Anna's Birthday Banquet
I used to take my little sister by the hand every evening before dinner and tip toe as quietly as possible into the kitchen to try and guess what was being served that night for dinner. We rarely ever got caught. I still remember the way Anna would try to keep all her giggling to a minimum while we watched the kitchen staff freak out when the soup they had worked hours on was frozen solid. We got in so much trouble that one night she blew our cover by tripping over a large sack of potatoes.
Ever since Anna's memory of my magic was wiped, dinner, or any meal really, is a very lonely ordeal for being my most social part of the day. Anna and my own tutoring sessions are arranged so that our meals are about thirty minutes out of sync, so we only ever see each other if the meal is so good that Anna goes back for thirds.
Today is different. It's Anna's tenth birthday, and she's been talking about how a "huge birthday banquet" is all she wants. You might ask how I know this if I've rarely seen the girl for the past six years or so. To that I'd say that from the volume of that girl's voice, the whole kingdom of Arendelle probably knows, and I'm pretty sure the gates are soundproofed.
So unless our mom and dad are deaf, or completely devoid of a heart, I'm going to be cordially invited to the birthday banquet for Princess Anna of Arendelle, considering I'm one of the very few members of this castle who won't be busy serving the meal.
Not inviting you wouldn't make them heartless, I remind myself, biting my lip, trying harder to focus on my reading. You're a danger to Anna. Not inviting you would make them human.
Sometimes I wonder if I count as a human. Most people can't even touch ice for more than a few minutes without getting frostbite, but for me, ice runs through my veins and cools every inch of my skin. When I hold my hands to flame I don't burn, but the frost accumulating at my fingertips drips into the flame, sometimes silencing it.
There's a knock on my door. I know it's Anna from the rhythm. The knock-knock-kn'knock-knock pattern she always uses. I debate whether or not to open the door. I've been told specifically not to, many times, from almost every adult I know.
But today is Anna's birthday, exceptions should be made. I place my gloved hand to the door knob, focusing hard on keeping my fingers warm. You can do this for Anna's birthday, I allow the door knob to turn with my fingers, revealing Anna's overjoyed face.
"Elsa!" She exclaims excitedly, clasping her hands together. "Is there anything you wanted to tell me?" She hints, grinning wildly, her pale green dress bouncing up and down with the rest of her body.
I maintain my cool, my lips up turning into a hesitant smile. "Happy birthday Anna," I tell her, all too aware of the fact that I could ruin this at any moment.. I feel the floor beneath freeze up as my body begins to feel tense.
"Conceal don't feel, Conceal don't feel," I whisper to myself without thinking. I've become so accustomed to being alone.
"What?" Anna asks, confused. I shake my head.
"Nothing… Ummm… What brings you to my door? Don't you have fun birthday activities to go enjoy?" I ask. It's not that I don't love my sister, but being around her is nerve wracking, and the streak of white adorning her crimson colored hair serves as a constant reminder that I can never really be trusted around anyone.
"Actually," Anna says, her grin hardly faltering despite my dismissive tone, "I came here to invite you to my birthday banquet! And to inform you that there will indeed be chocolate cake!"
I honestly can't help my face from breaking out into a huge smile, my eyes included. My heart warms at the unfamiliar feeling. When you rarely see anyone relatively close to your own age, you almost never get to feel what I'm feeling right now. True, honest to God friendship. It's been six years and Anna still remembers how much I love chocolate.
"I love chocolate cake," I reply warmly, and Anna nods in agreement.
"I know! And so do I! We probably have a lot of other things in common too!" She hints. "So you'll be there?" She asks.
"I'll have to check my schedule," I joke, looking down to an imaginary scheduling book. "What time does it start?"
"6:00 PM in the dining hall! Presents are not required, only greatly encouraged!" Anna winks.
I look up and into her piercing blue eyes with as much appreciation as I can manage. I try to tell her with my eyes and thoughts why I'm going to shut the door in only a few seconds. My toes are beginning to feel the frost accumulating underneath them. It's not often I have a chance to at all show Anna how much I care about her.
"Of course I'll be there Anna! I wouldn't miss my little sister's tenth birthday!"
"Yay! I'm going to go tell the kitchen staff to make the cake extra chocolatey for you!" She tells me happily, bouncing down the hallway. She turns her head for just a moment, catching my glance one more time before I shut my room door.
What follows the click of the door shutting is the strangest mixture of relief, love, nostalgia, and sadness. It's an odd feeling, one I don't get too often, and definitely better than the loneliness I usually feel, and the great wave of fear that comes at me when I realize what I just signed up for.
Dinner, dessert, and present giving should take at least an hour. Have I ever been able to go an hour without freezing something? Can I? Stress clouds my vision, my entire body aching with frigid ice from head to toe. I try to flush the feelings out of my system, my resistance only making it worse.
I can hear my heartbeat pounding in my ears, my frustration causing me to knock a few books down from my bookshelf. How can I be this terrified about going to my sisters birthday party? Why am I so messed up!?
My whole body is shaking, which could be mistaken as shivering since my room has broken into a snow storm. I breath heavily, attempting to replace my fear, anger, and overall sadness with cold numbness.
The blizzard surrounding me increases. I've lost control of it. I hear another knock on the door, and sound increases the nauseous feeling in my stomach.
"Elsa?"
It's Anna again What does she want!? Isn't a birthday party enough to ask of me?I can barely have a minute long conversation with her without nearly panicking.
"Elsa I just wanted to tell you that the cake might have to have vanilla frosting on one half because mom said-"
"Anna go away! I can't talk right now!" My voice is coated with utter frustration and fear. It's cold enough to drive anyone away.
"Sorry Elsa… I didn't mean to upset you, I just thought we were… Being friends again."
Anyone except her.
My body is still trembling, my torso feels as if it's freezing off and I'm having trouble focusing on any one thing, due to dizziness and snowflakes obscuring my vision. But Anna's words melt me, stopping me in my tracks.
"I'll see you tonight Anna," I tell her, trying to sound as polite as I can with my short breaths and shaking lips.
Lunch feels like hours ago… I finished almost a whole book since then... Dinner can't be too far off. I need some way to calm down.
You just need to defrost yourself, I think, finding my way to a lit candle, radiating heat, slowing my heartbeat.
My breathing begins to regulate as I remove my gloves, focusing on holding my hands still in the flame. My skin doesn't burn because something is completely wrong with me. I can hold my hand to fire and the worst that happens is water drips from my fingers.
"Conceal don't feel," I repeat to myself allowing the flame to defrost other parts of my arm, wishing it would burn me so I wouldn't have to feel so completely alien.
I've changed into much fancier attire, dressed in white tights, silver shoes, and a sparkling silver and blue party dress. The only castle stylist picked it out for me. Her name is Maren. She and my tutor are two of the very few people in the world that really treat me like normal human beings.
The door feels light as I push it open with the thicker white gloves Maren gave me. I feel confident. I'm going to show up at Anna's birthday dinner and be the best big sister Arendelle has ever seen.
I even made her a present. I've kept myself very busy the hours leading up to her party by knitting a long green scarf for Anna to wear. I also embellished it a bit with my magic to make it appear as if it is sparkling, although once it's out of my snowstorm for a room, that will probably melt away fairly fast, but it looks beautiful for now.
I emerge in the dining hall to see Anna already counting her received presents, which line one of the tables. She grins upon my entrance.
"Elsa!" She exclaims in absolute awe. "You came!" She bounces over to me, slipping on the dining hall floor. A loud clunk sounds as she becomes a pile of various limbs on the ground.
I smirk, slightly amused, offering her a gloved hand to help her to her feet. She takes my hand gratefully, standing unphased. It seems her clumsiness is still intact.
"I brought you this," I say, holding out the gift bag containing the scarf.
She looks so happy. Just for a moment the six years melt away and we're the two castle troublemakers again, with our greatest worries being that mom and dad would catch us sneaking around the castle in the middle of the night.
Her white hair streak is what brings me back to reality.
Anna leads me to the table, scarcely occupied compared to what it looked like all those years ago, when mom and dad would have delegates from all over the world come and discuss trade.
I'm letting her clutch my hand as she leads me over, and I'm surprised at how easy all of this is. The warmth of her hand in mine is calming beyond belief, much more so than candlelight. It's moments like this that make me wonder if Anna knowing the truth about me would help me control my powers more, but I know it would be much too dangerous for her.
Anna wants to sit across from me, right next to mom and dad. Our tutors, along with a few other castle staff members join us.
The first course is some soup with a complicated name that Anna likes. It has potatoes, which the chiefs tends to undercook, but it seems like they worked extra hard for Anna's birthday.
"So what is your favorite memory from being nine?" My mother asks Anna. Anna shuts her eyes tightly, deep in thought.
I wonder what she's going to say. I'm in my room almost all the time… I honestly don't know what Anna does for most of the day.
"I really liked today," She says happily. "I talked with Elsa and had fun making my birthday cake!"
"But you're ten today silly!" My dad reminds her playfully. He never talks to me like that. "What's your favorite nine year old memory!?"
"Ummm… Well… There was this one time a few months ago, Elsa was reading in the library when I walked in and sat on that big violet arm chair. And she didn't see me at first and she started reading out loud… But then she stopped. So I asked her to please keep going because it was an interesting story! So she did! And she read to me until I got really really tired and woke up in my bed!" Anna tells the story with utmost enthusiasm. Sometimes I forget that just because Anna has more space she can be lonely in, she isn't necessarily any less lonely.
I blush slightly when the gaze of everyone at the table falls to me. I can almost hear my parents disapproving thoughts. You should have left the library Elsa! Did you carry her to bed?! You could have frozen her by accident, what were you thinking!? My spoon starts to feel heavy as frost tickles my fingertips. The warmth from Anna's earlier grasp has been replaced by bitter cold.
Conceal don't feel… Conceal don't feel… Don't let it show…
My lips curve into a fake smile. "That's a nice memory Anna, I liked that too."
The soup in my mouth is starting to freeze before it even reaches my throat.
Do I even need to eat? My body doesn't seem to abide by the rules everyone else is adhered to. When my skin is cut, my blood is sometimes frozen until I hold it over flame.
I stare at the light bouncing off Anna's eyes. The second course, fish, arrives at the table. It's covered in various spices and smells absolutely delicious.
"What about you Elsa!? What's your favorite memory from the past year!?" Anna asks curiously.
"Ummm… I guess the library one too… That was nice," I flash Anna a smile.
"We should do more things like that Elsa! You could start reading me one book a week?' She offers hopefully, her tone rising like a question.
My fork grows colder, the metal freezing and melting, water seeping through the gloves. I feel the frowning eyes of every single adult, along with the pleading eyes of my sister.
"Yeah… Maybe…" I trail off, my mother's glares silence me.
"Anna what has Ms. Karen been teaching you lately?" My mother asks, changing the subject.
"We just learned about algebra! Isn't that right Anna?" Says Anna's tutor.
Anna sticks her tongue out. "Yeah, and I'd like to decree that letters and numbers will never ever mix again in the great kingdom of Arendelle!"
"You'll figure it out soon enough, you're very smart Anna," Her tutor says sweetly, patting her head. "What have you been learning Elsa?"
"I've been doing a lot of reading lately," I say vaguely. "I love reading."
The blander my answers are, the less questions I'll be asked.
Desert arrives on a large platter. I grin as I'm served a huge, delectable slice of chocolate cake. The server smiles at me.
"You wouldn't want to eat with those gorgeous white gloves would you? The chocolate will stain them! Here, I'll take them off your hands for you!" She laughs heartily at her pun, holding her palm face up expectantly.
My entire face feels numb as it drains of color. The floor beneath my feet turns to ice.
"She can eat with them if she wants," my dad saves, giving the server a dismissive glare. I can't help but sympathize with her. "She has another pair."
The server shrugs, exiting the scene quickly.
"Chocolate!" Anna exclaims, breaking the tension as she digs into her cake.
The voices around me commence fading. I can't even eat dinner without being constricted to wearing gloves… Gloves that are barely doing their job. They can only conceal ice for a little while before it becomes completely visible.
"Elsa I drew a picture of us the other day!" Anna announces. "It's of us building a snowman!" She says, like that's breaking news. I relish in her friendship now, as everyone else at the table looks at me as if I'm sort of animal about to attack at any given moment.
I try to hold my focus on Anna, the only person looking at me like a human being.
It's hard to truly believe you're human when nearly everyone you know looks at you as if you're different.
"Would you like me to get the picture Elsa?" She offers excitedly. I nod. I do want to see it, I really do. I just don't want her to leave me alone here.
Anna gets up, skipping away. I know she'll only be gone a moment, but it feels like forever. The waiting while tolerating staring feels like someone is grabbing at my throat, constricting my only airway. My heart beats double in speed.
"Elsa," My father says. His tone is gentle, yet apprehensive. "Is this too much for you?"
"No dad I'm fine… I just…" I trail off, blinking my eyes for a moment- picturing the light of a candle flickering in my mind.
"Elsa this has been a lot for one night…" My tutor says, putting her hand upon my shoulder for a moment. She removes it almost instantly after feeling how frigid I've become.
"I knew this was a bad idea," My mom says, as if I've done something seriously disappointing.
Tears threaten my vision before solidifying on my face. I've been trying so hard all evening and this is how they thank me!? By criticizing me!? All I wanted to do was impress them tonight… Get them to believe that maybe Anna and I could eat together more often.
Rage coupled with shame flood my stomach, bubbling up inside me. My vision is out of focus but I still see everyone nodding in agreement with my mother.
"Will you guys stop!?" I yell without thinking. I drop my fork to my plate to prevent the inevitable frost from covering it's smooth surface. I raise my arms defensively. "I've been trying so hard!"
"We know Elsa… But you just aren't ready for this… And what was that stunt you pulled in the library that Anna was talking about?! Did you carry your sister!? Do you not grasp how dangerous you are to her Elsa!? Look at you!" Anna's tutor shouts, raising her voice only slightly, but her words cut into me with the sharpness of a knife.
"I'm not some sort of dangerous animal you can just lock up in a cage!"
"Do you ever think of anyone but yourself Elsa?" Anna's tutor's voice is much louder now, filled this patronizing irritance and rage.
"Stop!" I shriek, pain and ferocity prominent in my scream. By the time I notice the ice flying off my fingertips, it's too late. I can't stop it. My jaw drops as I realize what I've done. My chest tightens. I can't breath. I honestly can't breath. Snowflakes begin to swirl around me as I struggle to hold on to air. The voices around me sound like incoherent buzzing.
A large icicle lines the table, sticking up and nearly hitting Anna's tutor's jaw.
"Elsa, it might be best if you went back to your room," My mother suggests calmly. Her voice is sympathetic.
An air of shame surrounds me as I stand from the table, beginning the lonely walk to my room. Anna will get back to the table soon, with a beautifully illustrated picture. She'll wonder why her sister had to go back and lock herself in her room for another year.
Breathing doesn't get any easier as I close the door to my room, and my tears refuse to stop falling and freezing halfway down my face.
I can't even cry right. I failed my younger sister on my birthday, and I can't even cry right.
I stay like that for a long time, perched on the edge of my bed barely able to hold myself together.
I hear a knock on the door.
I turn my head to look towards the knocking. Coming underneath the door is a large piece of paper. I walk over curiously, picking it up.
It's the picture Anna drew. It's done in vibrant colored pencils and contains the two of us holding hands in front of a snow,am. We're our current ages in the drawing, but I know exactly what tainted memory Anna based this off of.
"It's beautiful,"I whisper, loud enough so she hears.
"So is the scarf," She replies from the other side of the door. I smile faintly, wiping a frozen tear from my cheek.
How is she still here? After I left her birthday in the middle of it? The one she was so excited for...
I stick a sharp icicle through the top of her drawing, pinning it to my wall. I think for a moment, grabbing the first book I see off my bookshelf. I prop my back up against my door, opening my mouth to read.
I hear Anna sit against the door as I read, and I see her fingers peeking out from underneath the door. They don't pull away at the cold.
I feel warmer now. Warm enough to place my hand on top of hers, as I read my book. She squeezes my hand with excitement.
I read until I hear her snoring and know for sure she has fallen asleep.
"Happy birthday Anna," I whisper, retreating my hand, pushing hers underneath the door crack so she doesn't get frostbite.
I blow out the light of my candle. Tonight, I don't need it.
A/N: Reviews are welcome! Thanks for reading!