Disclaimer: 'Zero Escape: 9 Hours, 9 Persons, 9 Doors' belongs to Chunsoft, Aksys Games, and Nintendo. Also references from other series that belong to the original owners. Please understand, and support the official release. This fandom needs more love.
P.S. I don't own the cover picture.
P.S.S. I also owe credits for my brother's idea.
GONG!
The gong was beaten once. Two lads stood up, much boss-like. Both were ready to take on their battlefield. As if it was a sign to begin World War III.
The first lad clenched his fist. His slightly messy half-inch-from-neckline-length brown hair was blown by the breeze of summer. He was wearing thick clothes, not the best mix for summer. His red plaid shirt had long sleeves, folded until elbow-length, covered by a gray sleeveless hoodie and blue parachute vest that contradicted the inner. He also wore knee-length jeans. His shoes were the recently-bought Nike that cost eight hundred forty nine US dollars and ninety nine cents. He had to sell plenty of his treasures and save his daily lunch money for savings for those shoes.
"The soul of Mighty Hydreigon," Junpei—the name of the young man—praised. "Dragon of the Darkness, bless me with your strength! My body is ready!"
The other lad gritted his jaws. His hair was silver-white, porcupine-ish cut, with a black bandana. He was wearing a white tank top that justified his hair, comfy and easy to wear. A long, thin, kinda strap-like black scarf casually circled his neck. The outfit also featured black cargo pants and black, army-like boots that he got from a garage sale held by his middle age neighbor.
"The heart of Blazing Pangoro," Santa—his codename, it's not like you care about his real name—orated. "Fist of the Darkness, I choose you! I'm bearing your powers on me!"
"OBJECTION! Your argument is invalid!" Junpei objected. "Only dragons deserve to be destructive and ferocious! Pandas are supposed to be cute and fluffy!"
"HOLD IT!" Santa denied. "Pandas also have right to slay and devastate! Dragons should just go f**k themselves instead!"
"SHADOW DRAGOOOOON!"
"RADIANT DAAAAAWN!"
Both Junpei and Santa were about to land their fists to each other. The aura of the stage kept getting more, more, and more intense. Junpei vs Santa, who would win?
Buuuut, suddenly there was an interruption.
"STOP IT BOTH OF YOOOOUUU!"
It was Akane—also known as June because her birthday is June 22nd, debut of summer. Oh, it's today. Happy birthday, Akane!
Her dress was violet, 2 inches above her knees. She also wore kinda-too-long navy arm warmer with yellow and violet stripes that covered her palms. Her brunette shoulder-length hair was just kept how it was, except with a small white flower thing on the left side. Her wide scarf actually wrapped her shoulder. Her boots were brown, velvet, knee-length, and bought at a Year End Sale in a Department Store.
Junpei and Santa ignored her. When they realized, both of their fists had landed on their faces each. Because of the same level of their fist powers, both of them were flown away a single yard from their previous position.
But neither of them had given up yet. They were still about to land more fists, or kicks, or whatever to knock each other out.
"I COMMAND YOU BOTH TO STOP FIGHTING!" said Akane while pushing away both Junpei and Santa from each other. Like a Dazzling Gleam from the mind of Graceful Gardevoir, Exalt of the Feelings, she knocked them out quite easily.
"Hey," Lotus interrupted. "Aren't you supposed to perform a manzai? Why are you fighting instead?"
Lotus looked like a dancer. Her outfit was anything except comfy and easy to wear. She was wearing bunch of golden jewelries, green top that revealed quite of her stuffs, long black trousers, and red cloth around her waist. Her hair was long, black with green hair accessories that mingled with her outfit, also neither comfy nor easy to wear. Her sandals also featured golden ornaments.
"Yeah, Lotus's right!" Clover agreed. "I can't wait to see Santa kicking Junpei's butt because of the horrible puns he makes!"
Clover was the teenage girl with all pink. There were three acnes under her right eye. Her hair was pink, bushy and voluminous. She was wearing her high school uniform under her black oversized jacket with pink sailor-like collar and fur balls hanging from its neck. Her boots were black leather with white furs, pink fur balls hanging on them each, and 8 cm heels. They were made on her very own demand. The price was possibly more expensive than Junpei's Nike.
"But didn't Santa already kick Junpei's butt?" Seven, the big guy, asked. "I mean, technically they just kicked each other's butts."
Seven looked almost like a mountain, or gorilla. He was wearing an orange overall with dark long sleeve polo shirt underneath. A blue beanie was on his big head. His shoes were just black leather shoes, typical for fellas around his age. Except the size though, IT'S OVER 9000! No, not really, it was 45 in European size. He wasn't wearing any socks so… make sure your nose is safe.
"That's not butt-kicking," Clover protested. "That's punching!"
"Whoa, you meant it literally?" Ace responded Clover.
Ace was the middle-age man that has quite fatherly aura. His hairr was quite like a lion, with gray shades. He was wearing gray coat and black long sleeve turtle neck beneath it. He looked like some sort of European lord. He was wearing black leather boots, much boss-like. His hair cut seemed like some sort of elderly lion.
"I suppose them fighting against each other is a part of their scenario," Snake justified. "It's their performance, after all."
Snake was Clover's elder brother, although he didn't look like one (I know, right?!). His hair was light gray, half-neck-length. He was wearing white shirt and burgundy tie, covered by blue jacket with golden linings on it. His gray trousers were made of finest imported cashmere. His shoes were black leather, polished, and shiny. His socks were as white as snow and scented like the earth after raining. His eyes were closed because opening it would be pointless—all he could see is darkness. No seriously, he's blind.
"But how about June's interruption?" Clover objected her brother. "Is it also their scenario? I thought manzai only involves 2 people instead of 3. Also what's so funny about fighting like that?"
"Maybe it is. This is not a competitive manzai, so it is up to them," Snake answered. "Apparently, it is June's birthday, not yours. So, today's VIP is her instead of you."
"But I just wanna see them joking! Hmph!" Clover puffed her cheeks. She looked kinda cute, actually. Despite of Snake couldn't see anything, he could still imagine Clover looked like a fluffy blowfish.
Oh yeah, so here's the situation again.
They are currently gathering at Akane's backyard. Today's her birthday, as I've told you. Junpei and Santa are performing manzai for her. The audiences beside Akane herself are Ace, Clover, Snake, Seven, and Lotus. Oh, anyway, it was Seven who beat the gong.
"Just start the real manzai already!" Clover yelled in her high-pitched voice, and then puffed her cheeks again.
Three.
Two.
One.
"If you ask us 'just start the real manzai already'," Junpei started the sentence.
"Our answer is compassion for the world!" Santa continued.
"To protect the world from devastation!"
"To protect peace of the world!"
"To carry out the humors of truth and love!"
"The lovely, charmy comedians!"
"Junpei!"
"Santa!"
"Team Funyarinpa 101 flies across the galaxy!"
"A white hole, white tomorrow awaits!"
"Yaaaaay!" Akane clapped her hands happily like a 9 year-old boy watching movie of giant robots vs. giant monsters. Lotus in the other hand wasn't really satisfied. Her face was like '…wut?'
"So, this is like, your actual manzai performance?" Clover asked confusedly.
"Eh? What's a manzai?" Junpei asked Clover back instead of answering her. He was playing idiot. No wait, he's actually an idiot. "You mean our on-stage comedy performance?"
"Yeah," Santa answered, instead of Clover.
"Oh yeah, Santa. Thanks for the information anyway," Junpei said to Santa. "So, manzai, isn't it? How do we do it again?"
"Well, I bring up a topic, you make a s**tty pun about it, and I kick your ass. It's simple."
"…Wut?"
"No, seriously, Junpei. That's just how it works."
"*sob* But… *sob**sob* why…?" Junpei's eyes were already wet. He put a really, really, really cute sad baby face.
"Because you're better at making s**tty puns and I'm better at ass-kicking."
"Are you *sob* saying that *sob* I'm *sob**sob* an idiot?"
"Yeah. I mean, come on, we all know that you're an idiot. You have to face reality, Junpei. You're already 22. That counts as adult. So act like your real age, not the digital root of it." Santa held Junpei on the shoulder.
Junpei then looked at Akane, still with the really, really, really cute sad baby face.
Of course Akane couldn't resist those poor puppy eyes. Idiot or not, it's her Jumpy they're talking about. She couldn't stand seeing him crying after being bullied like that.
Or maybe it's just her heart that's softer than Clover's fur balls (?).
"Aww, Jumpy," Akane felt sorry for that guy. "Santa's really bad on you, isn't he?"
Junpei nodded cutely and vulnerably. He asked, "Can I get your hug, please?"
"…Eh?" Akane was confused.
"Pretty pleeeaaase….?"
"Um…"
"With cherry on top, maybe?"
"I, uh…"
"Cut it out, you lovebirds -_- ," Santa said. "It's supposed to be a comedy show, not some f**king soap opera."
"*yaaaawn* he's right," Lotus justified Santa.
"Just start the real manzai already!" Clover yelled in her high-pitched voice, and then puffed her cheeks again.
Junpei stopped sobbing, inhaled deeply, and exhaled three times. Then he sighed.
"Anyway, now back to the show," Junpei said.
"Here we are, team Funyarinpa 101," Santa continued. "As we introduced ourselves previously."
"As lovely, charmy comedians, we put fun in Funyarinpa. Or should I say Fun-nyarinpa!" Junpei grinned like an idiot. Well, he is an idiot.
Without any talking, Santa just kicked his butt.
Like, literally. He actually landed his foot to Junpei's… uh… bottom.
"UAGH!" Junpei was surprised. "What the heck was that for?!"
"I kick your ass, remember?" Santa responded casually, looking down at his victim. "I bring up a topic, you make a s**tty pun about it, and I kick your ass. I've told you, that's just how it works."
"Like literally?!"
"Like literally."
"*sigh* that's just how it works, you said."
"Well, yeah. Anyway, can we continue?"
"Sure."
"Alright, Junpei. I just wanna ask you something."
"About what?"
"About the team name."
"You mean Funyarinpa 101? What's wrong with it?"
"It's just, what the f**k is a funyarinpa anyway? No, seriously."
"WHAT?!" Junpei was like he got buzzed with a stun gun. "What do you mean 'it's just what the f**k is a funyarinpa anyway no seriously'?! You mean, you don't know?!"
"How the f**k do you know in the first place?"
"'How the f**k do I know in the first place' you say? How the f**k could you not know?! It's just… you're just… ugh! You're beyond blasphemous! Say sorry! Apologize to funyarinpa! Gosh, you're such a rude guy!" Junpei showed a painting and rubbed it to Santa's face. Like, literally.
That painting was on a square-shaped canvas. It was just black and white abstract to general people. Although to some people, it does resemble a peculiar object. Akane for example, she thinks it looks like a demon with elephant-like nose that's sucking human brain.
To Junpei, that painting is a funyarinpa. Not more, not less.
"As if I would!" Santa rejected. "It's just a f**king painting, for f**k's sake!"
"You're wrong! It's not just a f**king painting!" Junpei denied. "It's a perfectly carved handicraft of beauty! Miracle of nature! Symbol of true vanity of Mother Earth!"
"It's a f**king painting! PAINTING!"
"Shut up!"
"Don't you dare to—"
"No seriously, shut up!"
Both of them shut up.
"What the—" Clover couldn't manage to finish her question because Junpei shushed louder.
All of them became quiet.
After 3 seconds...
"You hear that?" Junpei whispered.
"Hear what?" Clover asked, also whispering.
"It's a sound of cracking," Junpei answered her, still whispering. "The Funyarinpa's heart is breaking apart into pieces. This is all Santa's fault. He's such a jerk. He hurt the Funyarinpa's feelings, and now it's so sad."
"Hoi hoi, what the f**k did I do wrong, exactly?!" Santa asked, half-shouting. "Just because I don't know what the f**k is a funyarinpa?!"
"Besides, it is just a painting, like Santa said," Snake justified. "A painting does not have a heart."
"He's right," Clover concluded shortly.
"But I can hear it too," Akane protested the others.
"You don't say…?" Lotus was dumbfounded by what Akane said.
"I do say," Akane replied. "I can actually hear the sound of heart breaking. I can even feel the Funyarinpa's sadness, just like Jumpy said."
"I think both of you have a problem -_- ," Seven said. "What are you two smoking, anyway?"
"Never mind," Ace responded as he checked Junpei's forehead.
"Eh? What's wrong?" Junpei cluelessly asked Ace.
"Not really hot," Ace said about Junpei's forehead.
"I guess you're not a regular idiot," Santa spoke. "You're such a mentally f**ked up idiot, that you can't be cured anymore. Not just that, you're also contagious to June somehow. I'm so mad at you that I don't even feel like kicking your ass anymore."
"Santa, you're so cruel!" Akane said to him. "Even if Jumpy's actually an idiot, you shouldn't talk about him like that! You're making him sad!"
"Don't you realize, June?!" Santa scolded. "You're starting to turn into like him! He's a bad influence for you!"
"B, but—"
"Uh, is this still a manzai or what?" Clover was getting more confused.
"Well, that's a good question!" Santa answered her sarcastically. "Because I don't know either what the f**k are we doing right now! Ask that to Junpei!"
"But this seems kind of too serious," Akane talked to Santa. "I mean, after Ace checked his forehead and then you scolded him, Jumpy hasn't done anything yet. He's just sitting on the floor, his head is down… Maybe you're too much on him."
"Meh, he deserves it."
"No, he doesn't!"
"Yes, he does!"
"*sigh*"
Akane bent down. She looked at Junpei, who was still sitting on the floor. He was hugging the painting—or the Funyarinpa, he would say.
"Uh, Jumpy…?" Akane called him.
"Poor Funyarinpa," Junpei started talking without staring her back. "He's been through too much. How could they do such cruel things to him?"
"'HE'?!" both Seven and Lotus were shocked.
"You don't say!" Ace was surprised as well.
"It's alright, Jumpy," Akane stared at his eyes. "You don't have to be sad like that. If you're sad, the Funyarinpa will also be sad."
Junpei looked at her back. He put his hand on Akane's cheek, as if he would kiss her.
"Thanks, Kanny," Junpei said to her while smiling. "Thank you very much."
"E, eh?" Akane was still nervous.
"Thanks to you, I already realize my reasons to be here."
"…Reasons?"
"Yes. My reasons are Funyarinpa… and you."
"A, are you really…?"
"Just marry me already!"
"W, what?! But why?"
"Isn't that obvious?! You're the only one who understands me and Funyarinpa, better than anyone else around here."
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah! Marry me, Kanny! And then we can live happily ever after, wherever you want! It's just you, me, and Funyarinpa. We're also gonna have babies!"
"…W, wh, wha—?"
Junpei put his hand on Akane's shoulder. "It's alright, Kanny. If you're not ready now, I'm fine. You can just tell me whenever you are."
"Uh…"
"GET A ROOM, YOU TWO!" Santa scolded them.
Oh yeah. They were so lovey dovey until they forgot that the others were just staring at them all the time.
"Well, okay?"
Akane sighed. The she looked at Junpei again.
He's still sitting on the floor, hugging the Funyarinpa. But this time he's smiling. A cute, dashing, happy smile, Akane would say.
"You're welcome, Jumpy." :)
"Ah…young people," Ace muttered to himself. "Love of youth is always so sweet."
"No, it's actually disgusting," Santa objected. "Especially when you're doing it on public."
"Anyway Ace," Seven talked to Ace. "Did you have any sort of girlfriend back in your times of youth?"
"Well, I had three," Ace answered honestly. "First was my first crush back in middle school, the second was a junior in high school, and the third was in the college."
"Wow, that's quite something," Seven replied. "How old are you again?"
"40."
"Do you have a wife? Or did you?"
"The answers for both are no. I've been single since I graduated."
"Well then, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA me too, pal." Seven lowered his head.
Ace only smiled at that fellow middle age man. Santa and Snake—the younger ones of the bunch—didn't really understood what the elderly people were talking about.
"Wait, is that the point of all this?" Snake asked confusedly.
"F**k it, I'm outta here," Santa said.
"No seriously, is this still a manzai or what?" Clover was getting even more confused.
"*sigh* I don't mind them," Lotus lazily responded her.
Hi there! Thanks for reading. Sorry if it's kinda too long.
Well, I meant it only to be a one-shot, but I guess I'm gonna need a second chapter. I'll give more portions for the others. Also I'll make Santa less violent, because I actually kinda feel bad for Junpei. I guess Akane's right, I'm too much on him.
P.S. feel free to review^^