My regular readers will have noticed that I haven't updated lately. I'm sorry about that and I promise to get back to it soon. My Aunt Ovella died last weekend. She was the matriarch of our very close family and lived to be 100 years, 6 months and 12 days old. She was an amazing lady and as I sat in her chair last night reading her Bible (Revelation) this popped into my head.

Some may find it strange that Castiel has brought me closer to God in the real world, but he has…so my usual sarcastic, humorous tone is gone for this story. It just helped me deal with my loss. I hope you don't mind my indulging myself.

This is a look at Castiel's descent into hedonism as we saw him in "The End". Castiel is human and this happens sometime before that episode. Also could be a little Castiel POV tangent for my current story "Drop Kicked by God" I suppose although it assumes that they didn't stop the Apocalypse.

Angst, angst and more angst!

I know I'm being difficult for Dean. I am a difficult patient, but what Dean doesn't realize is that when you used to be an Angel having a broken anything is rather humiliating. When it's your leg and you can't even walk…well that's just horribly undignified for a former Angel of the Lord. I let him think it's the leg that bothers me, but I don't want him to know the real reason for my malaise.

He keeps saying It's just a broken leg…you'll be up and around in no time! Usually after he says that he smiles at me really brightly like that will help. I can see in his eyes that the smile is just for me…he knows it's a pain in the ass. I don't smile back and I know I should. He also knows that this is probably where it all starts…the things he saw when Zachariah sent him to the future. He's right…in a way. What he doesn't know is that it would have happened anyway.

It's not the pain…or the cast…or the crutches…or feeling like a burden on Dean. It's the silence…and something else no human language can describe…because they don't know they need to have those words.

Before the accident I was constantly in motion. Hunting things…researching…learning from Dean how to fix cars…learning on my own how to garden. Anything to help me forget that I was for all intents and purposes…deaf and blind. Not in the human way…I still have better hearing and sight than most humans…it's the things humans can't hear and see that I miss…and lying here in this bed day after day staring at my leg propped up on a bunch of pillows just gives me more time to notice the silence and the lack of...color in this human world. That word color doesn't begin to describe what my Angelic eyes could see…but it is the only human word that comes close.

Sam gave me an iPod filled with his and Dean's favorite songs. Dean even went out and bought a new television for my room…one better than even he had ever owned. They were hoping those things would keep me entertained. I was hoping they would drown out the silence with noise. They don't.

When I was an Angel the earth sang. The voices of the Heavenly Host spoke to me constantly. The trees talked to each other…the flowers sang little songs of joy when it rained…the animals spoke to each other across miles…their thoughts clearer than any human voice could ever be. Even the humans said much with their thoughts that I could hear back then. I wish now I had known that I would one day be unable to tap into that. I could have learned so much I needed to know now. I just never thought I'd need to know how to interact as a human.

The world is filled with colors humans can't see. Those singing flowers reflect so many more colors than any human mind can conceive. I suppose it's rather ironic that humans think they are the most advanced beings on the planet, but yet the lowly honeybee can see those colors…the ones I can only remember in my dreams. Even humans glow with a radiance they would most commonly attribute to…well Angels or maybe spirits...it's the manifestation of their soul. Dean has a particularly interesting old soul…sparkling with an ultraviolet hue that I sadly can no longer see. I miss that.

So now I am here…less helpless than I am acting…and generally being a pain in the ass for Dean. He suffers it amiably and tries to make sure I don't get too many pain killers. It doesn't matter how hard he tries to keep them from me…I've already discovered them. Found that they produce a noise in my being that replaces the sounds I miss. The right ones even prod my brain to imagine the colors I can no longer see. The really good ones evoke colors I never saw even as an Angel. It is frustrating for me now because he is counting them and will know if I sneak out of my bed to take more than the prescribed dosage, but when this leg has healed I will find them on my own…again. Yes, I was experimenting even before Dean was aware.

In the future when we are dust and the Winchester Gospel is studied many will theorize that the reason for my descent into hedonism was the deterioration of my relationship with Dean. For some reason they will want to point to that…to blame him. They shouldn't.

Our relationship will change as the prophets foretold, but I will be the one to cause it. He will see me fall into the abyss and struggle to save me…but I will not want to be saved. This is why he will turn away from me…and I from him. The sight of his righteous savior reduced to nothing more than a shell of a human being will be his undoing. I know this and yet I can't stop myself…I'm not strong enough. I will not even be strong enough to leave him physically when the emotional attachment is gone.

He is my tether to this world…without him I would be unable to go on. So we will be together…but apart…until that day that I willingly march to my death for him.

Some might say that he should be strong enough to stop me. He should know more about being human and overcoming human frailties than I do. He does, but not enough to help an undone Angel. It is fate…and no matter what he does or does not do this is my path. There is a way out for me…at the very end I will see it. It will be too late though, because I will find that clarity at the hands of a Croat…the Croat that Dean will send me to face...knowing I will die.

So you see don't you? Dean didn't force me down this road...I went willingly…and he saved me in the end. It's just that there will be no happily ever after for either of us here on Earth. Zachariah twisted the story to suit his endgame…but most of what Dean saw will happen…only the most important part…The End…was altered. He will kill Lucifer…and Sam.

Dean will save the world even though he will die…and I will die to help him. Dean, Sam, Bobby, Ash, Ellen, Jo, Rufus, and a litany of other hunters will die along with me to save the world. We will all find our reward in Heaven.

So it is written. Amen.