"Come now, darling. We both know that I do not possess the power to hurt you."
Leonard's eyes were twinkling at me and I swore I saw tears in them. One fell silently as I slowly stopped struggling. The inside of Leonard's right foot was touching my left. It was so chilly, but his grip was not as cold where it held my arms somewhat firmly. I stared into his eyes a moment. Leonard sighed and looked down.
"…Who the hell are you, then?" I asked, not expecting to sound as venomous as I did when I spoke. I slipped around Leonard and backed up until the desk stopped me. I grabbed it unexpectedly with both hands, gasping a moment.
"You've been lying to me," I said more quietly. The man whose name was not Leonard Larsson turned to face me slowly, taking a few steps.
"Stay right where you are," I demanded. He stopped, frowning and sighing when he saw the way that I was looking at him, like he was a total stranger.
"I just told you who I am, Jas," he said sweetly. My heart sped up. I closed my eyes for a moment.
"You're right, I haven't exactly been entirely honest with you," he started to explain. It then occurred to me that in all the months I knew him, we never really talked much about him. It had always been about me. Leon—Loki made it that way. He never really gave me a chance to ask him about himself. He'd been clever that way, I started to think, keeping our every interaction and conversation centered on me or our shared interests. It kept me from thinking to inquire about him. I knew that I loved him, and that was enough to keep me standing there still. I took a deep breath, still trying to process what was happening.
"I didn't mean to scare you," he said. When I looked at Loki, his hands were up a ways, as if he were surrendering. My guard wasn't really up, I just wanted him to think that it was.
"So, what I just saw…what you turned into," I said, afraid to ask. Loki stood to his full height. He had a perfect posture, and had his expression not been very sad, I would have thought him rather haughty.
"Yes, Jasmine," he said speaking slowly, "I am…a frost giant, if you can believe that," he explained. I would have laughed at him if I didn't know that it was the truth, "Now, my flower, I believe you know exactly why I refrained from telling you something like that," he said, taking another step. His hands were often very cool on me, and it all really started to make a lot of sense, "I didn't want to scare you," he said, his voice wavering slightly, "I don't always look like that, Jasmine. It's harder to control when I'm sleeping." Loki's brows were clenched together, and the despair on his face was all too legible.
"I didn't want you to fear me. But you're a smart young woman, Jasmine. I knew you were picking up on something—the way you wouldn't stop looking at that," he said, gesturing with his head towards the spear which rested on the floor. I glanced at it.
"I only hoped you would stop prying…but you have seen me now. If you want to leave," he said, standing aside and looking towards the door, "I won't stop you." Loki's eyes fixed on the floor and he waited for me to walk away. After a long silence, I figured out what to say.
"I'm not afraid of you, Leonard," I said. He looked to me slowly, "I mean, Loki…do you want me to call you that instead?" I asked, my cheeks flaring when I remembered the bath. Loki turned to face me entirely, smiling slightly.
"You can call me whatever you like," he said, "I don't really know who Loki is anymore, to be honest. I'm not who I used to be."
Without him saying anything, I knew there was a further story involved that I was too tired to hear.
"Are you angry with me?" he asked.
I sighed, "I'm just…I don't know…I just want to go back to sleep," I said, starting past Loki. I felt his hand travel down my back and rest in the middle of it, but not for long, as I walked quickly back to his room. I started to pull the top blanket off the bed. When I turned around to carry it out of the room, Loki was standing in the doorway. I paused.
"I'm going to sleep on the couch, okay?" I said, still not entirely sure I wanted him that close to me. Honestly, what I'd seen scared me more than I cared to admit.
"Nonsense. I won't have you sleeping uncomfortably," he said, seeming to understand my uncertainty about him. Loki came towards me and I stepped back until I felt the mattress under my butt. I still gasped when he took the blanket from me.
"I'll sleep on the couch. You have my bed," he said, not meeting my gaze. The expression on his face was disappointed. A piece of me was slowly withering inside to see him hurt like that. But he had to understand that I'd only just discovered a lot about him, and it was going to take some time to swallow it.
"Goodnight," Loki said, walking out of the room. I felt a slight cold breeze as he left, closing the door behind himself. I laid back on the bed, and after a moment was met with something cold at the back of my head. I sat up and turned over to find icy sheets on Loki's side of the bed.
I smelled pancakes when I woke up. As I sat up slowly and turned to look at my side, Leonard was not there. I mean Loki. I was going to have to get used to calling him that. Slowly, I got out of bed. I walked as silently as possible to the kitchen. When I got there, I didn't find my boyfriend. He wasn't playing the piano in the other room, in the loft reading, or in the bathroom showering. I went back into the kitchen where I found a plate of blueberry pancakes and a note in Loki's handwriting. I picked it up. He said he'd gone to my school for a staff meeting, and that he was going to pick up more wine and groceries at the store to make us lunch. The last thing written on the post-it note were the words I'm sorry I lied to you. I sighed, accepting that last night had been no dream. I wondered whether Loki was really at a staff meeting; it was a Sunday morning. I thought about it a second and started to wonder if he'd merely meant to give me space. I took two pancakes off the plate and put them on a separate one, drenching them in maple syrup. I grabbed a glass of water and walked into the main room, where the blanket Loki had taken from his bed was neatly folded on one of the cushions. I sat there and ate alone.
I wasn't so angry anymore that he'd lied to me about who he really was. How was I supposed to have reacted to finding out that my boyfriend was a Jotunn, the shunned prince of Asgard? I knew that we had a lot to talk about. I started thinking through what I wanted to say to Leo—Loki! I just hoped he'd tell me everything. Without him saying so, I knew that he was afraid I'd leave him. I finished eating and took my plate to the kitchen, where I washed and dried the plate and fork before stowing them away in the cabinet and drawer. I found Saran wrap in a drawer, and I wrapped up the rest of the pancakes and put them in the refrigerator before washing the plate and spatula that had been sitting beside them. I cleaned up what little there was to clean up; Loki kept his home spotless, another quality I admired about him. I then went into the bathroom and ran the bath. I didn't feel like taking a shower, I wanted to submerge myself. It was something I came to realize I tended to do when I was stressed. When I slipped into the water, I started to shiver, despite the warm temperature. All I could think about was the last time I'd been sitting there. I was with Leon...Loki. It felt so good. His hands had touched me in all the right places…I slowly shaved my legs which were getting prickly. After washing and rinsing the night away, I stood up out of the tub and felt like I could start life all over again. I stepped out of the bathroom and walked into Leonard's room. I found something to wear and got dressed. I started to make the bed, something Loki often did. I even fluffed the pillows, just like he normally did. I loved his apartment. A painting hung peacefully on the wall over the headboard. I kept meaning to ask Leonard about it, but I often forgot to. Every time I'd lie down to him at night, he was the only thing I could focus on. I grabbed my iPod and earphones and walked into the main room where I sat on the couch. Last night the sky was grayer than the grave. Clouds so gloomy they put a fear in me… I pulled my knees to my chest and closed my eyes, getting lost in the music playing on my iPod. I felt a presence and opened my eyes. I didn't flinch when I saw Loki standing there. He had an interesting look on his face, like he was sad and surprised at the same time. I took the earplugs out of my ears and turned off the device.
"You're still here," he said, his voice gentle in a relieved way I had never heard before.
A sharp pang hit my heart, "You thought I wouldn't be?" Loki opened his mouth briefly to speak, but paused.
"Leonard, I was scared, but it doesn't mean I don't…" I trailed off. He was looking at me so intensely, "Loki? You're going to have to tell me what you prefer me to call you. I can't keep going back and forth," I said. He smiled slowly.
"I told you that you could call me whatever you like," he said, that conniving voice returning. I couldn't ignore the flirtatiousness in it. I sighed.
"I brought some more wine. I thought I would make us something nice," Loki said, gesturing to the bags in his long arms. I looked him once over completely, his pale bare feet on the glossy, dark hardwood standing out conspicuously. I nodded, but stayed sitting where I was. Loki didn't come any closer, and I knew he was convinced that I was still afraid of him.
"Well, I'll get started. We can talk over lunch. You just relax," he said. I nodded and he turned to go to the kitchen. I put my iPod on the coffee table and laid back on the couch. I was too distracted to listen to any music. I was still trying to decide what I wanted to say…I always found you very tall. It's only fitting that you're a frost giant. Do you get cold in the winter? My mind ran wild with words, and I started to smell something fragrant from the kitchen. I laid there for another twenty minutes and then I heard someone coming. I sat up to find Loki where he'd last stood.
"Are you hungry? Do you want to talk first? Whatever you want, we can do," he said, his hands behind his back. There was a hopeful look on his face. I stared at him a few seconds. The white button down shirt he wore was tucked into a pair of black jeans. He had rolled up the sleeves past his elbows, and the shirt was almost dark in comparison to his pale skin. I patted the spot beside me. The best way to describe the grace with which Loki always moved is like a breeze; he breezed over past the coffee table and sat a professional distance away from me. I pulled my feet to my chest again and rested my chin on my knees. He turned to me, pulling one leg up on the couch, tucking the foot under his knee. He rested his elbow on the couch with a sigh, propping his head up in his palm. Loki gazed at me with those green eyes I could never have denied. They looked me over somewhat possessively, and I knew he longed to touch me, but refrained. I inhaled deeply.
"Smells good. What are you cooking?" I asked him casually. Loki smiled.
" Parmigiana and Portabella mushrooms," he grinned. The man could cook. Before Leonard, I had been convinced that most men couldn't cook, but this one constantly surprised me with his skills in the kitchen. I tilted my head to the side, infatuated with him all over again. His pale hand reached towards my face and I watched it tuck behind my ear the hair that had fallen in my face. The way Loki was looking at me let me know that he was just as in love as I was.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," he said, his voice taking on a grave tone. His eyes had closed. I reached for his hand. His eyes opened and were filled with some surprise when he saw me do this.
"No, I understand. It just scared me last night, is all."
Loki frowned, "I'm sorry," he said. I shook my head.
"You shouldn't…apologize for who you are."
"That's just it," he said, sitting up so that he was no longer propping up his head, his voice taking on a dark tone, "It's not who I am." He seemed angry. I let go of his hand and wrapped my arm back around my shins. Loki's eyes frowned and the angry expression on his face dissipated.
"Do you know the story, of Odin and his sons?" Loki asked me, his eyes not leaving my hand which had only seconds ago been holding his. I shook my head slowly, and he started to tell me a little bit about his past. During the course of this story, I felt my eyes water multiple times. All Loki had ever wanted was acceptance. He had always felt like less than Thor, that his adoptive father wasn't proud of him. When Loki told me of his betrayals to Asgard, his eyes kept watering, but the tears never actually fell. His emotions went up and down depending on the mood of each memory. He told me about New York.
"Well, then how are you here now?" I asked.
Loki sighed. He was about to say something else when the timer for the oven started beeping. He sat up very straight and stared me down with wide eyes for a handful of seconds before he excused himself and got up to check our lunch. I reached for the tissue box on the coffee table and wiped my eyes.
"Jasmine," Loki called from the kitchen. I stood and went there slowly. I found Loki standing in the kitchen by the table, two plates and two glasses full of food and wine waiting for us. Loki smiled and gestured towards the table. I took my seat and he sat down after me. Loki took a long sip of wine, and closed his eyes. I was almost sure he was about to finish his whole glass as I watched in silence. When he looked at me across the table, he grinned, his pale lips stained red from the drink. The scent wafting up into my nose from the plate became overpowering. Loki was waiting for me to try it first. I did and wasn't at all disappointed. He could certainly cook.
"Loki, this is amazing," I said. He wasn't surprised. He laughed lightly and we just ate in silence for a bit. I had a strange feeling that Loki didn't feel like talking anymore about his past, so I figured I would just leave that conversation where we'd left it. When we were both finished, Loki stood up and went to the counter for the wine. He was about to pour me some more when I put my hand over the glass to close it.
"No," I said. I didn't want to get all sleepy the way I often did after more than one glass of wine. Loki poured himself half a glass more, and I just watched him drink it. Loki's expression had gone somber again. I couldn't sit there and watch him look like that for very long.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Hmm?" He seemed to have momentarily spaced out.
"Nothing…I'm just glad you're still here."
"You thought I would leave you?" I asked, that painful pang in my chest again.
"I didn't know what to think, Jasmine. The fear in your eyes when you saw my Jotunn form…" he blinked and tore his gaze away from me for a moment.
"You are the most important thing that has happened to me in a very long time. I need you, darling," he said, placing his chilly hand atop mine where it rested on the table. I wanted to cry, but out of happiness. No one had treated me this well in ages. I smiled and moved my hand to lace the fingers in Loki's.
"I promise, you don't ever have to fear me," he said.
That night I was getting dressed after my shower when I realized that Loki was still in the loft with his books. He seemed to be doing research sometimes. I wasn't sure. I never bothered him. It had become difficult for me to fall asleep without him reading to me first. I needed to hear his crystal clear voice. It was almost hypnotic at times. I laid in his bed for a while before giving up. I turned the lamp on and got out of bed. I walked out into the apartment and started up the stairs to the loft. Loki was already looking over in my direction when I made it to the top of the stairs.
"What are you doing up, lovely?" he asked me. I sighed.
"It's late. Are you coming to bed?" Loki glanced down at his books and started to tuck some papers away. His hair had curled again, due to the sudden heat wave we were having. It wasn't summer just yet, but some days were ridiculous. All the windows were open in Loki's apartment because the complex's AC was broken and we would have to wait a few days for a repair man to come check it out. Loki stood up.
"Just give me a moment. I need to put some things away, shower," he said, sighing. Loki wasn't complaining about the heat, but I knew that it bothered him, too. I started back down the stairs and went to Loki's room. I sat in bed, watching him pass by the door momentarily on his way to the bathroom. I sighed and turned the light off again, but I couldn't get to sleep. I had taken the covers off the bed and put them on the dresser. It was too hot for comfort, yet I wanted Loki beside me so I could at the very least feel secure. About fifteen minutes passed before I heard him coming. He paused in the doorway a moment before entering the room and quietly moving through the drawer. I sat up to let him know that I was still awake.
"Loki?"
"I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to wake you."
"…You didn't. It's too hot to sleep," I said. Loki disappeared from the room and I knew he was going to the closet in the hallway. I could see the outline of a fan when he made his way back. He flicked the light on to plug it in, directing it at me where I sat on his bed. He was in a pair of white boxers and his hair was still wet from the shower. He reminded me of snow, and I thought that if I touched him, I might feel relief from the heat. Loki turned the fan on. The air hit me.
"Is that better?" he asked, sauntering back to the light switch, his hand resting on it. I fell back with exasperation.
"Not really," I admitted. Loki turned off the light and I thought I heard him giggle. I felt the bed shift when he sat there. Loki laid down next to me, and I could see him perfectly in the dark, as the shade was open to allow the moonlight to pass through. His eyes weren't closed; he was looking at me. Loki smiled.
"Jasmine, go to sleep," he said, "you won't notice the heat in your dreams."
An idea popped into my head. I slowly reached for Loki's arm. He watched me take it and place his hand on my hip. I was naked except for a tank top and a pair of underwear, so I could feel his skin against my heated thigh. Loki gasped slightly.
"You're burning up," he said, suddenly pressing his cool fingers against my skin more firmly. I sighed with relief and Loki started to sit up. He could make himself colder, and I knew this. He finally understood what I needed. Loki inched closer to me and pulled both his hands down my legs. They were cool and calming and I turned so that I was on my back, my eyes closed. I felt Loki moving backwards on the bed, so that he was at my feet. I waited and he pressed his cold lips to my shin. I gasped, but relaxed, enjoying the feeling.
"Is that alright?" Loki asked me before continuing. I opened my eyes and lifted my head to look down at him. He was looking up at me. I nodded.
"Please, cool me down," I said. I felt Loki's hands run up the length of my legs. He made them colder and then I felt him peel back my tank top and rest his chin on my stomach. I looked down at Loki to find his shoulders leaning forward in a feline-esque manner, as if he were a big cat waiting to pounce. His green eyes absolutely glowed in the darkness, turning red, and when he blew a cold wind up my body, my mouth hung open and I gasped. There were literally snowflakes hitting me gently in the face. I reached down and gripped Loki's shoulders, massaging the lean muscles there. After a few seconds of this same angle, he turned his head and started to blow up my right arm, followed by the left. I wasn't hot anymore; in fact, I began to shiver. Loki stopped and pushed his hands under my back. They were still cold and I arched my back and gasped.
"I'm sorry," he said desperately, believing he'd done something wrong.
"Are you okay, Jasmine?"
I laughed and shivered, causing Loki to relax. I sat up so that I was facing him. His eyes glowed in the dark still, and slowly stopped. He didn't have to turn completely to his Jotunn form to do what he'd just done. I stroked his pale face in the darkness, and then my hands travelled down his chest. Loki closed his eyes and I soon found his lips on my forehead. I wrapped my arms around him, finding myself in his lap. He just held me and repeatedly ran his fingers down my back. That is how I fell asleep.