Dear Diary,
How could I have been so blind? Mr. Wickham's countenance was so amiable to my eyes and yet the recollections of Mr. Darcy tell of a significantly different scrutiny. How am I to judge one man's word against another's? Judge a seemingly admirable gentleman against the word of a rude and proud gentleman. I cannot pretend to not know of my own error, I can no longer think of either gentleman without feeling blind, partial, prejudiced or absurd. I have been the fool to fall for such girlish wanton and a gentleman's guise.
Mr. Wickham seemed to be without fault however, I find through this new outlook I find myself forming an entirely different opinion of him. His deceit is clearly one of practice and he is well-learned in this subtle art that I can't help but feel sincere anger towards the insufferable man. And to myself, I am a woman of great folly to fall for such a trick. Upon my word I hope to never see that dreadful man again lest he be inclined to ensnare me again I will certainly give him a few choice words and that is hardly the way a lady should behave, thus I hope not to encounter him and let him waft away to barley a memory.
I truly despair for the pain of Miss Darcy; though her brother I find is disagreeable I cannot help but feel for his sister having experienced the awfulness of Mr. Wickham. I do not doubt the honesty of Mr. Darcy's confession of his sisters past as I now see the evidence of Mr. Wickham's character in his association with Mary king and perhaps countless others. How will it be when he marries? Surely his wife would grieve of her attachment to him once his character is realized. She would only wish his days should become numbered soon so she should be rid of him.
Oh why? Mr. Darcy is so disagreeable. From the moment I met him he has, to me, been most ungracious and uncivil. Fool! I am surely to have judged him most harshly and find my opinion to be most outlandish and wrong. How can this be? I, who have prided myself on my discernment, I, who have such abilities that are most valued, have been most incorrect.
Jane had known not to judge freely, oh why could I have not listened to my dear sister? Dear patient ever trusting Jane. I have oft judged her gullibility and ever present sense of trust but now I find myself to be ridiculous and Jane sweet trusting Jane to be right, her trust had been placed in the right hands and her cautiousness to judge had been her most admirable quality for now she is the greater discerner than I. Of all our family she is to be the most reliable.
That Jane's heartbreak came at the hand of Mr. Darcy increased my displeasure of the gentleman but now that seems to be an invalid placement of blame. My foolish family, here in Mr. Darcy's letter stated, could well be the cause of Jane's distress. I have always known them to be heedless and have become accustomed to ignoring such behaviors', but what reasons would Mr. Darcy have to ignore it? None. I see now that perhaps he has been right to judge my family as he did. He had looked upon their actions and saw impropriety and admonish-able behaviors', why then would he not wish to protect Mr. Bingley from what he assumed was a disagreeable union? Oh how I ridiculed him, how I misjudged his character. I have misinterpreted it all, and it is due to my own folly. I acted despicably and now much live with this churning regret in my being. If I had but adopted Jane's trust and Mr. Bingleys high opinion of Mr. Darcy I could have avoided such humiliation.
How humiliating is this discovery! I could not have been blinder had love been my motive. Yet in love I was not. Vanity, not love, has been my folly. Pleased with the preference of one and offended by the neglect of another I courted prepossession and ignorance where either was concerned. Till this moment I never knew myself. I had no comprehension of such mistakes and folly's in my own character. I pride myself on discerning the characters of others but could not discern that of my own.
In regard to Mr. Darcy I know my opinion has been misplaced. He may indeed be a different man then I supposed him to be. Though his faults may seem in high magnitude, I daresay they are enough to match my own. How am I to remedy such a misjudgment on my part? I no longer have faith in my own judgment and must endeavor to make amends. I must carry on with the guilt of my poor judgment and survive with my choices and their consequences I freely accept. I know now Mr. Wickham is not who he was seem to be and is never to be trusted again. Mr. Darcy however, is clearly difference to whom I expected and I find myself curious of his true character. Perhaps I am in fault on my own feelings towards the gentleman as well. Perhaps being the mistress of Pemberly would not have been so terrible. Though it is not to be thought of as I know it to be an impossibility because of the great pain I accosted to him. I only wish now I had been given a better understanding before he proposed. I shall live with this regret and endeavor to make amends to him but shall not allow myself to fall into such fanciful delusions.
Elizabeth.