Title: Anything but
Disclaimer; Nope I don't own any of the Naruto characters.
I counted at least seven of the fairy lights above us broken before Ino abandoned her attempts at lighting the cigarette she so desperately craved flinging the useless lighter more at a trash can than into it. Her mood remained foul as we stepped back into the side street and the whirling winter snows.
"Hang on." I was quickly and efficiently jerked by the rabid blonde towards the back exit of some building and the lone figure hunched over outside it ghosted by wisps of grey smoke. I guessed it was a restaurant pretty quickly given the dark man's attire, beneath his hooded sweater a smeared and stained apron peaked out.
"Got a light handsome?" He was handsome but his expression was anything but as he turned on us brow tight and lips curled in a cruel snare. The severity lessened as he recognised my outgoing companion and all but deflated as he shuffled about in his pocket pulling free a battered old zippo.
"Thought you had tonight off Uchiha." Spoke the blonde carefully dipping into the more sheltered area. Suddenly I recognised the tall dark man before me, Sasuke Uchiha the angry little boy who was never without another angry little blonde, though whether they were comrades or enemies changed quicker than the wind most days.
"Supposed to but you know old Kakashi." Answered Sasuke his eyes shifting to me properly for the first time since we'd interrupted his cigarette break, Ino followed the trail pretty well and linked arms with me grinning good naturedly.
"You remember Hinata right, she used to go to school with us." Introduced the Blonde bright eyed, the man almost looked apologetic as he shrugged and admitted that he didn't recall. The Yamanaka gave a tut and scolded him to little apparent effect.
"W-well then, I'm Hinata Hyuuga. Nice to meet you." I stepped in stuttering a little as I offered my old classmate my gloved hand feeling a little out of water, was a handshake the appropriate gesture to make, I wasn't going to curtsy or bow at any rate so a handshake was the best he'd get.
"Sasuke Uchiha." He grunted taking the offered limb in a firm grip. Through the material of my glove I could feel the heat of his bare skin, and for a moment shivered for entirely different reasons as his eyes found my own. The contact broke a moment later as the back door cracked open and an irate brunette woman began an angry tirade that loosely translated either demanded Sasuke back to work or was a declaration of war. Could have went either way really.
The second time we met he parked himself down in the chair across from me in a crowded coffee shop, though I didn't actually see him until he spoke up.
"I never really bought the romance, he's just the authors avatar and she lost all semblance of personality after puberty." I glanced up at him and away from my book not really processing his words at first, I mean how often does someone open a conversation by criticising your reading material.
"Sasuke, you've read this?" From what I'd recalled of the boy he and Naruto mostly read comic books, not classic French literature. Still reading the book seemed much more probable than him having seen the play.
"A few years ago, sorry the other seats were taken." He answered with an apology drawing my attention to the fact that while I'd been absorbed in mister Valjeans woes the coffee shop had filled up rather dramatically. I also noticed he was again dressed in his work attire though a thick leather jacket had joined the mix.
"Working?" I asked hoping for an easy neutral subject. I'd never spoken much with the man when we'd been in school and I was a little hesitant to now, he'd had something of a rough streak.
"Start in about an hour." He answered blowing tentatively on his coffee before sipping it his face scrunching up in either repulsion at the bitter taste or the scalding heat. It was a pleasantly human thing for him to do.
"Maybe I'll come in later, how's the food?" I tested the water wondering if I should try for a discount on the grounds that…well I liked getting discounts.
"Pretty awful, but if you do go in I'd avoid the soups, desserts or anything with the word spicy involved. And avoid the brunette waitress at all costs." Few could give a restaurant review in such a way that it sounded like advice for entering a warzone. I gave a laugh and it earned a miniscule smile from the man.
"Why should I avoid the waitress?" I asked draining the last of my now nearly frozen beverage. Something in the man's eyes twinkled.
"Tenten has a…bizarre temper. She gets offended by things mostly at random and I'm pretty certain for shits and giggles. She spent twenty minutes shouting at guy just last week for wearing white jeans." He took another sip of his drink grimacing slightly less before he continued.
"Though to be fair, he did look ridiculous." He had more stories between the psychotic waitress Tenten, their eccentric boss Kakashi and even a few of his own moments of madness to keep me giggling. As I hit my third cup of ginger tea and the Uchiha rose to make his way to work I found my book lying abandoned and that I was already missing the false exasperated tone Sasuke had told his stories in.
I found myself sitting in the same coffee shop a few days later pretending to read as I waited to see if he made a habit of stopping for coffee.
That's how I found myself here really, pausing in the chilling evening weather on my way home from my sisters on Christmas eve.
"Need a ride?" I shivered as the Uchiha squeezed into my tiny car his knee's bent awkwardly. He did look somewhat adorable though pouting with his hair sprinkled white from the falling snow outside. I guessed the thought must have shown on my face as he threw a mock glare my way.
"So where are you heading stranger?" I asked pulling carefully back onto the road, the sun was almost completely set now and I didn't feel like spending Christmas day in the emergency room.
"Just to the end of the road to pick up Naru." He answered pointing out the brightly light establishment. As I pulled into the parking lot I couldn't help notice several suspicious little clues, such as the ten foot lit up stripper shaking her ta-ta's.
"So you guys are still friends huh?" I asked ignoring the more obvious line of questioning.
"Flatmates, the dobe works here by the way." He answered both my spoken and unspoken question. I supposed my childhood crush working behind the bar of a strip club was marginally better than him being a patron of it.
"I haven't seen Naruto in years, has he changed much?" I asked as we came to a full stop in front of a sign promising a free dance with every three vodka cranberries, vital information to be certain.
"What age were we then ten, so physically yeah. But inside same old Dobe. Come in with me." he half offered half ordered, either way I was happy to spend a little more time with the intriguing man and to meet my old flame.
"How'd he get working here anyway?" I asked as the Uchiha led the way leading us to a table in the far corner thankfully far away from the stage. My cheeks felt like they were a flame as a lively waitress skipped over her southern dawdle as fake as her unnaturally perky breasts…not that I was jealous or anything, or had looked at all, or…
"You know he was raised by his aunt right?" asked the Uchiha before he ordered a beer, despite the sudden temptation I refused the offer of a drink.
"Tsunade right, very nice woman." I answered recalling the maternal if slightly temperamental blonde. The Uchiha snorted.
"From your point of view I suppose, you know what a feminist is right?" Asked the Uchiha and I wondered exactly where this was going. I nodded anyway.
"And you know what a Nazi is right." He continued taking a long swig of his beer as the waitress brought it over flashing a cheery grin.
"You're not going to tell me Naruto became some he-man woman hater because his aunt was an extremist are you?" I asked unbelieving of what the Uchiha was trying to imply, that certainly wasn't the sweet kid I remembered.
"Not exactly. She only got bad after Naru's Uncle…well needless to say it left some issues." I was still wrapping my head around the idea that Naruto had changed so much when another woman approached our table planting both hands on the man's shoulders and flashing me a slightly confused smile before her eyes widened in recognition and I felt my own do the same.
I think my jaw might have come unhinged.
"Hinata…what are you doing here?" asked the blonde sweeping me up in a tight friendly hug, idly I thought I heard Sasuke mutter something along the lines that he should have warned me better. No shit.
"She gave me a ride Dobe." Grunted the dark man standing and draining his drink as the blonde blinked his, um her bright blue eyes and glanced back at me a hopeful grin on her painted lips.
"You're coming to the party?" she asked half pulling me out of the seat with her as she scrambled to her feet.
"Um party?" I asked confused, though not necessarily about the word party itself. Rather my mind was having trouble processing the idea that my childhood crush was now apparently a stripper, wearing high heels and had the largest breasts I'd ever seen…it was sort of a lot to take in you know.
"You didn't tell her bastard." Berated the blonde whacking her roommate playfully. I couldn't figure if it was relieving or more disturbing that the Uzumaki actually still acted very much like himself, um herself.
"It's your party Dobe, not mine." Muttered the Uchiha pocketing his hands as the blonde shot him a glare and a huffed 'fine'.
"Okay Hini, you get to come to my super Christmas party tonight." I noticed there wasn't actually a question in there as Sasuke led the way back out and my old crush bombarded me with random questions. Job? Married? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? Want one? What do you think of Sasuke? Really there just seemed to be no logic to his, um her line of rapid fire questioning.
The apartment the twosome shared was how you'd expect a drunken child to decorate a dive motel room. The walls were a sickly off-white put hardly showed through beneath all the decorations- mostly bright orange and blue nature. An entire wall was taken up with pictures of the odd couple and their friends. A large blown up one featured a little less than a dozen people at the beach and from the looks of it Naruto may have been trying to strangle the Uchiha rather ironically with a life preserver. I didn't miss the beat-up guitar lying in the corner either and wondered whom played it.
"Nice place." I offered politely, the blonde accepted the praise happily while her roommate assured me there was no need to lie. I couldn't help a small giggle as they bickered some more the Uchiha drawing three bottles of some foreign beer from the battered fridge.
"So um Naruto, who's coming tonight?" I asked trying to make small talk though quickly becoming embarrassed as the blonde corrected me on her name in a friendly tone.
"The guys." She answered noncommittally as her companion rolled his eyes.
"She broke her phone last week, we've no idea who'll actually turn up." Elaborated Sasuke smirking and I saw Naru pull a familiar expression laughing as she scratched the back of her neck. I took a long drink.
"Okay house rules Hini, no smoking in the living room do that crap in the kitchen, if you throw up you clean it up and if you're going to shag someone don't do it in my bed." Rambled the blonde shooting Sasuke a dirty eye at the smoking part before she disappeared to change. I couldn't help notice the kitchen and living rooms weren't in fact separate rooms and raised the question to the Uchiha.
"Placebo effect, the whole place smells like smoke but she only notices it if she sees it happening." He answered shaking his head sadly at the apparent weirdness.
"You doing alright?" he asked more concerned after a second his eyes darting to the door Naruto, Naru had just exited from. I gave a nervous laugh.
"Yeah, it's just a little strange getting used to it. Confusing pronouns and all that." Plus I kept finding myself looking for a bulge and questioning just how close the two friends were. Would it be offensive to ask? Almost certainly.
"You get used to it, as I said barring the tits same old same old really." He shrugged, somehow the stoic Uchiha did seem exactly the type to just shrug and write off his best friend showing up with boobs one day or barely notice.
The night progressed rather rapidly after the guests started to fill up the tiny apartment. I lost count as the dazzlingly bright dressed Naru forced me into jello shots with her. The last I saw of her she was trying to threaten some hapless brunette into letting her do one off his stomach.
I found the Uchiha drinking in the corner with a leggy brunette and a tall man with orange dyed hair. He'd ditched his sweater and for the first time I noticed his tattoos, one of a cobra wrapping around his right wrist and the other a lion head that just poked out beneath his t-shirt on the right arm.
"Teagan Williams, cuisine transport specialist at Kakashi's Café de Amor." Introduced the brunette flashing me an off-white but pleasant smile and offering a hand. The tall man snorted.
"She's actually Tenten a waitress at cock breath Kakashi's shitty diner. I'm Juugo." The tall man volunteered next earning himself an elbow to the ribs and an unladylike insult from the brunette.
"Um so what're you guys talking about?" I asked unnerved at having so many eyes on me at once, it didn't help that these three all held some of the most intense gazes I'd ever seen.
"Tattoo's. Sassky's thinking of getting another and wanted to see what fire head here can do. I'm his best work." Answered the brunette with a crooked grin turning and pulling up her tank top's back. Over her shoulder blades and down dipping beneath her waist band a naked warrior woman I suspected was supposed to be her slaughtered and chased down monstrous demons. In terms of subtlety and symbolism I easily recognised that Tenten's body art meant she'd beaten up subtlety and symbolism and slept with their mom before calling them gay.
"Wow that's very…impressive." I remarked hoping my hesitance wouldn't be interpreted correctly as she pulled her shirt down and flashed me a happy smile.
"Thanks much better than Sassies little ones." She chastised blowing a raspberry at the Uchiha.
Several more shots in- one of which may or may not have been off someone's stomach- things began to get very blurry. At some point Sasuke had taken up the guitar and Naru had deemed herself a singer, it had been strange hearing her belt out 'I will survive' to a guitar that was clearly playing 'Angie' and just a little endearing when they did 'Fairy tale of New York'…even if I had to avoid thinking too hard on the lyrics and even if they forgot the words half way through and just looped the chorus until they grew bored.
The more sensible guests cleared away soon after until there was only a few of us left to play drinking games.
"Never, have I ever, slept with my roommate." Called the tattoo enthusiast Tenten drawing a drink from both Sasuke and Naru. Eyebrows raised quickly as a vehement denial poured from both of them, well really just Naru. Sasuke merely muttered something about there not being enough money in all the world.
"Never, have I ever, proposed to someone." I offered on my turn bizarrely feeling embarrassed for not coming up with something dirty like everyone else. Still I was surprised when the young Uchiha drank a long hard swig…it might have been a bad question.
"Never, have I ever, stalked someone." The brunette Naru had been chasing earlier, Kankuro, put in. Nobody drank but several heads did turn the now pouting blondes way.
"Drink Naru." Commanded the Uchiha his voice edged appropriately for the seriousness of the situation. Not drinking when you had done it, was there ever a greater crime in history.
"That wasn't stalking, it was advanced courtship." Defended the blonde folding her arms in a visual display of her defiance.
"If there's a restraining order involved then it's stalking Naru." The Uchiha claimed victory and the reluctant blonde took a swig glaring at him all the while.
"Never, have I ever, been arrested." The night continued on in a gruelling fashion as despite drinking the least of everyone involved my memory, motor skills and ability to speak coherent sentences evaporated swiftly and my mind faded to black.
Part 1 of my Christmas 2-shot. Naturally as I'm Irish the only way I know of making people happy is by making them sort of sad. So witness the characters with their character defects ramped up to eleven and there luck completely down the drain.
So yeah I made Naruto sexy jutsu translate to gender confusion helped along by a Jiraiya less bitter Tsunade. Sasuke's working a dead end job and unmarried despite the fact he's proposed- more on that later. And Hinata remains something of a mystery to be revealed in the second part.
Let me know what you think. And a cookie for anyone who can tell me what book Hinata's reading.
R&R