disapproval. But Liz caught his grin and proceeded to repeat the move, over and over, hamming it up, dancing towards him until Jack had no recourse but to grab her elbow and haul her off the dance floor to save her further shame. Liz kept grooving as he did, taunting him into moving along with her and eventually freeing herself from his grip. At the bar, she downed the rest of her drink, made a face at the taste then returned to her sweating, crumping dance partner while Jack turned his attention on one of the tipsy TGS dancers.

"They're both," Colleen murmured, disheartened by the display, "if I may say so, completely clueless."

Margaret hummed thoughtfully. "Matters of the heart never were Liz's strong suit."

"Nor Jack's." Colleen turned to her, all her powers of persuasion engaging. "So…I propose we give Cupid a little helping hand. Or an almighty shove, if you get my meaning."

"I don't know, I've never been one to interfere," Margaret said, an uncertain glimmer in her eyes. "I don't like to meddle in my children's decisions. But I suppose…if it's for their own good..."

"And the good of our future grandchildren, don't forget."

Margaret's hands clasped together, the glee returning to her face. "Grandchildren!"

Colleen gave an unprincipled shrug. "Now, personally I don't have an issue with a moderate level of deceit-"

"You know, I've always said, Colleen, that a little deceit is fine…when it's for Love."

Colleen smiled. "My thoughts exactly."

"So then-" she leant in, glancing to each side before asking excitedly, "did you have something in mind?"

Colleen rose abruptly, stuck out her elbow. "Walk with me, Lemon."

Margaret rose, weaving her arm into Colleen's. And off they went. Conspiring.

-x-

The Morning After…

She woke with a big head resting on her chest. And a big hand nestled happily between her thighs. Both of which belonged to Jack. The head, the hand, along with the rest of him, which included the thing poking her hip - she knew who it all belonged to before even opening her eyes. She knew from the way he breathed, the way the sheets smelled, the way his body felt against hers. Not that she'd ever felt him or smelt him so up close and personal before. But Liz knew it was Jack. The body asleep next to her, on top of her, entwined with hers, could be none other than Jack Donaghy's.

She lifted her hand, watched it slowly reach down to his beefy bicep and pinch. Hard.

The heavy head lifted. "Ow!" He glared up at her, hair askew and eyes half open. "What…what was that for?"

"I was checking to see if you were dreaming," she said, her voice scratchy in her throat. She offered her arm to him. "Now pinch me."

Jack looked baffled, but pinched her.

"Harder, Jack."

He pinched harder.

"Do it hard! Come on!"

He shot her a look, found the fleshy part of her arm with his fingers and twisted mercilessly.

"Ow!" Liz drew her arm away. "Not that hard..." She rubbed the red skin, letting out a large huff. "Okay, so this is not a dream. Neither of us is dreaming. So…this is really happening."

"It appears so," Jack murmured, shifting off her and onto his back, propped on his elbows. "Where are we anyway?"

Liz sat up under the tousled bed sheets, looking around the spacious hotel room. "I don't know, I don't remember…"

Jack glanced at her, remarking after a pause, "I must say, you're taking this rather well."

"I know," she answered warily. "It's freaking me out. I think maybe it's because I'm still holding out hope that you're wearing pants under there, even though I'm not."

Jack nodded his head towards a scatter of clothes by the door. "My pants are over there, Lemon. Along with your bra and panties. Or at least, what I assume are your bra and panties since you are the only semi-naked woman in this room and they look close to disintegrating into dust particles."

She blinked at the incriminating pile. "Right. Well-" she lifted her hands then let them drop into her lap. "We did it! I mean…I don't remember it. But we must have. Who gets naked just to sleep?"

Jack blinked slumberously. "I'm guessing you don't."

"Darn right, I don't. So then we did it. It's the only- you and I…did…stuff…with…each other." She looked over at him, nose scrunched up. "Do you remember…anything?"

He met her eyes, let them drop over her. "Ah, no…I do not."

"Then quit smirking."

"I was not smirking."

"You were smirking before."

"I'm not awake enough to smirk. I was yawning."

"You're pantsless and smirking and it's not okay, Jack. Oh boy…" she took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself, "here comes the freaking out part." She looked at him again, nibbling on her lower lip. "Do you think there's any chance we didn't…you know, do each other?"

"I doubt it. I have that feeling."

"What feeling?"

"You know…the morning-after feeling."

Liz shook her head, not understanding.

Jack raised his brows expectantly. "The feeling where you're all satisfied and euphoric after a night of unbelievable sex…?"

She drew back, clearly appalled. "It wasn't unbelievable, don't say it was unbelievable, how do you know if was unbelievable?"

"Because I was involved," he reasoned, then squirmed uncomfortably, adding, "And I have the scratches on my back as proof. Plus, there's the feeling." His eyes slid over her face. "The feeling doesn't lie, Lemon."

Liz looked away, glancing around the unfamiliar room again, the carpet strewn with hastily divested clothes. "Yeah, well…I'm having plenty of feelings too and euphoria is not one of them."

"Maybe not now," Jack said, sitting up in the bed, sheet arranged over his lap. "But even without remembering particulars, I can guarantee that last night-"

She waved a hand. "No! You can't!"

"I'm just saying-"

"Well, don't."

"If you need further proof-"

"Noooooo."

"Might be one way to jog our memories."

She fixed him with a look, pulling the sheet closer to her chest. "I don't want my memory jogged. If we went to town on each other then I consider it a minor blessing that I don't remember the details."

Jack let out a sigh, his tone turning sharp. "Lemon, if you suppose this is my most pleasant morning after experience, then you are sadly mistaken. Quite the opposite. And I once made love to-"

"Kathy Hilton. I know, I remember, and telling me once was enough. Oh God…that means I slept with someone who slept with a Hilton." She collapsed back on the bed, hands covering her face. "Augh, how did this happen?"

There was a heavy silence.

Then Liz muttered from behind her hands. "Oh…pinch me."

"I already did."

"Jack…" She drew her hands down, eyes open. "Do me a favour and look at your left hand and please tell me you don't see what I see."

Jack lifted his left hand, noting for the first time the simple gold band on the most significant of his fingers. "Well…that's…interesting."

"'That's interesting'?" she spat, showing him the matching band on her hand. "That's all you have to say to this?"

"I'm still waking up." He lifted his hand to his forehead, eyes closing over. "And now that the euphoria is fading, I think I might have the world's worst hangover, which your shrieking is not helping."

Liz hung her head, she shook it back and forth, muttering beneath her breath, "I can't believe this, I just don't believe this…The last thing I remember is your mom handing me a weird drink at the after-party and BAM! Next thing I know, I wake up married. To you. And having morning after sex feelings about sex I can't even-"

"That's interesting," Jack mused quietly.

"What's interesting now?"

"The last thing I remember is your-" he cut himself off, then chuckled darkly. "Oh-ho…she is good..."

Liz's eyes widened. "…Who?"

Jack turned on her, his face lit with comprehension and something akin to excitement. "Colleen! Don't you get it? This is classic Colleen. She did this to every one of my brothers."

"Did what?"

"How else do you think those losers got married?"

"Not liking what that comment implies."

"And now she's got your mother in on the act as well." He wagged his head in twisted admiration. "Oh, she is diabolical."

"No," Liz protested, "my mom would not do this. She's not sneaky like your mom is. My mom is nice, okay?"

"Never underestimate the lure of cute grandchildren, Lemon."

At this, her face dropped back into her hands. "Oh my God, did we even use protection-?"

"Not many menopausal women can resist the pull," Jack went on, still focused on his mother's ruse. "And Colleen will use it, she'll use anything to get her way. She's wanted this for years. And now…she's got us."

"No. No! It is not going to work. Not this time. Whatever her scheme is, however she did this, last night was all just a giant mistake and if we did say 'I do' to each other it was under duress or on drugs or something and that crap can be annulled. This is the land of the free, dammit, it's like, the law."

"Wait a second there." He touched her arm. "I'm Catholic."

Liz scoffed. "Oh, come on. You're not a real Catholic. You sleep around all over the place and defraud million-dollar companies. And I've never seen you pray. You're the most un-Catholic Catholic I know."

"But even a lapsed Catholic takes the vows of marriage very seriously."

"Including the ones you don't remember taking?"

"If our marriage was consummated-"

Her hands flew to her ears, clamping over them as her eyes shut tight. "Don't say that word! Don't say either of those words!"

"In any case," Jack went on grimly, "the point is moot. Because this thing will be watertight. We can count on that. Colleen will have made sure of it. We may be stuck with each other for life, Lemon…in good old Murphy tradition."

Her hands crept down. Her head began to shake before words came out. "But I don't want to be married to you. I won't-" she tugged at the ring on her finger but it wouldn't budge. "Okay, the ring won't come off but I never agreed to this. Not in my right mind. I don't want you as a husband. You're…" her eyes ran over him, "you're glib and weird and hairy."

"I could say the same about you," he noted, eyes running over her in a similar manner. "At least, from what I felt under the covers earlier."

"Okay. Out! Now!" She pushed at his big body with both hands, kept pushing until he toppled out of the bed. "Pants! Now!" She scrambled out the other side and faced him across the massive bed. "And for the record, did I know I was going to be all naked in bed with someone? No, I did not. I did not have time to wax my stuff. Not that you can talk, you big hairy- would you put on a freaking shirt, already?"

Jack clasped a pillow over himself, replying calmly, "I believe that's my freaking shirt you're wearing, lover."

Liz looked down at the crinkled white shirt. She looked back at him. "I need food," she muttered, and made a beeline for the room service menu.

"Ah…Lemon…?" Slipping on boxers, Jack headed over to a set of double doors with half opened shutters. He opened them, stepping out onto a small balcony, wincing a moment into the bright sunlight. "You might want to take a look at this."

She looked up from the menu. "Why? What now?"

Jack beckoned and she followed, joining him on the balcony. The balcony that overlooked a completely unfamiliar landscape. For a moment, they both just stared, dazed and confused and silent, attempting to orient themselves or recognize something of their surroundings. Anything.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto," Jack said after a long silence.

Liz blinked at the picturesque view, then gulped. "Oh boy…You are not a good husband, you should not have let me see that before coffee." She promptly retreated back inside their suite without another word.

Jack took a longer look at the lazy street below, the glittering expanse of water, the perfectly cloudless sky, the windowboxes of flowers. Then he turned, looking down at his hand. He turned it palm up and down, examining the band there. He tried to pull it off but his too seemed to want to cling tight. He looked over at Liz, phone at her ear, ordering his eggs the way he liked them. He looked at her sleepy lashes and her dishevelled hair and at the legs extending out from under his dress shirt.

"Interesting," he mused as his gaze lingered an extra moment. Or more. "Very…interesting…"

END.