Warning: this story is graded T for Troll and rated U for Utterly Ridiculous.

There was a flash of colour, a sharp whirling of strange objects bent out of shape – an upside-down forest, a bicycle bent like melted rubber and the feeling of suffocating – and then Draco Malfoy landed in a dark little alley, the back of his shirt pulled roughly by his father Lucius Malfoy, who looked tight-lipped and hostile.

The stars were bright and scattered the sky, a thin crescent moon as tight-lipped and disapproving as Malfoy's father. They walked to join the other Death Eaters, standing with their backs like walls to the outside world and muttering quietly. As Malfoy tried to look as inconspicuous as possible, a shadowy hunk of a man spoke: "We've been waiting here for an hour," Fenir Greyback growled.

"Well, my impatient companion, the Dark Lord will keep us waiting for as long as he sees fit," a disproportionately high voice spoke, managing to be both harsh and grating on the ear and somehow musical at the same time.

"And as it happens, the most loyal of us have already done their waiting. Years of it. In Azkaban," Bellatrix Lestrange gloated. Draco hated her. She ranged from sweet to downright frightening in an instant. "Waiting an hour is hardly a sacrifice for one so great."

"And then there's waiting two minutes," Greyback said loudly to Lucius. Bellatrix cackled.

"Where is the Dark Lord currently?" Lucius asked, gravely calm.

"Somewhere near the target's house… at the front. We're near the back. We may speak to him using the sonorous charm," Nott said.

"We may not SPEAK to the Dark Lord! We must AWAIT HIS ORDERS like he told us! CRU"-

"Calm down, Bella. Since when were you good at grammar?" Lucius pointed out. Before Bellatrix could finish him off for once and for all (which would have saved us a great deal of trouble throughout the next two books) Lucius exclaimed, "Here he is now!"

"I see a DRASTIC failure in the plan!" Bellatrix hissed, stepping up to Lucius's face. "The sonorous charm allows everybody for miles around to hear your voice!"

"Exactly, Bella," Nott pointed out. "We'll be able to hear Voldemort from here!"

"Do you realize what that means!? Every muggle, Hogwartian and Death Eater"-

"Shut up, Bella! He'll hear us!" Bellatrix sighed.

Idiots! thought Draco. "Excuse me! I agree with Bellatrix! If everyone can hear, then" –

"Did we ask for your opinion, boy?" Fenrir growled. Draco shivered at his razor sharp teeth.

"Yes!" Malfoy tried to say, but because he was talking to Fenrir Greyback he actually said "Mimimner…" (because Draco is a spineless idjit, although admittedly one with a lot on his mind).

"Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3…" Came Voldemort's voice, painfully loudly through the night air.

Bellatrix, flourishing her own wand, squealed, "My Lord, is that you!" just as loudly.

"Of course it's me! Now listen, my Death Eaters, to my Secret Plan!"

"Well, it won't be very secret, because"-

"Shut up, Bella! I have powers that can extend beyond my hiding place at 129 Karkaroff's Street…"

Draco silently facepalmed.

"Then the Dark Lord must have incredible power!" Bellatrix said admiringly, twirling a strand of her wayward black hair that looked like a portion of the night sky had been tortured and plonked on her head. Everyone else gave her weird looks.

"Yes, I do! A power you would have to endure if I hear one more stupid word!" Voldemort's voice boomed out.

There was finally a blissful, sensible, piece of silence.

"Good. My accordion playing would explode your heads as soon as it came into contact with your ears…" Yep, it's gone again.

"Are you sure that's working alright?" Draco whispered to Bellatrix. She just glared at him.

"Still, Dark Lord, there is a terrible problem with our plan!" Bellatrix wailed.

"Nonsense!" Voldemort exclaimed. "Now listen. The plan is that: we must attack Karkaroff's shack from the back, put him in a sack and conceal our tracks.

Draco, I know you are there. Repeat the plan."

"Ok, um… We attack a rat with a bat, then use Karkaroff's doormat to find our way back," Draco said, so shaken up by having Voldemort speak to him he couldn't actually say the problem with the plan or what he was even supposed to be saying.

"May you permit me to offer my services? I know where you can get twenty doormats, in the Room of Requirement… I could sell them to you for a really cheap price, you know, no GST…but wait, we have to use Karakaroff's…" I should make a black market business with stuff I've found in the Room of Requirement, Draco thought. Can't believe nobody's thought of that before…

"ARGHHHH!" Voldemort screamed, nearly deafening them. "I SAID we ATTACK Karakaroff's SHACK from the BACK, PUT HIM IN A SACK AND CONCEAL OUR TRACKS!"

"My Lord, I see A TERRIBLE mistake!" Bellatrix wailed.

"Me too!" Voldemort said. "Karkaroff's heard us and run off!"

"THAT'S what I've been trying to tell you!" Bellatrix exclaimed, shaking her head.

There was a very pregnant pause.

"Well, at least Voldemort can't kill us from over there," Draco said brightly.

Then the most awful sound Draco had ever heard screeched through the night air… accordion playing. Draco fell on the ground with his hands over his head while the others staggered around with their fingers in their ears.

"Alright! I take it back!"